Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 12
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Jana finished a cigarette, changed into some workout clothes, and thanked Rachel and Nick for letting her take a nap, stepping into the hallway just as Kevin was stepping out of his room. Guilt was all over him as he looked away for a second and then looked back at her. "I was just going to try and find you," he said quietly. "Can we talk?"

She wanted to say no and go about having the workout, but the look in his eyes made her melt. She couldn't say no. Not right now, knowing there was still a lot left up in the air. Part of her wanted to keep it there, keep it in question because at least then, she didn't have to come up with final answers or any kind of decisions. But Kevin didn't work that way, at least, not this Kevin. It all had to be settled and arranged in some way for him to move on to the next task - whatever task that may be.

"Sure," she answered, looking down to the floor, and she found herself crossing the hallway back to his room, following his heels.

"This morning was a disaster," he said as he closed the door behind her. "And things were said that had nothing to do with you."

"Nothing and everything, Kevin," she corrected him gently, reaching across her stomach to grab her elbow. "I'm not that naive. What happened with Kristin?" She attempted to swallow, but her mouth had dried out and her stomach twisted into a knot. Could she really be angry for him sleeping with his wife?

He released a deep breath and bit his lips together. "Fuck," he whispered, clenching his jaw. "Kristin…after the Vegas show." He walked past her, over to the window, and glanced out briefly before turning and leaning against the windowsill. "I thought we were getting along okay, but when we got on the plane and everyone was settled and asleep…she just…" He looked down to his palm, remembering the kiss. "She started kissing me. And I couldn't say anything because I was afraid to call attention to us." He glanced at her. "And then, I just sort of gave in, but I stopped it before we actually had sex and I moved to a different seat."

"Sort of gave in?" she interrupted hesitantly. "What does that mean?"

He bit his lips together and looked at the table in front of him. "Uh," he paused, lifting a shoulder, "oral sex. She, um..." He waved his hand in front of him. "...in the seat, and then we went to the bathroom and I…her…there. It came close to something more, but I didn't let it happen."

"So, you reciprocated?" A sickening feeling washed over her. "So, if you didn't go all the way, how could she be pregnant?" she asked, moving over to sit on the couch.

"Because it didn't happen there," he admitted guiltily, closing his eyes. "It was in the hotel room in New York. We fought…and then she started crying and, I swear, I just meant to comfort her because she was crying. But it turned into something more, and I slept with her," he finished quietly. "She left right after, admitting that it was pointless to keep the marriage going. Then she called before I got on the plane to come here and said she was late."

"I don't think now is the right time for you to be making life altering decisions," she started.

"Meaning?" he asked, opening up empty hands as he sat on the coffee table across from her.

"Maybe you're just not sure how to do what you want to do and need to buy yourself time. I really don't know. But I do know that in my heart, Kevin," she said, reaching up and putting a hand over her chest, "I don't want you like this."

"Like what?" he asked.

"Tired and confused," she answered. "You're not going to make any decent, right decisions feeling the way you do. And although you didn't mean to rant at me like you did, you still did. You're still feeling all that, and it's not going to fix itself, and the amount of work it's going to take to get it fixed isn't something you can spare when you're trying to be a husband, a son, a big brother, a singer and a dancer and a personality and a boyfriend. It just doesn't work like that."

"So, you are suggesting we break things off," he said quietly, watching her with questioning eyes.

"I'm suggesting that we keep in touch, and maybe see each other - but we shouldn't plan on a future until you're sure what you want that future to be, or until you can reconcile what that future is to yourself. That kiss was drunken and stupid, I agree, but what happened with Kristin was more. Maybe you're not quite as definite about everything as you're letting on. And if you are and you're still doing this…well, then," she shook her head, "sorry. No. I can't be with you if that's who you really are." He looked down to the floor, lacing his fingers together, and dropped his chin, releasing a deep breath. "So, we cool things off and get our heads together. You get that break you need, and I go back to New York and start finding a job instead of hanging out in limbo and we see where it goes."

