Birds In Your Garden

Yeah, you'd forgive him, too

Kevin looked around the banquet room where the crew was assembled for their farewell dinner, noticing Jana across the way, crouching between two dancers sitting at their table. She finally had a smile on her face. A smile he hadn't put there. The last two days, when they'd spent any time together at all, things had been stilted and awkward, and Jana had done everything she could to keep a friendly distance and put on a good front. She was pleasant with him, polite even, and that pulled at his heart more than sleeping in Howie's room for the past two nights so she could have the bed in his suite. Just that conversation alone had been strange; and she hadn't objected. She'd merely thanked him quietly and headed into the bathroom.

It wasn't very difficult to get through the day as there was so much promotional work to do and so many fans to meet. They'd traveled separately to Osaka, and the show that night had taken up most of his concentration, forcing himself to not look for her backstage, or in the audience. He knew she was there somewhere. Shannon had told him she was excited Jana was there for the last show, even if she couldn't be part of it. It only made him focus more on his performance, trying to outperform his guilt at taking her away from her rightful place.

But now, it was finished. The boys had made their final speeches, and the room was clearing out as everyone made their way to the hotel bar to continue the party. When Kevin looked back over, Jana was with Shannon and Punch, walking out of the banquet room. She didn't even look back to him to let him know she was leaving. Although they'd sat together at dinner, she had talked mostly to Rachel or AJ. He sat back, finishing the saki in his glass and looked up, thanking God tonight was the last night of weirdness. He'd be home tomorrow, missing her and trying to figure out what the hell to do next.

By now it seemed everyone was drunk and loud, Kevin included. The small dance floor in the bar was crowded with all the faces he had spent the last year with, and they were all busting out for one final night. There was a mix of music spun from early disco to the latest hip-hop to the popular Japanese hits, and each of the dancers broke into dance without missing a step or a trend. Fatima's finest, indeed.

He was dancing with Shannon to Outkast, laughing more than dancing at this point, but the song changed into the great disco instrumental of 'The Hustle' and everyone paired off, leaving Jana standing next to him and everyone watching through the corner of their eyes to see what they'd do.

Like a professional, Jana stepped next to him, placing her hands in his and they started moving...hips swiveling, kicks and turns...although neither of them had done the dance in ages. A circle formed around them, watching them...because they danced so well together? Unspoken encouragement of their relationship? It didn't matter. They just moved perfectly together, anticipating the other's move.

"All right, Travolta," Jana said when the song finished, "buy me a drink and get me out of the center of attraction, would you?"

He didn't let go of her hand but led her off the dance floor directly to the bar as everyone applauded. "What'll it be?"

She looked at the bartender. "Midori sour, please," she said, leaning her side against the bar and looking at him. "Well, you're just a closet disco fan, aren't you?"

He laughed, ordering a tequila for himself and turned to face her, leaning on the bar. "You should talk," he teased with a lift of his chin, "Dancing Queen. Fess up, you have ABBA."

"I do," she said, squaring her shoulders proudly. "And you have Bee Gees."

He wrinkled his nose and turned to face the bar. "Yeah, I do," he admitted playfully, hanging his head.

"Geek," she teased, nodding thanks to the bartender. "Think they could've been a bit more obvious?" she asked, glancing toward the dance floor.

"Well, yeah," he said, lifting a shoulder, "but they meant well. They've noticed some…distance, I guess."

"You guess?" Jana scoffed.

He looked over to her as she watched the dance floor. She was drunk. He could hear it in her voice, and she was talking more freely to him. It was the only excuse he could think of. Come to think of it, he was talking more freely as well. But he knew he was drunk. "Is everything set for your flight tomorrow?" he asked, not wanting to leave too much silence between them. She turned to look at him and blinked. "Your flight? Is a car arranged and all?"

"Yeah," she nodded, "I'm leaving with y'all. My flight's pretty much around the same time…just a different gate."

He nodded, sipping his tequila and not sure what to say next. "Then what?"

She lifted an eyebrow and looked at him. "Meaning?"

"Meaning…d'you have anything lined up?"

"No. I've been in Japan and unable to make any arrangements," she said, a hint of sarcasm in her voice. "I'll figure something out when I get home...among other things."

"Other things?"

She finished her drink and set the glass down on the bar. "Yeah, other things."

"Like?"

"Mending a broken heart," she answered flatly. "Excuse me." She brushed past him and headed out of the bar.

He watched her make her way through the crowd and looked down to his drink briefly before finishing it with one go and walking after her, chastising himself already. He knew this wouldn't end well. They'd both had too much to drink and were too wound up and tired, but he couldn't let her just go.

