Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 11
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The flight wasn't long enough to nap and Kevin didn't have the concentration to even flip through Rolling Stone anymore. Instead, he adjusted his seat back a bit further and turned his head to look out at the clouds beneath him. One leg down, another week to go in Japan and it was done. The Black and Blue tour would officially be history. Regardless of how tired he was, saying good-bye to the boys yesterday made him feel a bit more melancholy than he thought he would feel. This morning, saying good-bye to Jana had finished that and simply depressed him. He and Howie took a car to the airport and at the last minute Kevin changed his flight. He didn't want to face Kristin just yet. His brother's would be visiting his mother and going home just seemed like the most logical thing. He could use the excuse that he wanted to visit his family - seeing as it's so rare they're all together. Part of him thought his brothers planned this just so he would go home, but he didn't want to consider the reasons why. There were lectures involved. An intervention to save their youngest brother from the eternal fires of Hell for divorcing his wife… Right now, he didn't care. He just didn't want to go back to LA and face everything that would be waiting for him there.

~

"Three weeks," Kevin said, sitting at the kitchen table with his hands wrapped around a mug. It didn't matter anymore, no amount of caffeine was going to keep him awake and the comfort he felt sitting in this kitchen circled him like his old flannel pajamas. His brain had been triggered - the smell, the sound, the creaking floorboard, even the lighting. He was home and his body realized it was time to rest.

"What're you going to do for three weeks?" Ann asked, sitting next to him at the head of the table with her own mug, watching her youngest son stretch an arm on the table and rest his head in his palm.

"Sleep?" he offered lightly with a partial smile.

She smiled gently at him and stood up beside him. Instinctively, Kevin sat up and Ann reached down to cup his face. "You're so tired," she said, leaning over to gently kiss his forehead. "Go on up to bed. There's clean sheets on." She pinched his chin like only a mother could and he smiled tiredly to her, unable to argue. "We can talk later on."

He stood up and wrapped his arms around her, noticing how small she suddenly felt against him and wondering when that had happened. He pulled back and kissed her cheek dutifully, slipping away from her and headed back through the familiar rooms as memories ran with free abandon. Every corner seemed to have people and events gathered, almost waving to him as he made his way up the steps. Christmas' and Easter's, birthday parties, receptions, prom, family times…they were all there and it was all too much to consider at the moment.

~

"Don't wake him if he's not up!" Ann called up the steps after Jerry and Tim.

Tim opened the bedroom door first and peeked in, blinking at the form sleeping in the bed. "Shit," he whispered, looking back to his older brother. "When the heck did he get so bulky? That's not our little brother."

"It might be our little sister," Jerry said, noticing Kevin's shoulder length hair. "When'd he become a girl?"

"Aw, leave him alone," Tim chastised, looking back to the bed. "He might be able to hurt us if we're not nice to him. Where'd he get the muscle from?"

"He's not awake," Jerry said, nudging Tim to head back downstairs.

Tim merely snickered and headed further into the room. "You gotta watch my back in case he tosses one of those tree trucks of arms at me," he whispered. He leaned over, unable to keep from giggling and flicked the back of Kevin's head with his finger several times.

"Lil punk-ass," Kevin grumbled, waving an arm over his head. Tim attempted to stifle his giggle and flicked Kevin's head again. "Fuckin'…knock it off, Nick!"

"Nick?" Tim asked, putting his hands on his hips and looking down to the mattress. Kevin opened his eyes quickly and sat up, blinking in confusion around the room until he realized where he was. "Who the heck are you calling Nick?" Tim asked, poking Kevin's shoulder with a laugh before jumping on the bed and bouncing. "Hey, little bro! Welcome home!" He threw his arms around Kevin playfully and tousled his hair.

"Jesus Christ, Tim!" Kevin groaned, pushing him off.

