Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 12
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He had told her it was going to get easier, right? As he dropped his head against the fuselage to stare out the window of the plane, Kevin sighed and watched as Long Island drifted out of sight below him. Somewhere down there, Jana was heading to the studio to work on the dance steps they had gone over just yesterday. She had worn blue bike shorts and a white half-top, and he'd watched each move she made in the wall mirror, helping her get the steps down to her new routine.

Somewhere in that rehearsal they'd broken from the grueling steps, and he'd ended up slow dancing with her in his arms, her head resting against his chest. Now…the only thing resting against his chest was a book he wasn't interested in and feelings of dread of what he would have to deal with once he landed at LAX. Yesterday had been so much easier - not thinking about the rest of their lives or their plans or what had to be done. Everything had just felt right in the studio, playing with the stereo and dancing without really having to worry about the right steps or the right timing. When he'd grown tired, he'd rested on the polished floor as Jana had pushed herself just a little harder each time, and she'd looked over and doubled over into giggles just because. He didn't think he'd helped in any way being there and taking up her rehearsal time, but it hadn't mattered to either of them. They had been together and allowed to goof-off and play without corrections or interruptions.

One day it would be like that again, he promised himself, watching the clouds cover the tail end of the island below. Right now, however, it wasn't, and reality had been postponed long enough. He wasn't happy he had avoided the situation as long as he had, but somewhere between Kentucky and New York, he managed to come to some resolve about what needed to be done. Lawyers needed to be contacted, apartments needed to be found, and whatever life he had in the house he shared with Kristin needed to be sorted and packed up. It was just facing Kristin that made him leery of it all.

The last time he'd seen her, she'd had tears in her eyes, and they'd both realized it was over. What if Tim was right? What if, due to his own lack of self-control, she'd spent the last two weeks convincing herself it wasn't actually over? He hadn't called to check on her, and she hadn't called to see where he was. He couldn't imagine what he would face once he walked through the door. Just imagining it was difficult enough, and in spite of wanting it dealt with, he didn't want to actually face dealing with it. It was what had kept him from going home in the first place. Saying the right thing was a lot easier than doing it and now he needed to put his words into action.

Kevin Richardson, the mature Backstreet Boy, he scoffed to himself. Maturity was highly over-rated.

~

Much to his relief, the house was empty when he arrived. At least he'd be able to wind down, shower and make a few phone calls before having to see Kristin and figure out where everything stood. He had already made a few preliminary calls to the lawyer one of his associates had recommended. Of course, the first thing Mr. Sylvain had said was to not been seen in public with Jana, keep a low profile, and other pointers that had immediately made his heart sink, although he'd already known he would be advised of that.

"Oh, good, you're home," Kristin said, walking in the side door with grocery bags. "Did you have a good flight?"

He looked across the living room towards the kitchen-dining room area and tried not to appear too surprised by her calmness at seeing him. All she did was smile at him as she disappeared behind the wall into the kitchen. "Yeah, fine," he called to her, unsure if he should stand up and greet her or stay where he was. "Is there more?"

She peeked around the corner at him. "Oh, you mean more bags? Yeah."

He stood up and headed towards the car to get the rest. Routine. It always came back so easily with Kristin. Mindless, mechanical, habitual… He stopped, closing the back of the trunk, looked toward the house and back at the bags in his hand as the realization hit him: he'd married Kristin in exactly the same fashion as he'd jumped up to get the groceries just now. It was what was expected. It was proper. It was good manners - but it never had been a labor of love. Walking back inside, he chastised himself privately. 'She is not a bag of potatoes, you fuck.'

Kristin continued putting away the groceries she'd brought in. "So, did you have a good flight?"

He set the rest of the bags onto the counter and shrugged as he began to unload one of them. "It was okay," he answered quietly. "How's things been going here?"

"Fine," she answered easily. "I've been doing some work for a commercial," she told him brightly. "That's been fun."

He smiled at her. "Good," he said enthusiastically. "Which one?"

"Miller beer, believe it or not. I'm officially a beer chick," she laughed.

