Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 11
Page 44 | Page 45  |  Page 46 

Leslie pulled Jana out onto the outdoor deck of the Dodger and led her over to one of the picnic tables in the corner, taking Jana's drink from her hand and sitting her down with a thud. Thankfully it was a fairly quiet night and there weren't many people out on the deck, but those that were looked over with raised eyebrows, a few snickering at Jana's drunkenness and now, added tears.

"Why did they play that song?" Jana whined, stomping her foot. "Why did they have to play one of their songs anyway?"

"Because you were there and the dj knows you're with Kevin and was trying to be nice," Leslie explained.

"But I miss him!" Jana whined, sobbing drunkenly.

"Oh dear God," Leslie mumbled, rolling her eyes. "I know you miss him, Jana." She picked up Jana's purse and pulled out her cell phone, scrolling through the numbers and hit send as Jana continued to cry quietly and take another drink.

"I know it's late," Leslie said quickly when she got an answer, "hopefully I didn't wake you?" Kevin answered with a bit of surprise in his voice that she hadn't. "Oh, good. Here, someone needs to talk to you." She took the drink from Jana's hand and gave her the cell phone. "It's Kevin."

"Kev?" Jana said, cuddling the phone against her ear. "They played 'I Want It That Way' and I miss you so much," she babbled. "It's more than heartbreak, Kev. I miss you so much."

He tried hard not to laugh, knowing she was definitely more drunk than he'd ever seen. "I miss you too, darlin'," he answered.

"Why aren't you here? Why am I here?" Jana went on, slapping a hand down on the picnic table before pushing the hair away from her face. "I hate this. I don't like feeling like this."

"I'm sorry, baby," he said gently. "There's nothing I can do about that right now. I miss you too, though. It'll all be worked out really soon."

"No," she whined. "What happens when…if…no, when you're on the road and I'm on some other tour and we can't see each other for months? I can't do this. It's a real, honest-to-God heartache, Kev." She broke down into tears again. "And I know I'm drunk, but that doesn't mean it's not true," she tried to continue. "God, I miss you."

"Baby," he cooed sympathically, "it'll work out. Really. Leslie needs to take you home, darlin'. Ain't no place lonelier than a bar when you feel like this. Trust me."

"But I don't want to go home to my empty room," she whined.

"It won't always be empty," he tried, chuckling lightly at the whiny drunkenness tone in her voice. "Darlin', let Leslie take you home. Is she there? Can I talk to her?"

Jana held the phone out to Leslie with a pout but pulled it back quickly. "I love you so much, Kevin," she said and then handed the phone to Leslie, dropping her head onto her arms folded on the table.

"I'm sorry," Leslie giggled. "She's a mess, but I figured she needed to talk to you."

"No, it's fine," Kevin told her. "I'm coming out tomorrow though."

"She's just drunk, Kevin," Leslie told him. "I didn't mean…"

"I know," he interrupted. "But if I had any sufficient amount of alcohol in my body, I'd probably be doing the same thing."

"She heard your song come on and man, she just lost it." Leslie turned and walked over towards the railing of the deck, keeping her eye on Jana. "She didn't get the gig she auditioned for. That's what started it and then she heard that song once she was well on her way and I just pulled her out. The dj was actually trying to be nice."

"She told me she didn't get the gig," Kevin said. "I talked to her before she went out. That's pretty much why I decided to head out of here and go there. She sounded like she might need some cheering up or something."

"Well, you'd be the one to do that," Leslie said. "She's mushy when she's drunk, but she does let you know how she feels. She misses you a lot."

"Yeah, well, I miss her too," he admitted. "I'll give you a call when my flight lands to give you an idea when to expect me. Do me a favor though? Don't tell her I'm coming. I'd kind of like to surprise her."

"Not a word," she said. "I'm going to attempt to get her home now. Sorry about calling you so late. I just…"

"Not a problem, Leslie," he said. "I'm glad you did. See you tomorrow."

