Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 12
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Jana headed directly to Kevin's room and knocked loudly, waiting a few minutes before knocking again. A minute later the door opened a crack, and Kevin peeked out with squinted eyes, blinking wider when he saw her. He opened the door and stepped aside to let her in, and she turned to face him. "Who's Em?" she demanded.

"Who's Em...what do you mean?" he asked in confusion.

"Tell me about Em," she said, folding her arms. "A crush is one thing, but why didn't you ever tell me you had a thing for her?"

He put a hand on top of his head and winced slightly, closing his eyes to figure out what she was asking. "Because I…um...I don't know, Jana." He dropped his hand back down and shrugged. "It's not a 'thing' really, it's just…she's…Em."

"That's not an explanation, Kevin," she said, stepping back and sitting down. "And if you want me to stay, you'd better come up with something other than that, because right now, I have more doubts about this than I've ever had."

"Doubts about what? Us?" he asked, taking a few steps closer to her.

"Who's Em, Kevin?"

"I met Em years ago…like seven or eight years ago when we were in England on a tour. It was the last leg, it'd been three months since we'd even seen American soil, and I wasn't getting along with Kristin, and I hated every one of the fellas and the management and the crew, and we had a photo shoot scheduled, and I was in a really crappy mood…Brian and Nick were at each other, and I couldn't stand it anymore so I went to go find something to eat just to get out of the room." He put his palm against his forehead to keep his head from exploding, seeing the vending machines and the coins in his hand. It'd been a lifetime ago! "And I was standing there, trying to get my head on straight and not think about going home or how much I missed it and wanted to be anywhere but where I was, and she came up behind me and started talking to me, and she was American, and she was nice, and when I turned around…I don't know. She was close to my age and not another little teenage thing, and we talked. I just felt better after talking to her, and we just kinda hit it off. She just reminded me of the things I missed from home, I guess, and ever since, she's just kind of had that appeal to me I guess." He shrugged and sank down into the couch with a slight shake of his head. "I don't know how else to explain it."

"Was there ever anything more between you?" Jana asked keeping her voice steady.

"With Em? Hell no! I mean, not that I…well, I mean…"

"Tell me the friggin' truth, Kevin. Was there ever anything more between you?"

He shook his head. "No. She was always with her Alex James, dating or engaged or married. I was on again, off again with Kristin. We don't really see each other all that much. I think we talk on the phone a few times a year, but we're…friends. We're close, but nothing's ever happened. Nothing like last night anyway. I've thought about it, sure, but she was always with Alex and I was usually with Kristin."

"So, now that you're with Kristin and me, and she's married, you thought the timing was what? Better?" She leaned forward and glared at him. "What am I supposed to think, Kevin? If something ever happened between Em and her husband, what would you do?"

"Do?" he questioned. "Nothing. What do you mean, do?"

"Would you drop me and Kristin and chase after her?"

"Jana, Em is…the crush that never dies," he said quickly. "Yeah, I'm attracted to her, and she's smart and talented an' all, but…it's Em. It's just flirting. It was never supposed to be anything more. I never really thought anything more about her. She's always just reminded me of the softer, better things in life when I'm not feeling all that motivated about my own." She sat back, biting her lips together and nodded, keeping a sharp eye on him. "What?" he asked, realizing she was not satisfied, or angrier somehow.

"So, what things aren't you feeling motivated about?" she asked, folding her arms.

"I don't…damn it, Jana! That's not what I meant."

"You don't mean a lot of things, do you?" she snapped. "Why do they keep happening then, Kevin? What do you mean then? Because right now, I'm trying really hard to believe that it was just a kiss and didn't mean anything, but what I keep hearing from everyone, including you, is all this other information that's telling me maybe it's not. And you had the nerve to stand there that day in New York and make a fuss about my ex making a pass at me? I'm trying really fucking hard not to overreact to this, but…"

He leaned forward and put his head in his hands, slowly shaking his head. "You don't need to overreact, Jan," he sighed tiredly. "It was just a kiss that wasn't supposed to even happen. It just did, and we both knew it was wrong the second we did it, and we stopped it. There's nothing to overreact about."

"So, if she reminds you of things softer and better, what am I?"

"What are you?" he repeated, baffled as he lifted his head to blink at her.

