Kevin

Kevin closed his eyes tightly as the liquid burned the back of this throat all the way down. Doing his best not to shudder and cringe at the harsh taste, he shook his head and released a hot breath, feeling as if the moonshine was evaporating as he did so. 100 proof, fresh from Jimmy's father's still, this was as pure as it got. It smelled like the alcohol he rubbed on his sore knees or shoulders after practice, and probably tasted pretty much the same, too.

"So, where is she?" Kenny asked, looking around at the rest of the kids hanging out near the river bend.

Kevin looked around, barely seeing the faces in the darkness. "She's not here yet."

"She told you she was coming, right?"

"I guess so. I just told her I'd be here and asked if she was coming. She said she was." He attempted another shot and washed it back with a swallow of beer. "Probably…that means yes, doesn't it?"

"With a girl?" Kenny asked, taking the moonshine from Kevin. "Who the hell knows?"

"Wait…" Kevin sat up a bit and smiled, attempting to look calm, but he wiped his hands on his jeans and then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "She's here."

Kenny sputtered a laugh and nudged Kevin. "Whoa, man! You just totally freaked out, didn't you?"

"Hell no!" Kevin protested, keeping his eye on Jana and her friend as they stood near some of the other cheerleaders. "You wanted to know where she was. Well…that's her."

"I'm gonna guess it's the blonde? What the hell am I saying? Of course it's the blonde! Like there's anything else on your radar?"

"Legs, boobs, butts…hair color is the least of my concerns," Kevin crowed, knowing he was lying through his teeth. What he liked most about Jana wasn't any of the above. It was the sound of her laughter, and the way she looked at people when they talked. He liked the way she blushed when he caught her looking at him.

"Yeah, right." Kenny handed him the bottle again and Kevin took another swallow before another beer chaser. He knew he was trashed by now, could feel it when the world started turning before he turned his head to grin at Kenny. "So, what're you waiting for? Go talk to her."

"I don't want to look desperate, man..."

"Don't look desperate, but at least look interested. She's looked over here three times already."

"Ken? Honestly? I'd get up if I could feel something beneath my knees, but I don't," Kevin laughed. "I don't think falling flat on my face would make a very good impression, do you?"

Kenny laughed. "It would break the ice."

"Or my neck. And that would really suck for the team. We got a game this week."

"Team, team, team…" Kenny teased.

"Hey, Kevin."

Kevin lifted his head up to see Jana standing over him. "Hey…" he started, immediately forgetting her name. The world was suddenly spinning around him.

"Jana," she told him, looking to her friend with her eyebrow lifted. "Have a little bit to drink?"

"He's wasted, yeah. Waiting for you to show, I think," Kenny answered for him, shaking his head and getting elbowed in the ribs by Kevin for doing so.

"Mmm," Jana barely replied with the slightest shake of her head. "Well…I'll see you Monday." Before Kevin could stop her, she was walking away with her friend leaning in and giggling.

"Well, that was fucked," Kevin mumbled.

"Go fix it," Kenny suggested. "Get those brain cells rubbing against each other first though, man. Damn, I never saw you get stupid in front of some girl before."

"Don't think I ever did." He looked at Kenny, blinking him into focus and handing him his half-empty beer bottle. "Take this away from me, man. That shit's got me totally fucked."

"Moonshine, dude, it does that," Kenny teased. "You'll be puking your guts up pretty soon. That'll make a good impression."



He could feel himself blushing when Jana came out of her house Monday morning, smiling and waving slightly. She closed the car door and looked at him with a teasing gleam in her eye. "Have you sobered up yet, or should I ask my ma to drive me this morning?"

He exhaled and pulled away. "I'm sorry about that," he told her sheepishly. "I got way outta hand Friday night."

"Gee, ya think?" she asked ironically with a laugh. "You forgot my name!"

"I forgot my name, Jana!" he laughed, noticing her mint green sweater. "Kenny got some grain alcohol and, hell, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

She scrutinized him. "You're not too bright sometimes, are you?"

"You're not too sympathetic sometimes, are you?" he replied with his own grin.

"When you deserve sympathy, sure. You were just stupid." She lifted a shoulder easily. "I hope you weren't driving."

He shook his head. "Hell, no! It was Mickey's turn to drive." She nodded, trying to hide a grin. "What?"

"Was that any smarter than driving drunk?" she laughed?.

"Probably not," he laughed, liking how playful her glances were. She was definitely warming up to him and acting a lot calmer these last few days since he'd started driving her. Michelle was getting rides with another cheerleader now, so it was just them and Mickey, and Mickey was starting to complain about sitting in the back. Not that Kevin was going to change the arrangement. He liked looking over and seeing Jana next to him, and a couple of times, he'd wanted to reach over and just hold her hand, if could get up the courage to do it.

"How was the hangover?"

"Not too bad," he said, his own surprise in his voice. "I thought for sure I'd be sicker than a dog, but..." He lifted his shoulder and shook the bangs off his forehead.

She laughed and looked at him again. "You barfed, didn't you?"

He was definitely blushing now. "Yeah," he admitted in a mumble, causing her to laugh harder. "Oh, shut-up," he teased. "You never drank too much?"

"I never drank too much, no," she told him proudly. "I never drank to drink too much."

"Oh, come on!" he scoffed in disbelief. "Never?" She just shrugged and shook her head. "You're kidding, never, ever?"

"Kevin? I have to go home to my parents," she explained. "I kind of like living at the moment. Seeing daylight before I turn thirty is a pretty good incentive."

"They'd freak?"

"They'd kill me and everyone I was with, yeah. Your parents are okay with it?"

"My parents don't really know," he said. "They might suspect on occasion, but it's not like I go out and do that every weekend, either."

"Good to know," she said quickly, turning her head away this time just in time for them to pull up to Mickey's house. Any conversation between them would stop now. Mickey usually talked the remainder of the drive to school, and Jana never really had much to add to his conversation.

If Kevin didn't get his courage up soon and ask her to the dance, he knew he was going to lose his chance. He didn't normally like going to the dances, but this one was Homecoming and all the team usually went. Besides, it was his last Homecoming, and this year, he'd promised himself he was going to make the best of being a senior. That included having a girlfriend…and he wanted that girlfriend to be Jana. These last few days had convinced him of that.

"So, you're still dancing?" Kevin asked, mid-conversation with Mickey.

It confused them both, but Jana turned from looking out the window to smile at him. "Yeah," she answered.

"How long does that go to?" he asked.

"7:30," she answered.

"When does the…I don't know, season? I mean, does it last all year?"

"The classes usually run like thirteen weeks or so, but I take them continually, so it doesn't really end. Around Christmas I have a few weeks off, but I go in for private lessons then. Butt it's not every day like I do now."

"Why would you want to dance on your vacation?" Mickey asked, almost disgusted at the idea.

She turned and looked over her shoulder. "To get a scholarship to a top dance school in New York."
That answer caught Kevin's attention. "New York?"

"I want to go to Juilliard, or the American School of Ballet," she answered seriously. "I've been working all summer on my audition pieces, and I'll probably go up this winter to try out and see if I can get in."

"Dang…" Kevin said, completely impressed and surprised. "Think you'll get in?"

"I'd better," she answered. "It's what I've been planning on doing forever."

"So, this dance thing," Kevin said, coming up behind Jana as she stood at her locker between classes.

