by The Paperbag Princess (c. 1997-98)

The boy Kate had picked up offered me a hit of something and I just rolled my eyes at him. What was I doing here again? Could someone please tell me? Ever since I'd gotten back from my vacation with my friends, the club scene had lost its allure. Drugs and posing and being seen and drinking too much. I was getting too old for the hangovers; I had work to do.

Christ, I sound ancient.

Kate took the hit he offered with a laugh. She was why I was here. Her behavior was beginning to frighten me, she was trying too hard to lose herself in dancing and drinking and drugs, and this man who looked suspiciously like Nick Rhodes back in the day.

"Em!"

I glanced down at a familiar face looking up at me. "John!"

My childhood was standing at my feet. My teenage crush had become my friend, how weird was life? How bizarre that John Taylor smiling up at me made me feel normal and happy.

I've drunk too much, I'm theorizing everything.

"What, I don't even rate a hello? Bad enough you can't return my calls."

I looked past John to Simon, kneeling down to hear them both a bit better. "Oh, I've got better things to do than talk to washed up pop stars."

Simon mock-scowled at me and I laughed. "What are you doing here, John?"

"Hoping to see you." He was so obscenely charming when he wanted to be. "And Simon told me you were the queen of the town now."

Our eyes met for a moment and I leaned closer to him. "Save me. Get me out of this place."

"You are so much smarter than I was at your age."

"No great feat."

He laughed, helping me swing down off the speaker, which attracted Kate's attention. "Where are you going, Em?"

"To hang with John. Simon will keep you company."

She looked down at us haughtily, rolling her eyes at John. "Are those Birkenstocks on your feet, Johnny?"

He nodded. This is not my teenage crush. My John Taylor would never wear shoes purely for the comfort level. And where was his hair? I'd been so blinded by his smile for a moment that I'd not noticed he was now sporting a buzz cut.

Shaking her head, she looked at me. "Get him out of here, Em."

Simon grinned up at her. "May I stay, oh queen of footwear?" He always laughed at her bitchy moments. I think it was one of the reasons she liked him so.

She considered his outfit first, then extended a hand to him. "Even if Gianni is a competitor."

Simon hopped up on the speaker next to her, and I caught his eye, warning him to take care of her, before looking at her again. "Call me tomorrow."

She waved me away, turning to dance with Simon. Sighing, I took John's hand and led him through the crowd. "What was that?"

"Nothing. She's just been impossible lately."

"That's fairly standard behaviour for Kate Sutton."

I turned to face him, standing in the middle of the dance floor. "I don't want to talk about it. I know you don't like her, but I do. If you bring her up again, I'll start to feel guilty for leaving her, and I'd like to enjoy our visit." He considered me for a moment, then nodded with a small smile. "Now. What the fuck happened to your hair?"

"I cut it."

"Obviously, Johnny. But why?"

He just shrugged, and I smiled at him. It looked good on him, as I got used to it, brought out the lovely structure of his face. "When are you going back to L.A.?"

"Tomorrow."

"How long have you been in town?"

"A few days. You really don't return phone calls, dear."

He was right. "Well, you've found me now. Let's get the hell out of this place." I started to lead him towards the VIP lounge and he hesitated.

"But the door-"

I grinned at him. "I know the back way, through the VIP area. Gotta go up before you come down, right?" He laughed, following me up the stairs, still holding my hand.

Almost to the door, and foiled. "Leaving so soon, Em? Its only 12."

Alex. He always seems to appear in the most unlikely places. "Got a better offer." Shit. I had to hold back my giggles. I'd always teased Alex that he was the John Taylor of the 90s, and now here they both were. "Alex, this is my friend John Taylor. John, Alex James."

Alex's eyes widened slightly in surprise, then our eyes met and we began to laugh. Nice to know he remembers something about our relationship.

"My theory is shot to hell. You two can appear in the same place at the same time." Alex laughed again, but John looked lost and I had to fill him in. "See, John, I have this theory that Alex is the John Taylor of the 90s."

"Oh?" John turned to look at Alex, not quite buying my theory.

"The obvious one is that you both play bass in really successful bands, but that's boring," I offered.

Alex looked at me, trying to remember. "We both use our middle names." We began talking nearly on top of each other, remembering. It was like another lifetime, when I used to watch Duran videos and tease him.

"Penchant for ugly hats."

"Great fringe. Only mine's not blond."

"Square jaw and a good nose."

"Well dressed."

"Maybe at one point, but have you seen his shoes?" I countered, and Alex laughed.

"We both worked with Stephen Duffy at one point or another."

I stopped. "How is Stephen? I haven't seen him in ages."

"He's good. I'll tell him you were asking after him." He smiled at John. "And that you were with John Taylor, he'll get a kick out of that." I had pumped Stephen for information on the early days of Duran, buying him many drinks in exchange for juicy stories...

"Duffy? You’ve worked with Duffy?" John was intrigued, and Alex nodded.

"Yeah, we just put out a single. We’ve been friends for a while, he lives right down the street from me."

I laughed. "Duffy says some terrible things about you in last month’s Select, John."

"Like what? I was still innocent when he was in the band."

"He claims he corrupted you," Alex offered, then glanced at me. "You saw that?"

"Of course." I suddenly remembered that gorgeous picture of him, and hoped my blush didn’t show in the dim lights of the club. "Nice pictures."

"I thought they were crap. You should have done them."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "You can’t afford me anymore, darling."

He started to say something, but a kiss on my cheek made me jump. "Em!"