"Watch it," Jerry said with a teasing grin from the doorway. He stepped across the room, taking a leap onto the mattress, tumbling into Tim, who then tumbled into Kevin. "He's still whiney when he wakes up. You'd think he'd grow out of that by now!"

"You'd think," Tim agreed. "Then again, even looking like Mr. Universe, he's still our little kid brother."

"I told you boys not to wake him," Ann scolded from the doorway.

"He was up!" Tim protested. "Weren't you, Kev?" He nudged an elbow into Kevin's side as Kevin was rubbing his eyes.

"Hum?" Kevin asked, lifting his head and blinking at Tim.

"Boys!" Ann sighed impatiently. "You're still boys. Out! Out!" She waved her arm towards the hallway. "Let Kevin get some rest."

"I'm up," Kevin mumbled with a wave of his hand.

"Nonsense," Ann said, clicking her tongue and shaking her head as Tim and Jerry filed out past her. "Honestly! You should be ashamed of yourselves." She closed the door behind her and Kevin dropped back into the mattress with a sigh. Nonsense, was right. He wasn't up and rolled back over to sleep.

~

"Ma! Ma! Stop!" Kevin said, turning into the laundry room. "Don't do my laundry. I can do my own! Stop!"

Ann closed the lid and the machine started churning. "Too late," she replied with a triumphant smile. "You don't trust your mother to do your laundry anymore?"

"I'm thirty years old, ma" he told her, tilting his head to the side with a grin. "My mother shouldn't be doing my laundry anymore."

"Funny, I was just thinking that," she said with a smile, going into the kitchen following Kevin. "There I was putting your clothes into the machine and all I could think about was how many loads of laundry I used to do but the sizes were so much smaller. What happened to my little boys? I used to do all three of your clothes in the same load…now I can barely get just one." She grinned at him and shook his head. "I don't have little boys anymore."

Kevin sat at the kitchen table and smiled to her. "You have Will," he offered. "Eventually, you'll have others. Maybe little girls too if Tim and I ever get busy."

Ann poured a cup of coffee from the pot just brewed and placed a mug in front of Kevin. "Your lives are so much busier than ours ever were, I don't expect many grandchildren these days." She poured another mug and sat down at the head of the table, tilting her head and looking at Kevin. "Unless you're trying to tell me something?"

Kevin shook his head broadly and sipped the coffee. "Ah, no," he replied, setting the cup down. "Not this year. No fault of mine, though."

She lifted an eyebrow and looked at him curiously. "Oh?"

Kevin sighed and looked back at her with a drop of his chin. "You're not going to pretend like you don't know what's going on, are you?" he asked.

"I'm just letting you bring up the conversation, dear," she answered, wrapping her hands around the mug.

"It's up and on the table. Go ahead, pry." He smiled to her with a lift of his shoulder, sitting back in the chair and getting comfortable.

"You're thirty, Kevin. I'm not going to pry. I'm just going to ask what happened."

"I know how much y'all love Kristin," he started, looking to his hands holding the mug. "Hell, I do too in some way, but… Well, we've had some problems." He shrugged. "Dang, we've always had problems and being married didn't solve them. It's not what I want my future to be. That's why I didn't ask her sooner."

"Are you sure of that?" Ann asked. "Now that you have a new person in your life? Is it you've not been satisfied with Kristin, or that you have something else being offered?"

Kevin shook his head, still looking at the table. "It's not because Jana's with me now. Not entirely. As I said, we've always had problems. Before Jana. Even if I stopped seeing her today, the problems would still be there and neither one of us wants to give in to fix them. And…well, even if Kristin did, I wouldn't believe it was because she wanted to," he looked to his mother, "and I don't want to force anyone into doing something they don't want to. Not after it's been done to me. And this time, it wouldn't be just Kristin and me. There'd be a baby in the world that would pay the price and it's just wrong to put something like that in the mix when… I don't know." He looked back to his mug. "I just don't know," he repeated quietly.