~

The last thing Jana expected was a house full of people when she walked in the door from teaching her last aerobic class. Leslie was standing in the kitchen at the stove, talking and three of her friends were in the living room setting the table. Leslie looked over hearing the door and grinned broadly, cutting into her conversation to look over her shoulder and lifted an eyebrow.

As Jana dropped her workout bag by the door, she could see Kevin's head peek into view as he sat at the small kitchen table and smiled to her warmly. She didn't waste any time and sprinted over to him, jumping into his arms with a squeal of delight and a kiss, not even hearing the rest of her friends giggle and coo at them playfully.

"What are you doing here?" she asked excitedly as he set her down to her feet with a quick kiss. "How long are you staying?"

"A few days if you're up to it," he said, slipping a strand of her hair behind her ear gently.

She grabbed his hand and started heading out of the kitchen. "Ah, no!" Leslie called after them. "We're eating in like fifteen minutes."

"I just want to go change," Jana said. "And he's coming with me! So there!" She stuck her tongue out at Leslie and continued pulling Kevin down the hall to her room. "What are you doing here?"

Kevin sat at the foot of her bed and pulled her to sit on his lap, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I just couldn't go back to LA without seeing you before I went, that's all." He kissed the tip of her nose quickly and smiled. "Apparently, someone was having a bad day yesterday?"

Jana dropped her head to his shoulder and giggled. "Yeah, a bit," she admitted. "I keep trying to not have you in my thoughts every second of the day, but it's not easy. And then we all go out and they're all with their boyfriends or picking up or something and I just feel…lost because I have you but you're not with me. I get a bit pissy about it." Jana nodded with a smile. "Greg's offered to be my surrogate boyfriend when we're out so I don't feel left out. He likes having both Leslie and me on his arm when we go out."

"I don't hear changing in there!" Leslie called down the hallway.

"How the hell do you hear changing?" Jana laughed in return.

"I wanna hear some drawers opening! Closet doors! Something…I don't hear anything."

Jana stood up and opened and closed a drawer. "Happy?"

"Don't patronize me, young lady! I need you out here to serve drinks." Leslie called cheerfully. "You can ravish your man after our company leaves."

Jana turned and widened her eyes at Kevin. "Oh, I get to ravish you even?"

"Not if I ravish you first," he said, standing up close beside her, running his hands over her shoulders before kissing her warmly. "I'll go serve the drinks." He kissed her again quickly and started out of the room, looking back at her with a gentle smile. "I missed you, you know." He tapped the doorframe lightly and disappeared down the hall. "Okay, drinks…what can I get y'all?"

~

They stood in the corner of the living room, inches apart. Kevin's head was lowered slightly and his hand was lifted, his fingers playing Jana's hand as they talked quietly. No one else existed in the room to them.

"You'd think you haven't seen each other in a year," Leslie commented to the rest of the room as she came out of the kitchen. "It's barely been more than a week!"

"We're being rude," Jana said to Kevin with a giggle.

"Yeah, we are," he agreed, finally lacing his fingers with hers and tugging her hand gently to go join the rest of the room.

"I think it's cute," Cyndi said, leaning against Bruce as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "It's still new. Give them a year and they won't be so mushy."

"You wanna bet?" Kevin said with a smile, looking to them.

"Dude, don't," Bruce teased with a shake of his head. "You'll make the rest of us look bad."

"Uh, Bruce?" Leslie interjected, sitting on the other end of the couch next to Greg, "hate to break it to you, but he already does that without trying," she snickered.

Bruce crinkled his face in mockery at Leslie and kissed Cyndi's forehead. "She loves me, that's all that matters, right, babe?"

"Sure, baby," Cyndi said with a nod, winking to Leslie and Jana.

"So…you're on a break or something Jana was saying?" Greg asked, resting back on the arm of the couch next to Leslie. "Does this mean I don't get to be your protector when we go out this week?"

