Like a Ghost...
Page 2

Kevin

All Kevin saw was her back, cradling the phone against her ear, but there was just silence. Silence and she wasn't moving. When he touched her shoulder, she turned around and dropped the phone, clutching onto him and bursting into heavy sobs that wracked her entire body.

He pulled at the phone chord, lifting the receiver to his ear. "Stacy? What happened?" He managed to keep one hand against Jana's back, holding her up to the best of his ability. "We'll be right over." He put the receiver down and wrapped both arms around Jana, holding her as tightly as he could as she cried against him, trembling.

"Kevin?" Anne asked nervously.

He lifted his head, tears in his eyes, and ran his hand over Jana's back. "Can you keep the kids?" he asked, his voice sticking in his throat. "We have to get to the hospital." Jana clung to him, tighter, as if she was bracing herself for the next sentence. "Mary…" he began, blinking with the shock that lingered in the air, "…had a heart attack."

Anne reached out to grab the kitchen counter. "Is she going to be okay?"

Kevin couldn't verbally respond. He merely shook his head 'no' and dipped it down closer to Jana. "We should go," he whispered, attempting to comfort her. She nodded, but held on a few moments longer, trying to steady herself. "I won't leave your side, darlin'. I'm gonna be right here, okay?"



As soon as they entered the private waiting room, Jana squared her shoulders and accepted the weight of Stacy as collapsing against her. He couldn't make out what she was saying through the tears, but Jana seemed to know and began mumbling comforting words, a complete turn around from just half an hour ago when he'd stood with her in his mother's kitchen.

He'd seen that strength before. When she'd been in labor with Liam she'd become too tired to push, out of nowhere had come a power and burst of strength to finish the birth. When she'd worked eighteen hours and come home to find Shannon with a fever, sleep hadn't mattered. When she was needed, she brought comfort to whoever needed it. He could provide comfort for her once she was sure everyone else around her was stable and safe.

As he went over to hug Stacy, Jana went over to her father, who was sitting across the room, his eyes red rimmed, but no tears. She knelt next to him, putting her hands over his and just looked up at him, whispering 'Daddy?'

First, Tom's shoulders shook. Then he lifted his hands to either side of Jana's face and looked at her, the shock of what had happened written in every line on his face. Then, seeing the truth in Jana's eyes, his face crumpled and he openly cried…but just for a moment. As he finished, Jana wrapped her arms around his neck and let him comfort her as only a father knew how. Then, they both wiped their tears and took deep breaths, taking back control of their emotions in order to get through the decisions and arrangements that had to be made...the funeral home to contact, what Mary should wear, who needed to be called first.

"She just…I didn't know what it was…" Stacy sputtered. Kevin could hear the guilt in her voice and wanted to comfort her. "I didn't know. I just thought she was snoring."



Jana sat on the edge of the bed, physically exhausted and pale. All she could do was look at Kevin as he closed the door behind him, watching tears fill her eyes again. Neither one of them had to say anything. He sat beside her and held her, and she just cried softly against him. When she finished, she slipped wordlessly into a tee shirt and climbed into the bed, holding onto him until she fell asleep.

He knew tomorrow was going to be harder. Tomorrow, reality was going to hit and the simplest things were going to be incredulous. The smallest task would take on a sense of wonder.

His fingers fumbled with the material beneath them, tangling in it, choking. A simple tie. He'd tied a tie so many times, but today, staring in the mirror, he couldn't get it figured out. It was too long, too short, too tight, sloppy. His shower had seemed to take forever when he considered what he had to do when it was done. His best suit was lying on the bed, a crisp white shirt freshly ironed, and the damn tie was the last part of getting ready. And he had managed to do it all seamlessly except for the damn tie.

And then he focused in the mirror at the length of his hair, the spots on his chin still bleeding from shaving. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and opened his eyes again to refocus on the tie.

"Having trouble?" Jerry asked, stepping into the doorway, his own tie undone. He stood in front of Kevin and took hold of Kevin's tie like he had when they'd been boys.

"Looks like you are too," Kevin said, pointing to Jerry's tie. All Jerry did was slightly nod as he finished tying Kevin's tie, choking up as he finished. "Here…" Kevin started doing Jerry's tie, focusing on how the knot should look instead of seeing the tears in Jerry's eyes.

When he finished, Jerry put his hand on Kevin's shoulder and squeezed in thanks. "Hang in there, Little Bro. Let's do the old man proud, huh?" Kevin merely nodded. He'd be fine as long as no one spoke to him. If he had to speak, he'd never make it through the day.

"Coffee?" Tim asked, lifting the pot up as Kevin came downstairs.

"As a vodka chaser?" Kevin grumbled, barely joking as he slipped into his seat at the kitchen table.

Tim put a mug down in front of him, shaking his head in scolding. "Beth coming?"

Beth… Kevin had barely had time to talk to her in the last three days. He wasn't even sure if he'd asked her, much less if she was coming. He stirred sugar into the coffee and shrugged. At this point, he doubted if it would make any difference. So far, everything today was surreal, and time was moving like butter melting when it was accidentally left out.

"Did you ask her?" Kevin shrugged again. "Kev?"

"I don't know, Tim! Why the third degree? If she comes, she comes. If she doesn't…then she doesn't. What difference does it make?"

"Just making conversation, Kev." Tim sat down and sipped his coffee, pulling at his tie. "Jerry almost ready?" Kevin shrugged, watching the liquid swirl around his mug as he stirred slowly. "Kevin? You gonna hold up?" he asked, his voice full of concern.

"Do I have a choice?" he replied quietly. When he looked up, Tim was watching him closely, worriedly. "I'll hold up."

And he would hold up today. He knew he didn't have a choice, just as Jana didn't have a choice.. Even so, she whimpered and clung to him as she slept, keeping Kevin awake for most the night trying to comfort her nightmares

Beth shook his shoulder, whispering his name as he fluttered his eyes open, finding himself tangled in the sheets. She smoothed the hair back and pressed her lips against his forehead before settling back against him. "You're safe here, baby. It's all over now. Remember?"

That was the problem. He was remembering…the church, the coffin, the sounds of the crying echoing throughout the high wooden ceiling. Most of the day was a blur, but at the end of it, he'd had to get away from them all, and he'd ended up at Beth's apartment, stoned and drunk. He'd crashed, barely speaking to her, and he hadn't been altogether sure where he was when she'd awakened him.

He sat up, realizing the sun was rising, and wrapped his arms around his knees as he tiredly dropped his shoulders. "I should go," he said, his voice deep and groggy from sleep.

Her hand slid down his back slowly "Not yet. It's still early. Get some rest, Kevin."

He shook his head, looking out the window. "No…I should go back. I didn't tell anyone where I was going."

"They know where you are," she told him. "Where else would you be all night?" He could think of a thousand places, but didn't want to ramble them off. Where he really wanted to be was in his own bed, home, so he could be there for his mother, his family. Where he should have been all night. Beth smoothed her hand back down his back, though, and it drew him back to the mattress. Just the tenderness of her fingertips brought tears to his eyes, tears that had been too ready in forming for days, it seemed. He was tired of the weight on his chest, of the sadness wrapping around his brain. He was just tired and wanted to bury it, instead of his father.