She was pacing in front of the elevator, wiping her fingers beneath her eyes, and turned, looking up at him in surprise before turning away again. The doors opened, and he followed her in. As soon as the doors closed, she leaned against him, lifting her head -- instantly, they were kissing, his hands buried in her hair, her hands tightly on his waist.

She let him into the suite, and they lost their clothing as they made their way to the bed. Somehow his closeness made it all too easy to ignore the reality...he'd cheated on her...he wasn't even hers to start with...his promises had all turned into lies. No, it was all too easy to concentrate on his lips touching her, his hands caressing her body, the way he felt when he slid inside of her.

Once her body relaxed and she had caught her breath, the tears started. She wanted desperately for him to be asleep and not hear, but as soon as she rolled away from him, he rolled onto his side, his voice heavily asking 'what's wrong?' in the darkness as his hand gently caressed her shoulder.

She wanted to scream, at the very least sound scolding and scoff at him, but all she could do was close her eyes more tightly and force air into her lungs. "How is it so damn easy for you?" she managed to ask the darkness. "If I had an ounce of willpower or pride, I'd throw you out or at least move away from you. But I don't. And I don't understand how it's so friggin' easy for you."

His hand stopped caressing her and just froze on her shoulder for a moment before she heard him roll onto his back and away from her. "I'll go."

"Don't you dare," she said, her voice breaking.

"Jana," he sighed. She could hear him moving, but couldn't even face his shadow. "I don't know what to do here. I don't know what you want me to do."

"Tell me how it's so Goddamn easy for you to fall into bed with people," she said with an edge in her voice. "Damn it, Kevin, I am so angry! And I am so hurt…I just don't get it! How do you do it? How do you so easily forget the things you say? The promises you make? How do you tell one person you love them and screw someone else less than an hour later?"

"I'm gonna go," he said again, and she could feel him sit up in the mattress.

She turned around and glared into the darkness. "Don't you dare! I at least deserve some kind of explanation, don't I, Kevin? Don't I even get that?"

"I didn't mean…" he started.

"How?" she asked, sitting up onto her knees and facing him. "How do you not mean to fuck someone? I don't understand that!"

"I only meant to console her, Jana!" he answered firmly. "I loved her at some point, and I couldn't stand hearing her cry! I'm not a heartless bastard!"

"You can't make up your mind!" she said angrily. "Why can't you admit that? Why can't you say you're not sure you want to leave her?"

"Because I am sure! I screwed up, Jana! I wasn't thinking, but what happened doesn't mean that I ever lost sight of wanting to leave!"

"What if she is pregnant, Kevin?" she asked, her voice shaking. "What if she's not bluffing this time and she really is pregnant. What does that mean? What are you going to do?" The silence thickened around them, broken only by his heavy sigh.

"I don't know," he admitted slowly.

"What if she cries again? What if your family starts in more? What if the tabloids catch wind of this? What are you going to do, Kevin?"

"I don't know, Jana!" he answered more firmly.

"Then what am I doing waiting around for you?" she asked, her voice rising in fear. "What am I wasting my time on you for?"

"You're not wasting your time with me, Jana. I just need to figure out what I'm going to do. I need to know if she's really pregnant before I can decide what to do. I need time to make sense of this!"

She fell back onto the mattress, turning her back on him and forcing herself to stay quiet, unable to figure out the thoughts whirling in her head. The only thought she could make sense out of was the loudest one. I love him. She couldn't deny that one single thought, and each time she repeated it to herself, she could feel the ache in her heart grow stronger.

"I never meant to hurt you, Jana," he said more quietly. "I never meant for any of this to happen, and I never thought about changing my mind. I don't know how to make you believe that. If I knew how, I'd do it." She closed her eyes more tightly and held her breath, wanting to turn around and either hit him or hold him. "I don't know how to take it back, Jana."

"You can't," she said through clenched teeth. "And I can't not feel hurt, either. You have to make up your mind, Kevin. You can't keep fucking everyone that comes on to you, or flirts with you or cries."

"Jana…"

"I'm tired of being hurt, Kevin. I'm tired of falling for you and being hurt. Can't you understand that?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Then stop doing it!" she said, losing her composure and turning her head into the pillow.

She could feel his hand return to her shoulder, gently rubbing back and forth, but if he said anything, she didn't hear him. She forced herself to take a deep breath and pull herself together, turning her head back out of the pillow and biting her lips together. Once she released her breath, she slid across the mattress until she was against him. She couldn't bear to face him, but she did want to feel him close…at least for one more night.

He seemed to hesitate, but soon, he laid back down next her and tentatively placed an arm over her waist. She reached down, lacing her fingers with his and bringing his hand up against her chest, taking a ragged breath, but finally feeling as if she could breathe.