"Not this week," Jana said, snuggling closer to Kevin, trying to convince herself he really did just show up to be with her. He really was sitting next to her and caressing her shoulder easily, like they were a real couple. Like they have been together for years and could be so at ease with each other. She was still somewhat used to having to keep her distance when there were other people around. It felt almost strange to be able to cuddle with him in front of people she knew and not fear cameras or gossip.

"We head out to Japan in about two weeks to finish off the tour completely," Kevin said with a casual nod. "Then we're off for the holidays and most likely heading back to the studio in February or so. At least, that's the plan now. We haven't actually had to deal with the reality of it all yet," he chuckled.

"Is reality that much different?" Cyndi asked curiously.

"Five guys with their own agendas," Kevin nodded slowly, "yeah, it can be a bit of a struggle getting everything to come together."

"You've managed in the past," Leslie said.

"We manage it, but someone needs to really push and take the initiative to get it all started. Once the call goes out though, it usually falls into place."

"Let me guess, you're the one that pushes?" Jana teased, poking his thigh.

Kevin tilted his head. "Brian, Howie and I usually figure it out. It's not just me. The push is getting AJ and Nick back from their gallivanting. This time's gonna be especially hard now that Nick's off being Rachel's groupie."

"He's with that chick from Sudden Silence, right?" Bruce asked. "I could be her groupie too. Damn, she's a babe," Bruce exclaimed with a smile.

"She's great," Kevin agreed. "Nice girl."

"Even if it pains him to say so," Jana teased.

"Doesn't pain me to say it," he argued lightly. "It pains me that she's with Nick because there's no way he's gonna be able to handle her."

"And here we go again," Jana giggled. "How many girls has Nick been able to handle?"

"Well, not many, but…" Kevin admitted. "But this one is just out of his league."

"Maybe he'll grow into her league. She doesn't seem like she's just passing time with him either, you know."

"Mark my words, he's an ass more often than not," Kevin said knowingly. "He doesn't even mean to be, he just is and it's gonna bite him in the ass at some point."

"Doesn't it always?" Bruce asked. "We're all asses at some point, especially when you're in love."

"You're out numbered," Jana told Kevin. "I hope they do make it work. They're just too damn cute together."

"So, are we heading over to the Dodger? I think the rest of the group were heading over there around ten," Bruce said.

"I think I'm going to hang out here," Jana said, leaning her head up to kiss Kevin quickly.

"No shit," Cyndi teased with a smile. "The rest of us that have had sex on a regular basis, however, will go out."

"Sex?" Greg asked, wrinkling his forehead. "What's sex?"

"Beat's me," Kevin tossed in with a shrug.

"Know those moves you do on stage?" Leslie asked, leaning forward as Kevin nodded. "You do those moves, naked, with another person." She nodded as the rest of the room laughed.

"Baby! I'm gettin' a lap dance!" Jana exclaimed cheerfully.

~

"Well," Jana said as she finished cleaning up the kitchen after everyone else left, "they liked you."

"Don't they like people? They seemed pretty laid back," he said, draping the tea towel through the handle of the refrigerator.

"Well, they didn't like my last boyfriend much," she said with a shrug.

"Well, that's because he was an idiot, right?" he asked, coming behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Who says you're not?" she giggled, leaning back against him.

"Your friends like me," he snickered wisely, nuzzling into her bend of her neck. "And they left us alone so we could catch up."

"Catch up?" she mused. "Is that what you call it these days?" She turned in his arms and wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning in for a kiss. "I thought it was still called sex."

He laughed lightly, sliding his hand into hers easily and walked into the living room, settling down on the couch and pulling her next to him. "How was the hangover this morning?" he asked, smoothing his hand along the side of her head.

"Miserable," she admitted, dropping her forehead against his chest. "I'm so sorry for that last night. I'm a pathetic drunk."

"Aren't we all?" he asked lightly, wrapping his arms around her waist. "How was the rest of your day anyway? Feeling a bit better?"

"Now I am," she said, pulling back to smile up at him. "I am so glad you're here."

"Me too," he said. "It's the most comfortable I've been in a week."

"That good at home, huh?" she asked, lowering her head to his chest with a sigh. "Can't wait for Christmas when I get to face my family."