Beth curled next to him, putting her head on his shoulder as she ran her hand over his chest. She kissed his shoulder gently, and when he turned his head, she kissed his lips, drawing him closer. It was something other than pain touching him, and he responded to it, letting it soak through his skin. Finally, he could concentrate on something other than the grief. Instead, he concentrated on the curve of her breasts against his palm, the wetness between her legs as he slid his fingers between the tender folds, the sound of her breath catching in her throat as she clutched his wrist and came. He concentrated on her lips sucking on his nipples, the touch of her thumb as it circled the lip of his shaft and rose over his tip. Too impatient to wait, he found his way inside of her, slamming his hips against hers to rush to the pleasure and be lost in the pure physical response, shutting off his brain for mere seconds...a welcomed relief.

When it was over, he dropped down against her, catching his breath and wiping the sweat from his forehead on the pillow next to her head. "I need to go," he mumbled, once he could speak.

"Kevin…" He ignored her, pulling out, and immediately got out of bed, running a hand through his hair in indecision, looking around for his clothes. "Kevin…stop." He looked back to the bed as she sat up. "You have to take time for yourself, too you know. It happened to you, too. Your family understands that you need time to unwind on your own, don't they?"

"Beth…right now, I can't. I need them as much as they need me."

"You look like you need a break from it though, Kevin. You barely slept. You're on the verge of tears…"

He just shook his head, more pressure dropping onto his shoulders. He didn't know how to make Beth understand his motivations, but he knew where he needed to be. He started getting dressed quickly and leaned over to kiss her. "I love you," he said. "I'll call you later."

Kevin hadn't thought about Beth in so long. Looking back on it now, he knew it had been a bad moment in one of the worst years of his life. That had been the turning point of their relationship. He'd proposed and soon after she'd said yes, he'd picked fights, pulled away, made excuses until the whole relationship had exploded apart and he'd run back to Florida.

Now Jana was having a fitful night's sleep, and there was nowhere for either of them to run except to each other. There was nowhere else he wanted to be other than at her side as she tried to make sense of the loss and the cruel twist of fate. If he'd learned anything, it was to turn and face the problems head on. So far, it had gotten them through all the stupid little things in their relationship, and he was certain they'd pass the test now. He just had to hold on to her, be her punching bag, her pleasure point, her distraction, and her guide as they made their way through it.

Jana

As Jana watched Kevin put his shoes on, sitting on the edge of the bed, she wondered just what exactly he was thinking. She wasn't quite sure what she was thinking, except that she was getting ready. It was as if she'd been programmed: stockings, slip, dress, hair, make-up. It was all mechanical and if she lingered too long, she'd realize what she was getting ready for - her mother's funeral.

Eerily enough, the last time she'd been in this church had been for Jerald's funeral, and it was hard to imagine standing in there with her own family, going through the same ritual.

She slipped into a back pew alone and made sure she didn't make eye contact with anyone. She wasn't even sure why she was there anyway, but there had been no doubt of her going. Just seeing the back of Kevin's head as he stood in the front pew with the rest of his family brought tears to her eyes. Try as she might, she still wanted to comfort him in spite of not having spoken to him in a year. It didn't even matter that he was holding someone else's hand. She wanted to comfort him, but she knew she wouldn't even make her presence known. Maybe he'd sense her there, or something, and take comfort in that.

The music ended, and the echoes of feet shuffling, papers rattling and the ever-present person with a cough filled the solemn silence inside the old church. Her mind couldn't focus on what was being said. All she could do was watch the front few pews, the family she'd been so close to, out of reach, in pain. She didn't even need to see their faces, it was enough just to see the way they bent their heads together, reached out to hold a shoulder, rub a neck, touch heads together. And then someone stood up and started singing 'Ave Maria,' and she watched her vision blur through tears.

Today, Kevin would be singing that song - for her own mother - in that same church, that same spot. Just thinking about it chocked her up and brought tears to her eyes, again. Times like this, she didn't wonder anymore why she wasn't a churchgoer. Just about all her memories of being in church were about a death... loss, fear, sadness, dread. Nothing good. Nothing really happy. Even Stacy's wedding didn't bring back happy memories. She couldn't honestly say she was happy her sister had gotten married. Randy was nice and all, but Jana had never seen an un-dying love between them. She just saw…complacency? Settling? Getting it over with?

She jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder, blinking into the mirror at Kevin. He wrapped his arms around her waist "We should be going." All she could do was put her hands over his and rest back against him for a long moment, unable to move. Her feet were part of the tiled floor, grouted down into the cracks so she couldn't move.

Kevin didn't rush her, just waited as she stood, lowering his head closer to hers and inhaling deeply against her. Offering strength from someplace. She didn't know where he'd found it, or how he'd shouldered it, but he was there and holding her up, steady and firm, but gentle and unhurried. She hadn't thought she'd ever feel safe after that phone call, but every time Kevin put his arms around her, she did. She just didn't want him to release her, and inevitably, he had to.

It was her turn to take a steady breath, square her shoulders and head out to handle the details. It was time for her show face. Damn the nerves, damn the fear, damn the steps she wasn't sure of…it was time to go out and face it and muddle through the best she could.



The house was filled with people, friends, relatives, co-workers… She wasn't even sure who they all were, but there wasn't a chair to be found, and people were starting to spill out on the porch and throughout the yard. Some talked quietly, some laughed loudly, but there was a sense of calm and ease around that surprised her, considering the tragedy. She expected people to cry more, or speak in whispers, but instead of mourning her death, Tom had turned conversations to celebrating her life He was truly holding up under the pressure and had come past to squeeze her shoulder or offer a hug several times throughout the day. Kevin had commented that she obviously got her strength from her father, but surrounded by all these people, making conversation, Jana wondered if her father wanted to burst into tears like she did beneath it all.

Stacy hadn't stopped crying at all, it seemed. Jana had done her best to alleviate her sister's sense of guilt, but nothing seemed to help. She supposed she'd feel the same way if she'd been here instead of Stacy. She had her own guilt for not being here, wondering if things might have different if she had, if maybe she should have done more to take some of the strain of these past weeks from Mary. Would it have made any difference?

Randy was in the corner with Stacy again, attempting to be a dutiful husband, but whenever Jana looked at them, she could sense tension and distraction. Randy didn't seem to focus on anything anymore. He seemed to look away or roll his eyes when Stacy spoke to him. Just now, when she turned against him for support, he patted her shoulder absently and looked around the room. Jana turned, lifting her eyes up to the ceiling and prayed silently. 'No more for a while, okay? Can we get through one disaster at a time?'

"How're you holding up?" Kevin asked, quietly coming up behind her. He put an arm around her neck loosely and kissed the top of her head.

She rested back against him and sighed. "Is numb good?"

"Could be. Need a break?"

She chuckled lightly, looking around the room. "You're kidding, right?"

"No. We can go upstairs for a minute or two if you want to get away for a little while."

"I'm okay, babe." She put her hands over his arm and squeezed. "If I lose it now, I'm not going to stop for awhile."