I turned, finding the rest of Blur standing behind me. "Dave! What are you doing here? You never go clubbing!"

"Oh, its all some brilliant idea from Select. Vox. Whoever. It’s worth it to see you." Now I noticed their entourage, a photographer I knew vaguely, and I assumed the reporter was the guy I didn’t know.

"Oh. All of Blur out together. How... Monkees-esque." Dave laughed, and I introduced them all to John, smiling to myself when the reporter began taking notes. How fucking surreal, all these pop stars together. Shit like this never happened in real life.

John turned his charm on them, telling them how much he liked their work, and of course they returned the compliment. Closet Duranies, each of 'em. I moved closer to Alex, who was smoking a cigarette, not really listening to the Duran lovefest. Alex, the one who had stolen all of John's basslines at one point or another. But god forbid he admit that in front of the press...

The song floated into my consciousness and I turned to Alex with a laugh. "Did Kate tell you?"

Alex looked at me, puzzled. "Kate?"

"Your Kate, Kate Charms. I'm doing their video."

Oops... guess she hadn't told him. Alex's expression darkened, and he glared at his cigarette. "No. She didn't mention it."

"Well, I just met with them, on my way back through New York..." Last week. Surely she would have mentioned it to him? The shoot was only a few days away now, right before I started the Oasis tour.

Definitely don't mention the Oasis tour, Em. Wouldn’t that nice reporter just love that? I felt vaguely guilty about working with Blur's sworn enemies, but I'd met with Noel and he wasn't so bad, and the money they'd offered was staggering.

"I thought you didn't do videos."

"I never have. But I spent a week with my friends, and they talked me into it. And the Charms liked all my ideas to keep it low key and simple." I was growing more excited by the day, a new challenge to keep me interested.

"Hm." He didn't quite look at me. "Which song?"

"This one. Ice Cream Saturday."

"Of course."

What was that supposed to mean? I was perplexed by his change in attitude but hesitant to pry. He'd told me he cared for her, were they fighting again?

That wasn't it, but I left it as such. I joked with the others, trying to ignore the fact that Alex was barely with us, brooding over Kate, no doubt.

I really needed to get out of here. I made my way over to John, taking his hand. He had such beautiful hands, large and graceful, and he laced his fingers through mine without a second thought, grounding me a bit. "Well, we were on our way out..."

He leaned closer to me, whispering. "We can stay, if you'd like to see your friends. Make the papers."

I smiled into his eyes and shook my head. "No. I can see this lot anytime. And who wants to be in the papers?"

"Hey, its the only way Duran can get any press any longer."

We said our good-byes and finally left, clattering down the metal steps to the nearly quiet alley behind the club. At the bottom of the stairs, I stopped to find a cigarette in my purse.

"Are you OK, Em?"

I smiled at him as I lit my cigarette. "I'm fine. It was just weird, being with them."

"Memories."

"Some. And I just signed a contract with their mortal enemies, seeing them makes me feel guilty."

"Oasis? Really?" He was suitably impressed. As well he should be, really. They were only the biggest band in the world at the moment. "What are you going to be doing?"

"Following them on their U.S. tour next month, it'll be a book. A big coffeetable jobbie, suitable for Christmas time giving. They're paying me a fucking mint, what's a month on the road with the two biggest egos in pop music?"

Our eyes met and we both grinned. "It's a book."

He read me so well sometimes. "With my name on the cover in big letters. Is this like seeing your first album on the rack?"

"I imagine it is."

Unable to contain my glee, I hugged him, and we danced a bit down the alley, giggling. It was so nice to share this with someone. My friends at home were suitably thrilled, but far away, and my Kate was too wrapped up in her troubles to care much.

"We should celebrate. Where do you want to go?"

"Home." It slipped out before I really thought about it, and I regretted it the instant I saw his eyebrow arch.

"Happily, darling. My place or yours?"

"Mine, but that's not what I meant. Honestly, Johnny, going home is a happy break from my normal routine. Do you mind? I could probably scare up some dinner, and we could just sit and talk..."

He took my arm with a smile. "I'd love to. But... dinner, at this hour?"

"I don't think I ate tonight..." I had to think for a moment. "No, I didn't. So let's go home and see if I have any food."

We chatted aimlessly as I found my way, wanting to walk on this gorgeous night. "You and Alex seemed... friendly."

"Did we?"

"I expected sparks, after what Simon told me..."

I laughed. "Oh, that was ages ago. Alex and I are both adults, we've learned to be civil when we run into one another now."

"Does that happen often?"

"Not particularly..." Although he tends to appear in the most unexpected of places. "I ran into him a couple of weeks ago in New York. He was with his new girlfriend."

"Oh." That seemed to stop this line of questioning, thankfully. "What were you doing in New York? What was he doing in New York?"

"I was doing a shoot, and Kate is friends with that band. And I'm doing a video for her band at the end of the month."

He was quiet for a moment, fitting all the pieces together. "Kate Charms."

"Yes."

"I really like them. I think Simon knows their lead singer?"

"Yeah, I think so. I didn't really talk to her. Don't they fucking rock? I so love that album. And they just happened to be releasing my favorite track as the next single, so it just worked out perfectly."

"Will that be weird for you, working with Alex's girlfriend?"

"Why should it be? We're all grown-ups."

"Does she know about you and Alex?"

Does she? Did he ever tell her anything? "Yes. I don't know if she knows details, but she knows. I don't think she has a problem with it at all." I wasn't entirely sure of that, I kept getting mixed signals from her at that pre-production meeting. There wasn't much I could do about that. "I don't know... we'd sort of switched lovers that first day we met, it was a little weird."

