Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 9
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Kevin could feel himself already relaxing as he looked around the ranch grounds from the bedroom window. The horse paddock was a few yards away, and all around he could see mountaintops, open fields for grazing, all of which was surrounded by forest. He felt as if there was no one else around for miles, and suddenly felt a twinge of homesickness for Kentucky. He could hear the others moving around the large cabin, but Jana was still sleeping peacefully in the bed, hardly moving at all since she'd fallen asleep after making love a few hours before.

She'd caught him off guard a few times. Somehow when shed had her red hair she wasn't as obviously his Jana from high school, but now, with her hair blonde, he had to do a double take as memories flooded into his brain: the way she'd looked in the hallway outside of biology, the way she'd leaned in and giggled with the other cheerleaders at the games while keeping her eyes on him with the cutest little hint of a smile, the way she'd jumped when he first touched her at the Bend, and how nervous she had been once she let him. He had wanted to have sex with her so badly and tried so hard to be patient with her.

Just before he woke up from his nap, he dreamed of being in that cramped red Toyota with her, always hearing 'no'. Once he woke up and found her sleeping next to him, he'd had to make love with her. Even in his dreams she aroused him almost to the point of pain, but now, instead of a cold shower, all he had to do was kiss her, touch her, and she would respond.

He moved to her side of the bed and brushed his hands through her hair gently, leaning over to kiss her temple. "Darlin'?" he whispered, but she only sighed heavily and nuzzled into the pillow. "We're going out on the ATV's. Did you want to go?" She mumbled a sleepy 'no' without opening her eyes and took a slow, deep breath. "Okay. We'll be back later." He kissed her again and slid out of the room quietly.

~

"Is she still sleeping?" Howie asked, coming out onto the deck off the living area of the cabin. Kevin sat with a glass of wine, resting his feet up on the railing and just looking at the view stretched before him.

"Yeah," he said. "She's out to the world." He smiled at Howie as he sat in the chair next to him. "It's been a hectic few days with auditions these last few days. I guess it's catching up to her."

"Think she'll get anything?" Howie asked.

Kevin shrugged and sipped his wine. "Eventually," he answered. "She knows how to dance."

"Yeah, she does," Howie agreed. "Fatima knows her dancers."

"Too bad Fatima couldn't figure out a way to keep her on," Kevin said with a sigh. "I really liked having her with me every day."

"We noticed," Howie said with a smile. "It wasn't hard to figure out what was going on, Kev. All she had to do was walk in the room, and you, like, sat up straighter or something. I don't know. We just noticed. Kinda neat that she's back with you, huh? I don't think I'd want to see the girls I dated when I was in school."

Kevin shook his head and looked back over the balcony. "You weren't in the same situation, Howard. You were too young and just playing around. I would have married her if I'd stayed in Kentucky." He glanced over to him. "It was that serious."

"Why didn't any of us know about her, then?" Howie asked. "All we knew about was Kristin."

"Because I was with Kristin then," he answered plainly. "Figured whatever I had with Jana was pretty much over. Thought it was over until I saw her again really. I didn't expect this all to happen, but I like the idea of having another chance to get it right."

"Isn't it kinda…I don't know…strange to be with her after all those years?"

Kevin chuckled and shook his head, taking another sip of wine. "You'd think so, wouldn't you? But no, not at all. It all feels like…I guess it just feels like what it's supposed to feel like. I know I never had this with Kristin…whatever 'this' is. It's different, but it's not weird. It's pretty comfortable actually."

"She's cool," Howie told him, settling back in the chair and putting his feet up on the railing.

"Yeah, she is," Kevin agreed with a relaxed smile. "I like not having to explain everything I do to her. I like just being allowed to spend time with her with no…demands put on me. Not that Kristin is demanding," he considered out loud. "But there's no…expectations. She just lets it all happen, and that's pretty fucking cool."

"You seemed good with Kristin the other day. She okay with everything now?"

"Not really," he answered. "But I think she's coming around to the idea that I'm leaving after Christmas."

"Christmas?" Howie asked with surprise and looking at Kevin.

"Better timing," Kevin said quickly, not going into further detail and not looking back at Howie. Somehow he still needed to explain it to Jana. "Man, can you believe we were in a desert yesterday?"

"Why did you let me sleep so long?" Jana asked, coming out onto the deck and stiffening immediately against the cooler air.