She rolled over, blinking painfully at the night stand and saw a bottle of water and aspirin waiting. Through the pain of her throbbing head, she still smiled. He'd even taken the cap off for her, bless his heart. After managing to swallow a couple of aspirin and half the bottle of water, she fell back and took a few deep breaths through the pounding of the blood in her temples and eyes.

Drinking had been a good idea last night. It was the first time in a week she hadn't gone to bed wanting to cry and thinking 'what next?' The only problem was, alcohol never let her sleep long or deep, and she knew it was much too early to get up. It was also much too early to let herself think.

Fortunately, Kevin rolled over onto his side, and she felt his fingers slide through her hair gently. She closed her eyes and felt her muscles immediately relax with his touch. It drew her closer until she was resting against him, feeling his hand slide slowly down her back. She lifted her chin up against the pillow to see him watching her tenderly, a slow smile forming on his lips before she leaned up and kissed them as tenderly as his touch.

All she had to do was keep her eyes on his, and they could read each others desires and touches. Nothing was rushed, nothing was spoken, but every part of her body was caressed and cared for. His hands lingered over her skin, following each curve and muscle, responding to her desires without a thought.

She relaxed into the desires, letting her hands roam across the contours and shapes of his body to feel the warmth of his skin on her fingertips. She particularly liked to drag her finger down the center of his chest, across the firmness of his abs, feeling his belly quiver when she continued down between his legs. Just the sound of his intake of short, quick breaths burned a desire deep inside herself.

Before she could do anything more, Kevin lifted her hands away and shifted to his knees, but she placed her hands on his hips and shifted between them. She wanted him inside her more than ever, guiding his firmness between her legs. She couldn't take her eyes off his, except for the moment when he filled her completely, pausing in the position until she exhaled and looked back at him, lowering her hips as slowly to the bed as she possibly could from his retreat to accept him again, just as smoothly.

She ran her fingers down the curve of his spine, feeling each vertebrae shift with his next thrust, and dug her fingers in at the base of his back to keep him from pulling out, repositioning herself beneath him so he could thrust deeper. It all felt as if it was happening in slow motion; even if she wanted it faster, it seemed as if they were moving in water.

But she didn't want anything faster. She wanted it slower, to linger in this pleasure and peace, be lost in Kevin's eyes and touch forever. Here she was safe and cared for. Here she was protected and sheltered by him, and there was no pain, or sadness. He made her feel as if the world outside didn't exist and it was just the two of them. When he shifted, he placed his hand on the side of her face, and she realized to her surprise that there were tears on her cheeks.

Bringing her hand down his back again, she guided him inside again, not wanting to stop. She closed her eyes briefly, inhaling with his fullness and felt a smile cross her lips before she bit them together and lifted her hips to greet his. By the sound of his breathing she knew Kevin was close to orgasm. His head lifted slightly, but he still managed to watch her face as he released, arching his back plunging quickly inside her several times. With each one, she felt herself draw closer to her own orgasm and held onto his hips, keeping the pace until her muscles shook with the pleasure.

He quickly kissed her face, her eyes, her lips, and pulled her close once he lay back down, their bodies intertwined and tangled. She felt as if she couldn't get close enough, even as she heard his heartbeat in her ear and felt his breath on her shoulder. The slow kisses and tender touches continued, and she closed her eyes again, concentrating on his slowing heartbeat. Strong, steady, constant…pleasing her, putting her at ease, and she drifted back to sleep.

Kevin

"But I don't want pancakes!" Lyric whined from the kitchen. "I want peanut butter and jelly!"

"We're having pancakes, Lyric," Jana replied firmly. "Sit down and eat."

"Don't wanna!"

"Lyric…" It was that mother tone Kevin had teased her about the first time he'd heard it come from her. Today, there wouldn't be any teasing about it though. It sounded edgier than usual. "Don't start. Either sit down and have pancakes, or don't eat anything until dinner. Your choice."

"But I can make it myself!" Lyric whined.

"One," she started counting, not having to explain why. Each child knew they had until three to make up their minds before being sent to their room. Lyric started protesting again, but Jana merely counted to two.

"You don't make them right!" Lyric yelled angrily. "Granma makes them better!"

"I know that, Lyric!" That sounded a bit too shrill, even for the frustration. "But I made them, and that's what we're having. If you don't want it, you can go upstairs until dinner!"

Kevin heard the chair scrape back, and seconds later, Lyric came stomping loudly down the hallway with her arms folded and a pout on her face. "I hate you!" she screamed.

With that, Kevin took hold of Lyric's elbow and walked her upstairs to her room to the sound of loud sobs. "Stop it," he said slowly but firmly, sitting on the end of her bed and standing her in front of him. She stomped her foot, still with her arms crossed, and furrowed an angry brow at him. "Lyric Mary Richardson, stop it right now."

"I jus' wanted peanut butter and jelly!" she whined.

"Listen to me," he said, looking her directly in the eyes, "if I ever hear you use the word hate against me, your mother, your brother, or your sister, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are going to be the very least of your problems, do you understand me? I never want to hear that word come out of your mouth again."

Sobbing harder, Lyric stood in front of him, trying to catch her breath. "But she's being mean!"

Kevin nodded slowly and pulled her gently into his arms to soothe her. Seven-year-olds did not understand death or grief. They thought about fluffy clouds and all the ice cream, or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, you could eat. Sitting her on his knee, he kissed the top of her head. "Listen to me, okay?" he started slowly, waiting a moment for her to breathe a little easier. "Right now, your mama is very, very sad about granma and she's acting kind of crazy because of that." Before Lyric could protest, he lifted a hand to silence her. "I know that doesn't seem really fair to you right now, but that's just the way it's going to be for awhile. So, I need you to be on your very best behavior right now and help your ma out until she's feeling a little better."

"I don't like her pancakes," she whined, dropping her head down on Kevin's shoulder.

He patted her head and smiled to himself. Jana could do many things, but she still hadn't gotten the hang of cooking anything very well. Truth be told, he didn't like her pancakes either. "I know, Babydoll, but she tries really, really hard." Lyric put her tiny arms around his neck and sunk against him. He held her close, kissing the side of her head. "I'll see if I can sneak up a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to you, but it'll have to be our secret, okay?" Lyric pulled back and nodded slowly, still pouting. He kissed her quickly and stood up as she crawled onto her bed. "So, you gonna help me out and try to be on your very best behavior for me?"

"I'll try," she sighed, obviously not happy about it.

"Good girl. Thank you."



"Don't you dare," Jana said behind him as he stood at the kitchen counter. He turned, attempting to hide what was on the counter, but he knew she'd caught him. "Kevin!" She walked in and nudged him aside, pointing to the sandwich makings spread out. "How is she supposed to respect me if you keep going behind my back and undoing every discipline action I make?"

"Jan, it's just a sandwich…it's not espionage."

"Kevin!" Her mouth gaped open, and she blinked incredulously at him. "It's the intent. She's going to go to you every time I say something she doesn't like and get her way? Is that what you want to teach her?"

Placing a hand on Jana's back, he led her over to the table and sat her down, taking a seat next to her. He took hold of her hand and inhaled deeply, trying to figure out some way to explain how irrational she was being without causing more arguing. "Okay, look," he started, looking up to her, "I know what you're trying to say, but Jan… Don't you think you might have, maybe, gone over the edge a little bit?"