"Excuse me?" He was completely flabbergasted, and I laughed.

"Well, she was with Alex, and I was with the lead singer of this band she knew, and evidently she and Courtney had had some little fling at some point..." I had to laugh at his expression, as he stopped walking, his jaw on the ground. "I would think in my line of work you would expect me to have one-night stands with pop stars!"

"A one-night stand, Emmie?"

"Yes. Spare me the moralizing, Mr. Taylor. How many one-night stands have you had in your lifetime?"

"But..."

Rolling my eyes in mock exasperation, I continued walking. "I do enjoy sex. I just don't have it very often."

He caught up with me. "That's not what I meant... it just seems a little out of character."

"I suppose it is. It's not something I intend on repeating. I ended up feeling ... uncomfortable with him the next day. But maybe that's just Courtney's charming personality."

"Was he mean to you?"

"Not in the least. Just himself." Shaking my head, I stopped to admire the flowers for sale at an all-night grocery. "The day after was very odd, Alex was there like some ghost, dragging me back to reality."

"Alex is reality?"

"Sort of..." I considered my statement whilst pondering the tulips.

"Better question. What's reality?"

"Reality is that I have better things to do with my time than fuck pop stars. I deal with enough egos at work. I just want a nice, normal guy, John, is that too much to ask?"

"Do you ever meet nice, normal guys, Emmie?"

I looked up at him, smiling. "No. I only meet pop stars."

"And I suppose I'm not normal enough?" He was in a charming mood tonight, flirting at every other turn. Too bad he didn't really mean any of it.

"John, you will never be 'normal', whatever that means. Deal with it. You are a pop star through and through."

"Damn." Grinning, I reached for a bunch of yellow tulips, but John got them first. "Have to get you something to say congratulations."

"Thank you." I had to bite back giggles as he paid for them. My friends were going to love this. Duran had tossed tulips around in some old video, and ever since then, tulips had been an in-joke with us. Tricia had even carried some in her wedding bouquet. And now John Taylor was buying tulips for me! My life was too bizarre and wonderful.

I took my flowers and we continued on our trek to my apartment. "So, a video, is Duran next?"

I laughed, glad to be talking about work, rather than my increasingly complicated personal life. "Hardly. This is going to be me and a hand held camera, black and white film, just following them around the city. Not quite Nick's idea of great art."

"Nick thinks anything you do is great art, Em."

I laughed. "Surely not. No, no, this thing with the Charms is truly an experiment. I'm very scared."

"Then why do it?"

The light was against us at the corner, and I turned to look at him. "Just because it scares me doesn't me I shouldn't do it."

"I don't mean that. I just find it a little odd that you're doing a video for Alex's girlfriend."

The light turned and I stepped into the street, glaring at the car that tried to run me over. He caught up with me on the sidewalk, and I shook my head at him. "The Charms are the first band that asked me."

"Surely not."

True. He had me there. "OK, no. But they asked me at the right time."

"And it doesn't have anything to do with Alex?"

Therapy boy. Why did I like him again? "So what if it does? Is that a bad thing?"

"I'm not saying that. I'm just saying..." He tried to push the hair out of his eyes, a nervous gesture, but he didn't have any hair to fiddle with, and dropped his hand. "I just think that you should realise it."

I pondered the intersection, debating which way would be quickest to my apartment. Well, a cab would be quickest, but sometimes I felt like my life was spent in cabs. He followed dutifully when I turned, and we walked quietly for a bit.

"I do realize it."

"And you said yes anyway."

"I did. For a lot of reasons. One of them is that the pop music industry, especially in England, is very incestuous. And if I try to avoid every band that has some link to Blur, I'm just shooting myself in the foot. Hell, Oasis wants me to do this book just to piss Blur off."

"No they don't. It might be an added benefit, but I'm sure that Oasis thinks you're a brilliant photographer."

I smiled at him. "You're so affirming."

He just shrugged. "Just truthful. What are the other reasons you're doing this video for the Charms?"

"I like them, and the song, and they like my ideas. It's a new challenge, and I'm looking forward to learning how to do a video. I'll get more exposure from one video as director than probably all the work I've done this summer combined."

"And?"

Shaking my head, I looked over at him. "Why do you know me so well, John?"

"You do write me emails just about every day, Emmie. Why else?"

"Because I want a chance to get to know Kate without seeming like I'm obsessed with Alex. Which I'm not. What we had is long in the past." Keep saying that, Em, maybe one day you'll believe it.

"But." He was so good at dragging things out of me. Usually things that I barely realized were true myself.

"But... I still want to see him happy. And I'm not sure that he's happy with Kate. I don't know, the one time I saw them together, they were fighting, I shouldn't jump to conclusions."

"Are you jealous?"

I considered that for a moment. "A bit, probably. But you saw his face when I mentioned the video to him tonight. I just want to make sure she's worthy of his affection."

"She's been linked to a lot of guys in the press, hasn't she?"

And she's pregnant by one of them, but I probably didn't need to tell John that. "Yeah. That's not it, though. I just know Alex, and he gets a bit... obsessed with things. Books, and astronomy, and drinking. Me, at one time."

"Drinking?" He arched an eyebrow at me. Should have known he would have picked up on that one.

"He drinks a lot. So do I, on occasion. No worries, John, he's OK. At least he was with me. Anyway, I just want to check her out a little. I'm sure she wants to do the same with me. Is that OK? Does it make me obsessed with Alex? I'm sure you want to check out Amanda's new boyfriends, don't you?"