"Hot babe," he teased. Rhetoric…mindless, routine. Even their banter was mechanical. When had it become mechanical? When had it become something he didn't need to think about? When had it become something he didn't want to have? He used to crave the ease of their conversations, the way he didn't have to impress or think when he talked to her. During the times they'd been apart, he'd compared so many other women…girls, really…to her. When had he started holding Kristin up to someone else's standard?

"Kev?" Kristin said, looking at him.

"Huh?" he asked, blinking at her as he realized he hadn't paid attention to what she was saying.

"Did you want to eat out tonight, or should I just…"

"Yeah, uh, I have other plans," he said with a shake of his head. "Sorry."

She shrugged and opened the refrigerator. "Well, I wasn't really expecting you today, so I hadn't planned…" She let the sentence drop, keeping her back to him as she arranged items inside and shut the door. He heard her sigh, and didn't know what more to say to her. "You're meeting your lawyer, right?" she continued, still not looking at him as she knelt to open a cabinet.

"Yeah," he admitted, watching her slowly nod and hold onto the cabinet door.

"Well, then," she said with a tilt of head as she stood, "I'll stick with my original plan and have lasagna." She turned and forced a smile. "You staying in the spare room?"

"I thought that might be best…or, I could get a hotel room," he offered.

"I'll put some sheets out for you," she said quickly, walking past him.

He reached to grab her arm, but she pulled away from him. "I can do that, Kris."

"Let a girl leave the room to cry in peace," she said, taking another step.

"I don't…look, I'll just go to a hotel. It's going to be too weird for me to stay here."

"Go see your lawyer, Kevin," she said, heading further towards the living room. "It's not like I didn't expect this after Jerry's call."

"Jerry's called?" Kevin questioned. "Why did Jerry call?"

She turned to look at him and put her hands on her hips. "Well, unlike everyone else it seems, Jerry still thinks enough of me to let me know not to expect you last week and to tell me he at least tried to talk to you about this whole thing. It was comforting to have one person on my side."

"What's that supposed to mean? One person on your side? No one is taking sides, Kristin."

"No?" she scoffed. "What world are you living in? Everyone is taking sides, Kevin. People who went to our wedding and congratulated us are taking sides! It's what happens! And it seems like everyone is more than happy for you, and somehow I went from Cinderella to the Evil Witch!"

"Who the hell have you been talking to, Kristin?" he asked angrily, taking a few steps into the living room behind her.

"Oh, please, Kevin! Open your eyes! I don't have to talk to anyone! You're the celebrity, aren't you? Suddenly you're unhappy, and I'm the cause of it. Who do you think people are going to blame?"

"Suddenly?" he scoffed, blinking at her in shock. "What's this suddenly shit?"

"Somehow, Kevin, you suddenly went from announcing how much you wanted a 'Little Kev' around to having an affair in six months!"

"Hang on," he interjected, pointing to her, "six months? Six months?"

"Whatever!" She waved a hand at him.

"Kristin! Where the hell have you been? What do you think I've been trying to do for the past two years?"

"You," she said pointedly with a shake of her head. "It's always about you, Kevin, isn't it? Jerry said as much. It's what Kevin wants. Well, how about what I want on occasion? I did one thing…one thing that I wanted, and I've heard nothing else about it for the last two goddamn years!"

"What you wanted?" he yelled incredulously, full of shock. "One thing that you wanted? My friggin' life, Kristin? You call that fair?"

"Do you call it fair, the way you dragged your feet? Do you call it fair, the way you went away and came back over and over? Breaking up and making up? All the hemming and hawing and excuses…career and touring and the fellas and Lou and your family…it was excuse after excuse after excuse! What the hell was so wrong with me making myself a priority, considering you were always making you the priority?"

"It was my life!" he bellowed with an aimless lift of his hand. "It wasn't making you a priority, it was a goddamn life sentence, Kristin!"

"You didn't seem to mind when you were allowed to come and go as you goddamn well pleased!" she argued, pointing at him furiously. "Suddenly poor Kevy couldn't go do whatever he wanted and had to respect the person he'd been screwing over for eight years, and it's all Kevy's misfortune? That's such bullshit!"