She pulled her hand back and leaned back into the chair, crossing her arms and lifting an eyebrow. "Over the edge?" she asked dryly.

"I'm not looking to fight with you, darlin', but this time? I think you may have overreacted. You've been a little on edge lately, and I just think that maybe Lyric pushed the wrong button before."

"On edge or over it, Kevin? Make up your mind."

He sat back and bit his tongue lightly, feeling his own patience waning. "I'm trying to discuss this with you, Jana."

"You're trying to tell me I'm falling apart."

"Honestly? Yes." He could only look at her, holding his breath to see what her reaction would be.

"Oh, sorry," she started and he sensed the sarcasm beneath the sticky sweetness of her voice. "I guess I just don't handle the death of a parent as well as you." She stood up. "Want to tell me what I'm supposed to be doing? Again?"

Kevin sat back and sighed heavily, looking up at her. "Okay, Jana? This is what I mean by you acting irrationally." He threw his hands up before pushing the chair back and standing up. "We're not out to get you! We're trying to help!"

"Well…stop being so damn helpful!" she yelled, pushing against his chest.

"Stop being a raving lunatic!" he yelled back, taking a step back and trying to control his voice. "Jana! Look what we're doing! What the hell do you want us to do? We can't keep living like this. We just can't. I know it's hard, and I know you're upset, but we can't keep going on like this. We don't know how to react anymore. The kids are confused and scared. I don't know how to talk to you at this point! What do you want me to do?"

"I can't do this now." She shook her head and he watched her eyes flood with tears. "Not now." Biting her lips together, she waved her hands at him and started out of the room.

"When, Jana?" he asked, his voice quiet, but firm.

"I have to go check on Dad," she answered, not turning back to him. She kept walking down the hall, took the keys off the hall table and headed out the door. One of the earliest things he had to learn about Jana was that, for all her energy and drive did not handle pressure well. He knew this about her and they'd barely been dating long when he figured that out.

Kevin could feel his muscles releasing and his head get lighter as he handed the joint over to Jimmy and held his breath a moment. Back by the Meadow Garden, a small group had gathered to celebrate the final game of the season. They hadn't had a stellar year, but individually, they'd all had a good season. The party wasn't a huge blow out, but these were the people Kevin started playing football with in junior high. Most were good friends, and they'd brought along their girlfriends. He hadn't been expecting Jana since she'd had some dance thing, but when he exhaled, he focused in on her coming up the path.

She paused, looking slightly confused, and then walked over to sit on the log next to him. He was already drunk, the pot making him slightly giggly and unsteady, but he attempted to be calm and lifted his chin up to accept a quick kiss hello. She put her hand in his hair, awkwardly smiling as she looked around the fire at the drunken and/or stoned people.

"I didn't think you were coming," he said cheerfully, attempting to shift up to sit closer to her.

"Yeah," she answered, biting her bottom lip nervously, "well…I got home earlier than I thought."

"Cool." He draped his arm across her shoulder and kissed her more fully, rubbing her shoulder. "Want something to drink?"

"No, that's okay." Her palms were flat against each other, and she slid them between her knees, lifting her shoulders up in the chill of the night.

"You cold?" He moved closer to offer warmth, but she remained fairly stiff next to him. She shook her head, and Kevin glanced to where she was looking, seeing Mickey glaring at them. "Come on. Let's go for a walk."

It was an attempt to make her feel more comfortable, but he knew he was nowhere near steady on his feet. Still, he managed to take her hand and head further down the small path to the dirt road and walk along the curve away from the others. "So? How'd it go?"

"Fine." She was definitely keeping her distance from him. "I, um…don't think I'm gonna stay, Kevin."

"Why?" That came out whinier than he wanted. "You just got here."

"I'm a little out of place, I think."

"I'll stop drinkin'," he promised, placing a hand over his heart.

She slowed down and released his hand. "What about smokin', Kev? I didn't think you were…like that."

He furrowed his eyebrows to focus on her and his head tilted back slightly. That small motion made the earth shift beneath his feet, and he stumbled slightly. "Like what?"

"Well…not like that, just…I didn't know that you…smoked pot."

"Not a lot," he said quickly. "Once in awhile. Just to chill, you know? Why? Is that a big deal?"

She hesitated, shoving her hands in the pockets of her jacket. "I don't really know," she answered slowly. "I never thought about it."

"So, what are you thinking about it now?"

"That I feel pretty stupid."

"Aw, come on…" he cooed, reaching his hand out to her. "Don't. It's not like I do it all the time." He wiggled his fingers, still reaching out to her, and tilted his head slightly. At this point, he wasn't sure if it was the drug and alcohol, or if it really was that dark that he could barely see her. Maybe she couldn't see him reaching out his hand. "Jan? Please? Take my hand. We can talk about this, okay? We'll take a walk…get some air…" She was still standing there. He could see that much, but she wasn't moving. "Don't go home yet. I want you to hang out with us."

"I don't…I'm not like…" she finally said. "I don't understand why you like me, Kevin."

Taking a step closer, he reached his hand out again. "Because you're not like them. Maybe that's why I do. Ever think a' that?"

"Not really. I just figure you might be more interested in someone that's a little more…outgoing."

"You're plenty outgoing," he encouraged, taking another step forward, able to put his hands on her waist now. "You're pretty, an' your smart, an' you don't do stuff just to be cool. That's pretty cool."

"Even if that means your friends think I'm a geek?"

He laughed and slipped his arm around her shoulder, starting a slow pace along the road. "Dang, Jana, most of my friends are geeks. Hell, I'm a geek. What difference does it make?"

"You're totally - not a geek, Kevin," she said softly, sounding almost embarrassed.

"Well…not all the time," he giggled, trying to hide his unsteady footsteps from her. "But enough." She scoffed, and he stopped as they came under a motion detection streetlight, wincing at the sudden brightness. "Do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Kiss me." He turned towards her and leaned in, slowly kissing her.

When she pulled back, the light had gone out, and she laughed teasingly. "You are so wasted, aren't you?"

"I'm completely fucked," he admitted. "But I still know what I'm doin'. And I like it." He leaned in to kiss her again, pulling her a little tighter against him. "Still want to go home?"

"Um…"

He smiled to himself, knowing she was flustered. Taking advantage of it, he moved in for another kiss, sliding his hand down her spine, placing it at the small of her back and pulled her against him a little more. He then leaned in, whispering into her ear, "Don't go home yet, okay?" before kissing her neck.

"Let's keep walking, Kevin," she managed to say between swallowing heavily, and he silently admitted to himself how proud he was that he'd made her flustered.

"Why?" he teased playfully, another giggle escaping. "Maybe we should sit down instead."

"That depends," she said. "Is that because you can't walk, or for some other reason?"

He giggled again. "All of the above?" He started walking, trying to move towards the rock overhang and not trip over the boulders in the dark. Wherever Jimmy had gotten his stash, it wasn't the usual blend...this time it was hitting him harder than ever before.

"Let's go back," she decided, stopping and just slipping her hand into his.