"What if that's not good enough?" He looked up through the loose strands of hair falling from his ponytail. "What if I tell you that I'm sure it's you?"

"Then you have to give me time to believe that," she said, looking directly at him. "Because it scares me and maybe I'm not all that sure that this is the right thing if I keep finding out about someone else. That's pretty much telling me that I don't mean anything either if I'm so easy to forget." He opened his mouth to protest, but she lifted her hands and shook her head. "I understand that's not what you think you're doing, and that's not what you think you mean, but that's what I think, Kevin. That's what I am seeing from this side of things. I don't think you'd be all that accepting if I came to you and told you the same thing. Think about it."

"I don't have to be happy about this decision, do I?" he asked, tilting his head to her. "Because I hate it."

"I'm not really all that excited by it either," she admitted. "But it's really the only responsible thing I can think of doing. Besides, you promised Kristin and your family they could have Christmas. We've got time to think it over and if I'm not put in the racks or handed a scarlet letter when I step foot into Estill County, we'll see each other at Christmas anyway."

"Not before?"

"You're going home, and I have to find a job," she said. "I need to work." He sighed and his shoulders dropped slightly. "It's just…well, the truth, Kevin. Whether or not we wanted to see it, I think."

"So what do we do now? Are you staying?"

"If you want me to," she said. "It's not that I don't want to see you. I just think we need to step back and see the situation as it really is."

"So, how much of see each other are we seeing? How far back are we stepping?"

"Kevin, I'm hurt," she told him honestly. "I think we step back to something we're comfortable with."

"And that is?"

"I think we'll both find out when we're uncomfortable." She was already uncomfortable, and the sickening feeling had deepened into nausea. "I'm not sure."

"I'm not comfortable now." He looked away with a shake of his head, more nervous than he'd been in the hallway. "I'm almost afraid to be near you."

She sat forward and turned his face to her. "I do love you. I just need to do this for me, okay?"

Slipping a strand of hair behind her ear, he nodded reluctantly. "Okay."

~

The silence of his suite was left behind as he closed the door. Jana had fallen asleep watching TV on the couch and Kevin couldn't stay in the room watching her with the ache he felt in his chest. The truth was out, but nothing could make him forget the pained look behind her eyes when she looked at him, or the way she now avoided looking at him. Once she was asleep, all he could do was torture himself by going over the details; what he could have done, what he should have said…

He didn't know where to go, not sure if he even wanted company. From all different directions, he could hear the TV, a stereo, guitar, and voices as they chattered and laughed amongst themselves. When he headed down the hall, Nick came out of his room and stopped dead, looking to Kevin with suddenly frightened eyes. Kevin could feel his breath tighten his throat, immediately knowing everyone knew of the fight, and that he didn't want to face their reactions yet.

"Hey," Kevin said as casually as he could.

"Hey," Nick answered awkwardly, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans and looking down, almost guiltily.

"What'd you do, little man? You look awfully guilty." Kevin asked, attempting to remove himself as topic.

Nick just looked up at him quickly with wide eyes. "Nothing." He shrugged quickly. "Everything…okay with you?"

Kevin smirked and looked down the hall. As if Nick didn't know how things were. "Everything is fine, Nicky," he said assuredly with a slow nod. "What've you heard?"

"Well, Kev," Nick started, obviously uncomfortable.

Kevin's brain was telling him to deflect this. Don't let them make this into something more than it is. This isn't their problem, it's a private situation. Just don't comment, Kev. Chin up, stay calm. He put his arm around Nick's shoulders and led him back into his suite room, seeing Em and Rachel. Both of them stopped their conversation and looked at him, making his stomach clench a bit tighter. "Man, is it that bad that I can stop all conversation?" he asked, failing to laugh off their expressions. "Em? Someone…talk to me."

"Is everything okay, Kev?" Nick ventured cautiously, heading over to sit on the couch near Rachel. "I mean…are…you…okay?"

"I'm fine," Kevin answered, forcing his calmness with a smile before exhaling quickly. "Who heard?"