"You were so dang cute, I didn't have the heart to wake you," Kevin said, opening his arm out for her. She went over and sat on his lap, and he wrapped both his arms around her warmly, kissing her shoulder. He loved the feel of her oversized sweater against his cheek as he rested his head against her arm. "Besides, you had some sleep to catch up on."

"Kevin said you had some auditions while you were in LA?" Howie asked.

She nodded and lifted a shoulder. "I don't think they went very well," she answered. "Boy bands may be allowed to get old, but dancers over twenty-five are apparently dinosaurs. We'll see," she answered lightly. "In the meantime, I'll go back to Long Island and teach a few classes, practice and get into better shape."

"Better shape?" Kevin asked, running a hand over her thigh.

"Yes, better shape," she said, leaning more comfortably against him and taking a sip of coffee. "You've spoiled me, Mr. Richardson and Mr. Dorough. Rich foods, cream in my coffee…"

"You haven't gained any weight," Kevin told her knowingly.

"Not much, but I've gained. Just a little discipline and it'll be fine," she answered. "But not today." She took another sip of her coffee. "And I'm going back inside because I'm freezing." She slipped off Kevin's lap and kissed him quickly before going inside.

"She's not gained any weight," Howie remarked.

"I know," Kevin said, noticing how good she looked in her faded jeans. "I think LA pays more attention to the tabloids. England still hasn't let up about it."

"Wow," Howie said with a smirk. "You are in love."

"What?"

"Tabs running stories in England and no talk of Em Evesham?" he asked playfully. "That is love, my man."

"I haven't talked to Em," Kevin admitted. "She's left a few messages, but I haven't called her back yet."

"Like I said, it must be love," Howie said with a wink. "You usually smile for days on a call from Em."

"I just haven't had time to call her back, that's all," he defended.

"You're such a heartbreaker, Kev," Howie teased. "A girl on every coast and one in England, man! You're a player, dawg!"

"Dildo," Kevin chuckled, playfully tossing a punch at Howie's arm.

~

"Remind you of home?" Kevin asked as he walked towards the horse paddock with Jana holding her hand.

"Somewhat," she answered easily, going over to the fence and attempting to call a horse over. "I didn't do a lot of ranch-y farm things growing up like you did," she said. "I think we went once with Girl Scouts or something."

"You don't know how to ride?" he asked in surprise.

"Not a horse, no," she answered, looking to him slyly. "Am I faulty now? Gonna return me for a new and improved model?"

"Nah," he chuckled, stepping behind her and putting his arms around her, "I think I'll keep you. I'm kinda getting used to you."

"Good to know," she giggled, resting her head back against him.

"I could take you out tomorrow if you want," he offered. "If we can find two nice, slow, gentle horses."

"Or just one and I can sit and hold on to you for a few hours," she said, turning to face him and rest her head against his chest as she wrapped her arms around his waist. "I don't want to leave here. I like having you to myself like this for a few days."

"There's a house full of people," he chuckled, smoothing a hand over her head.

"It's not the usual hectic pace, though," she said with a sigh, suddenly feeling like she wanted to cry.

"Yeah," he answered quietly. "It's not always going to be like this though. You'll get sick of having me around at some point and won't be able to wait for a tour to get me out of your hair."

"Probably," she said, forcing a chuckle. "But not right now…." she leaned against him a bit more and closed her eyes, feeling the cold breeze against her cheek. Kevin wrapped himself around her, leaning over her protectively.

"Jan, what happened in LA?" he asked quietly, smoothing her hair again gently.

"Nothing," she answered. "I guess everything's just catching up to me, that's all."

"Everything like what?" he asked, pulling back from her slightly and looking down to her curiously. Keeping an arm around her shoulder, he turned as she shrugged with a slight smile, and they headed toward the stables to get out of the wind. She walked in ahead of him, going over to a stall and started petting one of the horses gently, kissing its nose lightly. "What's catching up to you, Jan?" he asked, leaning on the gate next to her.