"Well, Tim was good with it all. Seems to understand. Mom's having a hard time figuring it all out and well, Jerry is impossible. I just can't worry about his morals and do what he wants. He gave up and we decided not to discuss it after I went storming out in the middle of a fight."

"I'm sorry," she said with a sigh, gently sliding a hand along his forearm.

"Why? You didn't do anything. He's a butthead when he wants to be," he told her. "Tim tried to convince me that he was just being a big brother, but I'm still hanging on to the butthead."

"He usually was, wasn't he?" she asked with a giggle.

"Some things don't change, I guess," he said.

"Sometimes that's not a bad thing," she said lifting her head to look at him. She reached up to slide a finger along his cheek, down to his jaw. "Sometimes, it gets better with age."

"Sometimes," he said with a smile, leaning forward to kiss her quickly. "So, what's next for you?"

"Next?"

"Auditions? Anything planned?"

"Not right now," she said and he watched her eyes dim slightly. "I need to work on my steps, I think and just…get down to work again. I did hear from Fatima, though and she's offered to write something brilliant to add to my portfolio in regards to me leaving the tour. That might help a bit, I think. You know, I don't suck as a dancer."

"Well, you don't."

"No, but it doesn't look like that when they ask me why I left the tour. Falling in love and being hounded by reporters isn't something that intrigues many people when they're trying to promote their product. You don't want the spotlight stolen by some back-up dancer."

"It'll blow over. They're not bothering much anymore."

"We've not been together either," she said knowingly. "Put us in public again and see what happens."

"It won't be that big," he said confidently.

"I'm not that confident," she said. "I'd like to be, but my career is on the line. And by the looks of things, it's slowly going down the drain."

"Jana," he started softly.

She shrugged lightly and put her head back down. "Kevin, I've been turned down before, it's not the first time and it's not the last time and I'll get through it. I can just handle it better when they're judging my dancing and not my tabloid appearances. I just have to get used to them seeing more than my abilities now. It happens right?"

"They will see your abilities, Jana," he said firmly. "Anyone really looking for talent will see it. It's the business."

"Thank you, Mr. Made-It," she teased, lifting her head back up to grin at him. "Some of us just take a bit longer to figure it out."

"Oh, I didn't mean it like that," he argued, scowling at her.

"I know," she said easily. "I just get to points like this and wonder how anyone ever managed to get through all the bullshit to make it all happen for them. I got there. I'll get there again. Next time, though, I'm not going to fall in love with my high school sweetheart all over again."

"Well, that's a good thing," he said, wrapping his arms around her more tightly. "I don't think I'd be able to let you go."

"Good thing I only have one high school sweetheart then, eh?"

~

"Shit," Kevin mumbled, "what the hell time is it?"

Jana leaned over him and turned the alarm off. She brushed the hair away before gently kissing his forehead. "5:30. Go back to sleep," she whispered before slipping out of bed.

Kevin rolled over and reached out in time to brush her arm lazily. "What are you doing?"

She sat back down on the mattress and leaned over, kissing his cheek tenderly. "Going to work. I'm teaching a class in half an hour. Go back to sleep, baby," she told him, brushing his hair back again. He hadn't even managed to open his eyes.

"Freakish," he muttered, rolling onto his stomach and stretching out across the mattress.

"Careful," she giggled, "I could force you to come with me." His only response was a combination of a groan and whimper. "Sleep, baby." He nodded against the mattress and she knew he was back to sleep seconds later.

She stretched a hand out and gently ran her fingers down his spine. Years ago he had been working at the camp, working without a shirt and she remembered giggling at seeing him. She thought he was so tan and so defined back then. But now, just looking at him stretched out in her bed she giggled at how wrong she had been. Somehow, he had grown into a physique she never imagined he could have. Each muscle was defined, his shoulders broadened to make his waist seem smaller. Nothing could ever have made her think he'd look like this. Nothing.