"Keanu Reeves," he informed me calmly. "I can just rent his movies."

I squealed. "Oh, my god! Are you serious?" He nodded, and I laughed. "Why is she so lucky? From you to Keanu? She has a thing for cheekbones, doesn't she?"

He chuckled. I loved it when he chuckled. "I suppose she does. Before you ask, he's very nice. He loves Bean."

I put my arm through his, happy to turn the subject away from me. "Does he love Bean too much?"

"No. He's fine. He does buy her an awful lot of presents."

"Like you don't?"

We talked about Amanda long after we got to my apartment, even as I had him help me off with my unwieldy go-go boots. But we got distracted as I tried to make us dinner, discovering that the best I could do was tuna sandwiches. Which of course led to Duranie jokes about all the tuna sandwiches they ate in '89.

Three o'clock found us curled on the couch, laughing at MTV. Ah, John, why couldn't he be my nice normal guy?

Laughing, he turned to make a comment to me, and my heart must have been in my eyes. He stopped, his face turning serious, and I reached out to stroke his cheek. "Oh, don't be serious, you have such marvelous laugh lines."

"Em." Our eyes met for a long moment, making my pulse race. It was simply impossible that John Taylor could be finding me attractive right now, my hair yanked back in a braid, wearing my most comfortable pajamas.

The phone rang, and I jumped.

We moved apart, both of us a bit surprised at what almost happened. "It's after 3, should you answer that?"

"Oh, it’s... probably nothing. I never answer my phone, I get a lot of weirdos anymore."

"Ah, so that's why you never pick up," he teased while my voice chirped out from the answering machine.

"No, I'm..."

"Em? It's Damon. Fuck, are you there?" I grabbed the phone. Damon? At this hour? Something must be wrong.

"Damon? What is it?"

"It's... Kate." My heart leapt into my throat. Damnit, what had she done? "She's freaking out, Emmie. Trashing the place."

"What place?"

"Her flat." What was Damon doing at Kate's? I so didn't want to know. I left her with Simon, he was supposed to take care of her.

"I'll be right there."

"Good."

I hung up the phone and turned back to John, my mind racing. "What's happened, Em?"

"It was Damon. He's with Kate, says she's trashing her apartment..."

He stroked my hair, calming me. "Throw on some clothes, I'll call you a cab."

Nodding, I jumped off the couch, going to my room to find jeans and a T-shirt. When I came back, John had turned off the TV and lights for me, handing me my keys and wallet. "It'll be here in a few minutes, I'll walk down with you."

"Where are you staying? Can we drop you?"

"No, I called one for myself. Far past my bedtime anyway."

I considered him for a moment. "Thank you, John."

"Anytime, Emmie. Anytime."

"I'm sorry to ruin our nice night."

He shook his head, opening the door to the hallway for me. "Kate needs you. We'll have other nights."

Will we? Was it good or bad that the phone rang right then?

Los Angeles. Could I live there?

No. Nobody walks in L.A.

I bit back a slightly hysterical giggle as I locked the door behind us. I didn't have much time for contemplating John, as our cabs were there when we walked outside. We said a quick good-bye, and he gave me a hug before opening the cab door for me.

The drive to her apartment was interminable, as I contemplated what could have happened to make her freak out. And what the hell was Damon doing there?

He buzzed me in as soon as I hit the intercom and I ran up the five flights to her fucking walk-up. I could hear commotion in the background when he opened the door.

"What happened?"

He looked guilty. I didn't want to know.

"Just cut to the chase. What's she on?"

"Nothing. I grabbed some coke away from her, because she was already flipping out. She freaked because she couldn't find the kettle, Jarvis took it? I think he picked up the last of his stuff today."

Shithead. I pushed past Damon, heading towards the bedroom. "It's locked. She wanted me to leave, but I didn't think that was a good idea."

"At least you did one thing right this evening." I turned, heading for the bathroom. There was a connecting door to the bedroom, and that lock was broken.

"Em!"

I threw him a look, my hand on the doorknob. "Call Jarvis, ask him what the fuck he did. Why do you all think she has no feelings?"

The bedroom was a shambles, all the drawers of the dresser overturned and pawed through, two broken against the wall. She screamed at me to get out the moment the door opened, and I had to duck when she threw something at me. "Katie-"

"Don't fucking call me Katie! What the hell are you doing here?" She looked awful, tear tracks cutting through her clubbing make-up, her hair sticking up in all the wrong directions, her battered T-shirt ripped and torn.

"Damon called me. He was worried about you."

"I got him off, why is he still here? All the others leave after they come, but no, Damon has to fucking call you to save me. Well, I don't fucking need saving, Miss fucking perfect Emma Jane Evesham."

Christ, I hadn't even been here, and she was ready to make this my fault. "You need something, dear. This isn't entirely average behavior," I noted, motioning around to her shambles of a bedroom.

"I need some fucking drugs, but Damon took them from me!" She shrieked the last at the door, tossing a nearby book at it for good measure.

"I rather think that perhaps your problem is too many drugs already."

Glaring, she turned on me. Uh-oh. "Fuck you, Emma." I hated it when people called me 'Emma'. It invariably meant I was in trouble, with everyone except Jarvis. "What the fuck do you know about anything? You think it hurt when Alex cheated on you after a few months? That was nothing. That was sex. Jarvis loved you. You were all he could talk about for weeks, think how that made me feel. You were everything I could never be, sweet, and smart, and gorgeous, and he pointed that out to me every chance he could get. And even after you finally left my goddamn life, I still wasn't good enough for him and his new fucking fame."