"A baby wouldn't fix problems between you, Kevin," Ann told him. "You're right about that, but what about fixing problems without having a baby? Can't you try to do that first?"

"What do you think I've been trying to do for the last two years, ma?" he asked, looking to her. "It wasn't the best of starts and it's not going to be the greatest of endings. I'll tell ya that right now. There were problems before we got married. I didn't want to get married in the first place, but I did the right thing hoping that once I did, she's be satisfied and I'd grow to accept it. But it didn't happen." He lifted his shoulders easily. "It just never happened. We started in a lie and it's been one ever since, regardless of having done the right thing."

"Well, I've read that after a couple loses a child…" Ann started, but Kevin shook his head evenly. "But there have been studies…"

"We didn't lose a child, ma," he said. "There never was a child. She lied about it. She lied so I would do the right thing and marry her, only she couldn't keep up lying and told me. It was too late by then. The plans had been made and the invitations sent out and…I kind of hoped that it would be the right decision to go ahead with it. Figured I owed her at least that much, right?" He exhaled heavily, dropping his chin into his hands as he leaned his elbows on the table. "She said we'd get started on having a family right away…once we were married." His palms opened up on the table and he lifted his eyebrows. "Well? There's no baby, is there? There's no marriage. I've been out touring for a year. She's been out working…" He shook his head. "And whenever we discuss it, it turns into a fight about how she doesn't want to give up her career and I'm never home. But the thing is…I wasn't home before we were married, either. I don't understand why she had to be married so desperately if nothing was going to change. We didn't make any more of a commitment to our relationship after our vows than before. Nothing changed. Nothing at all."

"Well then, what makes you think things would be any different with Jana?" Ann asked. "You're not planning on staying home more, are you? Is she going to give up her life to follow you around?"

He shook his head and sighed. "No, she's not," he replied. "But she's also understands that. She's not expecting things to change - she's just accepting the way things are and I love that about her." He looked back to Ann with a serious expression. "I love that there's nothing hidden. There's not an agenda anywhere. There's no reason or purpose to us being together outside of us wanting to be. Should she get pregnant, she said it would be her main priority. She wouldn't look at it as giving up anything, but gaining a new life."

"That's very easily said until it happens," Ann said intently. "Many women feel like that until it actually happens." She lifted a finger to silence his protest. "Now, I'm not saying that to be critical, Kevin. As an outside observer, Jana doesn't have that much to give up, does she?"

"Yes, she does," he contradicted with a nod. "She's talented and on the brink of having her career start flying if she really works at it."

"And do you think she'll still feel that way once it is? Or might she start to feel the same way as Kristin does now that her career is taking off?" Kevin looked at Ann, unable to answer. "That's all I'm asking, Kevin. It's not finding fault, it's just a possibility."

"I don't think it would matter," he said quietly. "Honestly, I don't. No one can predict the future. I couldn't predict this would be happening. Hell, Kristin's been in my life for a decade and look at us. I had no idea I'd ever feel like this about her."

"How do you feel about her?"

"I hate hurting her," he confessed with a shake of his head, sipping his coffee. "I hate that I second guess everything she does wondering why she does it. I hate the idea of having to go home to her and feeling awkward and stiff. She knows what's going on, but doesn't want to believe it. She doesn't want to see that there are problems between us. But I've told her I can't get over that initial lie. I can't get over the fact that I was tricked into a marriage by someone who claims she loves me. That I was lied to by someone else that I let myself trust."

"Darling, in spite of what you're thinking, and maybe her actions weren't quite noble, I think Kristin does love you and did what she did because of that. Not to deceive you, as hard as that may be for you to understand." He looked at her doubtfully and scoffed lightly. "Kevin, she doesn't have the potential Lou had to hurt you."