Nothing could have ever made her think he'd be sprawled out in her bed, either. Sprawled out in her bed after hours of touching and pleasing and slowly making love. She hated that term. It always sounded like a B-movie romantic scene, but there really was no other way to describe last night. He was so slow and so gentle there were no other words for what they shared.

When everything felt like a disaster and heading in the wrong direction, he appeared to show her it wasn't. She wasn't even sure how he did it, but he did. He could take her in his arms, kiss the top of her head and she would suddenly know whatever it was between them was right. She tried to convince herself it was right when he wasn't around, but nights like the one in the bar seemed to creep up regardless of what she did. The physical aching in the pit of her stomach from the desire to be near him was the worst. It wasn't something she imagined. It couldn't be. There had to be some reason there was a term called 'heartache' in the first place, right? Why him? Out of everyone she had been with, been in love with? Why did she only feel this about him?

~

Dido blasted over the speakers as she led her class through it's cooling down, realizing just how bad a choice of songs this was for the day.

I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me…

And she needed to keep breathing. Funny how she never noticed how well these lyrics fit her. 'Inhale, Jana…work them through the rest…concentrate….'

I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until you're resting here with me/I don't want to call my friends, they might wake me from this dream/and I can't leave this bed…

He was still in her bed. She was in a gym, watching a bunch of young, urban professionals attempt to be hip and work out. None of them were seriously in here for the exercise aspect, were they? They just wanted to say to a co-worker they were there -- impress someone. Meanwhile he slept in her bed. Naked - in her bed.

'Breathe, Jana…he's not leaving. They're almost gone. You can breathe without him. You've done it for the last twelve years without him, remember?'

Then why does it feel like it's only until recently she's been able to fill her lungs? Why is it only until recently that she's felt that spark of life within her? Found ambition easier? Felt her heart skip a beat when her phone rang? Watched MTV more avidly hoping for a glimpse of him? Sat at the breakfast table each morning scribbling his name on the tabletop with her finger? What was she doing before he loved her? Was that just breathing? What was she doing now aside from inhaling him every moment? How far gone was she and how much was this going to hurt?

'Breathe, Jana…. Just breathe….'

~

Kevin was sitting at the kitchen table with the cell phone up to his ear, laughing when she came in later that morning. Her classes seemed to go on without a hitch, but she couldn't begin to tell anyone what she did. Her entire concentration had been shot after hearing one silly song. She had tried to stay focused, but when she saw Kevin she knew precisely why her concentration was lacking. All she wanted to do was be here with him, watch him, touch him…

"No, I know it made no sense, ya little punk ass," he was saying. "I told you, I wasn't coherent enough to be making sense. Tim got me drunk. Jerry called me that and I suddenly knew what it felt like to be you. I meant well!" he laughed.

Jana went to stand behind him and nuzzled against his neck in a kiss as her arms slid down the front of his chest. She needed to touch him right then and didn't care who he was talking to. She wasn't sure which was worse…not having him near or knowing how easy it was to be with him.

"Ah, Nick, Jana's back, I'm gonna have to call you back," he said easily. "Stay out of trouble…I know I always tell you that, but you haven't really paid attention to it yet, have you?" he teased. "Okay, tell Rachel to keep you out of trouble then. I trust her." He laughed again. "Right, bro, talk to you later. Bye."

He clicked the phone off and put it down on the table. He pushed the chair back slightly and Jana came around to sit on his lap, kissing him deeply. "I hate you sometimes," she whispered, kissing down his neck.

"What'd I do?" he asked with surprise, lifting his chin up.

"Made me think of you all friggin' morning," she answered between kisses. "My classes had no idea what came over me. Pelvic thrust here, pelvic trust there… And all the while I know you're laying in my bed, naked. Evil, evil man."

"So, I should start sleeping in something?" he laughed.

"No, we need to stop working so we can stay in bed, naked, together for the rest of our lives," she said, kissing his chest.

"Mmm," he moaned as her hands slid along his torso, "I like that idea. Not very productive, but I like the idea a lot."