Silence for a moment as we both contemplated the truth spread out around us. "So don't you fucking judge me if I want to ignore my pain by taking a pill. You hid in your apartment for months, is it any fucking different?"

"No. No, it’s not really different." She met my eyes defiantly, hoping that I wouldn't notice her tears, but they were all I could see. We'd never really talked about Jarvis, certainly not my history with him beyond the occasional catty comment. "But ultimately, you have to deal with it, Kate. I'm sorry, but you left Jarvis. Either try to get him back or don't, but don't keep hiding from it." Good fucking advice, Em, maybe you should listen to yourself.

"Fuck you. Get out of my life, I don't need your goddamn advice."

I started to answer her, but the blood on her face distracted me. "Shit, Kate! You're bleeding!" The scowl dropped from her face at the mention of blood, she was the squeamish sort. I moved over to her, ignoring the debris in my way, practically dragging her into the bathroom with me and sitting her on the edge of the tub. It wasn't her face, but her hand, two deep gashes on her palm. "What did you throw?"

She shrugged, acting like a sulky child. "Everything."

Shaking my head, I wet a washcloth, wiping the blood and smeared make-up off her face. Ah, there she was. "What did you do, Katie?"

"Don't call me that."

"Sorry. I know, only Jarvis gets to call you that."

Her face crumpled when I said his name. This was all his fault, wasn't it? "And he's gone. He took everything, Em. Everything. Like he was never here." I'd never seen Kate look this... real. She'd only ever been guarded when we talked about Jarvis, before tonight, I'd had no idea how much he'd hurt her.

"Was that it, then?"

"I wanted to find something. Just one thing to prove that he'd ever loved me."

"He did love you, Kate. He might have been infatuated with me, but it was always you that he loved." I took her hand, wrapping a towel around it. She might need stitches. Would she need stitches? Where was Astrid when I needed her, she was always calm in crisis.

"No. No one ever loves me. They love good girls like you. I'm too difficult for anyone to love," she spit out, not quite looking at me.

"I love you. I'm here, aren't I?"

"Out of guilt, I'm sure." I could see right through her snarls, I could tell that she hurt, and sad, and needed someone to tell her it was all going to be OK. As much as she might like to think she was tough, it was all an act.

I found a brush and smoothed down her hair gently. "Guilt has nothing to do with it. Ask Damon, he told me you were upset and I was here as fast as I could be. I was worried about you."

"Bullshit. You just didn't want me to hurt myself and have it be on your conscience."

"Kate!" She really could be the most ungrateful brat.

Our eyes met for a moment and she finally looked away. "In the medicine cabinet are some sleeping pills. Could you hand me two?"

"No. Haven't you had enough tonight?" I hated sleeping pills.

She glared up at me. "Do you want me awake and screaming at you, or asleep? I might feel human if I sleep."

I considered her for a moment, then, loathe to do it, opened the medicine cabinet and found the bottle, shaking one into my hand. "Here."

"Two."

"You weigh all of 90 pounds, Kate. One is plenty."

"You have no idea what's in my system now. Two."

Sighing, I gave her another one, and she swallowed them dry. An entire bottle hadn't killed me, she would be fine.

I hoped.

"Are you staying?" She was standing in the doorway to the bedroom, contemplating the chaos, her back to me.

"Do you want me to?" John was now gone, why go home?

She shrugged. "Could you at least help me put the bed back together?"

"Yeah."

It was half an hour before she was in bed, visibly exhausted, but at least the room was a bit in order. "Em?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

I smiled at her. "You're welcome. I'll stay on the couch, OK? Wake me up if you need anything."

Nodding, she rolled over, and I turned off the light on my way out. Picking up things in the hall, I was surprised to straighten up and see both Damon and Jarvis sitting in the living room, waiting for me.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

Damon answered. "I called him, like you said, and the next thing I knew, he was here."

Where did Jarvis live now? It had never occurred to me to care. He looked like hell, peering at me from behind his very thick glasses, his hair on end, a sweater pulled over his pajamas. Maybe he did love her still.

"What did you do, Jarvis? She's not entirely coherent."

"I picked up the last of my things. She fucking let me in to the flat, Emma, it was not a surprise to her."

"I think it was a surprise to her that you could so completely remove yourself from her life."

"That was what she wanted. She doesn't care about me any longer, it was just a good excuse for a breakdown."

Furious, I tossed the magazines I was holding at him, and he ducked. "I can't believe you. Hell, I can't believe any of you. I'm not sure if you're fucking pop stars or you're just men, but how dare you think that after ten years, twelve, whatever, that she has completely stopped caring about you? You all do this, each of you pushes the women you love as far as you possibly can, you do the one thing you know is unforgivable, and then you're shocked when we don't just happily take you back. It has nothing to do with love, it has to do with self-respect. Alex knew I couldn't accept infidelity, he knew that, and he did it. Kate just wanted to be loved best, for the first time in her fucking life, and you had to drag my goddamn name into every fucking conversation you could, and then, even better, you got famous and you didn't fucking need her any longer." I looked over at Damon. "And god only knows what you're doing here with her now. Where the hell is Justine? Where the hell is that guy Kate picked up earlier?"

Damon just gaped at me, but Jarvis hurried to defend himself. "Emma, you have no idea what happened between Kate and I, it was much more... complex than that."

"No. No, it wasn't. All you ever had to do was tell her that you loved her, and that you were sorry. That's it. That's all she wanted to hear, and you couldn't put aside a fraction of your fucking ego for a moment to do that."