"Oh, hi." She smiled at him, reaching to get one of her books from the locker shelf.

His palms were beginning to sweat. "Do you just do ballet, or do you do other dancing too?"

Again she smiled, but this time, it was as if she could read his mind and anticipate what he was going to say. "I do all sorts of dancing. Why?"

"Well," he began, looking to the floor briefly before glancing up through his bangs, "I was wondering if you might maybe want to go to this homecoming dance with me."

"Sure," she said easily, holding back a huge grin.

"Okay," he nodded, feeling his heartbeat slow to a more calming rhythm, "good."

She nodded back at him, looked down to the floor and then back up. "Good, yeah."

"All right, so…I'll, uh…see you later? After practice?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Okay."

It was awkward, but not a bad awkward. More like something they'd both been expecting, or waiting for, finally happening, yet neither one of them had planned on what to say beyond that point. Not knowing what else to do, he moved into the swarm of students making their way down the hall and looked back, seeing her watching him with a huge grin.

'Score for Kevin Richardson!'



Mary peered into the bedroom, as Kevin lay with Jana in the late afternoon. He ran his fingers through Jana's hair slowly and turned his head to smile at her mother.

"She's sleeping?" Mary whispered. Kevin nodded and looked down to Jana. "You've missed her, haven't you?" He nodded as Mary came into the room and pulled a blanket up over Jana's legs, looking down to her with a gentle smile. Jana rolled away from Kevin with a slight grumble, and Kevin quietly slipped off the bed, rubbing his arm. He followed Mary out of the room with a slight smile. "I did miss her an' all, but dang…my arm's asleep."

"You're very good to her," Mary said, sitting at the kitchen table.

"I love her," he said simply, opening the refrigerator door. "You want something?"

Mary shook her head and leaned back into the chair. "She's loved you from day one."

Kevin sat down with a bottle of juice and rested his arms on the table. "I think I loved her too, or close to it."

"I didn't know you well back then, but you did make a cute couple." Mary smiled more widely. "Oh, she'd come home from school, and it was 'Kevin said this' and 'Kevin did that.' And then every night she'd have to go through her closet to make sure she looked good for when you picked her up. Those first few weeks? It was a nightmare!"

"She always looked good, though," Kevin said, chuckling "Didn't look like she tried, for what it's worth."

"And here I am telling her secrets." She patted Kevin's arm gently. "But I have to say it; after all that time, I'm still glad it was you she married. Even Tom admits that. I still think you were always in the back of her mind somewhere; giving something to rate her boyfriends against, how you treated her…before you left, that is."

"I'm never going to live that down, am I?"

"You already have," Mary assured him. "I have three beautiful grandchildren. I'll forgive you anything."

"They're something, aren't they? I keep looking at Shannon and telling myself I'm getting the chance to see Jana grow up."

Mary shook her head, giving Kevin a knowing glance. "Maybe looks-wise, but Lyric is the one you need to study. Lyric is Jana all over again. She has no fear, abundant energy and doesn't understand why she can't do everything she wants. She's going to test everything you say, and she'll prove you wrong every chance she gets."

"I think I already figured that out. I don't know whether to be scared or proud."

"Both!" Mary laughed. "I know Jana says she's watching you grow up through Liam."

Kevin nodded. "My ma says the same thing. I don't think I was this much of a handful though. I was always an angel." Mary's expression became doubtful, making Kevin laugh. "Okay, so maybe I wasn't always an angel…but still…"

"We're all little devils at some point," Mary said, resting her hand over his and squeezing it lightly with a warm smile. "And some of those looks you give Jana sometimes? There's still a little bit of mischievous devilry in you."

Jana pulled away, exhaling deeply and closing her eyes. "Not gonna happen, Kev," she said breathlessly. She ran her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath as Kevin dropped his head back against the headrest. "It's just going way too fast for me," she said, sounding apologetic.

He tried to reassure her, ignoring the beating of his heart and the growing throb in his groin. "I understand." Too fast for her, maybe, but it had been weeks of the same thing: kissing in the car until neither of them could breathe. Every time he tried moving just the slightest bit further, she'd inevitably pull back and tell him no.

"I'm just not…I don't know, comfortable?" she tried to explain, leaning over to kiss him gently.

Trying to reassure him, he figured, but it only frustrated him more. He turned to her, pulling back himself. "Why, Jan? What's not right about this?"

"I don't know," she whispered. "Being cramped in the car? Only going together a few weeks? I've never done anything like this before?"

Immediately he knew it was that last line that was holding her back more than anything else. "We're not doing anything major, Jana," he said gently.

"I know…"

"It's not like we can get into any kind of trouble," he continued. "You can't get pregnant or anything. I just..." He moved slightly closer and kissed her again. "I want to really feel you, that's all." He kissed her again, a little longer, still staying slow and gentle, but his hand rested high on her waist. She seemed to stiffen up a bit, but he didn't move his hand any further until she relaxed into his kiss. Once she did, he moved slightly higher until his thumb was resting beneath her breast. "See?" he whispered. "The world's not ending," he teased playfully, kissing her several times quickly as he lifted his palm over her breast. "Is this uncomfortable?"

She placed her hand over his and closed her eyes with deep exhale. "Not really." He squeezed the softness beneath his palm gently, listening to her exhale again, and kissed her warmly, exploring her mouth with his tongue. He didn't dare try anything more for a long time, letting her get comfortable with his touch and caresses. Then, he placed his other hand on her waist, this time reaching slightly beneath to feel the warmth of her skin against his palm. "You're really pushing your luck, Richardson," she warned between kisses.

He laughed lightly, retreating. "Can't blame a guy for trying, can you?"

"You've broken through one barrier for today, why don't you quit while you're still ahead."

In between more kissing, he continued to tease. "I always go for that extra point, though, Jana."

"Make another football analogy, and you're going to be feeling yourself up," she told him, reaching down to move his hand away. "Maybe this is going to end things, but I think it's only fair to say... I'm not going to sleep with you, Kevin."

That broke the mood entirely, and he pulled back slowly. "End things?" he asked, confused. "You think I'm only here to get laid?"

"I don't know," she answered, leaning back against the car door. "But if that's some sort of criteria, than you're dating the wrong person."

"Criteria?" he balked, furrowing his forehead in confusion. "Jana…don't even…no! That's not…" He took a moment to figure out what she was trying to tell him, trying to figure out what she was thinking of him. "That's not what I'm…I mean, it would be nice, don't get me wrong, but no…that's not why I'm here with you. That's not the reason I asked you out or anything. I like you. I think you're damn cute, funny…smart. It's not just to…get laid. Hell, I've only..." He just shook his head and exhaled deeply. "That's not why I'm here with you."

"You've only what?" she asked, seeming to get more comfortable against the door.

"Slept with one person…and that was two years ago," he admitted.

"Kristy?"

"No," he said. "You wouldn't know her probably. She went to camp here one summer."

"Oh," she said quietly. "What happened?"

"Camp ended." He shrugged. "We wrote for awhile, but not long."

"And that's it?"

He leaned back against his door, trying to get comfortable. "What do you mean? With her?"

"With anyone… You haven't done anything with anyone else?"

He glanced out the windshield, lifting a shoulder. "What do you mean by 'anything'? I've fooled around with other girls, if that's what you mean, but not gone all the way." He looked at her, trying to show his sincerity. "I'm good at hearing 'no,' Jana. If you don't want to do something, just tell me."