"Jan…"

"Please, Kevin?" He wasn't so far gone not to hear the fear in her voice. She was still afraid to be alone with him. "Let's just go back."

"Darlin', nothing's gonna happen." He wavered a bit, standing still, but she didn't move forward. No use. She wasn't going to be alone with him. Maybe he shouldn't have ground his hips against her. "All right," he sighed, moving back down the slight slope. "Fine. Let's go back."

"Don't be mad, Kev."

"You want to go back, we'll go back. That's fine."

"Kevin…"

He reached his hand out and looked down to the ground, not able to see anything anyway in the moonless night. He could tell he was on the dirt road at least, and that was enough for him to know how to go back without killing themselves in the dark. "This way."

"I'm sorry…" she said quietly.

He'd made her feel bad. Just the sound of her voice told him that, but it wasn't making a difference. "Sorry for what?" Right now, he didn't feel like being patient, and sooner or later, she had to trust him.

"I'm just not ready…"

"For what? Being alone with me? Ooh, I'm scary!" he said harshly. "I'm just some strange guy you're dating, right?"

"No, Kevin, you're not," she answered with the same tone. "And that's why I don't want to be alone with your right now."

"Well, that makes no sense." He stopped walking and waited for the earth to stop spinning under his feet.

"It would if you were sober," she grumbled. "Look…I don't want to mess this up with you, but I don't want to do anything that I'm going to regret, and when I'm alone with you, I start wanting to do more than I want because I don't think."

"Ever think that maybe you think too much?"

"No."

"What am I going to do to you, Jana? Huh? What do you think is going to happen?"

"Something I'm not ready for, and if you can't deal with that, than find someone else to date."

He listened to heavy footsteps walk away from him as his shoulders dropped. With anger and frustration, he slowly realized the pressure he was putting on her. "Jana, wait…" he called moments later, but he still heard her walking on. "Would you slow down?" He started after her and jogged slightly to catch up. She kept walking, but he put his arm around her shoulder and fell into step. "I don't want someone else," he said, slowing their pace slightly. "Okay? No pressure." She seemed to scoff, but slowed down. "No pressure, Jana. Promise."

He sat heavily and looked at the empty doorway. No pressure. When she'd left the ballet school, it'd been because of the pressure. When they'd been outed on the tour, she'd quit the tour. When she couldn't be in control, she panicked, and every reaction she'd had lately had stemmed from panic and trying to control everything she could. He couldn't promise there'd be no pressure, but he'd have to find a way to ease some of it…somehow.

Jana

Jana pulled up to the house, seeing Stacy out on the porch with Tom. She didn't really have to check on Tom, but it was better than staying in the house and having to fight with Kevin. All he way here, she'd thought about what he'd said, realizing it made sense and that she needed to back off...if she could only figure out how to pull away from the emotions when they flared up.

"What're you doing here?" Stacy asked as she stepped onto the porch.

"Just thought I'd stop by," she said, attempting to smile and kissing her father's cheek. "How's it going?" She sat next to Stacy and slipped down the cushion slightly.

Stacy and Tom both looked slightly confused. "Fine," Tom answered slowly, studying Jana. "How's it going with you?"

"Fine." She shrugged, picking a thread off her jeans, and when she glanced up, both of them were watching her. "What?"

"Trouble in paradise?" Stacy asked.

"No," she answered quickly. Maybe too quickly. "Everything is fine. Why can't I stop by?"

"I didn't say you couldn't," Stacy answered. "But you don't look like everything is just peachy, either."

Jana rolled her eyes and looked at Tom. "How're you feeling?"

Tom gave her one of his understanding looks and nodded slowly. "I'm feeling fine, Jana. You don't have to keep checking up on me. My phone works, you know. If I need anything, I know all I have to do is call."

"Did you feed the fish?" she asked, sitting up and looking over her shoulder toward the pond.

"Yes, I fed the fish," Tom replied patiently.

Stacy stood up and kissed Tom. "Well, I'm going to head home. I'll be by tomorrow morning to pick you up, Dad."

Once Stacy drove away, Tom leaned over and patted Jana's leg. "So, why are you really here? What happened?"

She shook her head, trying to look innocent. "Nothing, Daddy. Honest." Tom lifted an eyebrow at her and patiently sat. It was that all-knowing father look that she'd never been able to hide her secrets from. She'd started to notice that she had the same power with her children, but she still didn't know how she'd obtained the trick. Sinking sunk back into the cushions, she lifted a shoulder under her father's watchful eye. "I don't know, okay? I just got into a huge fight with Kevin somehow and needed to clear my head."

"What were you fighting about?"

"Me," she sighed. "I'm freaking him out."

Tom nodded with a slight smile. "I know." Jana glanced up to him quickly. "Honey, I raised you. I know the signs of you getting stressed out." He chuckled lightly. "And your kids talk."

She rolled her eyes. "My kids hate me right now. Kevin, too, I think."

"I doubt that," he said knowingly. "After eleven years, I think Kevin understands your moods a little better than you're giving him credit for. And your kids adore their mama."

Jana snickered. "Well, Lyric might not agree with you right now."

"I can guarantee you that you felt the same way about your ma and me at some point in your life, too. I doubt you've done any lasting damage."

"Ha, and you didn't?" she teased.

"If we did, would you be here right now?" Tom questioned seriously, immediately bringing tears to her eyes. He moved to sit next to her, taking hold of her hand. "Come on, now, baby, what's happening in that head of yours?"

"I wish I knew, Daddy." She put her head on his shoulder and let the tears flow quietly. "I just feel like…everything is just… I don't know. Nothing seems to be the way it's supposed to be. I keep waiting for everything to go back to being normal, and it doesn't. Well, it is, but it just doesn't feel normal anymore. And I don't know how to make it be that way anymore."

And that was about as honest as she could force herself to be. What she wanted to do was blurt out 'I want my mamma!' but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She was rational. She was an adult now. She had to be in control and understand that life wasn't fair, it was cruel, and she had to live with it. Like it or not.

Those times when Kevin got quiet, when he wanted to sit in the dark and silence...it suddenly made sense to her. He had to be doing the same thing she was attempting to do now: make sense of it all, miss his father, figure out what to do next, how to get past the ache that crippled breathing.

Silently, she had been preparing herself for the death of her father. Instead, He had taken her mother, and part of her was angry because it was supposed to be her father. Each time she thought of that, the guilt slammed into her and took her breath away. She couldn't believe she was swapping out the deaths of her parents. It was unconscionable…wasn't it? Would any of this be easier if it had been her father instead? Are you ever really prepared?

She felt Tom's arm wrap around her shoulder, and she closed her eyes in comfort. He'd always seemed bigger than life when she was little. All he'd needed to do was wrap an arm around her, and she'd felt secure and safe. Tears spilled faster down her cheeks, and she rested more closely against him, trying to find that safety again.

"You can't make it happen, Pretty. It just does it all on its own eventually," he whispered, his voice sounding distant. "The abnormality just becomes normal without you ever noticing it happening."

"I don't want it to," she answered, her voice sounding small. "I don't want this to feel normal."

Tom tightened his arm around her shoulder and just shushed her quietly. "She was too good a woman to suffer, Jana. It was a blessing that she went the way she did. Try to hold on to that. She didn't suffer at all."