"Heard?" Nick asked, failing to play dumb.

"Which one of you heard us fighting?" Kevin continued.

"It was AJ, actually," Em said as Kevin slowly nodded. "And Jana was in here for awhile. She didn't seem all that…okay. Is everything okay?"

"Not at the moment, no," he answered truthfully, resting his hands on the back of the chair he stood in front of and resting his weight on one foot. "But it will be if we're given enough time to sort it out. And if everyone stops acting like someone's dead." He looked at them and shook his head slightly. "It's all good, okay?" he told them, deciding now was not the time to discuss this. He couldn't discuss it yet. It was bad enough AJ over heard. It was bad enough it was already gossip and everyone was looking at him like he was ready to snap. If he managed to talk about it with anyone, he knew he wouldn't maintain his composure. More frightening than any of that, if he lost it, he didn't know how it would reveal itself and he didn't need to break down in tears or have some kind of rampage knowing everyone was already watching him.

He turned and headed out of the room but Nick followed shortly behind him in an awkward silence. Kevin looked at him expectantly, hoping to intimidate him somewhat, but Nick just looked down to the carpeting as the elevator doors closed behind them. "Where ya headed, Nicky?" Kevin asked.

"You don't have to worry about me, Kev," Nick finally said, looking up to him. "I mean, I know you do worry an' all, but you don't have to worry. Honest."

Kevin pressed the button to the lobby and watched the floor numbers. "I know that, Nicky."

"AJ overheard you yelling," Nick said, moving to the corner of the elevator. "And it sounded like you just, I dunno, have a lot on your mind an' all and, well…we're doing okay, Kev." Kevin could only bite his tongue and nod slowly. "I mean, you don't have to…we're not…"

"Not what, Nick?" he asked, turning his head to look at him. "Little boys anymore? Don't need looking after anymore?"

"Well…yeah," he said with a slight shrug.

"I'll try to remember that," Kevin said, turning back to the elevator doors as they opened. There was a rush of energy that hit them as fans saw them through the hotel glass. A few of them were inside the lobby, but thankfully, the security posted at the elevator doors were already heading them off and Kevin made his way to the hotel bar with Nick following.

He went to the corner stool and sat down, waiting for Nick to sit next to him. If he had followed him this far, there was no getting around listening to what he had to say. Nick may not need to be taken care of, but he still wasn't all that self-assured when it came to speaking from his heart -
especially when it was Kevin he had to talk to.

When they started, Nick barely came up to his shoulder and was about as broad as his leg; gangly and gawky, with a high, squeaky voice that showed no sign of changing yet. Even then he fidgeted and bounced with energy, and found everything exciting. Nick usually found things most exciting when Kevin was tired and worn out. As Kevin sunk into exhaustion, he wanted to sit in peace and quiet, but Nick would always move around and get restless, whine about being bored and tired.

Once they managed to push past exhaustion, homesickness would kick in. They all wanted their own space, their own families, their own lives - instead they were on the same bus night after night, in the same dressing room, in the same hotel rooms. Nick was just so young. He hated being alone, he missed his large family more than the rest, Kevin considered. Kevin would just hide in his room, take a break to feel miserable, but when he was in front of the rest of the boys, he always did his best to suck up and deal, lead by example. Nick, at first, would constantly be on the verge of tears and Kevin knew he lost patience with him. Now, he realized, instead of showing Kevin how he felt, he showed an awkward silence and distance, and that too made Kevin turn away from looking at him. He ordered two beers and turned slightly to rest his feet on the rungs of Nick's chair. "What is it, Nicky?" he asked quietly.

"Well," Nick smiled self-consciously, "I'm tryin'." He looked away briefly and then back down to the bar. "I just…I dunno. I don't know what to say, really."

"What're you worried about?" Kevin asked, attempting to guess what might be on his mind. He couldn't believe Nick would be this concerned about a fight he had with Jana.