"I am." He could see her twisting her fingers nervously and reached out to place his hand over hers. "I don't want to sleep with anyone until I'm married."

He cracked a smile, trying to lighten the tension. "We're not even close to anything like that. Right now, we're just kissin' in a car." He pulled back and lifted his arms up the best he could. "Look, we both still got all our clothes on. See? Innocent."

She snorted lightly. "Far from innocent, but you're making your point."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"How many boys have you kissed?" he tried sounding playful, still trying to keep the conversation comfortable.

"A few…counting you? Four."

He held back his first comment of 'that's obvious' and settled on nodding. "Your first kiss?"

She giggled this time. "DAnney Schmidt, ninth grade, and it was horrible."

"He's JV, isn't he?"

"Does everything in your life relate to football?" she giggled. "Yes, he's JV now. What about you? When was your first kiss?"

"Sixth grade, and it was pretty horrible too."

"Not anymore," she said quietly, and he was certain he'd be able to see her blushing if they were in any direct light. Right now, there was only faint light from a streetlight.

He leaned over and paused as she leaned closer. "Well, thank you. You're not horrible either." To prove it, he kissed her again, cautiously aware of where he put his hands this time.

"I should head in," she said after awhile. "If I'm late for curfew, my father will kill me."

Kevin chuckled. "He doesn't like me, does he?"

"He likes you," she countered as Kevin started the car. They generally would sit a few doors down and drive around the block to make it look like they'd just arrived instead of having sat outside. "He doesn't like that I'm car dating, or that he can't keep his eye on you, that's all. He keeps telling me he was a teenage boy once, too, you know."

"Well," he answered with a light shrug and smile to Mary. "I guess somewhere in there we're still teenagers,"

"That's a good way to be," Mary said lightly, looking out towards the porch. "Let me go see what those kids are up to." Kids squealed and giggled moments later, and Kevin sat back to listen their banter.

The house was quiet and everyone was in bed except for Kevin, who was sitting out on the porch. He turned to look when he heard the screen door squeak, seeing Jana stepping out in a pair of his boxers and an oversized tee shirt. All he did was stretch an arm out, and she curled up on the porch swing next to him, resting her head lazily on his shoulder with a yawn. "You should have woken me up," she said quietly.

He kissed the top of her head, listening to the frogs and crickets in the darkness for a moment. "You needed the sleep, darlin'," he said quietly, shifting a bit in order to wrap both arms around her shoulders. "Besides, you're not missing much outside of a tree frog serenade."

"But I love tree frog serenades," she grumbled playfully. "I've missed them."

He inhaled deeply, kissing her temple. "Sorry. Know what I miss?" He pointed up to the sky. "Look at all those stars," he said, his voice light and airy in wonder.

"A spotlight for every frog," she teased lightly, snuggling closer and resting her hands over his forearms. "How is it that I can forget there are so many stars up there?" He didn't even know how to answer. He always forgot about all of them himself until he came back home to be reminded.

"I'm guessing you slept well?"

"I didn't know where I was when I woke up," she told him. "Took me a minute to figure it out."

"And then you thought you were in a time warp? 'Cause I keep feeling like I am, and then getting brought back into reality by the sounds of little feet and squeaky voices," he chuckled.

"They're not so squeaky anymore, Kev," Jana reminded him.

"Shhh." He put his hand over her mouth, kissing the side of her head again. "Don't remind me."

"In a time warp of your own?" she asked.

"Know what I was thinking?"

"No more, Kevin," she teased. "Three's enough."

"I know and that's not what I was thinking," he chastised. "I was remembering that time we were in high school and up at the Domain, looking up at the stars, talking about what our lives was going to be like. Remember?"

"We did that a few times," she said. "There wasn't a whole hell of a lot else to do."

He laughed lightly, holding her tighter. "And whose fault was that?"

"Hey, you'll be glad I was such a goody-two-shoes when our daughters start dating," she told him.

"Our daughters aren't allowed to date," he corrected her with a shake of his head. "Not until they're thirty-five or so, that is. And even then, I want a full background check, blood and fingerprint samples…"

She nudged him and shook her head. "Get over yourself, Pops. Ain't gonna happen."

"It could," he protested.

She turned slightly, still resting her head against his shoulder as she re-settled. "What's wrong with your daughters lying in the tall grass, watching the stars and talking about their future with someone they love? Deprive your children of the experiences we had? That's not fair."

"Well that part, no. But I know what we were doing before and after, darlin'. And that part?"

"You wouldn't deprive them of that either," she said knowingly. "All our clothes were on; what was the harm, right?"

"Aw, now…" he groaned, his own words haunting him.

"Not so slick now, is it?" she giggled. "Don't worry, Kevy. I'll make sure our girls know how to defend themselves against boys like you."

"How so? You didn't!"

"Ah, but there's a difference," she giggled, kissing his nose quickly. "I didn't want to."

He dropped back slightly, tilting his head in disbelief at her. "And you tell me this now? Dang, woman!"

"Oh, chill." She slapped his arm playfully. "If they're anything like us, he'll skip town anyway and you'll have nothing to worry about."

"Alright! You're not allowed to hold that over my head anymore. It's official. I've made up for that, don't you think?"

"It's just so much fun to watch you get all defensive though," she teased, shifting again to face him. She leaned in to kiss him warmly and ran her hands through his hair, re-positioning herself so that her legs wrapped around his waist on the swing and she was on his lap.

He crinkled his nose at her and shook his head, lifting her hand up. "Right around this little finger," he pointed to her pinkie finger. "This is where you have me, you know that, don't you?"

"Right after Liam, Shannon, and Lyric," she agreed with a nod. "You're just a big 'ol softie. And gettin' softer in your old age."

"Watch it, woman," he teased, grabbing her waist with both his hands. "I'll dump you right into that pond I'm building with your dad."

"And give me pneumonia on top of everything? Some husband!"

"Oh, now…!" He scowled playfully. "We won't be going through any of that again, alright?"

"Deal. But see?" she teased, kissing him quickly. "You're a lot of fun when you're defensive." His only response was to kiss her, holding her close. "And possibly more fun when you're defenseless," she giggled against his chest.

She slid away from him, reaching both hands out to take one of his. "Where're we going?" he asked, but she just shook her head and tugged his hand.

When he stood up, she led him down the porch steps. He immediately felt the cool dew on his feet, and they were halfway across the front yard before she stopped and knelt down. She looked up at him with a playful smile, settling back on her heels, patting the grass next to her. "Let's look at some stars."

"Let's look at some stars," Kevin said, still holding Jana's hand as he knelt down in the long grass. The moon was full and bright, and tonight, they didn't need any flashlight to see the paths. She laughed slightly as she knelt next to him.

He lay back, folding one arm behind his head, and waited for Jana to rest against his shoulder. If they stayed in the car, he was going to start pushing for more, knowing she wasn't ready, and getting out into the cooler air was a good distraction. At least, he hoped it would, but instead of resting on his shoulder like she had once before, she rested her head on his belly.

Aside from the nighttime noises of crickets and frogs, Kevin could hear his heart pounding in his chest, feeling Jana so close to his groin. It was almost impossible to keep his thoughts focused on the millions of stars overhead or what Jana was saying to him while his mind was occupied with silent begging for Jana to move just a few inches lower… shift just a little bit… He was aware of his hand mindlessly fiddling with the strands of hair in her ponytail as he looked up to the sky counting stars, looking at leaves…anything that would keep his mind off of the other thoughts in his head.