Kevin held Jana's hand as they headed towards her gate, but neither of them really spoke. He shifted her flight case on his shoulder and watched his feet move along the corridor, not really noticing the people he was passing along the way. She held his hand firmly, but he could see she held her head up, wearing sunglasses so he couldn't be sure where she was looking.

He handed her bag over to her once they got to her gate, and she handed her ticket to the attendant, turning away from him briefly until the boarding pass was handed back. She pulled the sunglasses up to pull her hair back and turned back to him, barely smiling and turned her lower lip in, sinking her teeth into it lightly. "Well, I'm off," she said, shrugging her flight case back on her shoulder.

"Have a good flight," he said, reaching a hand out to smooth it down her arm. "Call when you get in so I know you're back okay."

"Sure," she said with a nod.

He stepped closer and leaned over to brush his lips against hers, wrapping an arm around her to pull her close. "I'm going to make this work, darlin'." He could feel her nod against him, but she didn't respond any other way.

"Tell everyone I said bye, okay?" she said, her voice breaking as she pulled away and waved beyond him to Carlos, who had stopped at a respectful distance to let them say their goodbyes. She leaned up and kissed him quickly, dropped her sunglasses back down to cover her eyes and entered the gate without looking back.

He waited until she was out of sight and turned around to head back to the VIP lounge to wait for his flight. The room held a somber energy, but he wasn't sure if it was people not wanting to say good-bye or just a projection of his own mood.

He slid into his seat, turning to look out the window at the plane docking to the gate and closed his eyes, resting his head back against the wall. If he could just shut off his mind for a moment, maybe he could sleep. Such a mix of conversations...Nick and Rachel giggling, poor AJ coughing and groaning, and Howie laughing with Lee. If he opened his eyes, he knew he'd find Brian and LeighAnne sitting next to him with Brian cautiously looking over at him.

"I'm fine, Brian," he said before opening his eyes. He was right, Brian and LeighAnne were both looking at him. "It's okay."

"She got off okay?" Brian asked.

"Yeah," he said with a nod, resting his head back.

"How about last night?" he asked, and Kevin opened his eyes to look at him. "You didn't stay with Howie."

"No, I didn't. But I don't think we need to go into detail, do we?"

LeighAnne stood up and went over to sit next to Howie and Kevin lifted his hand out to her in exasperation. "She…I'm not getting into this here, Bri." He shook his head and looked at Brian. "What did y'all expect would happen?"

"Not miracles," Brian answered, keeping his voice down. "But hopefully something more definite."

"There can be no definite until I know what the hell is happening with Kristin," he said, also keeping his voice low, but definitely angry. "And to be honest, we may never recover from this one. She's angry and confused, more than I am, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to make it up to her. So, yeah, we spent the night together trying to figure something out, but all we figured out was that sex is great between us and we're angry and confused. Any suggestions?"

Brian looked away with a shake of his head. "No."

"Yeah, join the club," Kevin said, slouching down in the seat and folding his arms across his chest.

"Have you talked to Kris at all since she called?"

"No."

"She knows you're coming back today?"

"I don't know."

"What if she is…"

"Brian," Kevin said, flashing a look to him, "enough."

"Em left this morning," Brian said. "She said to call her so you could talk."

"Yeah, right."

"Kev...it's Em."

"Brian," Kevin said, sitting up straight and turning to him, "shut up, all right?"

"Just trying to help."

"Don't. Not right now, okay?"

~Online ~

I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again….

"Honestly, okay," Jana said quietly into the receiver, turning the CD player down.

"You sound pretty weird," Kevin said awkwardly.

"Sorry, the music was on. It was a long flight," she said, closing her eyes and lying back on her bed. Nigel jumped up with a meow and started purring, kneading the pillow. "Yours go okay?"

"Yeah. I listened to your CD the whole way."

"My CD?"

"Dido…No Angel."

"It's your CD," she said. "I have mine here."

"No, it's yours. I listened to it the whole way home."

"It's a good one," she said noncommittally. "Yeah, she has a lot to say."

"She does," he agreed.

"Funny how some singers manage to speak for you, huh?" she said, closing her eyes tightly.

"I'm working on fixing it, Jana."

"Take your time," she said with a sigh. "Look, Kev, I gotta go. I'll talk to you."

"Jana…"

"Bye, Kev." She hung up before he could protest or say something more. Just to take all temptation away, she turned the cell phone off completely and shoved it beneath her pillows. She stared up at the ceiling, listening to Nigel purr in her ear. "At least you think I'm the be-all and end-all of the universe, huh, Noodlehead?" She turned on her side to scratch his soft fur.

It's my life…it's my life… Dido sang quietly.

Birds In Your Garden Disclaimer | Email Coriander

Read the companion story:
Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

c. 2001, 2002 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.

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