"Am I just some kind of walking metaphor for your past or something that you'll work through? Am I just a reminder of something more simple? Home? What? What am I?"

"Jana, you're…it's not like that with you," he said shaking his head.

"So, what am I then?"

"You're…" He exhaled heavily and dropped back, studying her without being able to come up with words to explain. "I just…love you." He dropped his palms to his lap, letting his hands open lazily. She looked away from him, chewing the corner of her lip and barely shook her head. "What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing," she said flatly, still not looking at him.

"Jana…" he said, sitting up. "What?"

She looked at him and this time he could see tears in her eyes. "You scare me," she said, releasing a heavy breath. "And just when I think I get it all worked out…I just find out more things that I don't know about you. And I'm sure there are people who say that's supposed to keep things interesting, but it scares me." She stiffened her jaw and sat up straighter. "Because I don't know what you're going to do next. You're determined, and you're hard working, and you're driven and passionate about so many things, but I can't seem to persuade myself that I'm one of those things." She shrugged and looked away from him again. "Every time I walk away, I wonder 'is this it? Is this the last time?' and this really isn't helping me feel very safe and secure. You want a divorce, you're talking about a divorce, but you just have to do this one last thing for Kristin…what if she asks you for one more last thing? What if you just happen to kiss someone else without it meaning anything? What if something happened in Em's marriage and there was a possibility of something more for you and her? What if…anything, Kevin. What if some other gorgeous woman walked in the room? What if another cute dancer joins the tour? What if I'm never not scared you're going to change your mind?"

He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. "I'm not going to change my mind, Jana," he said softly.

"I'm not seeing any real promise of that, am I, Kevin? This is the first time I said I couldn't join you when you asked. The first time. And this is how you react? You're annoyed and pissed off that I didn't drop everything at your request, and I feel guilty and depressed, so I do what you ask, and you're already off kissing someone else? What happens the next time I can't do your bidding? Who're you going to not mean to fall into bed with then?"

"Oh, come on! I didn't fall into bed with Em, Jana! I got drunk and kissed an old friend that I have a crush on! I fell into bed with Kristin, and one kiss with Em isn't going to make her call me in a month to tell me she might be pregnant!"

She lifted a hand up and let it drop to her lap. Just a fucking kiss...she'd been angry enough with that, but it'd been nothing compared to the stunned heat that ripped through her. Had he really just said that? She stared at him, seeing the guilty panic all over his face. Was he talking about now? Her mind raced, trying to defend herself against this onslaught of hurt, trying to convince her that he was talking about the past. He'd fallen into bed with Kristen, years ago, and she'd told him she was pregnant. That had to be what he was talking about. Right? Or not? He was staring at his hands now, fidgeting, and that was so unlike him. Her heart dropped, and all she could choke out was sarcasm. "Nice, Kev! You fell into bed with Kristin? Yeah, that makes me feel a whole lot better about the kiss! Thanks!"

"I wasn't thinking!" he argued. "That's what I meant! I wasn't looking for a replacement or looking for someone to make the bed warm! It just happened!"

"It doesn't just happen! There's always some other motive, isn't there?" Anger flamed within her. "It may not have been in the front of your mind…"