"What's not to catch up, Kevin?" she asked, scratching the horse's nose gently as she looked at him for a moment. "When you think about it, really? You're here. Isn't that odd enough? Someone I thought I'd never see again, and you're here with me again? And I was dancing. I was part of a real tour, and I was comfortable with everyone, and I liked everyone… I had fun watching the show with Rachel the other night and all, but it…" She paused and looked back to the horse briefly, "…it hurt not being on the stage, that's all. And going back home and just being another wanna-be dancer again sucks. Just being some regular person again, but instead my names in some tabloid, so I'm not some regular person anymore. And I'm back on the audition circuit which just sucks. My family is giving me a hard time about you. My father still won't speak to me. My mother won't talk about it, but she's sending me my mementos. My sister is telling me I'm going to hell and that I'm a home-wrecker. I've been all over the place and my body doesn't have a clue what time it is anymore, it's just tired and I don't want to close my eyes and waste a minute we have together. And I don't know when I'll see you again if I do get a job, and it's killing me because I feel like I'm sixteen all over again and just kind of waiting for you to disappear again but this time, I don't know if I'm going to handle it any better than I did back then. And I keep telling myself that I shouldn't be this involved because in reality we haven't known each other that long in spite of having dated in high school. But reality doesn't seem to be holding much water in the plan because I'm head over heels for you, and if I tell you that, you're going to go running off again. But every time I tell you I love you, I remind myself that you said it first, so I'm not wrong. And things would be so much easier if we didn't go on any further and I could just walk away and leave this mess behind, but when I think of that all I feel is panic…and this is all much too heavy to be talking about right now." She smiled and waved a hand at him, stepping over to another stall and looking in as he stayed and watched her curiously. "Not what you wanted to hear, was it?" she asked, trying to tease him as he slowly shook his head at her.

"Why don't you tell me these things sooner?" he asked, keeping his eyes on her. "I had an idea you were thinking about it all. We both have." The horse nuzzled against Kevin, and he petted it mindlessly, keeping his eyes on her. "You think I haven't thought about how much easier your life would be if I hadn't started all this? But I'm selfish, and I don't want to give you up. I want to make you happy, Jana, not scared."

"Well, I can scare you," she said, her eyes widening slightly with nervousness. "Because I have to explain something to you, and when I say what I have to say, you're going to freak out before I can finish."

"What?" he asked, nervously.

She stretched her hand out for his, and they headed over to the bales of hay stacked in the corner of the stable. "Before you panic, don't because there's nothing to be panicked about. And when I tell you what happened, don't panic about that either, because there's nothing to panic about. Everything is fine. Okay?" She sat next to him and draped her legs over his, trying to be close to him in reassurance. He just nodded, keeping his eyes on her. "Remember on tour when I said I couldn't get a hold of my doctor?" He nodded. "My birth control script ran out. Remember?" He nodded again. "And we were more than a little careless when everything exploded around us?"

"Jana," he said slowly, his eyes widening.

"I'm not," she assured him with a smile, putting her fingers over his lips and shaking her head. "But I thought I was for a few days because I was late. I went and had a test, and it was negative, and I got my period a few days later. It was just the stress and everything. But I thought I was, and I was petrified. I haven't been able to start a new month yet though. So we need to be extremely careful while I'm here. That's why I've been such a condom nazi, and that's what I've been trying to tell you for days now, but I was scared you might think I was trying to trap you or something, and I didn't want to panic you, or make you scared that I would even try to do that to you. That's why I'm mentioning it, because I don't want you to think that."

"What would you have done if you were?" He took her hands in his gently.

She lifted a shoulder and looked at him. "Tell you I was pregnant."

"Would you…"

"I'd want to keep it," she said decisively. "But I'd talk to you about it and see what you wanted to do."

"How did you feel about it? I mean, when you thought you were?"

"I'm not, Kev," she said with a shake of her head.

"But what did you think about it when you thought you were? Why didn't you say something sooner? Like when you thought you were?"

"I didn't want to panic you until I knew for sure," she answered. "And if I'm going to be completely honest about it, I cried when I got my period."

"You…" he stopped, blinking at her curiously. "You wouldn't mind having a baby? Your career? Because you're going to get snatched up soon, Jana. I'm sure of that."

"I'm pretty sure of that too," she admitted. "It's just a matter of focusing on some steps. But having a baby?" She looked down and smiled, seeing his hands enveloping hers warmly. His thumb ran over the back of her hand, and she knew he was watching her intently. She lifted her head, and tilted it to the side. "I want to have a baby. I thought about baby names and how our families would freak about it. I thought about what I wanted for a nursery theme. I thought about what kind of father you'd be and pictured you holding our baby, and it melted my heart." She bit her lips together and looked down again, feeling a blush on her cheeks. "I didn't even really think twice about what I'd give up. I figured I'd have the baby and just teach dance some place instead." She looked back up to him. "I don't care where I dance, as long as I can in some capacity."