"Do you really see much of a difference between them?" he asked intensely angry. "Because I don't. The only difference I see is that I never consummated my relationship with Lou with sex. Both of them gained my trust. Both of them lied. Both of them made promises they never meant to keep…" He shook his head in disgust. "I can pay off Lou to never to see or talk to him again. But I'm supposed to go home and be a husband to Kristin and still not feel like some kind of slave? When I can't trust a single thing she says to me?" He shook his head at his mother and swallowed another mouthful of coffee. "We had no right getting married."

"Then why did you, Kevin? If that's how you felt?" Ann asked, shocked by his reactions.

"Because!" he said firmly, lifting a hand up. "Hell, I don't know anymore! It was easier than not?" He shrugged indecisively. "Because she had been in my life for eight years and I felt like I should make it legitimate? I really thought I was doing the right thing, but neither of us loved each other. We loved the idea of each other as a couple. The whole wonderful world of Disney fairy tale when, maybe, in reality, it was just Grimm's fairy tale all along. I never was a prince and she was never a princess." He dropped his forehead down to the table and shook his head against it slowly. "I didn't know what else I was supposed to do," he said with his voice muffled. Ann reached out and smoothed a hand down his neck. "I wanted to do the right thing and didn't know that calling it off," he lifted his head, "calling it off was the right thing. I just didn't want to disappoint her, I guess. I knew she was getting pressure from her family and her friends…" He bit his lips together and looked at Ann again. "I wasted enough of her time, I figured I owed it to her to make an honest woman out of her. And I tried, mom. I tried to be what she wanted and I just don't…feel it. I don't love her...not enough to continue being married."

"But you do love her at all?" Ann asked, putting her hand over his.

"I care for her," he admitted. "I don't want anything bad to happen to her. She's not entirely bad. I know she can be sweet and I know she's thoughtful and loving."

"So, what more are you looking for, Kevin? Sometimes that's what happens in a marriage. You're not always going to feel fireworks and excitement. It settles. You've been together for eight years…things change over the course of time."

"No," he said firmly, shaking his head. "If I ever had that initial feeling, maybe I'd settle for the way things are now. But don't you think that maybe there was a reason we didn't get married sooner? We never had that kind of commitment, at least, I didn't if I'm going to be honest. She hoped being married would give us that, and although I haven't really strayed until now, that commitment still wasn't there. I did it out of duty - not desire. And, damn it, I'm just tired of living the lie, mom. I'm tired of pretending. Almost everything else in my life is fake and plastic…and I don't want to live my marriage like that. It's not fake and plastic when I'm with Jana." His face was serious when he looked to Ann. "When I'm with her I have that feeling and just know, even if things don't stay passionate and fiery for eternity, it'll still be something I'll want. I want to get comfortable and settle with Jana. It's never changed with her. I felt like that twelve years ago and I still feel like that after getting to know her again."

"You were children twelve years ago, Kevin," she said gently. "Your father and I knew things were getting serious with her and we were uncomfortable…thinking you might limit yourself when there was a whole world that you needed to explore. And maybe now…considering how much has happened while you were out there, you're looking for something that existed twelve years ago and trying to make it exist again. You have both grown up, Kevin. Led completely different lives…how could either of you possibly know who the other person is after such a short time? Especially enough to know you want to give up your marriage for it? It's a big step under any circumstance…maybe not being satisfied with Kristin is making you think Jana is what you're looking for without really seeing things for the way they really are."

"Are you trying to tell me that Jana isn't good enough for me?" he asked, resting his elbows on the table and dropping his head slightly to the side.

"I'm trying to say that maybe you haven't given all of this much time to be making such definite decisions. I know you love us, Kevin, but that's not why you're here. You're here because you don't want to face Kristin. Maybe you don't want things to be as over as you say you do because if you go home, that's what's going to have to happen."