"…Kev? Hello? You didn't fall asleep on me, did you?"

"No," he said, choking on his own voice, and trying to figure out some way to make her either move lower or higher, so he could free his mind. Somehow, he found his hand on her shoulder and nudged her slightly upwards, knowing that nudging her any other way was going to be an argument or the end.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said quickly. "Was I hurting you?"

He only shook his head as he placed her head down on his shoulder gently. "This is just…better…for me."

Suddenly, she seemed to understand, and she stiffened up next to him, embarrassment creeping into her voice. "Oh…Oh! I'm sorry…I wasn't…"

"It's okay," he said, trying not to let the frustration filter into his voice. "This is just…better. I can pay more attention to what you're saying this way." She was still uncomfortable, so he wrapped his arm around her more tightly and inhaled deeply. "What were you saying? Something about New York?"

"I can see us both making it in New York," she answered, settling against him.

"Just New York? Why not the rest of the world?"

"Well, I was starting small," she teased, poking his side.

"Oh, no, don't start that!" he laughed, grabbing her wrist. "You'll so regret that."

"Regret what?" she asked, playing innocent as she shifted to poke him with her other hand. "You're not ticklish, are you?"

"Like you don't know!" He rolled over, grabbing her other hand and sitting on her legs. "And I also know that you're more ticklish than me. So, now you're screwed!" He leaned in, both hands grabbing her hips as she squealed for him to stop. "You can dish it out, but you can't take it, can you? Huh? Huh?"

He leaned down closer, nuzzling her neck instead of tickling her, running his hands up her torso and lying down on top of her. He could feel her leg wrap around one of his and a newly released hand slide down his back, resting at the waist of his jeans, joined by her other hand. It was just natural to lightly thrust with her hands resting there, but this time, unlike the other times that'd happened, she didn't back away. Her own hips rose to meet him, and her fingers slid into the belt loops of his jeans.

His kisses became stronger, and Jana still wasn't backing away, even when his hands slid under the sweatshirt to fondle her breasts, or when he slipped her sweatshirt over her head and left it under her head. When he unclasped her bra, she reached out and pulled his shirt over his head, and pulled him close to her as he took a nipple in his mouth, he reached down to unbutton her jeans, but her hand quickly landed on top of his with a gasping, breathless 'no.'

He rolled next to her into the grass, reeling with excitement and frustration. It felt as if the world were spinning around him, and all he could do was hold onto the dew-laden grass to keep from spinning off before he heard her apologizing next to him quietly.

He rolled onto his side and pulled her next to him, kissing the top of her head to quiet her. "We just got carried away," he reasoned, fighting with the rest of his body to slow down. Instead, his hands kept running up and down her bare back, and the gentle kisses started to linger again. His hands were back at the clasp of her jeans and she started to stop him again. This time, he just kept kissing her, and she slid her hand away.

She tensed when he slid his hand over her panties, but he could feel the wetness between her legs. Sliding her jeans down slightly for more room, he ran his fingers over the damp cotton while kissing her deeply and fondling one of her breasts. She gasped beneath him, and he kissed her neck and collarbone, moving his hand beneath her panties now to touch the warm, slick folds of her flesh. He watched her hips rise to his touch and lifted to kiss her, slowly sliding a finger deep inside. She caught her breath and froze, moaning slightly as he slid his finger out.

"Too much?" he whispered in her ear, but she shook her head and released a ragged breath, shifting a bit closer against him as he thrust his finger into the wetness again, a bit faster this time, focusing on her clit when he pulled back out. This time, she bit her lips together and swallowed heavily, seemingly trying to keep from writhing beneath him until he whispered for her to just 'relax and go with it.'

When she gasped with her orgasm, she grabbed onto his wrist and dropped limply to the ground. He kept kissing her deeply, rolling between her legs and rubbing his hips up against her, knowing he'd have to keep his shirt un-tucked later, but it would be a lot less painful than trying to hold back now.

He held his breath as he came, arching his back and leaning up on the palms of his hands. He closed his eyes with the release, opening his eyes to the sky above, unsure if he was actually seeing the stars or if they were just in his head. "…I love you," he heard her say beneath him, catching her breath.

He dropped to his elbows and kissed her again, rubbing his nose against hers with a smile. "I love you, too," he whispered back.

Jana giggled quietly into Kevin's shoulder with her arms tightly around his waist. "Only in Irvine can something like this happen," she whispered looking past Kevin's shoulder towards the front porch.

"Something like what?" he whispered back, kissing her collarbone into her neck.

"Sex on the front lawn and no one notice," she answered, her toes running down the back of Kevin's calf.

He kissed her again with a chuckle and looked around. "Well, it's pretty hard to see what we're doing when we can barely see each other. I don't think we'd want to try this during a full moon."

"Probably not," she agreed, shifting her hips beneath him and exhaling deeply in contentment. "But there's something pretty primal about being out under the stars like this."

"Primal?" he asked, grinning against her. "How about illegal?"

Kevin opened his eyes to find Lyric standing at the side of his bed, staring at him. She smiled broadly and leaned her elbows on the mattress, whispering. "It worked."

"What worked?" he whispered back tiredly.

"If you stare at someone long enough, they'll wake up," she answered. "Liam said it wouldn't work."

"What time is it, Lyric?"

"The sun's up," she answered. "And grandma's making pancakes. You're supposed to come and eat."

"I'll wake up mommy and tell her. You go tell grandma that we'll be right there." He leaned up on his elbow and kissed Lyric's forehead lightly before she headed out of the room. As soon as she left, Kevin dropped his head back down to the pillow and closed his eyes.

"We're supposed to get up and have pancakes," Jana mumbled, creeping across the mattress tiredly and resting an arm across Kevin's waist.

"It wasn't just a dream?" he whined. "I thought for sure it was just a dream."

"Pancakes," she said. "Not a dream."

He rolled over, and she rested her head on his shoulder as he closed his arms around her. "I think we should both say it was a dream and just go right back to sleep."

"We gave up on sleep when Liam was born, and just kept extending it with Shannon, and Lyric. No sleep. Pancakes." "No one said we couldn't sleep after pancakes."

Kevin sighed heavily before it turned into a low groan. "Yeah, right," he snorted doubtfully, kissing the top of her head. "Come on, before your parents accuse me of doing something sexual. I'll buy you some pancakes," he offered, playfully gallant, and started to get out of bed.

"Oooh, big spender." She lifted her head and kissed him quickly. "I'd rather do the something sexual."

"Pancakes," he whined as she ran her hand down his belly. "Lyric will be back in here in five minutes covered in syrup."

"Oh..." Jana lifted her head to smirk at him. "Syrup? Don't go putting ideas in my head… Think she'd ask too many questions if we asked her to bring the syrup in here with her?"

Kevin smirked in return as they considered the question. At the same time, they both nodded and said, "yeah, she would." They lingered in the bed, though, not speaking and just cuddling next to one another until they heard the sound of a car door slam and familiar voices filtering through the window.

Jana sat up onto her elbows and looked at the window. "Oh, man, it's much too early for my sister and her family," she mumbled and dropped back down with a groan. "What the hell are they doing here?"