"So, if we were less careful and you didn't go back on the pill…"

"I'd have a higher chance of getting pregnant," she answered him with a curious smile.

"And it wouldn't be the end of the world?" he asked.

"It'd be pretty wonderful if it was something you wanted," she answered. "And if you'd be able to handle the criticism we'd get from, oh, just about everyone we know."

"Would you criticize me?" he asked, moving closer to kiss her warmly.

"I'd encourage you," she answered lightly, feeling his hand run down her back softly, returning the kiss as he lowered her down into the hay, slipping his hand under her jacket and sweater, cupping her breast and running a finger along the edge of her bra. She unzipped his jacket and untucked his shirt to run her hand across his chest with a giggle. "How cliché."

"Doin' it in a stable?" he asked before kissing her jaw and neck, undoing her jacket.

"Yeah," she answered, kissing his throat and wrapping her leg around his, lifting her hips up to his.

"We'll be creative some other time," he answered, lifting her sweater up to kiss her belly as he reached to undo her bra. She sat up, letting his slide her jacket off and pull her sweater over her head. She pulled her bra off as he took off his jacket and pulled his shirt off. She undid his jeans as he fondled her breasts and laid back down as he undid hers, sliding them off before stepping out of his.

His mouth sought out her breast, fondling the other with his hand as she ran her fingers through the thickness of his dark hair, closing her eyes to his touch. He continued to suck on her nipple gently, lowering his hand down between her legs, moaning against her when he felt her wetness. She arched her back and took a deep breath with his touch, whimpering as he pleased her and lowered his head down with kisses until he was sucking on her hungrily, his hands caressing the inside of her thighs until she stiffened in orgasm and grabbed a fist full of hay.

Before the pleasure subsided, he entered her, groaning in satisfaction with the first, deep, slow thrust, staying deep inside to feel her around him. She ran her hands down his arms slowly, looking directly into his face, biting her bottom lip and moved her hips against him bit by bit until he could thrust deep inside again. Her hands ran over the muscles of his chest and belly slowly before reaching around to hold onto his hips, pulling back from him even slower again until he thrust against with a deep breath, closing his eyes as he entered her again and pulled back out a bit quicker than last time. This time he drove in slowly, feeling each move he made, trying to remain at a unhurried pace, but his body was reacting to her touch. Her fingers ran along his spine languidly, and she never took her eyes off his, looking at him with such desire and love and determination. The rhythm picked up with his heartbeat and soon he was coming, burying his head into her shoulder as the pleasure swept through his body, bucking his hips against hers almost without control.

She kissed the side of his head as one hand ran her fingers through his hair and the other draped slowly up and down his back, and he caught his breath and rested against her contentedly. He fondled her breast gently and kissed her shoulder before seeking out her mouth to kiss her fully for several more minutes. When he sat up, he placed his hands under her knees and lifted her hips up as she laughed. "Will this help out the little guys?" he laughed, leaning over and kissing her again. "March, dudes, march!"

~

Kevin sat on the deck with some of the crew members, letting the air cool his skin and the night sky calm his brain. With the patio doors closed, he couldn't even hear the stereo or the noise of the mini-party happening inside. As the joint made its way back, he took one last drag and passed it on, slouching down into the lounge and closing his eyes to the calming sensation he was starting to feel. He could feel his muscles relax and his eyelids get heavier, and as he listened to the breeze blow around with light snow falling around him, he suddenly felt a heavy sense of homesickness strike him along with an overwhelming sense of missing his father.

He knew the reason why the second he asked himself. Along with just being overtired, he knew it had everything to do with the conversation he had with Jana in the stables and realizing that his children would never know their grandfather outside of the memories he held of him. He knew his father would have loved being a grandfather. He'd always been good with kids and involved in shaping their lives. Part of him attributed his patience with the fans to his father - the unending patience his father had shown for all their questions at the camp and doing whatever was asked of him to the best of his abilities. He at least tried to have his commitment, and he was brought to a new appreciation of his determination, as he understood now how tired he must have been all those nights making sure everything was taken care of.

All he wanted to do was tell him that, and he could feel the lump settle in his throat because he couldn't. He could tell it to the clouds, to the flurries, to the wind, to his memories, but it didn't seem to make a difference not being able to see his father's face or see his expression. All he wanted was just one more hour with him, just one hour to tell him everything he had learned, everything he finally understood. He wanted to see his father's smile when he told him he was going to be a grandfather. He wanted to see his father's face the first time he held one of his children and none of it…not one of his wishes would ever be granted.