"Fuck being productive," she said, moving off his lap and taking his hand with a tug. "Come back to bed with me. I have two hours before my next class."

"Oh, can I go to that one?" he laughed, walking behind her as she led him back down the hallway.

"No," she answered. "It's bad enough you're breaking all my concentration just being here. Forget about being in the room where I'm not able to touch you." She sat down on the bed, pulling him down as she laid back on the mattress. "Dear, God, Kevin, what's happened?" She kissed him deeply, pulling him closer. "What the hell's happened?"

I can't breathe until you're resting here with me….

~

She listened to Kevin's heart beating in her ear as she rested her head on his chest. She didn't want to move away from him, realizing none of her actions were making sense, even to herself. Something in the back of her head wanted to cry, but she couldn't figure out why. She couldn't figure out why, suddenly, she was scared of him leaving, even moving an inch from her. She didn't cling. She never clung, but right now, it's all she wanted to do. She wanted to be certain he was next to her, in her, near her.

"What's come over you?" he asked lightly, smoothing a hand through her hair softly.

"I don't know," she whispered, closing her eyes tightly. "I promise I'll stop clinging soon."

"It's okay," he said softly, wrapping his arms around her more tightly. "I'm just not used to it."

"I'm not used to being able to," she said, opening her eyes. "Every other time we were together, it seems like we were always worried about someone seeing us. Even after Kristin told the world, we still kept our distance." She lifted her head up and looked at him, watching him for a long moment. "We don't have to hide here. And I guess, some part of me knows we'll have to hide again sometime soon."

He shook his head slowly, sliding a strand of her hair behind her ear. "No we won't. Sometime soon, it won't matter."

She put her head back down with a deep breath. "Not soon enough," she said softly. "I feel like I've been waiting all my life to have this, Kevin. I can't figure out why I've never felt like this with anyone else or why you make me feel like this. I just want to hurry up and get over all this mess and have you rightfully mine. Guilt free. I don't think about anything when you're with me. When we're off doing what we have to do, I lose this. I lose how easy it is with you and I don't want to lose this again. It hurts and I lose my concentration and it's like… I can't breathe."

"Sure that's not just a panic attack?" he asked, attempting to tease her, but she didn't respond. He couldn't see her face, but he could feel the seriousness settling around her. "Darlin' we're doing the best we can."

"I know," she sighed against him.

"It's not always going to be so hard," he promised, running a hand down the soft skin of her bare back. "We're going to make this work. I don't care what anyone says, or who might be against it or what anyone says. We're making it happen as quickly as we can."

"As quickly as Kristin allows it, you mean," she said, biting her bottom lip immediately, cringing at the words she just said. He exhaled deeply and she could feel his hand pause against her spine. "I'm sorry. That's not fair. I didn't mean that." She lifted her head to look at him apologetically. "Really, I didn't mean that."

"I'm frustrated by it too, Jana," he said, looking directly at her. "But it has to be done right so it doesn't fuck us up later on."

"I know," she agreed, biting her bottom lip. "I can't help but worry that she's going to change your mind somehow."

"She can't change my mind, Jana," he told her with a shake of his head. "I just spent the last week listening to people try to change my mind and no one had a good enough argument to make me want to stay with her. You're it. Believe that, okay? I miss you just as much when we're apart."

"You do?" she asked, crinkling her forehead.

He sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. "Jana, what do you think? That I don't think of you when you're not with me? I do. We just have to do what we have to do until we can do it together. How many ways can I tell you that I love you?"

Jana lifted her head and looked at him with a pout. "Hey, I think I've been pretty damn understanding so far. Can I please be allowed to have one breakdown before I need to be strong and silent again? It's been a pretty crappy week. Let me get it out of my system."

He placed his hands on either side of her face gently and lifted his head up to kiss her gently. "It's going to get easier, darlin'," he said softly with a distinct nod. "We just have to hang on to that, okay?"

Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 11
Page 44 | Page 45  |  Page 46 

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Read the companion story:
Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

c. 2001, 2002 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.