Lori huffed slightly at being treated like one of the kids when she was fourteen already, but she listened anyway and took the rest of the kids outside after breakfast. Stacy and Randy sat back with their coffee, and Jana dropped her head against Kevin's shoulder. Lyric, as always, tired her out when it came to eating by having to argue with just about every bite and taking away her drink until she ate something. Even if she liked the food, she still had to play with it and didn't want to finish it.

"Lori's beautiful," Kevin said to Stacy, trying to figure out if she'd talk to him this visit or not. She hadn't ever made up her mind to accept their marriage, although there were one or two times when she'd been civil and spoke to him.

This wasn't one of those times. She barely smiled and started stacking the plates around her.

"Leave that, Stacy," Mary said, reaching out to tap Stacy's hand gently.

"I figured the least we could do…" Stacy started, but Tom cleared his throat and sat forward, signaling that he wanted to say something.

He looked uncomfortable as he looked around the table until Mary reached out and took his hand, nodded, and smiled at him gently. It looked as if she were encouraging him somehow, even. He nodded back slightly and took hold of Mary's hand with a deep breath. "I have something to say," he started, looking back around the table. "And I don't want anyone to get into a panic."

"Daddy?" Stacy started with concern.

He looked to her and lifted an eyebrow. "No panicking," he reprimanded lightly. "It'll all be fine."

"What will?" Stacy asked, leaning against Randy.

"I've been diagnosed with colon cancer," Tom said swiftly, forcing the words out as if they were bitter. "I start treatment next week and thought you needed to know." There was a rush of shock and fear before the questions came flying out. Kevin sat back and listened, watching Tom answer each of them patiently, but sensing the fear behind his eyes.

"Did you get a second opinion?" Kevin asked, trying not to sound panicked himself. "Why are they waiting a week?"

"That's when they said to start," Tom answered. "And I've been to two doctors. They said it's still in the early stages and I have a great chance to beat it."

"But why are they waiting a week?" Stacy asked. "Why give it an extra week to grow?"

"It's not growing that fast, pumpkin," Tom answered.

"Where are you being treated?" Jana asked, and Kevin knew by the sound of her voice that she was petrified.

"Mackey at the UK treatment center," Tom answered.

"We could fly you out to LA," Kevin started. ""Cedars-Sinai is still the leading…"

Tom cut him off by merely shaking his head. "I'm staying right here, Kevin, but thank you."

Here? He wanted to scream. They kill you here! They don't have the advances here! Don't you know what they did to my father?

"I think Kevin might be right," Stacy said, glancing to him. "Why not take advantage of the best…"

Tom merely shook his head and smiled gently. "It's not as bad as all that. Honestly. It's not aggressive from what they can tell. It's still very small and very early. I don't need to treat it with anything radical."

Jana was reaching beneath the table for Kevin's hand and holding tightly. He wasn't sure if it was because she was scared, or if she knew he was, or if it was both. There were too many thoughts conflicting in his brain to figure it all out. Not a death sentence, huge advances, cancer. Cancer…cancer…! The smell of the hospital, the sound of sickness, cold hands holding onto his, saying good-bye…not a death sentence, early detection, huge advances… It all swirled around in his head, but there was still the over-all voice above the rest: Here? They kill you here! Don't you know what they did to my father?

All he had was half an hour before he had to get ready for the game and Jana said she'd meet him. She showed up, hesitating at the door near the gym, and talked to Nicole briefly. As Nicole stayed behind, Jana crossed the hallway, looking worried and carrying her books against her chest. He kissed her quickly, looking over her shoulder as Nicole stood and watched them.

"I'm sorry. I can't stay," she said immediately as he pulled back from her.

"I only have half an hour, Jana."

She touched his arm gently and tilted her head. "I know…but Nicole…"

Nicole, Nicole, Nicole! He was sick of Nicole, always having a problem or tagging along. "Am I dating Nicole, too?" he asked sharply. "I don't remember asking you both out."

"Kevin…" She tried softly. "I know…but Nicole…"

"You know, whatever, Jana." He stepped back and squared his shoulders. "I have better things to do anyway." He shook his head and took another step before turning his back to her and running a hand through his hair. When he glanced over his shoulder, Jana was still standing in the hallway looking miserable, but he could swear Nicole was smirking. By the time he glanced back again, Nicole had an arm around Jana's shoulder and they were walking in the opposite direction.

What was the big deal? He wasn't being unreasonable, right? Jana usually had to be home by 10:00, couldn't go out after school because of her dance classes, and had dance class Saturday mornings. He had practice, had to work after school around the Domain, and when they made plans to see each other…she had to bring Nicole along? He was getting flack constantly from Mickey and Jimmy for blowing them off to see his girlfriend, but really…what was the point?

Jana was cute and all…and she smiled every time she saw him, he noticed…but was that enough? She was smart, too. One of the few girls he knew that really had plans to get out of here like he wanted to. She was going to make it, too, like he would. She was determined, knew what she wanted. That was cool. He really liked it that she wasn't like the other girls who just giggled and said 'I don't know…whatever…' He just liked being with her, around her. He just wanted more time to do that, without having to entertain her best friend, too.

Later that night during a tough game, charging forward, Kevin felt his shoulder slam into someone, bringing them both down to cold, wet ground with a thud, to the roar of the crowd. With the adrenaline rushing through his body and the sound of his own breath, the crowd was all but drowned out. As he tackled the player in the next play, he wondered if maybe Jana wasn't as interested in him as he was in her. Maybe that was why she didn't seem to make time for him, why she usually brought her friends along. Maybe she didn't know how to say she wasn't interested? Maybe she just didn't have time for him? Maybe Nicole was jealous and making her feel guilty?

He sat down on the bench, breathing heavily, and pulled his helmet off, watching the cheerleaders take their spot to rally the crowd. Jana didn't even appear to look at him once during the routine, and that made him nervous. He usually caught her looking at him at least once - and then she'd cross her eyes at him, or stick out her tongue before cracking up into giggles. Had he ended things this afternoon without really meaning to? Was she going to ignore him now?

"Man, you don't have to take out the whole team, okay?" Mickey teased, dropping next to him on the bench. "Leave one or two players for the rest of us, okay?" Kevin just glanced sideways to Mickey and wiped the sweat off his forehead with his forearm. "Shit, Kev, it's just a game."

"Leave it alone, Mike," Kevin grumbled, watching the cheerleaders finish.

Mickey burst into laughter, turning his head to see what Kevin was watching. "Oh, man! You're takin' the other team out because you can't get any from Jana?"

Before he knew it, Kevin had Mickey's jersey in a fist, pulling him closer with a growl. "Shut up about her, you got it?" Mickey just blinked in shock and nodded, swallowing heavily at the surprise attack.

"Richardson!" Coach Niece bellowed a few steps away, making Kevin release Mickey. "Save it for the game!"

"Find your own ride home, Mickey," Kevin said, getting up and moving away from him. He pretended to get some water on the opposite side of the bench and squatted down in front of the cooler, trying to pay attention to the game.

No girl had ever gotten him this confused or frustrated before. No matter what, he'd always been able to concentrate during a game. Now he just wanted to get out there and hit anything that got in his way…why? Why did this bother him this much? So what? She's just a girl! Just some stupid girl that wouldn't go further than kissing no matter what he tried!