Shit. Maybe that was me and Alex. Fuck. This was all John's fault, making me talk about Alex tonight.

But Jarvis just considered me for a moment, finally shaking his head. "It’s too late for that."

All men really are alike. "Try her."

Unfolding his long frame from the chair he was occupying, he crossed the room to stand near me. "Is she OK?" His voice was soft and genuinely concerned.

"I think she'll be fine. She took a sleeping pill, hopefully she'll be rational when she wakes up."

"Are you alright?"

Jarvis had this way of making you feel like the central person in the universe. For just a second, he focused all his attention on you, and you felt important and cared for. I could see why Kate missed him so. "I am worried about her. We have become your worst nightmare, Jarvis, I love her now. She's my friend."

He smiled slightly. "I always knew you would be. And I would be no match for the two of you." Shaking his head, he walked over to the bedroom door and opened it quietly, just looking at her for a moment before slipping inside.

As the door closed, I looked back at Damon, who was watching me with a slightly stunned expression. "She's going to be fine. You can go now."

He shook his head. "No. No, I'd like to stay. Someone should."

I laughed, sitting on the other end of the couch from him. "I think we all might, now. But I promised her I would." Yawning, I leaned my head against the wall. "I gave her sleeping pills, I'll have to check her breathing every hour." He gave me a questioning look and I half smiled. "Its a phobia, born of a youthful folly with a bottle of sleeping pills washed down with vodka."

Thinking he understood, he nodded. "One of your friends?"

"Me."

His eyes widened in surprise, and I could see it flash across his mind. "When?"

"A long time ago. College. And it freaked me out so much I haven't considered it since. Not even after Alex," I reassured him, hugging a pillow against my chest. "Guess you never noticed the one thing I won't drink is vodka?"

He tried to stutter something and I laughed, cutting him off. "It's not like I expected you to. Anyway, it was very bad time in my life, probably the worst. My friends found me and got me to the emergency room, had my stomach pumped, I was OK eventually. And its not something I want to talk about right now." It's not something I ever want to talk about, really.

"Does Alex know?"

"No. And I don't see any reason that he should. Alex and I are ancient history, as well. He's all wrapped up in Kate Gordon now, barely even speaks to me."

Damon rolled his eyes. "Like a fool. You were far better for him than she will ever be."

Was I? I tried not to be happy to hear that. "I've only met her a couple of times, but I thought she seemed nice enough." She was nice enough. I just wasn't sure that she and Alex ever did anything more than fight.

"She’s a bitch, and Alex is completely obsessed with her." Damon obviously disliked her.

"She is not a bitch."

"You don’t know her, Em. She’s a controlling bitch, she snaps her fingers and he jumps." I so doubted that. Alex obeyed no one, at the slightest hint of authority his stubbornness took over. "He's barely speaking to any of us, fucks off out of recording sessions without a word, goes into jealous rages if she so much as looks at another guy. Fuck, you and Jarvis used to be all over one another, and all Alex did was laugh."

In public perhaps. In private, he'd toss me on the bed and ravish me, marking his territory. I loved it. Damon misread my blush. "Sorry. I shouldn't've said that."

"Don't worry about it. It might be time for Jarvis and I to resolve a few things, after what Kate told me tonight."

Damon raised an eyebrow at me, and I shook my head. "Later, maybe. You can have half the sofabed, if you help me make it up."

He hopped off the couch, holding out a hand to me. I found sheets while he pulled out the bed, stopping at the bedroom door to listen. That might be the soft sound of Jarvis' whisper, but I wasn't quite sure.

"Are they OK?"

I smiled at him, dropping the sheets on the nearby chair. "What, did you think I was eavesdropping?"

"I would have."

I smiled at him. "I might have heard Jarvis' voice, but I'm not sure."

He glanced towards the bedroom. "Being apart isn't good for either of them."

Looking around the room, I found some pillows, tossing them onto the bed. "But you took advantage of that anyway."

"We took advantage of one another. She wanted Jarvis, and I wanted Justine, and we ended up wanting one another."

I sat on the edge of the bed, concentrating on taking off my shoes. He and Justine had always had an open relationship, I'd often had to remind myself of that. It worked for them. I wasn't one to judge. Look where monogamy had gotten me, after all. "Where is Justine?"

I felt him sit on the other edge of the bed. "She's not precisely speaking to me at the moment."

I turned at the note of sadness in his voice, but evidently the knots in his shoelaces were very interesting. "Oh?"

"I'd rather not go into it. It's no real excuse for fooling around with Kate, but things look so different on E."

With a sigh, I laid down on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

"Nothing really happened, Em. There was some snogging on the kitchen floor, then she went to make tea-" Snogging and tea, so fucking British. "and couldn't find the kettle. The rest you know."

"Why did you call me?"

"Your number was on the pad next to the phone. And I'd just seen you." At the club. That seemed a year ago now. "And I knew you'd know what to do."

I laughed. "Hardly."

"She's sleeping now. I doubt I could have done that. Should I turn out the light?"

"Yeah." But I laid there awake, trying to sort out my tangled thoughts, and trying not to pay attention to the fact that Damon was sleeping next to me. Why did I keep ending up in compromising positions with heartthrobs? What were Kate and Jarvis doing in there? He must love her still. He must. One phone call pulled him out of bed and to her side.

"Em? Are you sleeping?" Damon's voice was barely a whisper. He had just a touch of a lisp, almost whistling with every ‘s’. I'd always loved that about his voice.

"No."

