Birds In Your Garden - Chap. 7

Message Board Posts for Chapter 7 (fictional)

Jana sat near the open window, placing a cigarette in her mouth and flicked the lighter, holding the phone between her shoulder and cheek. "All right, you're smoking…what happened?" Leslie asked.

Jana exhaled a long stream. "Nothing."

"You're smoking," Leslie sing-songed. "What happened?"

"You should have seen me when I couldn't get a hold of you," Jana told her, inhaling another puff.

"Well, you have and you're smoking now. What already?"

Jana sighed and made a groaning sound in her throat. "I'm an idiot, that's all."

"Why?" she prodded.

"This whole thing… I'm such an idiot, Les!" she complained. "What am I doing? Really? I'm taking him away from his wife. I'm getting in between him and his family. We have to constantly sneak around in case someone figures something out. I'm being gossiped about left and right. And this morning we got into a fight because I got all huffy about his wife talking to his family. I'm just an idiot! I don't know if any of this is worth it!"

"Bullshit!" Leslie answered quickly. "It is so worth it! You know it is, or you wouldn't even be involved with him! I've seen you turn guys away with rings on before. You're so in love with him I'm jealous. Why are you freaking out like this?"

"Because he is married, Leslie! And maybe things would be fine if I'd never shown up. Maybe he's just bored and when this tour is over, he's going to fuck off like he did the last time?"

"There you go!" Leslie interrupted. "That's it."

"What's it?" she sighed, drawing another long intake of smoke.

"You're scared he's going to leave you again," she said simply.

"Well, yeah! Wouldn't you be?"

"Baby…how many years ago did he leave? I mean really? You were so young, neither one of you had a brain between you! I'd hope by now you've both grown up enough to know what you're doing. I know you do. You're not this stupid."

"You don't know me with Kevin, Les," she said with a sigh. "I'm positively an idiot when it comes to him. And I don't know why or how! I mean, it's like…I see him and suddenly I'm that silly girl standing at my locker watching him walk down the hall. I totally goon! It's like I lose all rationality when I'm around him. He could get me to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge if he whispered it in my ear nice enough. I don't like this feeling! I hate feeling so powerless over my emotions."

"Honestly, Jan? I think it's good for you. I've been saying this to you for how long? You have this great knack for picking the guys that are so dull and stable and safe that they're boring and predictable. And I think half the time you pick them so you can have control over the relationship and not let yourself get hurt. I think you have to get hurt once or twice to make it worthwhile. And honestly? Think about it…how many times have I liked the guys you've dated?" Jana didn't answer. She merely took another drag of her cigarette. "Exactly. Not once, and even knowing this guy's married and it's some sort of taboo…I love him. He's got a personality. He's got passion in his eyes, and he's not sitting around watching the world go round. He's got a life and I think you need that, even if it scares the piss out of you."

"You like him because he's eye candy," Jana teased.

Leslie chuckled. "It doesn't hurt, no…but even still. I've talked to him. He's got a sense of humor. He interacts with people. He's polite. He's charming. He's interesting. He's caring. And from what I've seen, he adores you. Even if you weren't sneaking around, people would probably be talking about you two just because of the way he looks at you. And you know I'm right!"

"But, Les…my family is going to have a herd of cattle! So is his!"

"Is your family dating him? Having sex with him? Talking to him? No. Neither is his with you. When it comes right down to it, baby, it's between you and if it matters enough to the both of you, to hell with what anyone else thinks! Let Kristin talk. Let them all gossip. If it's right between the two of you, it really isn't going to matter what anyone else says or thinks."

"If the media finds out, it's going create pure havoc and has the potential of really hurting their careers," Jana said. "That is worth worrying about. It's what he lives for, and I can't be the one to take that away from him."

"Again, that's bullshit," Leslie said easily. "You know as well as I do that it would be in the papers for a few days, maybe a week and then Jennifer Lopez will wear some revealing outfit, or Brittany Spears will hiccup and everyone would forget all about it."

"And the damage would have been done," Jana finished. "There are little girls that look up to them like they're Gods…"

"So? They accepted AJ was human. Why can't they learn that Kevin is too?"

"AJ was completely different," Jana argued. "There's rehab for his sort of problem. It's a lifestyle…not a life. There's no treatment for adultery. It's just wrong, however you want to look at it. And if he doesn't tell the whole story? It's just going to look like I'm some kind of slut. And if he does, it's just going to look like he's making up excuses to excuse what we're doing."

"Would you just stop?" Leslie argued. "It isn't up to you or him to maintain some little girl's fantasy!"

"It is when their fantasy is his paycheck!"

"Please! Kevin could get a case of permanent laryngitis and never sing another note and comfortably live off his royalties for the rest of his life."

"That's not what he wants to do."