"But what does that make us? You?" She pulled away slightly and blinked back tears as she looked at her father. "Why do you have to go through all these tests and treatments? What have you ever done to deserve this? Nothing! Why is Stacy's marriage falling apart when she's the one who's lived at the damn church for the past fifteen years? Where the hell is the justice?"

Tom rested a hand on her cheek and slowly shook his head. "We're not supposed to question the motives. That just gets confusing and makes you angry. There's a reason it's called faith, Jana. You have to believe it serves a purpose bigger than us."

"I believed in Santa Claus once, too, Dad," she snapped bitterly. "He was a lie in the end."

"But what a wonderful discovery it was to find out that all those things you loved and wanted came from the people who loved you," he answered with a slight smile. "Don't give up on the world around you just yet. There's so many secrets left to be revealed still."

The nightlight in the hallway lit her steps when she came home, but as she quietly made her way towards the kitchen, she heard Kevin clear his throat from the front parlour. The moonlight shone directly through the windows, and he was illuminated softly, turning to look over his shoulder as his arm spread across the back of the couch. "Hey," he said softly, as if his voice were moonbeams.

She went into the room and sat next to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and holding on tightly. "I'm sorry," she whispered, feeling his arms slide across her back.

"Me too," he replied, lowering his head down a bit.

"So, do you think you can make French Toasted PB and J tomorrow morning?" She pulled back slightly and offered a small smile. "I don't think I'd do it right."

"All you have to do, I think, is give her the usual." He took her face in his hands and wiped stray tears with his thumbs before leaning in and kissing her.

She leaned her forehead against his shoulder and sighed. "I'm trying, Kevin. I'm really trying…"

"I know."

Kevin

Time had no rhyme or reason. The more Kevin considered it, the less any measured amount of passage made sense. Yesterday was a decade ago, twenty-one years was just an hour. Some things were fresh and alive, while other distant memories were seconds old. One split second decision changed the course of a lifetime, and each tick of the clock reminded him of that as he watched Jana finally sleep.

What if he'd never left? Where had they been headed yesterday…at least, it felt like yesterday? Was it possible it was twenty-one years ago? A lifetime ago? Hell, several lifetimes?

If Nicole was there, that meant that Jana wasn't far behind, and Kevin felt his heart skip a beat. He wanted to be polite and talk to Nicole, but he had the overwhelming feeling to look around and see if Jana was there too, even if he had no idea what he'd say to her. Nicole patted his arm lightly, teasing him about his longer hair and saying he looked good. 'How was Florida?' she asked, and he fought the urge to say 'far from here.' Instead he smiled and said it was great, raved about the weather, doing some local theatre…until last week when he'd gotten that horrible phone call. He left that last part out and asked how things were in Irvine, reminding himself not to bring up Jana unless Nicole did.'

"Are you kidding? How is anything in Irvine? Boring and in the middle of nowhere. You haven't been gone that long, Kev!" she teased, patting his arm again. "You going to be around for awhile?"

"I'm not really sure," he answered, choking back the fear in the answer.

Suddenly, she looked sad, concerned. "Oh, that's right…I'm sorry. I forgot about your father's condition. How is he?"

He nodded and inhaled to get through the question. Eventually he'd be able to answer that without the panic in his chest. "He's doing okay..." '…For a guy with cancer,' he wanted to add. Slower, weaker, thinner…not like his father at all.

"We're all praying for him," Nicole said, leaning in to give him another hug. He wanted to pull back and tell her to quit groping at him. Instead, he patted her back quickly and pulled away with a mumbled 'thank you.' "You going to be hanging around the Bend again? There's a whole new crowd now."

He shrugged, looking to Mickey with that secret 'help' look they had. "Not sure, Nicole."

"Hey, Kev, let's go," Mickey said, knocking his hand into Kevin's arm easily. He nodded to him and looked back at Nicole. "Good to see you, Nicole."

"You too, Kevin." She leaned back against the car and crossed her arms loosely. "You still have my number? Call me."

As he walked away, he looked at Mickey and shook his head slightly. "She hasn't changed much, has she?"

"She drives now," Mickey laughed. "Now she's hitting on everyone in Irvine and the surrounding areas."

"Great," Kevin snickered. "She, um, still friends with Jana?"

Mickey whistled low and tilted his head to the side. "Wow. That was three days before you asked about her. That's pretty good, man."

"What? I'm not allowed to ask? I did date her for over a year, you know."

"Oh, I know," Mickey agreed. "And yes, they're still hanging out. But Jana's over you, dude. She was dating someone all this year." Kevin pursed his lips and nodded without comment. "Well, she wasn't going to sit around and wait for you to come back, Kev. Life goes on, you know? Even in Irvine."

"What?" Kevin asked defensively. "I didn't say anything!"

"You should have hung out a little bit longer," Mickey continued. "She's apparently been taking lessons from Nicole, if you know what I mean."

Kevin nodded again, biting the side of his tongue. It was going to be like this? Being back in the middle of nowhere, watching his father die, with only Mickey around from the old gang to hang out with? Old town gossip about him, gossip about everyone else still here…

"Her boyfriend was talking about it," Mickey continued when Kevin didn't respond.

Kevin shot him a stern look and stopped walking. "Look, Mikey, I don't want to know, okay?"

"Little jealous there, Kev?" he teased, nudging him playfully.

"No," he answered tiredly. "I just have more important things to think about."

That had shut Mikey up, but now, all these years later, Kevin couldn't help wondering. What if he had waited around a little longer?

Would they have spanned the globe together, separately, or would they have stayed right where they were now? Would there be a Foundation? Would his name ever have been on Broadway, or the West End? Would he have the studio? The Academy? Had this been the plan all along? Had it been necessary to jump through the hoops if they were going to end up back in Irvine anyway?

Would they have a child in college now? High school? Like his father had warned? Looking at Liam, considering his age, he seemed so young, but life would catch up in a blink. At eleven, Kevin had still been in Harrodsburg with his family, playing on the farm. AJ, Nick and Howie had already been in the kiddie talent circuit, going to school in their spare time. Hell, Nick had only been a year older than Lyric was now when he got started, and Lyric changed her mind like commercials on TV when you asked what she wanted to be when she grew up. What had caused Nick to stick with one thing at such a young age? What had caused any of them to focus so fiercely on entertainment at such young ages? While Nick had been strutting around on some Tampa stage, Kevin had been eighteen and still trying to figure out what to do with his life. Air Force, entertainment, marriage… He shook his head as the contrasts rattled in his mind.

It was all such an intricate weave of fragments and choices, chances lost and patched back together with fate.

Jana rolled over and smiled up to him lightly. "What're you doing?" she asked, her voice groggy.

"Thinking too much," he whispered, leaning over to kiss her forehead. "Go back to sleep."

"Thinking about what?" She moved closer to curl next to him, putting his arm around her waist.

"To be honest with you, I don't even know. I can't make sense of it." He snuggled closer and sighed comfortably. "The one thing that makes sense is you."

Jana

"Why did daddy leave?" Shannon asked as she ate breakfast before school.

