Birds In Your Garden - Chap. 13

Kevin looked up from the menu, seeing Kristin heading across the restaurant towards him. As she sat, he stood slightly and sat back down. "They've got salmon as a special," he said handing the menu to her.

"Hello to you too," she said with a tilt of her head and smile. "How'd it go?" Kevin merely looked at her and sat back, crossing his legs. "We're not even going to be polite now? A little chit-chat?"

"Yes or no?" he asked directly.

She looked at the menu briefly and sighed, skimming the items. "Where are you staying anyway?"

"With a friend," he answered. "Kristin, answer the question."

"Congratulations, Kevin, you got what've always wanted," she said looking at him. "Maybe."

"Maybe?" he asked, feeling his throat clench tight. "What the hell does 'maybe' mean?"

She slipped her fingers across the tabletop nervously and bit her bottom lip before taking a breath. "There's a fifty-fifty chance it's yours," she continued quietly with widened eyes. "Either way, I'm not going to hold you to it," she said. "You promised me Christmas and that's all I'm going to ask for."

"Hold up," he said, lifting his hand. "You're kidding, right? Fifty-fifty chance? Not going to hold me to it? What the hell…"

"Well, you want to be with her," she started, lifting a shoulder slightly, attempting to remain calm. She looked him directly in the eye, but lost her nerve and looked away. "You're not the only one that can cheat, Kevin." She looked back to him, leveling her eyes. "Besides, I don't expect this would change anything if it's true love," she said snidely.

Clenching his jaw, he could feel his shoulders tense. Maybe? How he was going to tell Jana this one? He wouldn't leave his child - if it were even his. Anyone that knew him knew that. He may never have sex again with Kristin, but he wouldn't leave his child.

"You look positively green, Kevin," she said in concern, reaching out to touch the hand resting on his knee. "Are you okay?"

"When do you know?" he asked flatly, trying to hold his composure.

"I'm scheduled for some tests next month. We could do a blood test…." He could only nod, unable to think, or even take a full breath. "You're a little overwhelmed, aren't you?" she said sympathetically. "I mean it, Kevin, I'm not going to hold you back."

He attempted to swallow, but ended up coughing heavily, leaning forward and feeling the world spin. There was a baby. She was carrying a baby, after years of trying…it happened, and it may not even be his? And if it happened, it was a mistake. At the absolute worst time ever. At the one time he didn't want one with her. Was fate stepping back in? Was this the universe telling him he was wrong?

She handed him a glass of water and he took a long sip, feeling the cold spread through his chest, attempting to numb his heart. "If you're bluffing again, so help me, Kristin…" he started once he could speak.

She reached into her purse and slid a piece of paper to him. "It's the pregnancy test results from the doctor. I didn't think you'd believe me on my word. But, Kevin, I'm not going to trap you with this. You're free to go."

He glared at her, forcing air into his lungs. "You know damn well this does change everything."

"Does it?" she asked, leaning back. "If you love her so much…"

"If it's mine?" he said, looking at her angrily. "I'm not leaving my child, Kristin. You know that."

"Well, the Kevin I know wouldn't, but you haven't quite been acting like the Kevin I know for a few months now. You've been someone else's Kevin."

"And apparently, you've been someone else's Kristin," he snapped quickly. He dropped his forehead into his palm, feeling tears forming behind his eyes. This was definitely a feeling of being overwhelmed. A baby…possibly his child. A grandchild…niece or nephew… A child his father would never know, and his mother would spoil. A child that would bring them back together like Jerry had hoped; a child that would pull everything apart for him and Jana; the end of being with Jana ever again. And it all hung on a maybe…a possibility.

"Kevin?" Kristin asked, her voice sincerely filled with concern.

"I need some air," he said abruptly, pushing his chair back. He squared his shoulders and attempted to walk nonchalantly to the bar near the entrance. Fuck air, he needed a drink. "Tequila," he said to the bartender and tossed it back quickly once it was placed in front of him. Then he squared his shoulders again and went to stand outside.