He closed his eyes and released a heavy breath, reminding himself he was just too tired to continue thinking this train of thought. He knew when he was overtired, the thoughts, memories and unanswered wishes moved to the front of his brain because he was too tired to remember to hold them at bay. And, of course, taking a few drags of weed never really helped matters outside of relaxing him enough to let his body sleep.

He passed when the joint came around again, heading inside to find Jana instead. The music hit him like a wall as soon as the patio door opened, and took a slight step back with it, squinting at the brightness of the lights, searching the spacious living room for her. She was near the dining area by the kitchen with a drink in her hand, cigarette in the other, and Howie stood with his hand around her waist. Both of them were dancing and laughing, synchronizing perfectly in the steps as Jana laughed with one of Howie's friends.

"Whatcha doin' with my woman, dawg?" Kevin teased as he made his way towards them, folding his arms and leaning back against the dining room table behind him.

"She's corrupting me!" Howie protested playfully.

"She's good at that," Kevin replied with a slow nod, watching her hips sway in front of him. "Look at the spell she's put me under."

"That's not a spell," she giggled, looking at him over she shoulder. "That's stoned."

Kevin lifted an eyebrow and smiled slyly. "Bit of that, too," he admitted calmly with a nod.

Jana turned and grabbed Howie's friend's hand and passed her to Howie before making her way over to Kevin. She stood in front of him, and he just lowered his forehead to her shoulder tiredly. She placed her hand at the base of his neck and kissed his temple gently. "Tired, baby?" she asked gently and he nodded against her. "Want to turn in?" He nodded again against her shoulder. She turned her head and finished her drink, reaching to place the cup on the table behind him, and took the last drag of her cigarette, putting it out in the ashtray next to her cup. "Come on, Sleepy," she cooed gently, sliding her hand into his. "Let's get you to bed."

Kevin led her through the living room, saying good night to a few people, and headed down the hallway to the bedroom they were in. He could still hear the music, but once the door was closed, it was at least muffled somewhat and he made his way over to the bed, still left unmade from that morning. All he did was sit down though, without making any further attempt to go to sleep or turn off the light.

Jana climbed across the mattress behind him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, resting her head down with a sigh. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said with a slight shake of his head, reaching his hand up to hers and squeezing them gently.

"You're pensive," she told him knowingly. "What's on your mind?"

"I'm overtired," he said with a heavy sigh, resting his head against hers. "I'm thinking about my dad."

"What about him, baby?" she asked, settling behind him more comfortably and releasing a hand to run down his arm gently.

"Nothing in particular," he said with a lift of his shoulder. "Just miss him."

"I'm sorry, Kev," she said softly and he barely nodded, closing his eyes to the sound of her voice. He could feel her shift again, but she returned immediately, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tightly. She took a breath against him, keeping her embrace tight around his shoulders, and he tightened his eyes repeating 'you're tired, you're tired, you're tired' to himself in an attempt to hold it all together.

He hated this. Hated when this mood descended on him without warning or any way to get rid of it. He hated feeling like this when someone was in the room with him. He knew it had settled in, and couldn't figure out why he'd gone to get Jana knowing it was there. He wanted to be alone to get past it, but he didn't want her to let go of him either. He just wanted to sit and feel her next to him as he continued to tell himself he was too tired and he would not cry.

He could feel her move away from him again, but he didn't move at all. He listened to her move around the room for a minute and the room went dark beneath his eyelids. He opened his eyes and noticed she had lit a few candles on the top of the chest of drawers across from the bed and was coming back to him. She sat back against the headboard and reached out to him, bringing his head down to her shoulder and smoothed his hair in slow, steady strokes, running her hand along his arm without ever saying a word, seeming to understand that he didn't want to speak. She held him warmly and kissed the top of his head, letting him stay quiet and close his eyes with her touch and whispered 'I'm so sorry, Kevin,' softly before kissing the top of his head again.