Jana turned and looked at her. "He didn't go anywhere. He's upstairs, Shannon."

"No," she sighed, putting her spoon down, "back then. When you were in school."

"In the olden days," Liam teased, watching the movement on his palm game.

"Game down, Mister," Jana laughed. "For that crack, you may never see it again."

"Sorry, Ma," he giggled, turning to his breakfast.

"Daddy went to Florida because he wanted to be an entertainer," Jana explained, sitting down at the table with her coffee. "Why?"

"'Cause Karen's mama says she went to school with you and that he just disappeared one day," Shannon said. "And she can't believe that you two actually got married after what he did. What did he do?"

"Would you knock it off with this already?" Liam groused, rolling his eyes. "He married someone else. You already know that."

"Shannon, listen to me, okay?" Jana said, waiting for Shannon to look at her. "You're going to hear a lot of different stories every once in awhile about daddy and me. If something doesn't make sense to you, I'd rather you ask me than think the stories are true. Okay?"

"What kind of stories?" Liam asked, suddenly curious.

"That's just it, Lee," Jana shrugged, "I don't know what kind of things are being said about us anymore. Daddy and I know the truth, so if you hear something, ask us to tell you the truth, okay?"

"Oh, scandal," Liam laughed. "This should be more interesting than going to school in Louisville anyway."

"Well, let's see if you can pay more attention here than you did in Louisville," Jana said, poking Liam's arm.

"I wasn't failing," Liam protested.

"How about you try to do more than just not fail," Jana tilted her head and smirked at him. "How about you actually try to pass?"

Liam chuckled and finished his breakfast. "Same difference."

"Go," she tousled his hair. "You're going to miss the bus. Tell Lyric to hurry up." Both kids got up, but Jana reached out for Shannon and pulled her closer. "Sweetie, do you know Karen's mama's name?"

"Nicole Shane."

"Thanks, Bunny." She kissed Shannon's forehead and sent her on her way.



"I'll kill her," Jana exploded, walking into the bathroom while Kevin was in the shower.

"Her, who?" Kevin asked, sticking his head out from the curtain.

"Karen's mother!" She leaned back against the counter and crossed her arms. "Mrs. Shane? Do you know who Nicole ended up marrying?"

"Should I?"

He could never keep up with the old town gossip, she considered shaking her head. "Danny Shane," Jana bit angrily. "And Shannon's friends with her daughter. Nicole told Shannon that she can't believe I would marry you after what happened!"

"So, Shannon doesn't play with Karen anymore," Kevin said easily, going back into the shower.

"That's not my point, Kevin. Maybe we were wrong."

"How?" he asked.

"Coming back here. Maybe there might be too many stories about us."

She heard him chuckle, and then he peered back around the curtain. "Jan? There's going to be stories no matter where we go. Lots of people can't believe we hooked up, much less got married, much less came back here. You just don't like it that your friend Nicole is still talking." He went back into his shower.

"She's not been my friend for years," she said angrily. "But I don't want her telling our kids stories about things that they shouldn't know about in the first place!"

"So, tell her that."

She tilted her head, glaring at the curtain. "Gee, thanks for the support."

The water turned off, and he pushed the curtain back before taking a towel from the rack. "What do you want me to say, Jana? We'll move because someone's talking about us? I thought we were talking about staying for good just last night?"

"Never mind." She shook her head and walked out of the room.

Can't believe you married him after what he did… What about what Nicole had done? What about the lies Nicole had sold to her? Sitting around telling her stories and comforting her while she cried over it. Convincing her to go against herself to sleep with Mike, the next boyfriend… Blaming her for losing Kevin by not putting out when Jana had known in her heart of hearts that wasn't the reason he'd left. She'd never been able to figure out what it was back then, but she wanted to believe it wasn't because of anything she'd done…or hadn't done.

"Jan?" Kevin came into the room with the towel around his waist, hair still dripping onto his shoulders. "What do you want me to say?"

She dropped back onto the unmade bed and sighed. "I don't know. But she has no right to talk about anything to our children."

He sat next to her and dropped back next to her, turning to her. "People are going to talk, Jan. But you know what?" She turned to look at him and sighed again. "We've managed to keep our lives together in spite of the talk that's been said about us. Hell, most people around here don't even have what we do. A past, present and most importantly, a future."

"Tell me the truth," she said now, blinking the memory away and looking at Kevin as she leaned up onto her elbow. "You never screwed around with Nicole? Ever?"

"Jana…" He sat up with a sigh. "I told you already."

"Tell me again," she said. "Because what she told me killed me that day."

"I told you..." He turned to her. "I was fucked up and kissed her, but Jimmy and I left before anything could ever happen, and we left town a few hours later. I never talked to her, wrote to her, encouraged her, called her… I never liked her in the first place. Boys do talk in the locker room about certain girls and they talked all the time about Nicole. She didn't just have a reputation; she earned hers rightfully."

"I know she was easy. You sure you didn't just go to her because I wasn't?"

"I may have kissed her thinking that, sure." He stood up and headed towards the chest of drawers. "But I didn't want easy…I wanted you, and left. What difference does it make now, anyway?"

"None. It just…still hurts sometimes when I think about what she said about you, knowing how I felt about the whole thing."

"What 'whole thing?' There was no 'whole thing' to feel about."

"Yes, Kevin, there was. You know she kept telling me to sleep with you, don't you?" She looked up at him. "That I was going to lose you if I didn't. She explained everything to me, even showed me with a banana, but I never did." He looked shocked and laughed slightly. "She did." She chuckled sarcastically and looked out the window, dropping back onto the bed again.

"Well, why didn't you then, if you got such worldly advice?" he asked sarcastically.

"I was a good girl, and good girls didn't. I was petrified. Scared I would do something wrong… Embarrassed I would screw it up somehow. I was sixteen and knew nothing, and what she was telling me grossed me out."

"Jana, that was rhetorical. I knew why nothing happened and respected that, remember?"

"But I was so in love with you, I felt guilty saying no. And if I had seen you again, I probably would have said yes if you'd tried again. Especially after that last night we spent together. That's why I wanted to go home so quickly. I was scared I was going to say yes if you pushed any more."

Those green eyes watched her every move, even when she wasn't moving. Just the two of them, lying next to each other in that small bottom bunk in St. Michael's cabin with candles lit around them. He was only wearing his jeans, and she was in a much more compromising position of wearing only her bra and panties, but his skin felt so soft and warm against hers.

"What?" she whispered, feeling herself blush. She lifted an arm up, attempting to cover some part of her, but he slowly smiled and took her wrist, placing her hand on his belly.

"You're so pretty," he said, moving to cover her, lowering his head to kiss her gently.

She didn't want to think of what was happening, where this might be leading, how she was going to get the courage up to deny her body again, how she was going to say no to him. Especially when he covered her like this, touched her skin softly enough to give her Goosebumps. When he kissed beneath her ear, she could barely breathe, feeling a deep arousal between her legs... enough to bring her hips up against his thigh.

Without words, he pulled her onto her side, and his fingers played with the clasp of her bra, freeing her from it. Once it was off, she was on her back, and he fondled her stiffening nipples before leaning over to slide his mouth over one of them. She caught her breath and stiffened beneath him, but all the while, it just felt so good.