"You were free to say no, Kristin! You were free to walk away and tell me to fuck off at any given time! How does fucking marrying the person who dissed you for eight years give you respect? What the fuck, Kristin? Lying about having a goddamn baby and tricking me into marriage makes no goddamn sense!"

"Well, maybe I wasn't lying!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" he barked.

"You heard me," she said snidely with a shake of her head. "Maybe I wasn't lying at first! Maybe I lost the baby and wanted to spare you!"

He stepped back slightly and furrowed his eyebrows at her. "Is that true, Kristin?"

"What? Does it make a difference?" she asked. "Would it change your mind?"

"Kris," he said more firmly, "is that true? Did you lose the baby?"

"Oh, and you're so concerned suddenly, aren't you?" she asked antagonistically. "And I ask again, would it have made any difference in what you're doing now?"

"I don't know!" he yelled, raising both his hands up. "Is it true?"

"No! Okay?" she screamed. "It's not true, but you never even considered the possibility, did you? You didn't even let that thought cross your mind once, did you?"

"You're the one that told me you lied! Why would I question it? Damn it, Kristin! Why does this have to be so damn hard to understand?"

"It doesn't," she sneered. "But that doesn't mean that I get to lie back and let my life slip out of my hands without some kind of a fight, Kevin! Why can't you understand what I did? Why can't you understand that I did what I did because I didn't want to lose you and that I love you? And I still have to sit back and watch you do exactly what you want to do without even considering how I feel about it? You've never considered how I feel!"

"That's not true and you know it!"

"Than why is all this happening, damn it?" she asked angrily. "Why don't I get a say? Why have you suddenly decided it's over and I don't have a chance to make things better? Is it really so awful being married to me? I don't restrict you in any way! I don't whine when you have to work. I don't whine when you have to tour for months on end. I don't whine when we have to go to all the charity events. I let you do anything you want! What else, Kevin? What else do you want me to do? What else have I done wrong other than want you to marry me?"

Kevin shook his head in disbelief and turned away from her with a smirk. "You know what?" he said, turning back around. "Let's make it about me. I'll be the bad guy. I'm the one having an affair. You're the fairy princess again," he bowed in true Disney character fashion. "You've done nothing wrong, okay? I'm the bad guy, Kristin. I want to make my own choices as to who I spend the rest of my life with and raise a family with. Selfish of me, sure, but that's just the way it is."

"Don't mock me, Kevin!" she yelled angrily. "I'm just trying to figure out…"

"I've told you! I've told you and told you and told you! Where's the baby we were going to start trying for after we were married, Kristin? The family you wanted with me? The life we were supposed to have together? You come and go with just as much ease as I do. We don't do anything together unless there's press or charity involved! If we were the match made in heaven, why the hell didn't we get married ten years ago? Eight years ago? Five years ago? And don't tell me it was all my fault because you are just as guilty." He pointed to her with a tilt of his head and placed his weight on one foot. "Your career seems to be the excuse for not having a family. Your career - not mine." He pointed to himself. "I've told you I'd make arrangements should it happen. That I would be here. But that's not enough for you either. You want something more that I'm not giving you either. Let's just stop torturing each other and let this whole thing go! It was a mistake from the start, Kristin! It was always a mistake and you know it just as much as I do!"

He watched her stare at him, unable to read the expression on her face. It was somewhere between anger and pain, disbelief and hurt. Slowly, she started shaking her head, and he watched the tears form in her eyes as she bit her bottom lip and folded her arms across her stomach. "It didn't have to be," she said quietly. "We were together for eight years for a reason, Kevin. We kept coming back to each other for a reason. It still exists if we want to bother finding it."

He shook his head, exhaling deeply and lowered his eyes to the pale carpeting under his feet. "I don't anymore," he said with a lift of his shoulders before looking back up to her. "I just don't."

She turned her head away, still biting her lower lip and he watched her shoulders with a heavy breath. "I'll go find those sheets," she said and hurried away.