"Honestly? I'm here so I don't just go home and get it over with," he agreed with a nod. "Because I agree we need to put a lot of thought into how we need to do things and say the things that need to be said so we can walk away without feeling like we wasted ten years of our lives. Maybe it can't be done, but I don't want to jeopardize the possibility if it exists. I need to get my head together. I need to catch up with the rest of what's going on. I don't doubt that I want to be with Jana, but I don't think I need to toss it in Kristin's face at the same time, either." He tried to smile at Ann.

"Kevin," Ann said seriously, "what do you think you're doing now? You're already with Jana, aren't you? You think that's not tossing it into Kristin's face? Knowing that you're sleeping with another woman?"

"She knows about it because she wanted to pry," he said. "I didn't tell her, or make it obvious. The world knows about it because she told a reporter. None of this has been coming from me. I get to look like the bad guy, sure, but show me one thing I've done to rub it into anyone's face?"

"You started a relationship with someone else and she knew about it," Ann answered him. "I don't care how much you say you're innocent here, Kevin, what you're doing is simply not right." They both looked to the laundry room, hearing the back door close.

"The way I see it, it takes two people to destroy a marriage," he replied with a firm drop of his chin, looking directly at his mother again. "There are two people in every relationship and what do you do when only one of them is working at it? When do you say enough?"

Jerry came in through the laundry room doorway taking off his coat and gloves. "You don't," he answered Kevin easily, leaning against the doorframe. "You made your promise in front of your friends, family and God. You don't break those promises. You continue to try. It's not always about happiness, Kevin. It's not always fun like you seem to think your life is about. Sometimes, people have to work and struggle towards their goals. Once this works out with your wife, you'll feel a much greater appreciation for what you two have than ever before."

Kevin turned and crinkled his forehead at Jerry in disbelief. "Once this works out?" he questioned.

"Yes, once this works out," Jerry replied with a nod. "You haven't even begun to attempt to work this out."

"And you've, what, been living my life for me to know?" Kevin asked shaking his head at Jerry.

"Kevin," Jerry said, standing across from him at the table, "I do this for a living. I council couples about this and I find it hard to believe that you've exhausted every option available to you."

"And again, you've been living my life to make these decisions about it?" Kevin asked.

"Kevin," Ann started, reaching out to touch his arm, "please, Jerry is only trying to give you something more to consider. You haven't been to marriage counseling have you?"

"You know," Kevin said, standing up and shaking his head, "I'm not doing this." He pushed his chair back and started across the living room.

"You're not doing this?" Jerry called after him incredulously, walking around the table after him as Tim came in through the laundry room, watching Jerry and Kevin in confusion. "You're not doing this?" he repeated. "So you're going to run off and pout?" Kevin whirled around and glared at Jerry. "Face it, Kevin! You're not thinking about this, are you? You're just going to go off and do whatever you want! Kevin made up his mind and that's all there is to it, right?"

"I don't have to clear this with any of you!" Kevin argued. "I don't need your permission, Jerry! Get over yourself! I had a father already!"

"Kevin!" Ann stood up from the table, but Tim put his arm around her shoulder with a shake of his head.

"Enough of this shit," Kevin scowled, ripping a jacket off the hook near the door and stormed out the front door.

~

Kevin stood on the porch, leaning his back against one of the beams and sitting on the railing, looking out over the scenery ahead of him. The tree branches were dark brown with wetness, reaching into a coal gray sky littered with snowflakes falling fast and heavy. He could see his breath rise and be carried away with the wind, making his cheeks and nose bright red with it's chill.

He didn't really feel the cold, or see the cold, wintry scenery spread before him. His mind was watching the new arrivals file off the buses, confused faces of the littler kids trying to figure out which group to join, bright sunshine burning their cheeks with it's warmth and the sounds of laughter and squeals rising above the chaos of arrival. When he turned his head, he saw cool, gentle evenings when the camp was closed, sitting around a campfire with his friends in the darkness or walking along the trails holding hands with various girls he'd met over the summers past.