"I just can't believe it," Leslie said, handing Jana another drink and sitting across from her.

Jana leaned forward to stub out her cigarette and wiped a tear from her cheek before taking a swallow of the drink. She didn't even care what it was. All she wanted to do was be drunk so she could finish the story. "She is," she said. "And it may not even be his! Suddenly I don't feel so awful about him cheating on her. But she's still going to win. If it's his, he's staying."

She had managed to stay calm, mostly quiet during Kevin's phone call, and since then, the silence around her had seemed fragile. Any loud noise, any loud thought seemed to have threatened her composure. But saying the words out loud finally shattered her thoughts and she burst into tears.

"I think I'm even more stupid than he is. I mean, I knew he was married, right? Like they ever leave their wife? They never leave their wife. Ever. But I was dumb enough to think he would. I just couldn't see beyond that inner teenager being in love with the football star again, could I?" She blinked at Leslie in bewilderment. "I never should have gotten involved with him. I knew it'd bite me in the ass." She took another swallow of the drink, draining half the glass. "I let him do it to me again, Leslie!"

Leslie knelt up and put her arms around Jana. "I saw the way he looked at you! I don't think you were stupid."

"But I knew him better than you! I knew him way back when…and I knew! I knew he'd leave again! I didn't want to lose him again, Leslie!" She dropped her head down on Leslie's shoulder. "I really didn't want to lose him again. And I don't even know if I did!" She pulled back from her. "I mean, how fucked up is this? He slept with his wife and I'm upset! And he keeps saying he's going to work it out and we'll be okay, and I'm still sitting here wanting to believe him! I'm still in love with him, Leslie and you just know I wouldn't put up with this shit from anyone else! I'm the mistress! I'm the one that's wrong, but I'm pissed because he slept with the woman he married!! This is beyond fucked up!"

She dropped back into the couch cushions and reached for another cigarette with shaking hands. "Not to mention that he kissed someone else, on top of that! I'm just asking to be fucked over, aren't I? I mean, tell me where to stand so I can have a ton of bricks dropped on my head! Why, Leslie? Why am I doing this?"

Leslie sat back on her heels and shook her head. "Baby, if I knew why we do half the things we do when we're in love, I'd be making a mint on the tell-all book. You're in love with him. It's just that simple." She lifted her shoulders and looked at Jana helplessly.

"I know," Jana moaned. "And I don't want to be anymore! I want to be adult about all this! I want to be able to tell him to go to hell! But I just go stupid the second I hear his voice! I just melt and want to believe everything he says." She picked up her drink and took another swallow, placing it heavily down on the coffee table. "I'm so fucking stupid!"

"I'm going to go out on a limb here," Leslie said, settling on the floor next to the coffee table, "but if you want my honest opinion? I think he's confused, but I don't think he's lying to you. You may want to think you're stupid, but I saw the two of you together, Jana. He's not that good an actor. No one is. ."

"But then…what do I do, Les?"

"Get on with your life and see what happens?" Leslie offered.

"Can I make a voodoo doll?" Jana joked, lifting her head up and widening her eyes. "I can put hexes on him so that any other woman he looks at makes him sick to his stomach!"

"Jana, honey, he's male," Leslie laughed. "There ain't no spell on the planet that will make any male not see breasts and get an instant hard-on if they're perky enough!"

"You're not helping," Jana droned, dropping her head back and wiping her cheeks.

"Sorry." Leslie took a drink, reaching for the cigarettes. "But, look, there's nothing you can do until he knows, right? Try to put him out of your head, work on your routines, teach your classes, hang out with your friends… If he comes back to you, he's yours, right?"

"I love him, Leslie," Jana said, slouching in the seat and exhaling a stream of smoke. "But I can't fool myself into thinking this is ever gonna be all that. I already know that."