Truthfully, that hadn't bothered him until just now. He knew he was just trying to find a reason to be angrier with her so it wouldn't bother him that she was ignoring him. But it did bother him. A lot. More than he'd expected it to. Besides, he'd only been driving her home and sitting with her at lunch for less than a month, really. It wasn't like they were some kind of uber-couple, or anything.

'Come on, Jeremy…' he willed the quarterback, 'screw up so I can get out there and make a few more tackles!'



"You okay?" Jana asked late that night once everyone was in bed. Kevin was still sitting outside on the porch with a glass of bourbon, trying to force the thoughts away.

He opened his arm out and brought Jana to settle in next to him. "I should be asking you that," he said quietly. "Are you?"

She shrugged against him and sighed deeply. "Not what I wanted to hear the last day of our vacation."

"We're not going home, Jan," he said in disbelief. "We can't leave now."

She sat up and looked at him, reaching out to smooth her hand over his cheek. "We can't put everything on hold, either. It's not like we can do anything." He shook his head, keeping his eyes on hers. "Kevin…he's not going to be up to having the kids underfoot, and mama's going to be taking care of him and…"

"We won't stay with them," he said easily. "We can get a place nearby. Spend the summer fixing it up if we need to. Doesn't matter."

"You've been drinking," she started patiently. "And I know this isn't easy on you because of what happened with your dad, but…"

He put his glass down on the porch floor and turned to look at her. Yes, he was probably a little too drunk, but it wasn't affecting this decision. "Do you have any idea how many times I asked myself what I would have done if my parents told me sooner? If they hadn't waited to tell us it was so bad? How much time I was cheated out of because I didn't know?" He slowly shook his head, biting back the tears in his throat. "I'm not going to let you, or them, have to ask that question. We're staying right here, Jana. Don't miss this opportunity because some doctors are hopeful."

"Don't hand him a death sentence, Kevin," she answered, her voice shaky. "He's not your father. There have been changes in treatment. Mackey is a good facility."

"Then when I'm wrong, what's the harm? We'll have spent the summer with your parents. Is that such a bad thing?" She only looked at him and sighed. "You don't have to think the worst, but let's not set ourselves up for needless regret."

"You've already made up your mind, haven't you?"

He pulled her close. "The kids can spend a real summer in Irvine," he continued. "Doing the same kinds of things we did. I think they'll really like it."

"And work? Your conference? The Academy seminars?"

"I can drive to Louisville when I'm needed. It's not that far. And Hailey's been running your studio while we were here anyway. A few more weeks won't be a problem."

"Nothing will be, will it? You've made up your mind." She sounded like she was teasing him, but he could tell there was a hint of relief. "We'll talk about it a little more tomorrow when you're hung over."

"I'm not that drunk," he argued.

"It's hard to hear again, isn't it?" she guessed, intertwining her fingers in with his. "It must have brought back a lot for you."

"It's not me that I'm concerned about. How about you?" She lifted a shoulder and curled her legs up to lean against him. "Nothing? A shrug? Come on, Jan… There's got to be more going on in your head than wondering how I'm handling it."

"Nothing I want to get into right now," she answered quietly. "I can't yet."

He kissed the top of her head and tightened his hold on her in understanding. It'd been a lot for him to take when he'd first found out, too, but luckily for him he'd had plans to occupy his mind: notice to be given at his jobs, travel plans, packing. He hadn't really come to terms with what it was until he'd been on the flight and wondering what he was going to see when he got off. Jana didn't have any of that. She was already head first in it, without time to absorb the information.

She didn't say anything for the entire ride, and he couldn't figure out if he'd done something to piss her off, or if she was pissed off at someone else…. No clue what was going on, but he didn't know how to broach the topic, so they drove, listening to the radio, and he waited for her to make the first move. It wasn't until they were out of the car and walking towards the Bend, hearing laughter from the trees, that she just stopped and burst into tears - and completely freaked him out.

He put his arms around her and she clung onto his waist, buried her head into his chest and cried. He felt useless to stop it and didn't know what any of it was about. All he did was smooth her hair and kiss the top of her head.

"Can we go somewhere else?" she managed to ask after what felt like forever.

He kept her close, walking with his arm around her shoulders. Once they were back in the car, the silence returned, between sniffles. He didn't know where else to take her, so he drove to the high school and they got out, walking together in silence toward the football field. Beneath the bleachers, they sat and she rested her back against him as he wrapped his arms around her again. "Want to tell me what's going on?" he asked gently, praying she wouldn't cry again.

"I didn't get in," she said, her voice so soft and full of pain. "Juilliard…." She shuffled throughher purse and pulled out a folded envelope. "Rejected." She burst into tears again, throwing the envelope into the dirt and slamming her heel down onto it. "I'm gonna be stuck in fucking Irvine for the rest of my lousy, stupid life! Getting fat and ugly and working at…at…the high school or something!"

"Oh, darlin', I'm sorry."

"And mama and dad are all like…" She hiccupped and took a breath, turning to look at him, "...'There will be other chances.' And like it's no big deal! And I worked so hard on that routine, and I wasn't good enough! If I'm not good enough for Juilliard, I'm never going to get fucking anywhere! I've wasted all this time, and I just suck!"

"Hey," he interjected, smoothing a hand down her cheek, "you have not wasted anything! You said yourself you have a room full of medals and trophies…"

"Fat lot of good that did!" she scoffed.

He kissed her quickly, tasting salty tears on his lips. "They just don't know what they're missin', that's all. You can try out again, can't you?"

"Why would I? So I can be told I suck twice? I don't think so!" She threw her arms around his shoulders this time and just shook, making Kevin feel more helpless. "I just really, really wanted this," she said between sobs. "I feel like everything I've worked on is just for nothing! Nothing! All those hours after school and on weekends, and I suck!"

He knew there was another school she wanted to get into, but it took a minute before he could remember the name. "What about the American School of Ballet? You didn't try out for them yet, did you? You have a chance there, right?"

She shook her head and pulled back, wiping the tears from her cheek before he reached out and took over. "I'm not going to humiliate myself again!" she scoffed. "Are you crazy?"

He blinked at her in total shock. "So, that's it? You're just going to give up? That really is a waste of your time then, Jan. You don't want to do that."

"Yes, I do!" She started bawling again. He hadn't understood the magnitude of what all this meant to her, but he was slowly starting to figure it out. "And they're all saying how proud they are of me for just trying out…for getting this far, and isn't it great, and all that crap…but it's not! I just keep looking at them and can't believe they don't understand how much this hurts. It really just hurts, Kevin. I worked so hard, and I just wasn't good enough and they won't even let me say it. I can't even get the words out before my father tells me I'm not a quitter, and only losers cry when they don't win, and it's all about the challenge and doing your best. But it's not because I didn't win…it's because it just hurts."

He pulled her back against his chest and tried to soothe the pain somehow, thinking that maybe she just needed to get it all out before she could move ahead. He always hated when he was told how he was supposed to feel after fucking up an important kick or tackle. It must be the same kind of feeling.

"And Nicole's all like…you didn't really think you'd get into Juilliard, did you? Like it was just some kind of stupid joke or something. She just totally doesn't get it, either! And I can't figure out how she didn't know how much this meant to me! It's not a joke!"