"He could also release an album next year and it could flop, regardless of who he's having sex with," Leslie pointed out. "It's the business he's in. Stop making yourself so damn important as an excuse to stay safe. Go back up there, fight with him, fight with your family, fight with his family, fight with the media, fight with his band, the dancers, the fans and the cat in the alleyway…but just, please, Jana, don't screw this up because you're scared."

"It probably won't matter anyway," Jana said, choking as she tried to hold back her tears. "I'm getting carried away. Nothing's been said about anything. He says he's getting a divorce, but that doesn't mean he's going to stay with me. And I don't want to ask because it's all so fucked up right now. I don't know what we're doing outside of having dinner, flirting and fucking."

"What do other couples do, then?" Leslie teased. "If they're not eating, flirting or fucking? Watching TV and going grocery shopping…yeah, I can see how you'd think you might be missing out." She could hear the lighter flick again and sighed. "Jana…what's gotten into you?" Jana couldn't even reply. She could feel herself coming apart and knew if she said anything, she'd break into tears. "Honey…what's happened? This can't just be over a silly fight. Tell me."

"It's all so pointless, Les," she said, breaking down into tears. "None of this makes any sense, but I'm just scared! He told me," she paused and looked to the door, lowering her voice slightly, "he told me last night that if he hadn't have gotten in a fight with his father twelve years ago, he probably would have stuck around in Kentucky and married me." She felt her chest tighten and her stomach heave with more tears. "And all I'm thinking is… 'you bastard, you couldn't have told me that?' And when he does come back into my life, he's married and I'm the one that has to sneak around and feel ashamed of loving him? I'm so angry I could scream! It's so damn unfair, Leslie!" She cried harder, biting her lips to keep from making too much noise. "None of this could be timed more wrong if I tried! And I don't know if he's really serious, or if he really means this, or if he's going to change his mind again, or if he gets into another argument that he's going to leave again… None of this is right except for when we're in the same room and have nothing else to think about but each other!"

"It's got to suck," Leslie said gently. "I'm sure of that, but I've seen you with him and even if he's married, Jana, he's right for you. If it doesn't last, don't spend your time together now lamenting that. Let it be whatever it's going to be. Trust me, after everything I've seen these past few days, life is just too short to worry about what might happen down the road. You may never make it down the road. You have what you have today. Take it and be happy, baby."

Jana packed her things up and stuck them on her bus, but instead of getting on, she told Shannon she needed to talk to Kevin and headed up to his suite. She started packing up the remaining things he hadn't packed yet just to keep herself busy while she waited for him. Not much later, he came in wearing white pants and his blue tank top with a robe and a towel around his shoulders. He looked surprised, but he smiled and kissed her quickly. "Hi. I didn't expect to see you."

She put the tee shirt she was folding down on the bed and sat down as he went around the room, checking for something he might have missed. "I hope you don't mind?" she asked.

"Not at all, darlin'," he answered. "Thanks for packing up for me. You didn't need to do that."

"I wanted to keep busy," she admitted, clutching her fingers together nervously.

"I need to jump in the shower," he said, turning to her. "Can you stick around?"

"I'll have to ride with you," she said, her eyes widening slightly. "My bus is leaving soon."

He shrugged and kissed her again quickly. "So, ride with me." He picked up the tee shirt she folded and some other things, heading out of the room towards the shower.

She felt awkward but couldn't explain why. Outside of wanting to apologize, she wasn't sure what else she was feeling. Knowing now they'd be seen getting on the same bus? Seeing the rest of the boys? Did they know she and Kevin had a fight this morning? She rested her hands back on the mattress, remembering what Leslie had said. It was too true. 'You have what you have today. Take it and be happy.' Kevin did make her happy, in spite of everything else. This was what was made her happy.

He didn't take long and came out a few minutes later, dropping his toiletries in his bag. "You're talkative," he teased, poking her shoulder lightly.

"I want to say I'm sorry for this morning," she said looking up to him. "I was just…" She shook her head and lifted her shoulders. "I don't know what I was, other than wrong. I'm sorry."

"We all have our days, don't we?" he asked with a smile, kissing her. "Don't worry about it."

"I guess," she said, still not feeling much better. She watched him do one more run through of the rooms before he shouldered his bag and stretched his hand out for hers. She attempted to smile but stood up and let him lead her out into the hallway.

"Hey!" AJ said coming up behind them. "You're lost, baby!" She wanted to tease back, but she could barely smile in return. AJ could tell something wasn't right and just slipped his arm around her shoulder and squeezed her gently before moving past them.

She dropped her gaze to the carpet and Kevin squeezed her hand to make her look up and furrowed his eyebrows at her with a cock of his head. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she said as they got into the elevator.

They didn't speak until they were on the bus. She had pulled her hand from his once the elevator doors opened in the lobby and she stepped away from him, going ahead to the bus so that he could sign a few autographs. She sat in a far corner, curling her knees up and hugging them until he came in. Moments later, the door was closed and the bus moved forward. Kevin put his bag down and reached out his hand, leading her into the back of the bus for some privacy and sitting her down on the bed. "Okay, so what's really bothering you?"