"Why are you talking to me?" I knew immediately what he was talking about. Somewhere shortly before I'd broken up with Alex, it had come out that Damon had been sleeping with Graham's girlfriend. Justine and I had skipped the country after my breakup, holing up in her family's house in France, drinking ourselves silly and hating men. I knew an awful fucking lot about her relationship with Damon.

"Well, I figured it was up to Justine and Graham to forgive you, Damon. Not me. I had enough to deal with at the time."

"But before that. Before you left Alex, you really hated me." He sounded sad about that.

"You hurt Justine and Graham. And you were there the night Alex slept with that girl. Why didn't you stop him?" Why was I lying here next to this man? He'd done some awful things to me and people I loved.

"I couldn't. I tried, Em, please believe me. I did try to stop him from doing something rash. You know him, he gets an idea in his head and you can't stop him."

Yes. I did know that. "How did he get that idea in his head, Damon? No one has ever answered that question for me. What did Jarvis say that was so convincing?"

He was quiet for a moment. "He never said that he'd slept with you. In retrospect, I don't think that Jarvis meant to even imply that."

"But Alex jumped to a conclusion." He did that. He had a terrible jealous streak.

"Yeah. Alex was just convinced that the only way Jarvis could have known all those details was if he'd slept with you."

"What details? What details could possibly be that specific?"

"I honestly don't remember. I'm sorry, but it was a long time ago and I was drunk. And barely listening, it wasn't until after Jarvis left that I realised what had happened." Typical Damon, not paying attention to anything that didn't directly concern him.

I sighed, not sure if I really wanted to drag up all these memories again.

"I think Alex was looking for a reason to doubt you."

Ow. This is not what I need to hear at 4 a.m. 5?

"He was scared of you."

"Scared of me? Why the hell would Alex be scared of me?"

"The age-old fear of commitment."

I had to laugh. "I never asked for commitment. Never."

"But you wanted to."

Fighting back tears, I had to shut my eyes, taking a deep breath. I did. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Alex, I had from the very beginning. But I'd known better than to force the issue. "But I never did."

Damon reached over, carefully brushing a tear off my cheek. "So he pushed you away and only then realised what he'd lost."

"Oh, Damon, don't do this to me. Not now, please, not after the day I've had."

"Sorry. Early morning confidences, I apologize."

That almost made me laugh, bringing back memories of traveling across America on that tour bus, the insomniacs among us sitting in the back, drinking and telling secrets. "We had a lot of fun for a while, didn't we?"

"Yeah. We did."

"That's why I still talk to you, Damon. Because I can't let that all go. That was one of the happiest times in my life, and I don't want to forget it. I tried for a while, but I feel like I'm strong enough now to deal with it."

"Good. I'm glad you're back. Now try to steal Alex away from Kate Gordon, would you?"

I laughed. "I am not the cat-fighting type, sorry to disappoint you."

"John would understand, I'm sure."

"John?" For a moment, I wasn't sure who he meant. "Taylor? Hardly."

"Is the type to not approve of being friends with ex's?"

My god, he thought that John and I were a couple. Only the thought of waking Kate up in the next room kept me from a full-fledged giggle fit. "Oh, darling, hardly. We're only friends." Well, what was that right before the phone rang?

"He doesn’t think that."

"He does. I work with his band, and that's about it."

He laughed. "You didn't see the way he looked at you, Emmie." He teased me about John for a bit, and the next thing I was aware of was a familiar voice in my ear.

"Emma. Em."

I opened my eyes slowly. Jarvis? Why was he in my bed, with his arm flung across my stomach? But he was sitting up, who was...

I sat up, looking back at Damon snuggling into the pillows, trying to ignore movement. He had the longest, loveliest eyelashes, that Damon. I blinked at Jarvis for a moment, pushing my hair off my forehead, while the events of last evening came slowly back. "Is Kate alright?"

"She's fine. Still sleeping. I just wanted to tell you I was leaving. I think I'm the last person she'll want to see this morning."

"What time is it?"

"Barely six." What time did I fall asleep? It felt like just a few minutes.

"Did you sleep at all?"

"No. You can sleep for a while longer, I'm sure she'll be out until at least noon."

I sighed. "No luck, I'm up now. Should I go, as well? She asked me to stay last night... sorta... but she might not want to deal when she wakes up."

"No. Stay. She won't speak to you, but someone has to make her tea."

"You stole her kettle." We both turned to look at Damon, who half opened one eye to see us. "That much I caught, before she trashed the place."

"It's my kettle."

I yawned. "Then buy a new one."

Jarvis smiled at me. "I will. C'mon, Damon, you're leaving as well."

Damon groaned, and Jarvis pulled the pillow out from beneath his head. "No, no repeats of last night. You and Katie have always flirted, now its out of your system, let's go."

"That's not-"

Jarvis handed him his shoes, and amid much grumbling from Damon, they left. I tried to sleep, but was too worried about Kate, now that she was my responsibility. So I got out of bed to check on her, finding her looking asleep and normal.

Really, Em, just because you had one bad experience with sleeping pills, doesn't mean that they kill people. They didn't even kill you.

Shaking those thoughts out of my head, I went to fold up my bed and ended up straightening the entire apartment. The kettle was indeed gone, and I was contemplating boiling water the old fashioned way, in a pot, when the buzzer rang.

7:30 on a Sunday. Who the hell could that be?

"Yes?"

"I've brought the kettle back. Can I come up?"

With a laugh, I buzzed Jarvis up. "Thank you. I was just debating how to make tea."

"There are other methods."