The cabins were haunted with the children that had passed through under the guidance of his father, and the childhood he spent roaming around these grounds trying to find his way to where he was now. He had chosen to get married up here for the main fact that this is where his father was still alive. The memories of him at home had been tarnished by the frail, sickly man he became within those walls, but out here, in the air, he could remember the strength and cheerful guidance of the father he loved and admired, feel him close and half expecting to turn around and see him over his shoulder, pointing to one of the animals that would pass by quietly so he didn't miss seeing it.

Instead, when he turned around, he saw Tim heading up the path towards him, hands stuck in the pockets of his wool coat and shrugging against the wind. "Didn't anyone tell you it's cold out here, Kev?" he called with a grin, stepping up onto the porch and noticing Kevin was just in a black hooded sweater-type jacket with a black wool hat. Kevin merely shrugged and looked back out over the grounds, seeing the tip of the mountains laid out before him. "Mom wondered where you got off to," he said. "I figured you'd be here."

"It's been awhile," Kevin said, turning his back towards the grounds and shoving his hands in his own pockets as he sat more evenly on the railing.

Tim looked beyond Kevin and smiled, seemingly seeing the same visions Kevin had. "Yeah, it has, hasn't it?" he agreed with a slow nod. "So," he said, turning his eyes to Kevin, "now that Mom and Jerry aren't here to bust on you," he winked with a grin, "what's up?"

"You already know what's up," Kevin answered, turning his back against the beam and looking away. "I haven't omitted anything. It's just the way it is, even if they don't want to agree to it."

"Came up here to clear your head some?" Tim asked, going to the beam opposite Kevin and leaning against it, also sitting down on the railing to look at him. "See what Dad has to say?" he asked lightly. Kevin just shrugged, keeping his eyes on a squirrel scurrying beneath one of the trees. "I know that's why you come here, Kev. You feel closer to him here, don't you?"

"Don't you?" Kevin asked, glancing over to Tim. "This was his life, you know? This is where his heart was...is. Maybe coming up here will give me a clue where to find mine. I don't know. Maybe draw some kind of inspiration from where he got his."

"Kev," Tim said easily, scanning the grounds, "you gotta go where your heart is on this one. Fuck Mom and Jerry and their rules and all that…you gotta go with what you want to do to be happy in the end. That's why this place is so special…'cause that's what dad did when he took this job. It wasn't the most economic decision, or the most practical, but look what we all got out of it because he did…because he did follow his heart." Kevin turned and looked at Tim, surprised. "What, you think I don't know about matters of the heart?" he asked. "Granted, it may not be my forte or calling, like Jerry thinks it is for him, but we all have our choices to make at some point. And that's it, Kev." He looked at Kevin sincerely. "It's your choice in the end. And it's your life in the end and you gotta do what's going to be best for you in the end. I know Kristin a lot better than I remember Jana, but I do remember you talking about her when you guys were dating."

"You do?" Kevin asked, again surprised that Tim would remember something like that about his life. Tim had been planning his escape out into the world, starting his modeling career and trying to forget the blue-grass roots of Kentucky. He figured there had been too much else happening back then for Tim to remember their offhanded conversations.

"You're my kid brother!" Tim said adamantly. "Of course I remember! You most definitely were in love with her. I don't think either of us realized how much at the time. Hindsight can be a bastard sometimes, eh?" Kevin grinned slightly and shook his head to the side in agreement. "But from what I remember, yeah…you were way gone. Real serious. Not that you dared to say the word 'love' in my presence for fear of me ripping you for the rest of your life, but I kinda figured it out."

"She told me she said 'I love you' one week to the day before I left," Kevin said quietly. "I don't remember that. I mean, I remember saying it - not who said it first or when. I don't remember saying it to anyone before her, if I did, but I do remember it being a big deal. I know I said it first this time around and it just came out like I was saying 'good morning' or something. I don't think it's ever been so easy to say to anyone."