His entire family gathered at the house after they buried his father. The dining room table had been made into a buffet with the different foods people had brought by. Chairs were pushed along the outer rim of the rooms and people stood in small clusters talking about…he didn't even know. Some were quiet, others laughed softly, a few people were drunk and some of his aunts were going group to group taking care of the guests as he stood near the front hallway feeling alternately sick to his stomach and numb. He looked across the room and saw his oldest brother sitting with some relatives and talking seriously. Tim was near the dining room, looking as shocked as Kevin felt, and his mother stood in the center of the room so she could greet the guests with a slight appreciative smile and embrace as they arrived. Comforting everyone to comfort herself. The most disturbing part of the whole thing was that he kept looking to the stairs, waiting for his father to make his way down - and then remembered that he wouldn't.

He had stood next to his brother at the cemetery, square shoulders with tear filled eyes as the reverend said his prayers, unable to look anyone in the face for fear of completely breaking down. He couldn't. He had to be strong, but hearing the sniffles and recognizing his mother's soft crying was heartbreaking.

The majority of her life, his father had been by his mother's side and now, Kevin had to wonder how she was going to manage without that support. He had to wonder how he and his brothers were going to be able to leave her alone now that their father was gone.

Gerald had a wife and family now, a life in another state. Tim had only come home these last few months, like Kevin had, but both of them had talked about leaving once 'it' was all over - once their father was better, of course. Not letting each other consider that their father wouldn't get better. Now what were they supposed to do? Who was supposed to stay home and take care of things? How much needed to be taken care of?

His eyes roamed around the room in front of him, filled with the people he had known his entire life; friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, parishioners…. What was he supposed to say to any of them when they asked how he was doing? He was afraid if he said anything he would lose the tentative hold he had on his already weary emotions. So far, he'd managed to just nod or return a polite smile and shake a hand or kiss a cheek before his mother swooped in to embrace her loved ones and feed them.

Just as he was about to sneak away, he turned and saw Brian standing at the foot of the steps, leaning against the wall and watching him quietly, and Kevin had to go. He forced a smile and went through the first door he found, feeling like he was suffocating. The door led to the front yard, and Kevin just started across, concentrating on loosening his tie and blinking back the tears. He glanced down to Brian, walking next to him with hands in his pockets and looking to the grass beneath his feet awkwardly.

"You don't hafta talk," Brian said quietly, glancing up to Kevin with big blue eyes. "I just…I mean…I figured you might…I dunno…"

"It's all right," Kevin answered quietly, looking straight ahead, closing his eyes briefly.

"I keep hearin' everyone say how proud they are of y'all," Brian ventured, watching Kevin nervously. "And that you grew up a lot."

Kevin smiled slightly, mimicking his relatives. "Last I saw you, you were this big," he joked slightly, lowering his hand down to his thigh.

"Yeah," Brian chuckled lightly in agreement. "I was 'this big'," he said, folding his arms like he was holding a baby. They walked around the side of the house, heading towards the back yard without saying anything more for a while. "I don't know what to say, Kevin."

"Nothin' to say," Kevin answered, sticking his hands into the trouser pockets.

"You goin' back to Florida?" he asked, but Kevin only shrugged. "You like it there?"

"'S okay," he answered, scuffing his heels along the driveway.

"My mom was sayin' she'd be able to help out, you know," Brian continued hesitantly. "Looking in on your mom an' all so she wouldn't be lonely." Kevin nodded, stiffening his jaw quietly and wishing Brian wouldn't say anything more. "I will too…well, till I go to college or somethin'."

"College, eh?" Kevin asked, hoping to steer him away from the current topic. "Which one?"

"Where else? U.K.," Brian said with a shrug, leaning over to pick up the basketball lying in the grass. He started bouncing it rhythmically, passing it to Kevin for a bit before Kevin bounced it back to him. "One on one?"

Kevin looked back towards the house for a second and slipped his suit coat off, laying it over the hood of a car before starting to roll up his sleeves. Brian did the same, resting his foot on the basketball, and picked it up, passing it to Kevin and crouching slightly in front of him, ready to block.

By the time they finished, Tim and another cousin had joined them, and it was starting to get dark. Kevin was definitely winded, but moving around had helped clear his head, and he wasn't thinking about the funeral at all...at least not until one of the relatives came out to say good-bye and tell them how sorry he was.

This time, Tim was beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and leading him to the back corner of the yard, and somehow, Kevin started crying. He wasn't sure when, or how, but he was just suddenly aware of crying and his brother's arms wrapped around his shoulders. "'S okay, Kev," Tim kept saying, his voice cracking with his own tears. "'It's okay."

He felt like a child, and, as long as he felt like one, he wanted to admit he didn't want his brother's embrace. He wanted his mom. He wanted to hear his mother tell him it was going to be okay and to hold him and to let him cry like the little lost kid he felt like. He'd believe it if his mom told him it would be okay.