"I don't know, Kev," she sighed, dropping her shoulders.

"I think you do," he said, sitting across from her, watching her intently.

"I feel like such a bitch for this morning," she told him.

"This morning?" he asked with a chuckle. "Well, outside of not having a clue why you got so pissed, that was nothing, Jana."

"There's enough going on without me nagging you about how you're handling this whole thing," she said, biting her bottom lip when she was finished. "It's just…I don't want this to get screwed up somehow or put more pressure on you than there already is."

"But you need some things out of this too," he added, leaning back, bending a knee and cupping it with his hands. "I can understand that. What do you need?"

"Courage?" she offered weakly.

"That's new," he replied, a bit taken aback. "Courage for what?"

"To trust you," she said softly, her eyes widening a bit in fear. "Because I am torn between loving you to death and hating you."

He blinked at her in surprise, letting his leg drop and sitting up. "Hating me?" he questioned.

She lifted her hand, smiling lightly. What was she saying? "I don't mean it the way it sounds," she tried, scrunching her face and shaking her head. "I'm trying to figure out what…all this means, I think. And if I could hate you, it'd all be easier and I'm being irrational by being jealous of her. Because I had you first." She looked at him, already wanting to take the words back. Biting her lips, she exhaled heavily, seeing his eyes widen, but a smile splintered into his eyes. "That came out all wrong. I'm sorry."

"I kinda like that you're direct," he commented, leaning forward and taking her hand. "Stick with it. I can figure that out better than pretty metaphors. You're jealous of her because why?"

"Because you married her," she said, looking to their hands. She could feel the outline of heat from his fingers wrapping around her hands, realizing she was cold. Almost as if he could read the thought, he took both his hands and encased hers between them. "And if there hadn't been some argument, none of this might be happening and I wouldn't have spent so much time trying to find someone like you." She glanced up to look at him. "Or been so scared that if I did meet someone, they were going to go to work one morning and just…not come back. And I'm pissed that you married her when you didn't want to, and you didn't marry me when you did. And I know all of this is happening so fast and there is no way on earth I should even be considering any of this…." She slumped her shoulders and looked up to him hesitantly. "Have I scared you to death yet?"

He shook his head slowly, keeping his eyes on her calmly. "Why would I be scared, Jana?"

"We've jumped into this so fast and I know my head is still spinning," she continued. "And I shouldn't even be thinking of where this is going…or what might happen…"

"What might happen is that we could spend the rest of our lives together the way it should have been," he interrupted with a deep, sincere voice. "And I will do what I can do to show you I'm gonna stick around this time." He tugged her gently, bringing her next to him, and wrapped his arms around her. "I don't know what's gonna happen, Jana. Right now, I know I'm gonna break free from my marriage and really try for a future with you." He squeezed her, feeling her nod against his chest. "It's not going to be as easy as I'd like just because…"

"I know," she said. "High profile and you've already had enough high profile for awhile."

"Yeah, we have," he agreed. "But I'm not hiding you because of who you are, all right? It's just got to be this way for awhile."

"I know," she admitted with a sigh. "I'm trying to be careful."

"We're not very careful," he said honestly. "We're really sloppy about it."

"So, we try harder," she said, pulling back. "I don't want to mess this up for you."

"Us," he corrected. "'Cause that's what it's all about." He ran his hand down her back gently. "I mean that. It's about us now, and we won't have to hide and sneak around forever. I'll talk to my family so they'll understand what's happening. I'll talk to Kristin and tell her how it is and we'll figure it all out. We'll figure it out, Jana. Be patient."

"I suck at patient." She pouted against his chest and curled up against him with a sigh. "But I suppose I'll try. You're going to be worth it."

"I'll try to be." He kissed the top of her head and settled back more comfortably. "And you've got to stop smoking."

She slapped his belly lightly. "Shut-up," she said lightly.

His cell phone rang and he sat up to answer it. "Hello?" Jana laid down and rolled over on her side, curling herself up. "Yeah, sounds good. See you there." He clicked the phone off and went up to the driver, telling him to stop off at the Waffle House a few exits up. He went back to the bed and climbed in beside Jana, wrapping his arm over her waist, kissing her neck gently. "We're gonna meet AJ and Sarah for some waffles," he whispered. "That okay?" She nodded and rested back against him, taking his hand and wrapping it further around her. "We're okay now?"

"Yeah, we're good," she said, turning to look at him. "I'd be better if you kissed me though."

"I can kiss you and make it better?" he chuckled, leaning over her and kissing her.

"Much better," she whispered, pulling him back down and wrapping a leg around his.

Message Board Posts for Chapter 7 (fictional)

Birds In Your Garden Disclaimer | Email Coriander

Read the companion story:
Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

c. 2001, 2002 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.

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