"That's telling," Tim said with a grin. Kevin sighed and nodded. "But, look, Kev, you're all grown up now and all that crap, but I've gotta be a big brother here. You do what you think is going to be best, but keep a few things in mind, okay?"

"Such as?" Kevin asked curiously.

"Such as…you loved Kristin once too and that fades. If you're looking for a future with Jana, have a base. Have something more than the pitter-pat of your heart and the rise of your dick as a symbol. Think about the rest of it - what you want to do, what she wants to do, whether or not that's possible. How would you handle the big things if you disagree? Where do you want to live, even? Do you want to uproot your life, or is having hers uprooted going to be problem? What's important? And is it important to the both of you? If not, are you willing to compromise? You know by now there's more to marriage than being in love. If you're going to walk away from Kristin, at least take some experience with you, you know?"

"I'm considering all that," Kevin admitted.

"You want me to be real honest?" Tim asked looking down as he shifted on the railing and shoved his hands deeper into his pockets.

"I don't know," Kevin answered, watching him fidget. "Do I?"

"I think you were both kinda stupid," Tim said with a partial smile, glancing up slightly. "You were never faithful to her, were you? That's a problem, don't you think? If you can't be faithful before the vows, maybe you shouldn't be taking the vows." He lifted a shoulder and looked over the grounds again, avoiding Kevin's look.

"That's always been a problem with me," Kevin sighed heavily. "It still is."

"Well, you're not happy with Kris. I don't think you really were going back…" Kevin looked over to Tim guiltily. "What? What's the look for?"

"Fidelity isn't my strong suit," Kevin admitted reluctantly. "With anyone." He kept his eyes on Tim for a moment.

"What're you saying, Kevin?" Kevin lifted his eyebrows and turned his head away, studying the floorboards of the porch beneath his hiking boots. "You cheated on Jana?"

"I don't know." Kevin shook his head, looking to Tim with a furrowed brow. "Does sleeping with your wife while you're having an affair count as cheating on your mistress?"

Tim slowly shook his head, closing his eyes and sighed heavily. "Kev…what're you doing?"

"It wasn't like that," he protested. "She was crying and I just meant to calm her down and…"

"Break-up sex?" Tim scoffed.

Kevin lifted a shoulder in consideration. "Well…yeah, I guess."

"Kev," Tim sighed, "you realize she now thinks she's got a chance, don't you?"

"No she doesn't," Kevin answered with a shake of his head. "She left right afterwards."

"And she's spent the last how many days talking about it with every girlfriend she knows as they convince her that if you still had sex with her, you must still love her," he said knowingly. "I've been there, Kev. You screwed up."

"She's not thinking that," he argued. "She knows it's over."

"How many people did you tell?" he asked.

Kevin shrugged. "Brian knows, I think."

"How many people do you think she told?"

"I honestly don't know," Kevin told him in exasperation. "I don't really care."

"Trust me, little bro, it's coming back to haunt you and if Jerry finds out about it? Your life is going to be miserable."

"You know what?" Kevin said angrily. "Fuck Jerry!" He pushed off the railing and headed down the steps, turning back to Tim. "I'm sick of his fuckin'…sanctimonious God complex!" He waved a hand in the air and turned around with a shake of his head. "We had a father! One that was around long enough to fuckin' raise us! I don't need his shit! Who the hell told him he could interfere in the decisions I make with my life?"

"News flash, Kevin," Tim said coming to the edge of the porch, "he's the oldest brother. The one that spent most of his childhood stuck babysitting us making sure we didn't break too many bones, kill too many spiders, kill each other, get home in time for dinner and showed us our first Playboy. We're beholden to him and he's not the kind to ever let us forget about it. He spent way too much time telling us to blow our noses, not use our sleeves…now he's just telling us the same thing in God-speak. It's not arrogance…well, not entirely. He's just…lookin' out for ya, Kev. He's just being your big brother, too." Kevin turned around and pulled his hat off, scratching the back of his head as he dropped his chin down. "Kev?"