"God, I want you," he mumbled, moving his kisses to her mouth and his hand along her torso.

She turned her head away to stare at the paneling of the wall and bit her lips together. "I can't."

"You can," he mumbled against her neck. "But won't. I know." But his hands still moved along her body, sliding slowly along the outside of her thighs, across the top of her panties and then down along the inside. Without words, he managed to coax her legs open, his fingers tickling the skin before rubbing over the wetness of her panties. With another sweep of his hand, deep within another kiss, his hands slid beneath the material to the slick flesh between her legs, and she moaned into his kiss as his finger slid along her clit. "God, you're so wet," he whispered, kissing her jaw and neck. "I just want to…" He slid his finger inside of her, and she caught her breath again as he slowly pulled out.

She shook with nerves, not knowing what she was supposed to do, thinking that any movement would give him the idea that she was more willing. If she touched him, it would be more of a tease. And she'd never touched a guy before to know what to do. Nicole had tried to tell her what she should do, showing her with a banana in her kitchen, but Jana just blushed and giggled, trying to change the topic. Nicole hadn't let her. Instead, she'd, peeled the banana and showed her more than she'd wanted to know. She just couldn't do that.

He slid a finger inside of her again, and she held onto the thin mattress, trying to remember how to breathe. This is how teenagers got pregnant, she reminded herself. It just felt too good to say no, and she felt guilty for not saying yes. And if she tried to say anything at this point, it wouldn't make any sense. Her body had a mind of its own, lifting against his hand as she gasped in delight.

"You like that?" he asked quietly against her neck. She nodded, breathing raggedly as he slid his finger in again, and again…and again. "Relax, darlin'," he mumbled before kissing her, mimicking his movements with his tongue. She clutched the mattress harder, spread her legs a bit further and felt the room start to spin as her orgasm took over her body. "Damn, that was sexy," he mumbled, thrusting his hips against her thigh, his breath hard against her shoulder.

What should she do? How was she supposed to do it? She couldn't. Her parents would kill her if they found out. Kevin pressed against her again, and she listened to his breath come quicker against the sound of the crickets. "Just…oh, God," he muttered, closing his eyes and biting his lips together before he was silent and stiff against her.

"I have to go home," she said quickly, pulling away from him and looking around for her clothes. She was embarrassed and ashamed, guilty and scared. "My father's going to kill me if I'm late."

"Jana…" She had her back to him, fumbling with her bra clasp with shaking fingers. Seconds later, she could feel his lips against her spine and she wanted to sob and scream all at once. He kissed her shoulder and neck as he sat up, leaning his chest against her back and wrapping his arms around her waist before a hand slid up to cup one of her breasts. "I can't hold out forever. Nothing bad would happen. I have protection…"

"I can't," she said, pulling away and stepping into her jeans. "I told you…"

"It's been over a year, though." He put his hands on his knees and dropped his head. "What's going to convince you…?"

"I can't, Kevin. Please…don't ask me."

He turned his head to the side and exhaled heavily. "I'm not," he grumbled. "I'm just…" He bit his lips together and shook his head. "You're gonna be late for curfew." He reached to the end of the bed and grabbed his tee shirt before standing up. "I'll meet you outside." He kissed her quickly and headed out the door.

"I didn't push," he protested.

"Bullshit you didn't!" she laughed.

He tilted his head slightly. "I might have nudged you a bit, but push?"

"One man's nudge…another's push," she told him. "Either way, I wanted to, and I guess, partly because of what Nicole had told me, I regretted not sleeping with you."

He laughed and kissed her quickly. "So did I. But I think we've more than made up for it, don't you?"

"Don't you wish, though, sometimes, that there was a do-over?"

"In the end, I think we made the right decisions. Who knows? You may have slept with me and regretted that and we wouldn't be here today. You would have resented me."

"I would not."

"Yeah, you would. You'd have done it out of guilt and not desire."

"You're wrong. It would have been more out of desire than guilt. Trust me, I wanted to, but I was too scared to admit it."

"Then that would have been the resentment," he said easily. "Jana, I didn't leave because of anything you did or didn't do. We both know all this already. I left because I wasn't going to get anywhere if I stayed, because I had a fight with my father about my future and he wanted me to do more. It wasn't anything against you. I was tossed out of the nest and forced to fly, so to speak."

"You soared, though."

"Yeah, and so did you," he reminded her. "And we're back where we started which only proves one thing to me."

"What's that?"

"We were right all along. And the fact that Nicole is still talking about it tells me that she's still jealous of you. And she should be. You weren't like her and she wanted you to be, so you'd be down on her level."

"Well, aren't you philosophical?"

"No." He kissed her quickly. "I'm right. Now, can we forget about Nicole?"

She lifted up and kissed him, draping her arms around his shoulders and pulled him down with her. "Nudge me," she teased, sliding her fingertips down his spine. "I might give in this time."


They were both downstairs freshly showered, smiling silently at each other and not needing to talk. Kevin looked over the rim of his mug as he sipped his coffee and Jana smirked knowingly. It had been ages since they'd spent the morning making love and lounging in bed, recuperating before another round.

"Hello?" There was a knock at the screen door, and Jana looked down the hall to see her father coming in.

"Hi, Daddy," she said, her eyes laughing as she glanced at Kevin.

"Late morning?" Tom asked, looking at them with a smile. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No," Kevin scoffed, motioning to a chair. "Coffee?"

Tom waved him off, but took a seat. "I just came by to tell you the good news in person."

"Good news?" Jana asked, hopefully, sitting up a bit more straightly.

"I had a doctor appointment this morning, and they told me it's gone," Tom announced. "The treatments worked." His smile was the brightest Jana had ever seen. "Clean bill of health." He reached out and took Jana's hand. "It's over."

Jana wiped the tears from her eyes as she finished kissing her father's cheek. "We have news, too," she told Tom, taking his hand. "Kevin and I decided last night that this is home. We're staying."

Like a ghost don't need a key ¯ Your best friend I've come to be ¯
Please don't think of getting up for me ¯ You don't even need to speak

When I've been here for just one day ¯ You'll already miss me if I go away ¯
So close the blinds and shut the door ¯ You won't need other friends anymore ¯
Oh, don't leave home, oh, don't leave home

And if you're cold, I'll keep you warm
If you're low, just hold on
Cos I will be your safety
Oh, don't leave home

I arrived when you were weak ¯ I'll make you weaker, like a child ¯
Now all your love you give to me ¯ When your heart is all I need ¯
Oh, don't leave home, oh, don't leave home

And if you're cold, I'll keep you warm
If you're low, just hold on
Cos I will be your safety
Oh, don't leave home

Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be ¯ When it's just you and little me ¯
Everything is clear, and everything is new ¯
So you won't be leaving will you

And if you're cold, I'll keep you warm
If you're low, just hold on
Cos I will be your safety
Oh, don't leave home,

Cos I will be your safety ¯ Cos I will be your safety ¯ Cos I will be your safety
Oh, don't leave home*

* Don't Leave Home
-- Dido, Life for Rent © 2003

Kevin & Jana's High School Story Alone