"You don't lose your cool, man," Nick said with a shake of his head. "I mean, you do, but not…"

"It's been a long tour, Nick," Kevin said, turning to face the bar and take drink from the beer placed in front of him. Nick would buy that, wouldn't he? Use the tour as an excuse. He could understand that more than he could marriage and babies and responsibilities….

"No shit, Kev," Nick said looking to him. "But we've had longer ones, too."

Kevin shook his head, smirking into his beer glass. "No offense, Nick. I mean, I know you're concerned and you're trying to be a good friend and all, but what's happening in my life is just… I don't think it's anything you'd really be able to help out with."

"Listen Kev," Nick turned to face him, "I know I'm not the most mature one," he said honestly. "And I know you don't like to open up and pour your heart out or anything, but you said yourself, sometimes it's okay to just let someone listen, you know?"

Nick remembered that? Kevin glanced to him, attempting to hide the shock of hearing himself quoted back. Nick couldn't have been more than fifteen when he told him that. After trying for days to hide a deep depression that no one could get Nick out of, Kevin had finally gone into Nick's hotel room, closed the door and sat down, wracking his brain about what he was supposed to say to the kid. Nick had sat with his Gameboy, Indian style in the middle of his bed, not saying a word and trying desperately to keep from crying. After asking several times what was wrong, Nick had mumbled 'you wouldn't understand' and Kevin told him 'sometimes it's okay to just let someone listen.' And he had. Nick was homesick, and tired, and missed his friends, and didn't want to be picked on all the time, and sick of being yelled at… It all came gushing out in confused anger and sadness, but it had at least come out. After he had calmed Nick down, he went back out and laid the law down for the rest of them to take it a little easier on him for a few days.

"…And we all know things aren't going that great between you and Jana," Nick was saying, and Kevin turned his attention back to him. He wasn't that gawky, gangly kid anymore. He was almost as broad as Kevin now, almost as tall, but still maintained that nervous, fidgeting energy. "And you're thinking about a divorce from Kristin. It can't be all that easy. Even I can figure that out. But AJ said you were worried about the group, and about me, and AJ…and I just don't think you really have to be. We're done, man. We're finished. And we're still alive to tell about it. You don't have to worry about us anymore for a long time."

Kevin laughed lightly and took another drink. "Nick? Tour or no tour, I worry about y'all."

"Well," Nick sighed, hitting his shoulder, "stop."

Kevin nodded slowly and watched the bartender for a moment. Stop. If only it was that easy, but there was no way to stop at this point. It was like trying not to love his brothers anymore, as annoying and hardheaded as they could be. They were family. "Nicky, you don't stop. We're all big boys now, but sometimes, none of you act like it. On or off stage. We go out in public, and regardless of being on tour, you're still out as Backstreet." He looked at him with a serious look. "Sometimes, y'all seem to forget that. Still."

"Kev," Nick shook his head and looked away, "we know."

"Then why do I still worry?" Kevin asked with a lift of his eyebrow before turning back to sip his beer.

"Because you still expect everything to be perfect, and we're still just AJ, Howie, Brian, Kevin and me," Nick said, turning away to sip his own beer.

Kevin nodded, tilting his head slightly to the side in consideration. Damn, when did Nick learn that lesson? "I've always had a problem with that."

"Yeah," Nick groaned, "we've noticed. But, Kev," he turned and looked at him, dropping his chin, "if you just chill out, man, things have a way of workin' out."

"Sometimes I wish I could be as carefree as you are, Nick. It's just not like that in my world. And things need to be worked out. Emphasis on work."

"Yeah, but sometimes, no matter how much work, it just doesn't pay off."

Kevin looked at him in disbelief. "How can you say that? Really? How? You think we'd be here with just sitting back and letting things go?"

"Kev, I'm not talking about Backstreet."

Damn it, Nick, talk about Backstreet. Talk about Rachel. Talk about Aaron…talk about anything but something relating to me because I can't talk about this yet. Please, little man, let me talk about Backstreet.

"There's more going on than just our careers and maybe we've just put them ahead of everything else when we shoulda sat back and let it go for a day or two. Like AJ said, we gotta learn the lessons, man, right? Or it's pointless?"