"I know!" he called with a sigh, lifting his face up into the snowflakes and taking an annoyed breath. "I know what he's trying to do." He turned to look at Tim. "I just…I'm sick to death of everyone doubting my ability to make a decision when it comes to my personal life, Tim. I wasn't even given the decision to get married. Now I'm not allowed to have the decision to get a divorce? How fucked is that?" He looked at Tim, expecting a reply but Tim remained quiet. "Don't y'all think that this is hard on me too? That I'm not aware that I'm breakin' Kris' heart? Y'all think I haven't made an effort? Y'all are just being told what's happening now! I've been living this for years! Ask Brian! Ask Howie!" He waved an arm to his side. "They know! They've been around! Brian knew before I even got married! I'm not just bailing because I'm fucking someone else! I could've fucked a hell of a lot more people out there! It's not like I didn't have the chance!"

"Okay, Kev," Tim said calmly, flattening his palms down slowly.

"The only thing I've done in the last three months is fall in love, Tim," he said more quietly. "And I'm not ashamed to say it this time and I don't want to be told that I'm wrong for doing it." He shook his head and turned around. The snow flakes had gotten bigger and looked like heavy feathers from one of the long-ago pillow fights. "You know…we got married up here," he said, turning back to his brother. "The biggest day of my life happened here, Tim, and you know what? I have to make myself remember that. It's not one of the first thoughts that come into my head when I come up here. The biggest day of my life and I have to make myself remember that. Everyone we love surrounded us that day. I have never seen Kristin look more beautiful and I know I stood up there with a smile on my face and felt something for her. But if it was 'all that'…why isn't that one of the first things I remember?"

"Maybe the idea that you're supposed to think it's something unforgettable is a lie," Tim said, sitting down on the top step. "You remember the day, I know that. You just don't remember all the details. But I was there, Kev. And, hell, you seemed happy to me. You seemed really happy to me."

"I was," he admitted, going over to drop down on the bottom step and lean his back against the cabin. "I thought I did the right thing and she was so happy. Dang…she was so happy that day." He dropped his head back against the cabin, rolling it slightly against the wood siding. "And she was so miserable in New York a few days ago." He kept his head against the cabin and looked up to Tim. "This isn't something I'm taking lightly, Tim. It really isn't. I just know this thing with Jana isn't going away. She came back in my life and within a week, I knew that was it." He shrugged and turned his head back to look up straight. "It's not like I've been taking all this time to figure out what the right thing to do was. I was trying to figure out how to break the news to everyone," he said in quiet honesty.

"Well, Kev," Tim said, reaching out to place a hand on Kevin's shoulder, "you did it. In your usual grand fashion." He cracked a smile and nudged his shoulder. "You know, he wasn't entirely wrong. You make up your mind and then make an announcement. There's never any big gray area with you, is there? You may have twinkle-toes, but you're a bull in a china shop when you make up your mind that you want something. Kinda like…Jerry, eh?" Kevin turned his head to roll his eyes at Tim with a sigh. "Come on." Tim nudged him and stood up.

"Where we goin?" Kevin asked, pulling himself up from the step.

"Down to the bar," Tim said, walking a few steps ahead of Kevin. "We'll have some good 'ol Kentucky bourbon, shoot some pool and go home drunk like we used to do. Tomorrow, you'll deal with Jerry and talk to him."

"Great, big brother on a hangover," Kevin groaned, stepping aside Tim.

Tim wrapped his elbow around Kevin's neck and pulled him against his shoulder with a light laugh, tousling the top of Kevin's head fondly. "I'll have a talk with Jerry in the morning and tell him to listen."

"Great fuckin' mediator," Kevin teased, playfully punching Tim in the stomach and breaking free of his grip.

Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 11
Page 44 | Page 45  |  Page 46 

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Read the companion story:
Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

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