"And I believe you're going to walk away, right," Leslie said sarcastically. "What if he calls you?"

"I'm not answering his calls," she said.

"What if he shows up again?"

"He won't," she said decisively. "I think he got the hint that I don't want to see him."

"That makes him all the more likely to show up…unless, that's what you're secretly hoping?"

"I'm hoping to come to my senses," Jana said, leaning forward to stub out the cigarette and finish her drink. "I can join the hundreds of fans in the world that can only have Kevin-Backstreet in their fantasies, only mine will be a based a bit more on fact than fiction. Damn him. You know how when you're depressed, you can't listen to the radio?" Jana said, her voice soft and distant. "That's what I was sitting here thinking." Leslie pulled away again and smoothed a hand down Jana's arm. "I was sitting here," she lifted the phone slightly, "thinking how much this is going to suck because not only are the love songs going to be impossible, I have to contend with hearing the love songs sung by the person that…"

"Oh, Jana!" Leslie soothed, holding her arm tightly. "We'll start listening to classic rock or something then. Love stinks?" Leslie smiled, comforting her without words. The last time he'd disappeared, it had been the same sense of lost bewilderment and disbelief. It had taken her awhile to cry then too, and Stacy had sat by her side for hours…days?…waiting to comfort her when it hit.

When it did, she'd been sitting outside in her backyard writing him a letter, sure he would at least write once he was settled. The sun had been warm on her back. She'd been wearing a sleeveless tee shirt and a pair of jean shorts, sitting on a burgundy towel and listening to the radio. Suddenly, she'd become aware of lyrics in her head and she looked at the little radio and lost all composure.

'So soon just after you've gone
My senses sharpen
But it always takes so damn long
Before I feel how much my eyes have darkened…'

A dance song by Duran Duran...and anger had come rushing from nowhere.

'It's so easy to disturb with a thought, with a whisper with a careless memory…'

Careless memory…that was what had set her off. She had focused on those two words, letting herself realize that that was what she was to him. A careless memory...would he also turn into that? A careless memory...all those nights they spent at the Bend, at the diner, at school dances, school plays, with their friends, at parties, the football games…

Strangely enough, it was the anger that had hit her first, but once she'd thrown the notebook aside and chucked the pen across the yard, she'd realized it wasn't just a careless memory. The impact of him actually being gone without a word had hit her then, along with the frightening thought that everything she felt had been for nothing...meant nothing. She had loved him, and he had left, and there had been absolutely nothing at all she could do about any of it. The daze had lifted and she'd started crying. Looking back, she wasn't even sure how long she missed him, but it had taken weeks before she wanted to eat or go anywhere. Stacy had simply been too young to understand any of it, so she'd just tried to make her play or take her to the pool. She'd been particularly nice for a while, too. For a little sister, that was a pretty big accomplishment.

Jana hadn't spoken to Nicole ever again, so when school started, she'd had to deal with whispers of what happened, Nicole trying to make her jealous, and other people pretending to be nice to find out what happened. Seeing Brian at the hangouts and hearing him talk about what Kevin was up to. Watching everyone look at her through the corner of their eye, waiting to see what she'd do. At least it hadn't been for long. High school had the luxury of impending drama at the drop of a science book. Even if the school had forgotten, it hadn't stopped her from checking the mail every day for months, or asking if anyone called the second she walked in the door.

No letters, no phone calls ever came, and eventually dancing had started up again, cheerleading, drama club...she'd had new friends, a driver's license, school dances, school plays, football games and a new boyfriend to take her to the prom.

Life went on, didn't it? Even when he'd come home, life still went on. Although she didn't actually ask if she had any calls, or check the mail the second it came, she'd still looked once she knew he was home. She'd known about his father's sickness, and she'd given him the benefit of the doubt that he was just, rightly, preoccupied with that. And after his father's death, she had realized he wasn't going to contact her and she'd managed to avoid places he might go.