Kevin just shook his head and sighed heavily, watching the bartender clean some glasses before looking calmly at Nick, and then turned back to his beer, taking another drink. "Yeah, maybe," he admitted quietly, seeming to study the bottom of his glass through the golden liquid.

"You know what you always told me, Kev?" Nick said, resting his arms on the bar in front of him. "It's the same as music, right? You just need to keep following your heart, right?" Kevin drained his glass, tilting his head back slightly and slid from the stool. He patted Nick's shoulder with a silent nod and headed back out into the lobby.

~

Kevin decided to head back to the room. With Jana asleep, he would only have to deal with his own thoughts and not have to engage in yet more conversation where he'd have to pretend everything was fine.

However, when he got back to his room, AJ was sitting on the couch watching TV and turned it off once Kevin closed the door behind him. "Hey," AJ said, leaning forward easily. Kevin glanced to the bedroom and back to AJ. "Nah, she's in my room. Woke up when I came in and didn't want to stay here. Talk to me, Kevy-Kev." He patted the couch next to him and rested back into the corner.

"Aje…"

AJ patted the couch again and just looked at him with a lift of his eyebrow.

Kevin knew there was no way out of this. AJ had his all-knowing, 'won't-take-no' for an answer expression…when had he picked that up? It was a rare expression, although he had seen a lot more of it since August. Come to think of it, he'd seen a lot more maturity in AJ overall since August, actually.

"Come on, sit down a second," AJ said. Kevin made his way over to the opposite corner of the couch and sank into the cushions tiredly. Too damn tired, he considered. "She's wrecked," AJ continued. "Talk to me, Kevin."

"Really, AJ, right now isn't the best time," Kevin said, slouching down to rest his head back.

"There's never going to be a best time and I heard what happened," AJ said softly. "I was right outside. I saw her when she came out of here. She's trying real hard to be brave about it all, but she's wrecked, and she's not talking. It's not really my place to pressure her..."

Kevin looked back at him. "But you can with me?" he asked indignantly, wishing his attitude might delay this whole conversation.

"Yeah, I can with you," he informed him. "I like Jana. I tried to be a friend when she came out of here before, but she's not in any frame of mind to open up about this, especially to someone she's not really close to. But I know you, and when the situation was reversed, you didn't let me slide when you knew I was in trouble."

Kevin shook his head and closed his eyes. "That was something completely different."

"No, Kev, it wasn't," AJ said firmly. "Think about it. You saw a problem and made me aware of it."

Don't do this now, AJ. Don't… Just the mention of Boston brought tears to Kevin's eyes, and he looked away. He didn't want to be faced with this now. He didn't want to remember that on top of all the rest that had happened today. Not now, man. Please, not now. "This is nothing like Boston," he said, trying to sound more convincing than he felt. "It's just been a bad day, AJ."

"Not from what I heard." He looked Kevin squarely in the eye. "It's something I've actually been watching for a while, and after hearing you this afternoon, I feel like maybe you need someone to point out to you that you're fucking up before you lose it all."

"How the hell…" Kevin pushed himself forward and shifted to face AJ in disbelief. "This isn't even close to the same thing. What's going on with Jana isn't…" He shook his head, looking away from AJ's calm, concerned expression. "What do you mean…"

"What do you mean 'not going'?" Kevin asked, pushing past Brian in the hallway to pound on AJ's door. He barely heard it over the throbbing anger in his head, and when the door didn't open, Kevin walked in to find AJ's room in total darkness and a total mess. "Where the fuck are you?" he bellowed, flicking the lights on. "Goddamn it, AJ!"

He stormed through the suite room, Brian and Howie close on his heels, and threw the bedroom door open. This room was also empty, and Kevin turned on his heels towards the closed bathroom door. "Get your fucking ass out here!" he screamed, pounding his fist against the door. "AJ! Get the fuck out here and let's go!"