~

One thing Kevin had figured out about LA early in his career is that no one ever looks like they're doing anything. He'd decided that most celebrities look like they live the life of leisure because they are never seen in office buildings. Being a celebrity meant even your business had to be under the pretense of a social occasion - either because there was never time to do things during regular business hours or because this way there was less gossip. Take now, for instance. To those around him, it looked as if Kevin were meeting a friend for dinner instead of meeting with a lawyer to discuss how to proceed with getting rid of his wife. Because, now, that was how he felt about it. She had not helped forge any sympathy with their argument. All he wanted to do was end it and end it now. Forget trying to be nice. Forget trying to be sympathetic. Forget all of it. He just wanted to be done.

"That's not the attitude you want to have, Kevin," Mr. Sylvain advised over a drink at the bar. "If you thought planning a tour was stressful, you've not seen anything yet, sad to say. Pace yourself, take some deep breaths and try not to become an alcoholic in the meantime."

Kevin looked over the rim of his glass. "Is that an attempt at black humor?"

Mr. Sylvain looked at him, crinkling his forehead until he realized what he'd said. "Oh…oh! Sorry…"

"Yeah," Kevin sighed and took a sip of his drink. "Where do we start then?"

~

Howie walked up behind Kevin and patted his shoulder with a smile. "Well, this makes three of us," he said as they headed towards the rehearsal studio. "Now all we need to do is see if Brian's plane is on time and whether or not Nicky's run off to be Rachel's love slave."

"I'll personally go find him and bring him back by his testicles," Kevin said with a look to Howie before cracking a smile. "Nah, never mind. Rachel's apparently already got him by those."

"Ah, to be young and in love," Howie sighed playfully, batting his eyes at Kevin.

"And have the number of a good lawyer," Kevin finished for him dryly, opening the door to the building and letting Howie walk in ahead of him. Howie looked over his shoulder with a lifted eyebrow and snickered. "Oh, just stop," Kevin chastised.

"I didn't say a word," Howie defended with a smile. "I just know that look."

"And that tone," AJ added, greeting them in the reception area. "Welcome home, Kev!"

"Knew there was a reason why I didn't come back sooner," Kevin said, wrapping his arms around AJ in a quick hug. "Get to see y'all and your ugly faces."

"You missed us, dawg," AJ said confidently, nudging Kevin's shoulder. "Over two whole weeks without having to nag anyone? I'm surprised you still have your hair." Kevin smirked at him and rolled his eyes. "How's things been going, man? For real?" he asked more seriously as they all walked down the hallway to their studio.

"Ah, it was going great up until about two days ago when I went back to the house," he told them. "Now, I'm just trying to get through the week and get Jana to go to Japan with me."

"She's not going?" Howie asked in surprise.

"She's not sure, you know," he said with a light shrug. "She's trying to get some auditions lined up and all, which, you know, is cool."

The door pushed open, and Nick bounded through with a wide grin, spreading his arms out, and looked around. "Hey dawg!" he called cheerfully, dropping his knapsack down and walking over to the rest. AJ looked to the door with lifted eyebrows in expectation. "What're you looking for?"

"Your keeper," AJ answered, still searching the doorway. "She's a helluva lot easier on the eyes than you are, dude." He laughed and nudged his shoulder into Nick's.

"She'll be around later," Nick grumbled teasingly, nudging AJ back and reaching out to nudge Kevin's stomach. "How about you, Kevy-Kev? You here on your own?"

"Are they invisible, little man?" Kevin pointed to AJ and Howie and lifted a calm eyebrow.

Nick pointed to him and stepped back. "I have a recording that says you weren't gonna say that ever again!"

"Yeah, right," Kevin laughed skeptically.

"Yeah, right!" AJ and Howie chimed in.

"Can we get this started people?" Fatima burst into the room in her usual grandeur, bringing electricity and anticipation with her. "How much work do we have to do now that you've been allowed to think about something other than sleep, sing, dance, repeat?"

~

Kevin wiped the corner of a towel across his forehead, saying good-bye to Nick and AJ as they headed out. He leaned over to keep stretching a bit longer and raised up to find Fatima standing behind him with her arms folded. "Hey," he said to her in the mirror, "what's up?"

"How's Jana doing?" she asked, walking around to lean against the mirror in front of him. "She found anything yet?"