"Some other motive?" he snapped angrily, leaning even further forward. "Don't even talk to me about some other motive, Jana," he said, pointing to her in warning. "Just about every person I meet has some other motive. Just about every person I've met since 1991 has had some other motive to be around me. Don't even…" His eyes flared at her furiously as he gripped the armrests of his chair. "You think I'm finding all of this easy? I've been on the road for a year, Jana. I have been everywhere, being everything to every-fucking-body, and just about everyone we meet could care less about who we are, and the whole world thinks we're a joke! But we go, plaster a smile on our face and make nice for an hour so we can make money to pay off the fucking lawyers that are defending us against someone who did have some other motive! We're promotion for every one and everything we come in contact with. You think I don't have to question everyone I meet?" He turned his head away, clenching his jaw as she blinked in shock at him. "When we weren't on the road, it was because I pushed someone I love over the fucking edge and sent him to rehab! Then we have to spend how many more days in interviews while they all pick and pry at us trying to get the dirt so they can get rid of the Backstreet Boys! And I have to wonder if they're not all wrong! I have to wonder if he's going to be able to handle the pressure next time around or if he's ever going to be okay!" He pushed himself up from the chair and shoved the coffee table aside as he started pacing in front of it, and his mind raced, trying to tell him to shut up, but it was too late to stop. He looked down at her, seeing the shock as she blinked up at him. "I still sit and watch him," he pointed to the door to the hallway, "just to make sure he's still on the right path! We've been working non-stop, we made up every date and added shit on in spite of how fucking tired we all are! I'm watching Nick pine over some girl, and every day I wake up wondering if he's even going to be here in the morning or if he's decided to run off after her and be her groupie, and I always have to get his mind back in the game when he can't! I'm trying to stay active in my charity," he pulled a finger back with his other hand, "and in the middle of this," he waved his hands around, "they start a fucking war and I have to go back to the press to defend a single comment I made in one interview in Canada because that's the interview someone decided to pay attention to!" He pointed to the window firmly. "I'm fighting with half of my family." He pulled at another finger. "I'm fighting to end a marriage that I never wanted -- that I fought to make work for way too damn long! I've been trying to make things work with you without second guessing every goddamn thing I do just in case I might screw it up!" He motioned to her and turned away, walking over to a chest of drawers and slammed his palm down, dropping his chin and feeling the muscles in his shoulders tense even more. "I'm tired, Jana! I'm fucking tired and we're coming up on the end of one of the worst goddamn years of my life so I'm sorry if I'm not all that and not thinking straight, or saying things the way they're supposed to be said or making the best decisions!" He turned to face her again, his face stiff and angry. "I'm tired having to explain every goddamn thing I say, or do! I'm tired of being the responsible one, and the courteous one, and the polite one, the careful one, the trustworthy one, the motivating one, and the gentle one, and the politically correct one, and the dependable one, the one everyone expects to fix the mistakes they made! And while I'm at it, hang the goddamn moon for all those little kids, would you? I'm just fucking tired, Jana!" He waved his hands in the air and dropped them and his shoulders with a shake of his head. "Give me break already! Please! That's all I can say, and if you want to think there was some other motive behind it, well, then…pick from the list I just gave you because I'm out of explanations anymore!" Taking a deep breath, he turned to look at her, already regretting the words but unable to bite them back and be kinder. "I fucked up and slept with Kristin about a month ago, and she's called to let me know she thinks she might be pregnant. Okay? There's your reason to not trust me and be pissed. Just keep in mind that I'm a hell of a lot more pissed off about any of this than you could ever be!"

She had tears in her eyes, looking at him in shock and disbelief as he fell back into the chair and pressed the heels of his palms against his forehead with his eyes closed tightly, unsure of how she should reply, if at all.

Slowly he lifted his head and looked at her, the full extent of his exhaustion showing. "I…" he started, closing his eyes again.

"Kevin…" she said quietly, looking down at her hands in her lap.

"No, really, Jan…"

She looked up to him. "Maybe right now isn't the best time to be thinking about any of this."

"This what?" All his energy had been spent on his tirade. She started picking at a fingernail nervously, almost expecting another rant, but all he did was sigh deeply and drop his head back. "I didn't mean that I was tired of us," he said towards the ceiling.

She stood up and went over to the back of his chair. "I'm going to go take a walk or something."

"Yeah, okay."

"Get some rest while you can, okay?"

~

When she opened the door, AJ was leaning against the wall in the hallway. His face was sad and serious, and the moment she looked at him, she could feel the tears release in her eyes. She jut lifted her hands up, closed her eyes and shook her head briefly, but he paid no attention and wrapped his arms around her shoulders to pull her close.

"He's tired," she managed to say quietly, dropping her head against his shoulder.

"Yeah, he is," AJ agreed, nodding against her.

She rested there for a moment, keeping her eyes closed and taking deep breaths as he rubbed her back softly. When she heard the elevator doors open, she pulled back and watched Nick step out, his eyes immediately on her and AJ.

"What's up?" Nick asked, looking to them and to Kevin's door.

"Nothing," Jana said quietly with a shrug, feeling AJ's hand run down her back, still standing next to her.

"We're hanging out in here if you want to come in," Nick said, pointing to his door.