I rolled my eyes at him. "I know. Would you like a cup?"

"No, no, she won't want to see me. Is she still sleeping?"

"Yes. I'll take care of her, don't worry."

Our eyes met for a moment. "I know. Thank you."

Running my fingers through my hair, I considered him. In his ratty sweater and geek glasses, he looked completely harmless. And I missed him, missed his friendship, missed the way his mind worked. He was truly one of the most fascinating people I'd ever known. "Are you going to try and woo her back?"

"Yes."

"Good."

"Will I be successful?"

I smiled at him. "I imagine you will be. But that's not for me to decide."

"She'll never take me back if you don't forgive me."

I had to laugh. "Yes she will. But you're forgiven." He raised an eyebrow at me. "Damon and I talked last night. You're forgiven."

He smiled at me, something he rarely did. "Thank you. I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too." I kissed his cheek. "Now go, before the dragon lady wakes up."

Nodding, and still smiling, he left. With a sigh, I shut the door. In a summer full of bizarre nights, this was surely the topper. Turning, I jumped to find Kate standing there watching me.

And it gets odder by the minute. Kate was never out of bed before 10.

"He brought the kettle back."

"He did." Was she in a better mood or not? I couldn’t tell by the tone of her voice.

"What did you have to promise him to get that back?"

Fuck...

I walked past her towards the kitchen. "Nothing. He was here all night."

"With you?"

I slammed the kettle down on the stove and whirled to face her. "With you. I had nothing to do with it."

"You always have something to do with it, Emma."

I snapped. "What, Kate, are you only friends with me because you think that Jarvis is still in love with me? Sorry to inform you that he isn't, and you can no longer blame me for your break-up." She just looked at me for a moment, seeming a bit stunned at my outburst, small as it might have been. "Would you like some tea?"

Nodding, she sat at the kitchen table as I filled the kettle.

"At first it was because he loved you."

"What was?"

"Why I talked to you."

"And now?"

I couldn't look at her. I would hate to think this was all some complicated plot on her part. "And now... now I'm glad you're here."

Relieved, I sat at the table across from her.

"You aren't nearly as perfect as he thought you were."

I laughed. "Oh, thanks."

A hint of her wicked grin danced on her lips, and I was happy to see it. "Well, you're not. I really wanted to blame you, but I know you now."

"Meaning?"

She considered me for a moment. "I tried so hard to ignore you when he first started talking about you. He's always done this, had these sudden intense infatuations. He probably slept with some of them, whatever. Fidelity was never part of our relationship. But he'd certainly never fallen for one of Alex's girlfriends before. Well, not that Alex had ever really had a girlfriend around long enough before."

I had to smile. "True. Can I just interject that I never did anything to encourage Jarvis?"

She laughed. "You did too. Don't fucking deny it! You loved making Alex jealous, just a little. Alex has told me that."

Blushing, I couldn't meet her eyes. I had. Alex's jealous streak led to great sex. "When did you talk to Alex?"

"I don't know. Before I even met you. But until I talked to him, I fully believed that you'd slept with Jarvis."

"No!"

"Em, c'mon, he'd disappear at all hours to meet you, how was I to know that all those mid-afternoon movie dates were actually movie dates?"

I laughed. "Well, they were. You know now that I'm fucking boring and faithful."

"Did you ever consider sleeping with him?"

"No." She raised an eyebrow at me and I sighed. "Yes. Once... yeah, really just once. Just once in more than a fantasizing way."

"When was that?"

"When he kissed me."

Our eyes met and she nodded slowly. "He is a man of many talents. And that is at the top of the fucking list."

"Kate, if I had any idea his relationship with me was hurting you, I would have stopped it. It wasn't doing anything but adding a bit of ... spice to my relationship with Alex, so I really thought it was nothing. Jarvis and I were friends, we flirted a bit. Harmless, really. It wasn't until after it all came crashing down that I realized the full extent of it. Ever since then I've wondered how it was for you."

"It sucked."

I took her hands in mine. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I should have thought about it more. I should have known something was up when he kept coming up with excuses to keep the two of us from meeting. If I'd had any clue that he was hurting you by using me, I never would have let it happen."

"You didn't even know me then."

"So? I've never had a reason to hurt you. And now you're my friend."

"Are you just my friend because you felt guilty about the whole Jarvis thing or something?"

I laughed. "Hardly. I was scared to death of you just a couple months ago when we first met. You're the coolest girl in the world, in your hip little clothes, and your cutting glares."

"It even worked."

"For a little while. I was a bad friend, I shouldn't be letting you run from your problems like that."

"Like what?"

The kettle whistled, and I jumped up to get it.

"Like going out every night and picking up boys and drinking too much."

"Don't forget the drugs."

"Don't worry, I don't."

Stirring sugar into our tea, I considered my next statement. "You really scared me last night."

Her voice was quiet when she answered me. "I scared myself."

"Good." I set her tea in front of her. "I think you might need some help, Katie."

She didn't quite meet my eyes. "I need to get out of London. I was lying in bed thinking that when I heard you and Jarvis talking."

"I have an idea that you might hate."

"Try me."

"John's in town, and he's been through this."

She eyed me suspiciously. I knew that she and John didn’t get along, but I also knew he’d be understanding of her problems. "Through what?"

"Troubles with alcohol."

She cut me off. "I am not addicted to anything."

"But you are using substances to escape your problems. That's not good. I could just call him, I know he'll help. Get you into a group. Or just listen."

She was quiet for a moment, then finally nodded. "Fine. Call him."

I picked up the phone.