"Kevin…" That was all Howie managed to say before Kevin turned to stare at him. By then, Nick was also standing in the room, and Carlos was hanging back in the doorway with a concerned expression.

Kevin turned back to the door, slamming his fist into it firmly. "You are not doing this, AJ!" The cracking noise surprised even him, but if that was the only way for him to get in there, then that was the way he'd do it. It was blind fury. He didn't care who was around, who was listening. He had enough of the laziness and irresponsibility. He had enough excuses and making allowances. AJ was going to make this appearance, and Kevin intended on letting him know he was going to start pulling his weight again. "Goddamn it, AJ!" He slammed his shoulder into the door this time, busting it open.

"Kevin!" Brian called, but his voice seemed to be coming through a distant tunnel.

AJ was in the far corner, sinking down against the wall. In one step, Kevin was across the small room, his fist clutching AJ's shirt and dragging him out. "You're part of this fucking group, and we've had enough!" he screamed, dragging AJ through the room and depositing him on the bed with a shove. "We've covered your ass long enough! Do you hear me? We're done! You have no Goddamn problem going out every fucking night and getting shit-faced, but every Goddamn morning you have a problem getting up and doing your job? You think we're here to cover your fucking ass? You sound like shit! You look like hell!" His finger pointed directly in AJ's down turned face. "We're busting our asses out there, waiting for you every day, and you don't even have the common courtesy to show up! Who the hell do you think pays for all those Goddamn drinks, AJ? It's not YOU! It's me, and it's Brian, and it's Nick, and it's Howie! And it's the fans standing outside waiting to see you!" He pointed over his shoulder to the rest, staring at Kevin and AJ in shock. "You're not doing the work, and I've had fucking enough!"

"Kev…" Howie started again. "Enough…"

Kevin turned around to look at the rest of them. "Enough?" he yelled, taking a step towards them, pointing to AJ. "Don't you think it's time he knows what's being said? That we all think he's fucking around? That we all talk about it, and we're all fed up?" He turned back to AJ. "We've brought counselors on tour, we've tried to make sure you have a support team, but nothing is working, AJ! What the hell do you Goddamn need because I've HAD it. We've all HAD it!" He stepped back over to the bed, pulled AJ up from the mattress and shook him. "Where's the clever, smart-ass comment now, AJ? Huh?"

That was when he felt someone behind him, ordering him to let go. Although he tried to shake them off, he couldn't, but he finally released AJ with a firm shove. "You'd better fucking shape up, you little shit!" Kevin called over his shoulder before he was forced out of the room.

It was Carlos behind him, talking calmly once he was in the hallway. Which was good, because he was the only one that could have gotten Kevin out of that room, having spent too many years with him and knowing exactly how to handle him. Now, Carlos was standing in front of AJ's door, blocking Kevin from pushing past and heading back inside. "You made your point."

"Fucking…" He took a step closer, but Carlos didn't move.

"Go chill out, Kev," Carlos said patiently.

"…Chill out, Kevin," AJ was saying. "You want to take responsibility for everything, but you can't. You're getting hung up on worrying about everything and not getting the time to work through anything. You can't make me stay sober. You can't keep Nick in line. You can't make the media love us. You can't change anyone's mind but your own, bro." He settled further into the cushions, keeping his gaze steady. "And I'm going to be honest with you, I think you're using it all as an excuse so you don't have to make a decision about your own life right now. You're taking on all this other crap, so you don't have to think about the real issue."

"And what do you think the real issue is, AJ? How the hell do you expect to know what the real issue is?"

"That's a defense mechanism, Kevin."

He wanted to tell him to get out and keep his therapy-tone for his AA meetings, but as he was about to, he bit his tongue. AJ hadn't needed to get involved in this, not while he was trying so hard to keep his own life in order. Overhearing his rampage couldn't have helped, either.

"I think the real issue is you not knowing which one you want," AJ continued when Kevin didn't answer. "You're in love with Jana, but you don't want to leave Kristin. Am I right?"

"No, AJ, you're not right."

