Birds In Your Garden - Chap. 13

"Even with a hangover, you're sleeping in," Leslie said, coming into Jana's room with aspirin and orange juice. Jana was awake, laying on her side and petting Nigel slowly. "We shouldn't have watched those videos last night." Leslie sat on the edge of her bed, causing Nigel to get grumpy and leave.

"It's not the videos," Jana said. "Not entirely." She pushed herself up, took the aspirin and juice and smiled weakly to Leslie. "I'm a bit freaked at my name being used in that one video. I had no idea it was there. But I don't think it meant anything, really."

"I just figured it was some kind of sweet tribute or something."

"I do miss him, though," Jana admitted. "Between seeing those old pictures and being reminded of him back in Kentucky and seeing the newer stuff and being reminded of…well, just who he is now…" She sighed and sipped the juice. "I just miss him."

"So, answer one of his many messages," Leslie offered, but Jana shook her head, drinking again. "Why not?"

"What's the point?" Jana asked. "I just wish…"

"Wish what?"

"That's just it." She slumped against the pillows. "I don't know. I wish for the impossible and that none of this ever happened, I guess. I wish I could have been…more? I keep asking myself why he slept with her again after we were together."

"He slept with her because she was there," Leslie said, shifting back on the mattress and lying on her side. "I really don't think there was any other motive. Habit, maybe?"

"Why do you keep making excuses for him?" Jana asked curiously.

"I'm the last of the great romantics, and you two are my pet project," Leslie said with a sweep of her hand. "I can't help it, Jana. I liked him. A lot. I liked you with him. You didn't freak about him. You didn't change for him. You didn't drop everything for him."

"The hell I didn't!" Jana contradicted, waving a hand. "Hello? Ms. Unemployed thanks to leaving a great tour? Right here."

"You left because of the media attention it would bring. You didn't stop dancing. You got out of an ugly situation the best way you knew how and immediately started auditioning again. You didn't give up completely and follow him around, although he showed you many times he would have been fine with that. You could have taken the easy way out on that, and you didn't."

"Maybe I should have," she said thoughtfully, tilting her head and lifting her eyebrows. "Maybe if I'd stuck around, he wouldn't have taken Kristin to bed."

"Jana, you're not going to like this, but he is still married to her, you know," Leslie said, sitting up. "Until there is no binding document between them…"

Jana lifted her hand and sighed. "I know. I don't have to like it though. And it's not like it was all wishful thinking, either. He said...Kevin...that it was over with her. That he wanted me, remember? I tried to walk away right after he kissed me that very first time, but he told me not to. He told me that it wasn't all what it seemed, and I stuck around to find out what it was. He told me it was us. He, he, he… Not me, me, me. I just wanted so much to believe him."

Leslie dropped her chin in disbelief and stared at her. "Don't even."

"Don't even, what?"

"Don't hand me that 'he, he, he' crap, okay? You weren't dragged kicking and screaming, were you? He didn't make all the moves, or initiate all of the interaction between you. It was mutual and you know it. You wanted him as much as he wanted you - and I don't just mean sexually. If it was just sex, you'd be boasting. You're mourning. You love him as much as I saw him love you."

"And look where it got me!" Jana answered with a lift of her hand. "He's having a baby with his wife."

"We don't know that yet, and he's still calling you."

"He's having a baby with his wife."

"He's still calling you."

"Well, he'll stop soon enough," she said and sighed heavily. "Three a.m. feedings will make him too tired to remember anything but diapers and formula."

"Okay, J," Leslie said with a nod, "dwell a little more on it."

"I can't help it!" Jana whined, pouting. "I'm good at dwelling."

"And pouting," Leslie told her. "And it's going to have to stop."

"How? What's the magic formula?"

Leslie sat up and smiled broadly, opening her palms up to either side easily. "Shopping!"

"Shopping?" Jana asked dryly. "Um, on whose budget?"

"Rainy day, fund," Leslie chanted lightly. "I am your financial advisor, right? I know where your money is, and I know how to get a hold of it, and I set up a rainy day fund. It's raining cats and dogs, and I say we go shopping. A whole new Jana to start a whole new chapter."