"I know, darlin'." He did, too. She had been practicing so hard…since before they'd started dating, and she was always telling him about how she'd nailed a certain step or finished choreographing a sequence with her teacher. He'd never seen her dance, but he did see her moves with the cheer squad and couldn't believe she wasn't any good. "But maybe…"

"Don't try to fix it, Kevin!" she interrupted, pulling away from him. "I just want to be upset about it!"

"Okay…" he surrendered, taking her hand and hoping it would help. He knew he wasn't any good with crying girls. He never knew what to do for them.

At sixteen, being rejected by Juilliard had made Jana's world crumble down around her. Now, her father's illness was making her react the same way. Kevin knew there was no way to fix this either, and that eventually she'd just let herself be upset by it. Right now, she was still in her head, planning, figuring out what it all meant and what the alternatives were. She would take care of everyone around her until Kevin could pull her aside and made her let him take care of her for a while. Right now, there was too much to do, but she would. Been there, done that, bought the postcards…



"You're late, for a change," Jana teased, leaning up and kissing Kevin quickly.

He laughed just as Jimmy handed him a beer. "I guess I am." He shrugged a bit and took a long drink as he looked at the people around the covered pool. He'd just been hanging out with Mickey and Jimmy and lost track of time. Awhile later, holding Jana's hand, they made their way through the crowd inside. Jana stopped a few times to talk to some friends, never warning him, just stopping and holding his hand so that he was jerked to a stop.

"Would you lookit that," Mickey said, poking Kevin, "she's finally done it."

"Done what?"

"Became a ball and chain, man! It looks like you keep dropping the ball and stumbling over it. Doncha think it's time to cut yourself loose?"

"Shut the fuck up, Mickey.".

Mickey rolled his eyes and glanced at Jimmy. "I'm just sayin'…"

"Sayin' what?" Kevin asked, taking a step closer. Mickey was huge; if this escalated, Kevin knew he'd be crushed, but he'd had enough of Mickey whining about him dating Jana. He'd been fine all night, and then disappeared.

"Dude…" Mickey looked over at Jana, "she's dead weight, already. What the hell are you doing? It's your senior year, and you're not even gettin' any. What happened to getting drunk and getting laid and no hassles? Why the hell are you wasting your time?"

Kevin stared at him in complete shock. He knew Mickey didn't like Jana, but really…. "Know what, Mike? I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that and not even try to figure out what the hell your problem is tonight." He tugged Jana's hand enough to get her attention and motioned that he wanted to move on.

She turned and kissed him quickly, releasing his hand, and turned back to her conversation, laughing at something just said. "Now's your chance, man," Mickey said, watching her, "take it."

Kevin turned and laid both hands onto Mickey's chest, managing to push him back slightly. "What the fuck is your problem?" he asked angrily as everyone in the room turned to watch.

Jimmy immediately stepped in between them, a hand on either of their chests to keep them a safe distance apart. "Okay…I think we've had about enough of that!" he attempted to joke, leaning a bit more on Kevin than Mickey.

"No!" Kevin said firmly, keeping his eyes on Mickey. "I want to know what the fuck his problem is!"

"Kevin?" Jana came up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "Let's go outside," she suggested as people started stepping back. "Come on…"

"Yeah, good idea," Jimmy agreed, turning to face Kevin and stepping closer to talk more privately. "Get some fresh air, man."

"Kev?" Jana asked, slipping her hand into his.

"Fuck it," Kevin mumbled with another glare to Mickey before turning away.

"Whipped!" Mickey called after him.

Kevin attempted to stop and turn, but Jana just held tightly to Kevin's hand and pulled. "He's not worth it," she told him once they were outside, but he pulled his hand away furiously.

"What're you trying to do to me?" he snapped at her. She kept walking across the crowded patio and along the side of the pool to a darker corner with her arms folded across her stomach. He followed her into the shadows, not really knowing why, unable to believe she embarrassed him like that in front of everyone. "What the hell, Jana?"

She turned, facing him, and exhaled deeply. "Just like I said, he's not worth it, Dipshit. He'd kill you."

"You didn't hear what he was saying!"

"Who the fuck cares what Mickey thinks? It's Mickey! Hello! He can't figure his way off the football field without a marching band! Why the hell do you care?"

"I am so fucking sick of this!" he yelled, storming around the cabana into the darkness. He knew they were making a scene, and that they would be the talk of the school on Monday, but it didn't matter. "I'm sick of being the middle man between you two! I know you don't like him; I know he doesn't like you, but y'all have to just fucking deal already! I'm not choosing!"

"I'm not asking you to!" she bit back.

"Well, I've had enough of the comments!"

"Tell that to him! He's not even a blip on my radar!"

"See?" He lifted a hand. "That's what I'm talking about! Quit dissin' on him!"

"You want to choose, go ahead, Kevin! What the hell are you hanging around me for anyway? I'm not putting out, why bother?"

Jimmy cleared his throat, making them turn towards him. "Uh, Mickey wants to leave."

"Gimme a minute," Kevin said gruffly.

"Mickey's been drinking all night," Jana said. "He's not driving, is he?"

"I have the keys," Jimmy said, jiggling them. "I'm sober."

She glanced at Kevin, shook her head at Jimmy, and headed back around the cabana, running into Mickey. He grumbled an insult at her; she grumbled back and went directly to find Nicole before bursting into tears.



A little more than an hour later, Kevin stepped up behind her, having been convinced by Jimmy to come back and work things out. "Hey," he said cautiously, giving her a strange look and a smile. "Having a good time?" She looked up over her shoulder at him, looked him up and down, and turned back to Nicole.

"What? Did Mickey kick you out?" Nicole asked snidely.

"Can I talk to you?" Kevin asked, putting his hand on Jana's waist and, ignoring Nicole.

Jana stood, finally letting let Kevin lead her away from the remaining party-goers. They headed back toward the cabana again, but there was a definite indifference in Jana and it was un-nerving. "So?" she asked, dropping to sit in the grass.

"What's all this?" Kevin asked, crouching down in front of her.

She shrugged again, leaning back against the cabana. " Does it make a difference?" He could see her tilt her head in the shadow. "Oh, wait, no, you want me to put out. Sorry. I forgot I was ruining your senior year and your grand plans with Mickey."

"Knock it off," he groused, sitting down. "That was Mickey, not me."

"That's right, I just made you choose because I wasn't playing nice."

"What the hell, Jana? I don't understand."

"Think about it. Doing what I think is right, and trying for the things I want isn't getting me anywhere." She dropped her head back against the wall. "Not only can't I dance, and my grades are falling because I'm doing too much, but I'm ruining my boyfriend's senior year now too." She sighed. "What the hell am I doing? You want to get laid? Let's go. May as well."

"Yeah, and that's exactly how I want it to happen, too," he told her sarcastically. She scooted forward, closer to him and leaned in to kiss him, continuing until he finally responded. He kissed her a long while but pulled back eventually and shook his head. "I'm not going to lie and say this ain't a turn on, but it's not going to happen like this, Jana. You'll regret it, I'll regret it and it's just not worth all that."

He couldn't see, but he could hear sniffling and knew she'd reached the end of her patience. Reaching out, he placed his hand on the back of her head and pulled her to rest against his shoulder, just to hold her. "You've had a crappy week, haven't you, darlin'?" She nodded against him and sighed heavily. "That's what this is all about, isn't it?"