"Then why are you possibly the father of Kristin's baby when you're telling Jana you want to be with her?" he asked pointedly. "Go ahead and glare at me, Kev, but it's a pretty significant question, don't you think?"

"It's not like that!" Kevin argued. "Whatever happened with Kristin was a mistake! I never meant…"

"Oops, I fucked my wife?" AJ asked skeptically, crossing his arms.

"Goddamn it, AJ! Don't!"

"Don't what?" He leaned forward slightly. "Don't ask the questions you don't want to answer? Or don't ask the questions you don't like the answers to?"

"This is none of your business! None of this has anything to do with you!"

"Yeah, it does," he corrected Kevin. "Because I'm watching all this crap happen around you, and after hearing what I heard, I'm concerned. We always looked up to you Kevin, yeah, but that doesn't mean everything is entirely your responsibility when something goes wrong in our personal life. And that doesn't mean you can use all that to cop out of doing the things you need to do in your own life."

"And what am I copping out of, then?" Kevin asked angrily, folding his arms and tilting his head. "What excuses am I making?"

"Kristin wants a commitment out of you, but you're committed to us. You want a family, but you're too committed to your career and your foundation to make time to have one. You want to be with Jana, but you're worried that some bad press might hurt us. Think about that, Kev. You're worried about bad press? Look what we've just gone through with me." He lifted his hand and waved it. "Boy Band Bad Boy…drugs and alcohol. Who the hell is going to care if you leave your wife outside of gossip columns? I'm sorry, but everything you're citing as a reason for not doing what you want is just an excuse, and trust me, Kev, it's going to fall apart when you least need it to."

What had he done?

AJ was slouched in a chair, looking to his hands folded on the table in front of him. The tour manager was on the phone in the corner talking frantically as the rest of the boys filtered in after the Red Sox game. They knew it was big, that something was terribly out of order. Each of them glanced at AJ, at each other, but no one could hold anyone's gaze.

Kevin sank into a chair in the farthest corner of the table and slouched down, looking at his hand. It hurt now, making him realize how hard he must have punched the door earlier. He lifted his shoulder in a slight circle, realizing that was sore too. When he glanced up, it seemed as if everyone was glancing between him and AJ, and all Kevin wanted to do was sink further into the chair.

Finally, the tour manager got off the phone and turned to face them with a stiff and serious expression. Without a word, he nodded to AJ, and AJ sat forward, pulling at his fingers as he cleared his throat. His voice was low and quiet, and he didn't look up. "I need help, guys," he started. All sound and movement in the room stopped, and it seemed as if everyone was holding their breath. "And I'm not getting the kind of help I need on the road."

"What do you need, AJ?" Howie said. "Whatever you need, tell us. We'll do it."

"He wants to go into re-hab," the tour manager started, obviously concerned. "We're trying to work out a schedule…"

"No," Brian said quickly, shaking his head. "No schedule. He goes now if he needs to go now. Is that what you want, AJ?" AJ could only nod, still watching his hands. "Then he goes now."

"We have the tour schedule…"

"He goes now," Brian said firmly. "We'll work the rest out later. AJ, do you know where you need to go?"

"I've gotten hold of The Firm, and they're getting a hold of some lawyers so we can decide how we can handle this. I have all the details for him, and I'll be making arrangements once we discuss…" the manager answered.

"Once AJ is set, we'll talk about it," Brian said, standing up and walking over to AJ. "Dude, you need anything else? Want us to call someone?" He sat on the table and put his hand on AJ's shoulder.

"I'm just so sorry," AJ said softly, and Kevin could hear the tears in his voice. "I never meant for any of this to…to…"

Kevin never meant for any of this either. This wasn't his intention. When he lifted his eyes, he could feel everyone glance over at him, expecting something from him, waiting for him to say something, but he couldn't. He knew better. How many times had he heard that he needed to control his temper? Calm his anger?

"It's okay, Aje," Howie told him gently. "We know."