Jana grinned and bit her lower lip. "A whole new Jana," she said slowly. "Yeah, I like that." She nodded slowly. "The works. Haircut, clothes…no more tee shirts and lycra capri dance pants. When I step out of the Smithaven Mall, I want people to look at me and wonder where they know me from." She grinned to Leslie. "And when I show my face in Kentucky, I want them to wonder who the hell I am, and maybe I won't be tarred and feathered!"

"We can do that," Leslie said with a nod. "We have the technology."

Jana sat on her bed, sliding her hand over the cover of the yearbook arguing silently with herself. 'Should I? No. Definitely no. But it's addressed to you. But he never mailed it to me. Why?' She ran her hand over the cover again, and thumbed the corner pages. 'He didn't mail them for a reason, right?'

She turned the cover over and slowly went through the book, remembering faces and activities in details she hadn't remembered in years; the cold autumn nights standing on the side of the football field, the sound of the bonfires in the woods, the sound of lockers slamming in the hallways. The memories were as alive as the feelings she felt for Kevin now, but they weren't, were they? It was all memory.

'So are the letters, Jana. They're as real as those videos, your memories…'

She turned the page, finding the envelope stuck in the binding with Kevin's scrawling handwriting across the front. 'It's not like you're reading someone else's letters. It was written to you…'

Slowly, she pulled the envelope out and placed the yearbook aside. Now her fingers ran over the writing. He'd had been thinking of her. At some point, in Florida, he'd had thought of her. Wasn't that enough to know? She had videos, showing just how hard and dedicated he'd been to his career at the time. Even if they had been together, it didn't look like he'd have had a lot of time to spend with her anyway. 'Right?'

Dear Jana -

I don't know where to begin or what to say. I never meant to hurt you and I've thought about you all the time. It's been nuts down here and I'm back living with Jimmy. We're both working at Disney now and I've been out on auditions.

It was really hard when I was home. I couldn't face you, so that's why I didn't stop by. I figure you went on with your life by now anyway.

Anyway…I guess I just wanted to tell you that I never meant to hurt you, or lie to you. I still think about you all the time, but figure you probably don't want to hear from me after all this time. I just wanted to say I was sorry. For everything. I meant it when I said I love you. Still do. I hope you believe me.

It wasn't signed, but it was definitely Kevin's handwriting. She folded the letter, and placed it back into the envelope, letting it rest on her lap, waiting to feel…something. Wondering what she might have done if she had gotten that letter. 'Would it have helped? Would I have contacted him? Would things have been any different than they are now? When had he met Kristin? Was this before or after? Did this make any difference now?'

She slid down into the bed with a heavy breath, releasing tears, but she couldn't figure out where they were coming from, or why. Past pain? Present hurt? What might have been? What may never happen? Because he really had loved her? Because he loves her now?

Jana woke up to the sound of Ryan, Stacy's youngest child, crying, and made her way down the hallway to the kitchen. Her mother was up, already cooking breakfast as Stacy attempted to feed the baby. Lori, Stacy's daughter, was running through the house in her diapers, squealing with laughter for no apparent reason, and Jana reached out and scooped up the girl with a laugh of her own.

"Boo!" Jana teased, kissing the girl's belly as she giggled and squirmed. "What're you doin' running around all naked, Miss Lori?"

Lori didn't bother to answer, just squirmed her way down and ran off again.

"Sorry," Stacy said apologetically.

"For what?" Jana asked, kissing her mother's cheek and stealing a piece of bacon from the plate on the counter. She smoothed a hand over Ryan's head and slid into the seat by the wall in the kitchen.

"Waking you," Stacy said. "You got in so late last night."

"It's fine. What do I have to do today besides sleep?" Jana asked easily.

Her father came in from the living room carrying Lori upside down by her feet as the girl giggled. "You mean you're not wandering off with the adulterer?" he asked. He gently placed Lori down on the floor, watching her roll onto her stomach before she sprung back up and started running.

"The who?" Jana asked, stiffening her expression and voice.

"I think he's referring to Kevin Richardson," her mother said, firmly glaring at her husband before she looked at Jana. "He and his wife are home visiting."