She sighed again. "I just feel like I'm totally losing control over everything."

"This isn't you," he told her gently. " You're stressed, so take a break, but don't change your entire personality because of what some stupid people think, or say. Me included. I don't know what Mickey's problem is, but it's his problem. And I don't have a problem with how my senior year is going. It's been better than I thought it would be thanks to you."

"You lie," she mumbled.

"Stop. I do not." He pulled away and looked down to her, brushing his thumb across her cheek before kissing her gently.

"Why don't you just lie and tell them we're sleeping together?" she questioned.

"Because it's no one's business. And my parents didn't raise me that way. Know what I think?" She shook her head slowly. "I think you need to stop doing everything for everyone else and do something for you. Even if it's just one day." He knocked his forehead against hers gently.

"This should keep me busy," Jana laughed, looking around the large, open foyer.

Kevin was a few steps behind, looking up the 12 foot ceilings. "There's a lot of work that needs to be done," he commented. "You sure you want to do it right now? We could keep looking."

She turned and looked at him with a hopeful smile. "I don't want to keep looking. I love this house. Sure, it needs work, but it's not that bad. Some paint and a few little things, but it doesn't need a huge overhaul." They both looked up, hearing footsteps and laughing in the hallway upstairs. "And I think the kids are okay with it."

"I get the big room, right?" Shannon asked, bounding down the stairs in front of Liam.

"No, I do! I'm the oldest!" Liam argued.

"What about me? I want it!" Lyric called, trailing behind.

"Got news for you," Kevin told them, making a calming motion with both hands, "your mama and I get the big room."

"But daddy!" Shannon whined, "I'm going to be a teenager soon, and I need my privacy!"

"You've got time, Shannon," Jana told her. "And we'll decide who gets what room, so stop fighting with each other about it."

"So, we're really moving here?" Lyric asked.

"Looks like it." Kevin nodded down to her. "For awhile, I think."

"Is that 'cause grandpa is sick?"

"Shut up, Lyric!" Shannon shot quickly, passing a stern look to her sister. Lyric immediately looked guilty.

Kevin crouched down and lifted her head up slightly with a tender smile. "It's okay to ask about it, Babydoll, okay?" He looked over to Shannon and Liam, then quickly to Jana, already with tears in her eyes. "Grandpa is sick, but he's going to get better. There's no reason not to talk about it." Jana attempted to nod, but wandered down the hallway towards the kitchen to hide her tears from the rest of them.

Liam watched her walk away and then looked back to Kevin. "But mama gets upset," he said quietly.

"I know," he answered. "That's because she's just a little scared, but you don't have to keep quiet about it. If you have questions, ask them."

"Why is she scared?" Lyric asked. "You said he was going to be fine."

"Because…" He wrapped his arm around her waist and drew her closer. "Before he gets better, the medicines are going to make him a lot sicker, and that makes her a little scared."

"Didn't your daddy die from the same thing? I heard mom mom talking to grandma about it," Shannon said, sitting down on the bottom step.

There was an immediate lump in his throat, but he attempted to swallow it. "Yes, your granddad died from it, but it was a long time ago and there have been a lot of new medicines found since then."

"Are we moving because he's sick?" Lyric asked.

"Partly, yeah. But we also think now's a good time to live a little closer to your grandparents anyway. Your ma and I have been talking about this for a while." He looked at the faces looking back at him and broke into a smile, trying to soothe the concern he saw. "So, what do you think? You like this place?"

"I like the big room," Shannon said with a sly smile, exactly like Jana she was trying to get her way.

"Nice try, kid," he laughed, standing up and lifting Lyric with him. "What about you? What do you think?"

"Is there going to be ghosts?" she asked. "Liam said old houses have ghosts."

"Liam!" Kevin groused, knocking Liam's head lightly with his hand. "No, there are no ghosts."

"Hey, you never know! They said Abraham Lincoln stayed here. He could visit!" Liam teased, lifting his arms and making ghost sounds.

"Go outside, stay in the yard, and we'll meet you out there in a minute." Kevin put Lyric down and swatted her butt lightly, heading off down the hallway after Jana as the kids went out the front door. Jana was looking out the window over the kitchen sink, holding on to the rim. "You alright?" She nodded but turned so Kevin could see the tears in her eyes. He went to her and held her, shushing her.

"I don't know why this upset me now," she said, trying to laugh at herself.

"Because it just did," he told her. "It comes at the strangest times, that's all. It's okay, you know? No one's expecting you to hold it together all the time."

"I haven't," she said quietly. "I've just kept it to myself."

All he could do was hold her more firmly, and kiss the top of her head, muttering a soft 'Jana' against her. "You have to let me in, darlin'."

She nodded against him, and this time he heard the sounds of tears. "I'm doing the best that I can, Kevin."

"Shhh, I know…I know."

"I just…I want to be angry…but all I end up doing is crying."

"Your foot is going to break before those big bricks do, Kev," Tim said gently behind him. He hadn't even noticed Tim coming in, too busy taking his frustration out on the concrete wall in front of him. Hearing him, Kevin stopped kicking the wall and dropped his forehead against it, willing himself not to turn around and show Tim he was crying. But Tim knew. Kevin felt a hand on his shoulder, turning him, and he broke down even further, falling helplessly against his older brother. "I know, Kev," Tim said, rubbing his hand on the back of Kevin's neck.

"I just…" Kevin started, trying to explain.

"It's okay, Kev. We've all reached our limit at some point."

"How much more, Tim? I mean, what the hell? The cancer isn't enough? He has to have a stroke too? How much more is he expected to take? What kind of sick joke is God playing?!"

"This isn't God, Kevin," Tim corrected. "Sometimes, bad things…"

"Happen to good people," Kevin finished angrily. "That's crap!"

"It's not! Kevin…" Kevin pushed back from Tim and started pacing around the patch of dirt. "Kevin, listen to me!"

"None of this makes sense, Tim! He's been a good father, husband, friend… He doesn't deserve this!"

"No, he doesn't!"

"Then why?" Kevin screamed. "I just want one good reason why!"

"There is none, little brother. I wish I had one, but there just isn't. But it's not God's doing, either."

"Then why is it, huh, when someone dies after suffering, everyone thanks Him for taking that person out of their misery?. But when something happens that doesn't make sense or puts someone through Hell, it's not His doing? So, which is it, Tim? If we're supposed to thank Him for His grace and mercy, why can't we blame Him when he fucks up?"

"Because it's not His doing, Kevin. He's here…he's just not…"

"Bullshit, He's here! He's not here! And if He is? He's fucking up!" He yelled to the distance, looking up and extending his arms out. "Do you hear me? You! Up there? You're fucking up!" He looked back at Tim, and the fury erupted again into tears. "I need a reason, Tim."

Tim shook his head slowly, helplessly. "I can't give you one, bro. I don't have it. But getting angry at God isn't going to change the situation."

"Nothing is, is it?"

Tim just shook his head again. "No…but Kev? It's okay to have a breakdown, alright? We all have at some point." He reached over and grabbed Kevin's shoulder. "Just remember to let it go and not hold onto it. It doesn't do anyone any good."

Tim's words repeated in his head now as he comforted Jana. "Just go with whatever you're feeling, darlin'. It'll work its way out when you're ready."

He reached out, finding the landmark rock and made his way over to a more flattened rock to sit. "This is better." Sitting down, he reached