Kevin wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "Not yet. She was turned down for one gig last week, and we were in the studio working on some new steps for her audition routine last week. Have you forgiven her yet? Me?"

"Forgiven?" she asked in surprise, lifting her head back slightly.

Kevin stood to lean his shoulder against the mirror and face her. "For her having to leave the tour."

"Oh, that?" Fatima scoffed. "Yeah, I was pissed. I admit it, but that's only because I lost one of my best dancers. It's not like I can blame either of you for what happened." She touched Kevin's arm gently. "I've known her for a long time, Kevin. I've known you for a long time and I..." She hesitated for a moment with a slight smile. "I sort of had a feeling something like this might happen. I mean, I didn't think this would happen, but I figured there would be some kind of spark. I love the two of you to pieces, you know."

Kevin tilted his head and grinned shyly. "Yeah, I kinda knew."

"You're happier with her, Kevin," Fatima told him sincerely with another slow nod. "She makes you happier." She lifted her palms up and shrugged. "I don't wanna know how she does it, mind you…but I can see a difference."

Kevin smiled and leaned closer to speak confidentially. "All she has to do is smile," he told her and winked, pulling back with a lift of his shoulder. "That's all."

"Last of the great romantics, right here," she said with an amused shake of her head, leaning closer to kiss his cheek. "I like seeing you happy, Kevin. Those pretty green eyes of yours just light right up when you're happy." She touched a finger to the outer edge of his eye gently before tapping his chin.

~

"I don't talk to you for a few months, and look what happens, dude! What the hell are you doing?"

Kevin laughed, reclining back in his seat and closed his eyes in relaxation. "Jimmy, man, you know what happens when I'm left to my own devices."

"So, what I'm reading isn't just tabloid page-filler?" he asked, his voice turning slightly more serious. "You're really back with Jana Williams? Is she still as hot as she was in high school?"

"Hotter," Kevin said with a nod even though Jimmy couldn't see him through the cell phone. "She's grown up, man. Got better with age."

"Hopefully we all have," Jimmy laughed.

"Nah, you're still an ugly fuck, but the rest of us…" Kevin laughed teasingly.

"Thanks, man! I can always count on you!" Jimmy groaned in return. "But, really…this is all true?"

"Well…depends what you're reading," Kevin said, shifting slightly in the chair. "I've been talking to my lawyers, getting divorce papers in order, and yeah, I'm seeing Jana. It's like it never ended with her, Jimmy."

"You're divorcing Kristin?" Jimmy's voice was filled with shock. "How's she taking it?"

Kevin hesitated a moment and sighed. "Not well."

"No doubt! Man, Kev! How…what the hell happened? What're you doing?"

"Leaving for Japan tomorrow," he answered casually. "Then…working on finalizing all this crap and…who knows? Seeing what happens."

"You're leaving Kris?" Jimmy asked again rhetorically. Kevin could imagine the stunned expression on his old friend's face. "I thought you were kind of…resolved to the issue. Making it work and all that."

"I thought so, too," Kevin answered. "But…things changed. And it's a mess right now," he said sadly. "It's a total mess, but it's gonna be worth it, Jimmy. I know it's gonna be worth the hassle."

"Shit," Jimmy exclaimed lightly, "you really are still hung up on her. I thought…I dunno… I was reading this crap and just laughing my ass off thinking someone was really bored at the Enquirer and just dishing up dirt. I had no idea, man!"

"Yeah well…I didn't either until I was in over my head," Kevin answered. "And it's been one hell of a fight so far. My family hates it. Kristin's a mess. The fellas are okay with it, though."

"Mikey mentioned something awhile ago after he visited you in New York. You know how seriously you take Mikey…but, man, Kev! Jana fucking Williams? I just read the name and had flashbacks! What's she doing? What's she been up to?"

"Dancing, actually," Kevin said. "Lives on Long Island, studied dancing in New York City, and she's been doing that since she graduated. She was hired to be a dancer on the tour… Imagine the flashbacks I had when I walked in and saw her. I'm telling ya, Jimmy, she didn't even have to turn around. I just friggin' knew…something was happening. Something changed, and if you held a gun to my head, I couldn't tell you what it was. She…I don't know. She was back in my life. That's got to mean something, doesn't it?"