"No, I'm not seeing Kevin anymore," Jana said, trying to keep her voice even.

"Good to see you've come to your senses," her father said, sitting down at the head of the table. "I know we raised you better than that."

Jana slowly turned her head to look at her father. "When did you get the full story of what happened?"

"What full story?" Stacy asked, wiping Ryan's chin with the baby spoon.

"Exactly," Jana said with a nod. "You don't know, and you have no right to judge me."

"Is he or is he not married?" her father asked. Jana just rolled her eyes and sighed. "He is. Therefore, any kind of relationship with him outside of platonic is morally wrong."

"Oh, give me a break," Jana said with a tilt of her head.

"The Bible says…" Stacy started.

"The Bible says you can't wear cotton and linen at the same time, too," Jana interrupted. "Do you get to pick and choose the rules you want, or are you supposed to follow them all blindly?"

"Blindly?" Stacy gasped. "One has nothing to do with the other!"

"According to whom?" Jana challenged. "Maybe I take offense when you blend your fabrics."

"I was really hoping we'd be able to have a nice, quiet Christmas," her mother interrupted, putting the bacon and a bowl of scrambled eggs on the table. "She's not seeing him anymore, Tom." She looked to her husband. "It's over now."

"It's not over," Jana said with a shake of her head.

"But you just said you weren't seeing him," Stacy said.

"That doesn't mean I'm over it," Jana said. "That doesn't mean that I'm not still in love with him."

"He's only going to continue to break your heart," Tom said. "Why can't you find yourself a nice, unattached boy?"

"What if he divorced Kristin?" Jana asked, looking directly to him. "Would he be morally acceptable then, or is divorce frowned upon as well?"

"Once you are married, that's it," Stacy said with a shrug, sitting in the chair opposite her. "You're married. There is no divorce. Only death."

"And what are you? The Stepford Wives Association president?" Jana asked in disbelief.

"I am married to someone who wouldn't think of cheating on me," Stacy said proudly. "Randy understands what marriage is about."

"I don't believe this," Jana said slowly to no one, shaking her head.

"Can we please just have a nice breakfast?" her mother asked, sitting opposite of her husband at the head of the table, reaching her hands out to Stacy and Jana and bowing her head for prayer.

Jana let her hands be held as everyone else lowered their heads in prayer, but she could only look around the table in confusion. She'd known her family didn't agree with her relationship with Kevin, but even so, this was more than she'd expected. Bible quotes and no such thing as divorce? It made her wonder who had captured her understanding family and replaced them with this one. She liked Randy, but she had a hard time believing he was worth all that much devotion should something destructive happen down the line. Whatever happened to being allowed to be happy? Wasn't there room in their Bible to be happy and leave something that was destructive?

"Amen," her family mumbled and Tom looked at Jana expectantly.

"Amen," Jana said quickly, pulling her hands back.

"How was the drive?" her mother asked.

"Fine," Jana answered, feeling slightly uneasy.

"Why didn't you just fly in?" Tom asked, helping himself to a large portion of eggs and handing the bowl to her.

She scooped a small amount on her plate and passed it along. "It was cheaper to drive, and I wanted some alone time to think."

"Any work yet?" Tom asked, avoiding her gaze.

"Not yet," she answered, glancing to her mother. "I've been on a few auditions, though, and working at the gym."

"How is Leslie, dear?" her mother asked.

How is it possible her mother lived with these people? Jana wondered. She felt the same way Jana did, she could just tell. She looked uneasy and nervous, looked at Jana apologetically when she caught Jana's eyes. She didn't believe in their Bible thumping either, so how did she do this on a daily basis?

"Doesn't she know some single guys?" Stacy asked curiously.

Jana put her fork down and forced the mouthful of egg down her throat. "Since when did I have to get married off?"

"I didn't say marry," Stacy said looking at her, "I just asked if she had any single guy friends."

"Why, Stacy? So I can have the same mundane life as you? Picking up after stuffed animals and wiping snot from a baby's nose? Maybe, if I'm lucky I can vacuum and cook dinner for my man?"

"Jana!" her mother exclaimed.