So, would it all be the same all over again? Would it be easier now that they weren't bound to the same small town? Would she be able to move past it more easily because he did call to tell her what was happening?

But this time, she had been older and she had still fallen for him. She still loved him and she'd understood the consequences. Even knowing them, she hadn't held back from him, and she'd let herself love him completely, physically as well this time. She had gotten used to his voice on her phone, in her ear. She was used to his laugh and teasing again. She was used to how he felt when he slept beside her, how he'd reach for her hand when they walked together.

"This is going to be so hard, Les," she whispered, holding more tightly.

Jana still wasn't taking his calls. Kevin let the cell phone ring and hung up when it switched over to voicemail. No point in leaving a message when she hadn't returned the previous messages. He could hear the water running in the bathroom again, knowing Kristin was getting sick again with her morning sickness. Part of him did feel for her. She spent at least an hour each morning leaning over the toilet getting sick and couldn't even smell pork for some reason. All he could do was sit and wait, trying desperately to show enthusiasm. It wasn't the baby's fault, right? If it were his, he'd love the baby no matter what. It was the thought of having to settle with Kristin that depressed him. His life would be about settling, wouldn't it?

"I won't be much longer," Kristin called out from the bathroom.

"Fine," he called, trying to keep his voice casual. He looked at his phone, no longer thinking he could make it ring by sheer willpower, and slipped it into his pocket. After today, he could go back to his corner and hide away to lick his wounds. Today he had to be part of the happy couple for the Winter Gala for the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. They'd flown in to Seattle last night and would leave tomorrow afternoon. In public, they were the perfect pair.

Kristin had no problem with it. She smiled brightly and held onto his arm as she'd always done. He just managed to treat it like he did any other professional engagement. He could be polite and manage small talk with everyone around him. It was a good cause, and an important one, otherwise he would have just canceled. He could handle it. He'd have some wine, chit-chat and come back to the hotel and watch more boring, late night television while Kristin slept.

"That went really well, don't you think?" Kristin said, breaking the silence as they entered the hotel room.

Kevin nodded, turning his head and loosening his tie. "Yeah, it was nice," he agreed, sliding his jacket off and heading to the mini-fridge. "You want anything?" he asked.

"No, thanks," she said, sitting on the chair in the room and sliding her shoes off, rubbing her foot. He pulled out a mini-wine bottle and sat back on the foot of the bed, clicking the TV on with the remote. "Kevin," Kristin sighed, falling back into the chair, "do you really have to watch that now? I just want some quiet for a bit." He turned the TV off and tossed the remote lightly onto the mattress as she stretched her legs out to rest her feet on the mattress. He poured the wine into one of the plastic cups and went to his suitcase to get his book. "Kev," Kristin said with a tilt of her head.

"What?" he asked, looking up to her.

"We just spent the whole night together and we barely spoke," she said, resting her hands over her stomach.

He put his book down and looked at her. "Did you enjoy yourself?"

"Yes," she said with a smile.

"Good." He nodded and picked up the book.

"Is this what we're going to be like for the rest of our lives?" Kristin asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

Kevin glanced up from the book and shrugged, sipping the wine. "If it's mine, than, probably." With a nod, he turned back to the book. "I'm trying, okay?"

"Have you told her yet?"

He closed the book, and glanced back to her, forcing himself to remain patient. "Yeah, and now she's not taking my calls. Happy?" He arched an eyebrow and tilted his head.

"No need to be mean about it," she said. "Did you fight?"

"She's a little pissed off that I slept with you, yeah." He looked back down to the book as Kristin snorted in disbelief. "And the reason for that is?"

"She's pissed because you slept with your wife?" she asked, widening her eyes.

"I'm pissed because I slept with my wife," he said. "And I really don't want to get into this right now, okay?"

"I don't want this tension to continue, either, Kevin. We can't spend the rest of our lives only being polite in public."