AJ looked up, looking at each of them. Nick sat, looking at the cast on his hand, fighting tears. Howie remained calm, but concerned and smiled reassuringly to him. Brian didn't budge, staying by his side.

Kevin could barely move, frozen in his chair with thoughts flashing through his mind. 'Why did I have to yell? Why did I have to pull the Goddamn door off? Why did I have to take it to such extremes? How do I fix this? How do I make this okay?'

"We'll work everything out, AJ," Brian said gently. "Your health is top priority."

"I don't mean to bail," AJ started, shaking his head, his voice definitely breaking.

"You're not," Brian comforted. "You'll be back. And we're going to be right here waiting for you when you do."

"Yeah," Howie agreed. "We'll take care of things until you're ready."

AJ lifted his head, fixing his eyes on Kevin. They were sober, but the playful gleam was dull and there was sadness behind them that Kevin had never seen. He was tired, and pale, his entire body seemed drained, but he kept his eyes on Kevin, trying to say something. "Kev…"

"It's okay, AJ," Kevin said, needing to look away. "Make the arrangements." He passed a direct look at the manager. "We'll handle the rest once that's settled."

"Kev…" He had to look back to AJ, but this time, Kevin had tears in his eyes and wasn't sure how much longer he'd maintain his composure. "You were right." Kevin bit his lips together and shook his head in denial. "You were, man," AJ continued. "I'm sorry."

"Kevin?" AJ reached out and touched his shoulder. "What's going on? Really. What's going on?"

"I don't know." Kevin sighed deeply, leaning forward and staring at the floor by his feet. He clasped his hands together and closed his eyes tightly. "But I can't talk about this right now."

"Why not?"

He looked over to AJ, wanting to yell, but couldn't open his mouth, couldn't even breathe. Words felt helpless. Each thought circled back to the same thing - 'you made this mess, you deal with it.'. His father saying 'a man has to live up to his decisions, and you're a man now, Kevin.'

"Because I don't know what to say," he told him quietly, looking back to the floor. "I just don't know what to say."

"Know what they told me? Leave 'I don't know at the door.'"

"AJ!" he snapped.

"I'm fucking fine! Scream at me! Scream at Nick! Hell, scream at Kristin, and your family, too, if it's going to make a difference! Do something other than sit there and pretend you have all the answers! You don't!"

"I know I don't! I'm just trying to do my job right now! Everything else has to wait!"

"You're working," AJ told him firmly. "You're not getting anything done but playing with everyone's emotions and making yourself the cause of it! I drank, Kevin! You made me see it. You didn't make me go into re-hab. Nick's in love, and he's going to be an airhead about it! The press is going to write crap about us no matter what we do! All you have to do is figure out who you love and make a choice!"

"Make a choice?" Kevin scoffed, leaning back in mock amusement. "There is no choice, AJ! I have no choice in this! If she's carrying my baby, I can't leave!"

"Why not? Do you stop existing if you leave? Does the baby disappear?"

"AJ…"

"You don't have to give up parental rights just because you're not in the same Goddamn house! What kind of father do you think you'll be in a miserable marriage?"

"Oh, give me a break, AJ! You know as well as I do that if she's carrying my child, I'm not leaving her! I do a lot of things that contradict my beliefs on occasion, but that is something I can't do!" He looked at AJ, with tears in his eyes. "I can't do that, Aje…" he said softly, dropping his chin, and biting his lips. "And that's the thing that's killing me because it would be so easy… I've done nothing but go over this in my head; stay, leave… And I just can't make myself leave if it's mine. I can't walk away from that."

"Then you have to come to terms with staying," AJ said gently, placing a hand on Kevin's back. "And stop stringing people along." Kevin turned his head to look at him. "Yeah, I mean Jana. Let her know what you're thinking because she needs to come to terms with it all, too."

'A man has to live with his decisions, and you're a man, now, Kevin.'

Birds In Your Garden: Chapter 12
Page 47 | Page 48  |  Page 49 | Page 50 

Chapter 13
(And the end of Part One)

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Read the companion story:
Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

c. 2001, 2002 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.