"It's a heck of a lot more rewarding than prancing around half naked on a stage in front of hundreds of strangers!" Stacy answered.

"Thousands," Jana corrected snidely. "Tens of thousands. Sold out crowds, darling."

"Enough!" Tom bellowed, dropping his fork loudly on the plate. Jana pushed her chair back and stood up. "Where do you think you're going now?"

"Home," Jana answered, looking at each of them. "You can continue to discuss and demean my life without me being present." She lifted her hands up and crossed out of the room, heading back down the hallway.

"Tom," her mother scolded.

"Mary..."

"That's our daughter, Tom, not a parishioner," Mary said as she headed out after Jana. "This is our kitchen table, not a Bible study."

Mary knocked lightly, opening the bedroom door to find Jana zipping up her suitcase. "You're really going?" Mary asked in surprise.

"I'm sorry, mom, but I'm not taking a week of that," Jana said, pointing to the door. "I don't know what the hell happened, but that is not my family."

"They just don't understand," Mary said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Doesn't sound to me like they're all that open to try, either." Jana sat on the other side of the suitcase and looked at her mother. She was about the same size as Jana and had the same coloring, although her blonde hair was now touched with silvery gray strands. Her eyes were the same green as Jana's, and she had deep laugh lines that made Jana think she must have had a good time somewhere along the way. "I don't know how you can stand it with them."

Mary nodded slowly and smiled slightly. "When you were little..." Mary started, reaching her hand out on top of the suitcase for Jana's, patting it and squeezing it with a smile, "...when you were little, you were the one that was always into everything." She looked at Jana and shook her head slightly. "Lucky for me, you were a thoughtful child, so I'd be able to see you studying something before you reached out and tried to pull it apart. But, you were the one that wanted to see and explore. I'd constantly lose you in a store because you would just wander off, impatient. You wanted to be there, wherever there was." She smiled with the memories in her head. "Stacy always did what she was told. If I told her to wait on the corner, she'd wait on the corner no matter who told her she wasn't allowed to stand there. She always followed the rules and just accepted what people said to be true because she has a gentle, trusting soul."

"Please tell me I'm not imagining things. Please tell me you understand what I've done."

Looking back up with a smile, Mary squeezed Jana's hand again. "I do understand, Jana. I had to resign myself to losing you early on because I just knew you'd be the one that would spread her wings and fly. And I knew you'd be the one that would be able to capture love and cling on to it because to you, there are no rules when it comes to your heart. You just let yourself feel on the purest of levels. That's why you can dance so beautifully, and that's why you love so strongly. You just feel and follow your heart where your father and sister follow the rules."

"And what about you?" Jana asked, leaning her elbows on the suitcase and dropping her chin into her palms. "What do you do?"

"Love each of you for your talents and abilities," Mary answered with a smile, smoothing her hand over Jana's cheek.

"I can't stay here, mom," Jana said with a shake of her head. "I can't be lectured and ganged up on. Not right now. It hurts enough as is without being told how wrong I was in the first place."

"What happened?"

Jana sat up and looked down sadly. "Kristin's pregnant," she answered quietly. "He slept with her a few weeks ago and it turns out she got pregnant. He won't leave her now. And I can understand that, but it hurts; that he slept with her, and that he won't leave, and that she's going to have his baby."

"You were so smitten with him in high school," Mary said, shaking her head. "And you made such a striking couple. He seemed like such a nice boy."

"He still is," Jana defended. "It's the circumstances that aren't nice. It's not necessarily a reflection of him. I need to believe he loved me, mom, and I really don't think I'm lying to myself thinking that he did…does. I know the story behind why he's married. And I'm sorry, but God shouldn't honor marriages made under those pretenses. To hell with the vows and the Bible - don't we need to live this life before we worry about the next one?"

Mary nodded slowly and offered a gentle smile. "That's exactly what I was talking about, Jana. You follow your heart wherever it will lead you, taking things apart to understand the whole picture. Some people just need more guidelines in their lives, dear. If you're meant to be with Kevin, something will work out for you to be with him. And if you are supposed to be with him, those around you will come to understand eventually."