"I need some more time to just come to terms with all this, okay? I just need…time."

"You really hate the idea of having a baby with me now, don't you?"

"I…" He sighed. "I wasn't expecting it to happen under these circumstances. I kind of had my mind set on other plans, but…" He lifted a shoulder and tilted his head. "If this is the way it is, I'm gonna take responsibility for it."

"That's sentimental," she said dryly, rolling her eyes.

"I'll let you know when I'm more enthusiastic about it, okay?" he returned, copying her tone. "Until I know it's mine, can we just try to get along peacefully?"

"This is what you've been harping on about for the last eighteen months, Kevin," Kristin said, leaning forward and dropping her feet to the floor.

"Not quite, Kris. If it was going to happen, I'd have liked to know for sure it was mine. And I just realized, now that we're in this situation, that maybe I was wrong thinking that having a baby with you would make everything okay."

"You know, I can't decide if you're more pissed because it's keeping you from having her, or if it's because it might be someone else's," she said, clasping her hands together and blinking at him in annoyance. "Which is it, really, Kevin?"

"Until I know whose it is, Kris, I'm really not thinking about it."

"Bullshit," she scoffed. "If you weren't thinking about it, you wouldn't be throwing around your attitude like this. I really don't think you like the idea I slept with someone else."

All he did was shake his head and open the book, trying not to think of what she was asking. She was right, and he knew he had nothing to back up his anger having had done the same thing. She had every right to be with someone else knowing he was. But every time he considered it, pictured it, he felt a hot searing anger in the pit of his stomach and it didn't make any sense, even to himself. "Can we not talk about it?" he muttered. "I did my best not to flaunt what I was doing in front of you."

She gasped indignantly at him. "Now that is the best thing I've heard come out of your mouth about this whole thing! Where the hell do you get off saying you didn't flaunt this? You didn't walk into the hotel room with her that first time I saw you to fuck her? You didn't run off to her room every time we fought? You didn't hide her away when I was around?"

"I didn't go to the press," he snarled. "I didn't make it public."

"I apologized!" she yelled.

"Fat lot of good that did, didn't it?" he asked plainly, snapping the book closed. "And there you are trying to make sure whatever I was doing was so Goddamn wrong, and in the meantime, you're doing the same thing!"

"I wasn't! I didn't let anything happen until you told me it was over! And, yes, I admit it! I did it trying to make you jealous - because I knew you would be! And you are! You don't care as long as you're the one that's screwing around! But if someone else does the same thing to you, you can't even see straight because of your jealousy!"

"No, Kristin," he shook his head at her, "what I'm so pissed about is that you've done nothing but string me along! And you're still stringing me along!" Her eyes widened in disbelief and mockery, but he tossed the book onto the mattress and glared at her. "Yes, Kristin, you! I'm still sitting here waiting to get my fucking life back - and it's still hanging on your last word! You go on, and on about how it's always me getting what I want, but in the end, who is it that got what they wanted? Who is it that's holding a baby over my head until they decide what to do? Every time! When I can't stand the situation and want to leave, you pull out the baby card! 'We'll try.' 'We won't try!' 'My career!' 'You're never home!' But when I get close to making a decision to go, you make the never-ending promises! I just I never thought you'd go to this length just to keep me trapped! So, yeah, I'm pissed off! I'm pissed because what ever it was that I've done with Jana, I never held it over your head and I never threatened empty promises! I did exactly what I said I would do all along! You want to make this, somehow, all my Goddamn fault, and it's not! I'm here only because you're holding a trump card over my head and I won't leave until I know if you're bluffing. Again! And in the meantime, anything I wanted gets destroyed because you have to have your way! So don't even sit there and play victim to my actions! I didn't get us into this! I have no say in getting us out of this! And if you don't like my attitude, well, that's too Goddamn bad!"

Birds In Your Garden Disclaimer | Email Coriander

Read the companion story:
Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

c. 2001, 2002 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.

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