She found herself moving. "Sarah's sleeping," AJ said, keeping his hand on her lower back. "I wouldn't mind hanging out."

Nick stopped just as he was about to open the door. "Oh, Em's here," he said to Jana.

"That's okay," Jana said.

"Cool," Nick said as he pushed open the door. They heard the acoustic guitar immediately along with Rachel and Em talking easily. Rachel was sitting on the coffee table with her guitar, and Em was in the chair across from her. Both stopped talking, and Rachel stopped playing the second she walked in the room. AJ glanced around, feeling the awkwardness.

"Did you talk to him?" Rachel asked, her face full of concern.

"Yeah, he's just going back to bed," Jana said, nodding. She looked directly at Em, hoping Em would understand that Jana wasn't upset with her. "It's fine."

It was obvious that nothing was fine, but she didn't want to talk about it. She figured feeling angry might be better than feeling like she did now, which was numb, but she wasn't quite sure how she should feel. All she wanted to do was sit down and not think about anything for a while.

Rachel started fingering some chords again as Nick slid onto the table next to her to look over her shoulder, and Jana followed AJ to the couch.

"Are you taking requests?" Jana asked, trying to find conversation in the awkwardness.

"Sure," Rachel said with a shrug.

"What's the one… I still get lost in your eyes, and it seems that I can't live a day without you?" Jana asked, resting her head down on AJ's shoulder tiredly, deciding to accept his silent comfort. She didn't want to ask him what he had overheard, but she knew he had heard something to make him wait in the hallway. He also wasn't leaving her side, or cracking his usual playful jokes. That alone was enough to rouse suspicion.

Rachel started playing again, strumming gentle notes and Jana closed her eyes when she started singing.

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing
are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

She felt her head nod, jerking her awake suddenly. AJ looked down at her with a smile and patted a hand on his lap. She blinked to him tiredly and shook her head, but he nudged her shoulder for her to lie down. She didn't want to call more attention to herself, but she lowered herself to curl up on the couch, not looking at anyone, sure that they all thought she was freaking out. He smoothed a hand through her hair gently, and she closed her eyes to keep from crying more than anything. Jet lag sucked, zapping her energy and her rational thoughts.

Rachel started strumming a different tune and Jana focused on the different notes, wondering how she got the thoughts in her head to come out in such clear phrases, to a melody that never existed until she thought of it. It was an unfathomable process to her.

It's been a long, long time since I looked into the mirror
I guess that I was blind
Now my reflection's getting clearer
Now that you're gone things will never be the same again

There's not a minute that goes by every hour of every day
You're such a part of me
But I just pulled away
Well, I'm not the same girl
you used to know
I wish I said the words I never showed

I know you had to go away
I died just a little, and I feel it now
You're the one I need
I believe that I would cry just a little
Just to have you back now
Here with me
Here with me

You know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart
And I wanted so badly just to be a part of something strong and true
But I was scared and left it all behind

I know you had to go away…

"Is she asleep?" she heard Nick ask AJ.

"Dunno," AJ answered quietly, still stroking her hair, "I think so."

"What happened?" Nick asked.

"Kevin fuckin' freaked," AJ said in a low voice. She was sure he was trying to stay quiet in order not to wake her. She wasn't necessarily asleep, but she couldn't find the energy to let them know she was awake, or at the very least, still conscious of what was happening around her.

"What do you mean?" Em asked, her voice filled with concern.

"I heard most of it," AJ said quietly. "He said a lot of stuff...wondering about the end of the group, worrying about me, about you and Rachel, something about fighting with his family…just a whole list of things." He was quiet a minute, but he never stopped stroking Jana's hair. "And he said he was tired of defending himself…tired of a lot of things. It was pretty…fuckin'…intense. Then it was quiet, and she came out saying everything was fine."

"He is exhausted," Em spoke up. "I noticed that last night at dinner. You all are, really."

"Yeah," Nick said slowly, "but…Kevin doesn't freak out."

"Oh, yeah, he does," AJ corrected him. "I just heard him."

"But Kevin doesn't let things get to him like that, does he?" Nick asked, looking to AJ for confirmation. AJ just shrugged and continued smoothing Jana's hair.

Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 12
Page 47 | Page 48  |  Page 49 | Page 50 

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Read the companion story:
Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

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