"Well, it doesn't matter because he's not leaving her with a baby," Jana said and stood up. "And right now, I can't be faced with fire and brimstone for having fallen in love with him again."

"I wish you'd change your mind," Mary said, looking up at her.

Jana sat back down and took her mother's hand, squeezing gently. "To be honest, mom, I didn't want to come in the first place, but I figured I should because maybe being around something familiar and being with my family was what I needed. But what I really needed was that time alone. I'll make plans to come visit after New Year's, okay? Right now, I think I just need to take a nice, slow drive back home and let myself heal that heart I keep following."

Kevin stared at Kristin, wanting to strangle and hug her simultaneously. He watched the taxi driver put her luggage in the trunk and she climbed in the back, barely waving as it drove out of site, leaving him standing on the porch in the frigid wind, watching the red tail lights disappear around the bend in their drive.

'That's why I didn't want you to tell your family yet," Kristin said, looking at him nervously and twisting the bottom of her sweater in her fingers. "It's not yours."

It's not yours. The words could barely sink in before he heard the taxi outside and she came out of the bedroom with her suitcase. She was going home to her parents. All she wanted to do was see his family once more without them hating her. He kept the pregnancy a secret, lied for her when his mother asked if everything was okay. The lies just kept going beyond breaking up he and Jana, and Kristin disappeared into the evening with a kiss on the cheek before he could even begin to respond.

When he went back inside, there was an envelope sitting on the coffee table with a red bow and candy cane. Kevin sat down on the couch and stared into the fire for a long time, hearing the wind blow against the window and the silence of the rest of the house, holding the envelope in his hands.

He didn't want the back-story. He didn't want to know how it happened. But his hands opened the envelope and his eyes widened as he dropped the papers on the coffee table again; separation papers, signed. It was almost more than he could stand.

He tried calling Jana, but only got another voicemail. She was supposed to be coming home, but he didn't know when or what her parents phone number was. He wasn't sure he wanted to talk to them anyway. She'd have told them what happened by now if she was home. He dialed her number again, having to clear his throat before he found his voice to leave a message. Once he did, he called Tim's number, dropping back into the soft over-stuffed cushions of the couch.

"Tim? What's happening there?" he asked. As if Tim could read his thoughts, he'd offered to go over. "Ah, yeah," he answered and hung up.

Maybe he sounded as strange to everyone else as he sounded to himself. Shouldn't he be happy about this? He picked up the separation papers and looked at the signature and dropped them back down on the table with a shake of his head. He should be happy about this. He nodded into the cushions and took a deep breath. He was happy, he thought. Confused, but…angry too. But, yeah, happy - or he would be if he was able to pick up the pieces Kristin made him leave behind.

It's not yours. Why did that hurt so much? He didn't particularly want to have a baby right now, but he had spent the last three weeks convincing himself it was his… He rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palms and exhaled heavily. Tim wouldn't be there for another half hour, easily, and everything seemed surreal around him.

Again, he picked up his phone, but this time, he dialed Kristin's number. "Why were you fighting this so hard?"

"Because I'd have preferred it be yours," she said. "Maybe he'll be the right one, Kev. I don't know, but I'm not going to make you raise a child you don't really want in the first place and know it's not yours."

"You didn't even love him?"

"Let's not go there, okay?" she said, warning creeping into her voice. "I did what I did. You did what you did. We both were wrong, okay?"

"You're sure it's not mine?" he questioned. "I mean, absolutely, one hundred percent sure?"

"You got what you wanted Kevin."

"I'm finding all this really hard to figure out."

"What's so hard? It's not yours. You found the envelope, right?"

"Yeah."

"So? You're free Kevin. We'll work out the details once we're home, and I'm moved in with Kirk." He didn't answer her, letting it all sink in. "Kevin?"

"Yeah?"

"Hang up," she said. "Get your head together. It's for the best, right?"

"Have a good flight," he said and clicked the phone off, still feeling unsettled and confused.

Birds In Your Garden Disclaimer | Email Coriander

Read the companion story:
Oreos for Breakfast (Nick Fanfic)
by The Pumpkin Coach & Paperbag Princess

c. 2001, 2002 by Coriander
Some content not suitable for children. You have been warned.

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