"We lost our dad, Kev," Tim told him, holding the back of Kevin's shirt. "It's okay to cry about it."

"Yeah." It was the only thing he could think of to answer, but he pulled away anyway and wiped his face without looking at Tim. "I'm okay."

"We all will be," Tim assured him, putting a firm hand on his shoulder. "I got your back, little man."

"I know," Kevin said gruffly with a nod, trying not to cry again. "I'm okay now."

Tim reached into his pocket, glancing over his shoulders and towards the house before pulling out a joint. He glanced to Kevin with lifted eyebrows and lit it, handing it to Kevin with another look around. "Go ahead," he said quietly, "I know you've done it before. Hopefully you're doing it less."

"Yeah, I am," Kevin said, taking a drag as he looked to the house.

"Good, 'cause I'll kick your ass if I find out you're making a habit of it," Tim said, taking it back from him. "Just enough to mellow out," he said firmly with a stern look, and Kevin nodded. One drag was enough to do that, and he declined the next offer.

That was the first and last time he had done that with Tim, and it had shocked him to know that Tim knew he'd gotten stoned before. He'd figured he'd hidden it better, but Tim always seemed to know every time he had done something he wasn't supposed to. Not as much as Jerry had. Jerry must have had informants planted everywhere Kevin went, to judge by the lectures he so often received when he went home. Tim, however, had a knack for pulling Kevin aside, telling him he fucked up and giving him a stern look that pretty much stuck with him. Just enough to mellow out and that's all it ever was from that point on.

He'd never been able to cry in his mother's arms, though. She'd needed him to square his shoulders, and do what was needed and comfort her. She lost her best friend, her husband, and her lover, and it wasn't until a few years ago that Kevin realized how much she had lost that day. Right now, with Jana's arms around him, feeling the same kind of queasy mellow, sadness, he realized it again, but now Jana was holding him, providing the comfort he had craved that day and he closed his eyes to it, letting himself be comforted instead of forcing the emotions back to be strong. He let himself rest in her embrace and remember his father, sensing that somehow his father really would understand and approve of the life they were planning on having together.

~

Kevin woke up with Jana sleeping against his chest. The short ends of her hair barely tickled his arm, but still managed to let him know she was there before opening his eyes. He didn't remember falling asleep, lying down or when she got out of bed to blow out the candles. He just remembered her comfort and smiled to himself, listening to the wind against the windows and the muted sounds of voices down the hall. He didn't even care to see what time it was. He still had another night in this bed before he had to be Backstreet again, and just that thought made him settle deeper into the mattress. One more night without the ground moving beneath him on a bus going 80 mph - it was bliss.

"You were going to take me riding," Jana mumbled against him, running her hand over his chest sleepily.

"How do you know I'm awake yet?" he answered with a groggy voice.

"I'm psychic," she answered, rolling on her side and nuzzling closer against him with a deep breath.

"I don't think I want to get up yet," he yawned, running a hand over her arm lazily.

"Good," she yawned in return, "me neither."

"Wild and crazy," Kevin muttered, barely chuckling.

"Mmm," she responded, settling against him more comfortably, "that's us. Time's it?"

"Dunno, don't care." He turned onto his side to face her, bending an arm under his pillow, and blinked at her as she settled onto her own pillow and mirrored him, opening her eyes. "Time doesn't exist until the sun comes back up at some point tomorrow."

"Time doesn't exist?" she questioned, obviously liking the idea judging by the smile she gave him. "Can we be ageless and timeless at the same time?"

"Whatever you want to be, darlin'." He leaned over to kiss her forehead gently. "As long as we be whatever it is together. How's that?"

"Pretty fucking amazing," she said lightly, running her fingertip over his lips gently, moving closer towards him and draping a leg over his. "Especially since you're ageless, timeless and naked all at the same time."

"If we're timeless, I could make love to you for an eternity, couldn't I?" he questioned with a smile.

"You could," she agreed with a nod, letting her hand slip under the blankets to his growing erection. "Or, it could be over in a second."

"That would be a waste of timelessness, don't you think?"

"I don't know, why don't you try it first, and I'll let you know what I think," she said, feeling his hand slide over her belly and between her legs. "But I can tell you right now, you're starting off on a good note."

Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 9
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Read the companion story:
Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

c. 2001, 2002 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.