"Well, if you want to go by fate and all that crap," Jimmy commented. "Sure it's not just another…fling, Kev? I mean, it's not like you haven't been in love with someone else before. You married Kristin, but there were enough side projects over the years… You're sure of this?"

"She's not some fling, Jimmy. If she was, it'd be over by now. I was wondering the same thing when it all started happening, but…no. It's the real thing again. I mean, come on, you remember her. How we were? It's no different, really…" He chuckled. "Well, except she's not afraid to have sex anymore."

"Oh, thank fucking God!" Jimmy laughed. "You were miserable about that little fact! I remember the whining well."

"Yeah, well, you had someone that was willing, man! You'd have bitched just as much as I did, and you know it!"

"Probably," Jimmy agreed. "Thing is, though, Kev, I didn't go back how many years later to get it again? I moved on. I thought you did, too!"

"Some things aren't worth leaving behind," Kevin said, his tone serious. "And some things are mistakes when you try to force yourself to move on. I'm learning that one the hard way."

"Poor thing," Jimmy teased. "Having to choose between a beautiful woman that loves you and…a beautiful woman that loves you! After picking over the…beautiful women that would give you anything you ask for to spend just one hour with you. I've seen your fans, man! I still think part of you is fucking insane for not taking part in them more than you did!"

"It gets old, Jimmy," Kevin laughed lightly with a shake of his head. "I told you that. Why can't you just believe me on that?"

"Because I'm one of those poor bastards that only have fantasies of women throwing themselves at my feet," Jimmy laughed teasingly. "And to make matters worse, one of my best friends has it happen to him so I get to sit back and watch! You suck, man!"

"Yeah, and you had a problem hanging out and picking up the ones I left behind too," Kevin said knowingly. "Gimme a break!"

"It's not the same! They were throwing themselves at you, and I just had to console their poor broken hearts, ya big loser!"

"Well, you consoled my poor broken heart when we moved to Florida, remember? You're good at it."

"God, yeah!" Jimmy said in realization. "Oh, shit, that's right! You were a complete loser when we moved. That was over Jana, wasn't it? Oh, man…it was!"

"It was," Kevin confirmed.

"Dang, Kev," Jimmy said softly.

As Kevin stood there, Jimmy's shocked response echoed through his awareness and brought it all back...

"Oh for Christ's sake, Kevin! Would you put that damn thing away already?" Jimmy stood in the middle of the room and rolled his eyes. "I thought we were making progress, man! It's been six months! You're too chicken-shit to call her. She hasn't called you, so obviously she's moved on. Let the fuck go! Goddamn!"

Kevin wasn't sure why, but whatever - something about his look or the way Jimmy was standing - or the fact that maybe he was right - he lost it. They ended up wrestling on the floor in the small living room of the apartment they shared. Furniture turned over, punches flew, curses and insults bellowed…and when it was done, Kevin sat with his back against the couch, staring at the floor as he admitted everything. Homesickness, missing Jana, almost turning around and going back…if only she would let him know she wanted him to.

Jimmy stared at him in complete disbelief, sitting across from him as he leaned against the wall, catching his breath. "She's moved on, Kev! What the hell? She's seventeen. You don't think that was anything really serious, do you?"

"Stop it," Kevin said, his eyes flashing in anger and warning as he glared at him. "You don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"Neither do you!" Jimmy exclaimed. "Geez, Kevin! You're in Florida! She's in high school!" Kevin dropped his head back, staring at the ceiling. "Okay, look…I'm not saying that she's not important, right? I'm not. I'm just saying…is she worth giving up the chances we have down here?" Kevin dropped his chin to look at Jimmy again and sighed in confusion. "You've been hiding away and depressed long enough, Kev. You haven't even given this a chance to work out. Give it a chance and see what happens. If it doesn't, then you can go back to Kentucky and see if Jana really is all that."

"She's all that, Jimmy," Kevin told Jimmy on the phone quietly.

Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 12
Page 47 | Page 48  |  Page 49 | Page 50 

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Read the companion story:
Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

c. 2001, 2002 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.