Bayley's words drifted across my mind, and I looked away.

We have to be friends, because I like having him in my life too much. I just need to figure out how.

He'd called the studio at least three times last night, and I forced myself not to answer. His understanding voice would have unraveled me. I could not allow myself to do that. I needed to remain angry at the fuckers who had stolen my photos, not let myself dissolve into self-pity and depend on Alex to pick up the pieces.

But now he was sitting across from me, handing me a pint of cider with a smile. "So, I was promised photos of the wonder niece."

I returned his smile, touched that he would even ask. He must know what he was setting himself up for, the way I'd raved about her in the emails I wrote him last week. "You asked for it..." Rummaging through my briefcase, I found the envelope full of photos for Tricia.

He took the photos I handed him and shook his head at the top one. "She is indeed lovely, lives up to the hype." I was amazed as he flipped through them, he remembered everyone in them, commenting on how content Tricia and Rob looked, laughing at Astrid's latest hairstyle, asking where they were taken, my house or Tricia's? And always smiling over Emily's charming self, remarking on how she looked like her mother and how much she obviously loved her Aunt Em.

"What's this?" I looked at the photo and nearly snatched it back. I'd forgotten about the photos of Tony in the stack. This was of Tony talking to a cotton candy vendor, negotiating for purple. "What are those, balloons?"

"Cotton candy, actually."

He raised an eyebrow, but flipped to the next photo, examining it for a moment. "This is Tony?"

It was, one of the shots from the session, Tony in his nice suit that I had made him wear, looking away from the camera, a pensive look in his eyes. One of those perfect shots, lit just right, his face reflected his strength and intelligence. "Yeah, that's from the session I did with the Players."

Alex just nodded, considering it again briefly before going on to the next one of Tony and I with our arms around one another, laughing in the booth of a diner. "Bayley took that one."

"Bayley met him? Did she like him?" That couldn't be jealousy, could it? Perhaps. Alex had been proud to know that he was the only one of my boyfriends that Bayley had ever approved of.

"She did, they traded Players knowledge for an hour."

He still hadn't met my eyes, examining the photo. "You look happy. You never did answer me as to why you broke up."

"We were only together for a few days, I'd hardly say we broke up."

"Well, you decided not to see one another again. You didn't just drift apart, you made a decision not to continue."

I tapped my cigarette against the ashtray, considering my next words. "True. Sometimes it's better to cut your losses."

He shuffled the photos together, placing them back in the envelope. "You were always good at that, Em. I tend to fall headlong into things and end up looking stupid, but you know when it's best to step away."

I laughed. "Thank you for the complement, I think, but if you must know, it was Tony's idea, not mine."

As he handed me back the photos, our eyes met, his a bit surprised. "Why would he do a thing like that?"

"If you're trying to make me feel better and distract me from the suing people thing, its not working."

Laughing at himself, he started to say something, but we were interrupted by the arrival of our food. "Fine, then, are you ready for our meeting with the record company?"

I smiled at his attempt at a safe subject. "Yes, I'm prepared. Flip charts and all."

"Flip charts?"

"Storyboards. Not that there's much, its fairly simple. And I can't draw. Stick figure Blur."

We laughed over the video and record companies over lunch, until I glanced at my watch. "How long will it take us to get to MVC from here?"

"Ten minutes, depending on traffic. Has it been an hour since we left the solicitor's office yet?"

I sighed. I had told him an hour, yes. "Yes. We may talk."

"Good. Are you sure you want to go through with this?"

"Do you not, are you worried about publicity or something?"

"Fuck publicity. After the last month, fuck them all. But you were upset in there. I don't want to be involved in something that will only serve to upset you."

"Weren't you upset, seeing those photos used for pornographic purposes?"

"Of course I was, but-"

"If we don't do something, they'll just continue to be used to make money for people with no morals. That's why I'm upset, not because we're suing them. I want to screw those fuckers to the wall. I have reached my limit of letting people fuck with me. If you want to bow out, go ahead. I won't be angry with you, I understand that this may become difficult, and you have a new album to promote."

He just looked at me for a moment, obviously a bit surprised by my vehemence. "Alright, then. Let's take 'em for all they’re worth."

With a laugh, I stood up from my seat. "Let's go. You should mention the lawsuit to your publicist before she finds out through other channels."

We of course were five minutes late. I don't know why I believed Alex when he told me it would only take 10 minutes to get to MVC. But they hadn't started without us. No one said a word. I must have ascended into lateness rights.

Still, I didn't want to make anyone wait any longer, and we got right to business, looking over the storyboards, making some changes, and discussing locations and wardrobe and lighting. I suggested having the boys wear suits and was soundly shot down amid much laughter.

It was fun working with Blur. I never had before, even though we'd talked about it a lot. All the stories about Damon being a control freak were true, but that was easily dealt with because he was getting most of the screen time. Graham only wanted me to take pictures of his feet, if I must film him at all. Alex didn't care as long as he got to smoke, and Dave didn't mind that he'd be hidden behind his drums most of the time.

Hopefully it would be an enjoyable shoot, and I would forget about how nervous I was to be in charge of so many people and spending so much money. This was entirely different than just me and my cameras. As a matter of fact, I had a cinematographer. I wouldn't be hiding behind the camera, I'd be telling someone else how to do that.

The meeting finally broke up a few hours later and as I was gathering my things together, Graham came over to me. "You look very pretty with your hair like that."

"Thank you, Graham." I smiled at him, shutting my briefcase.

"I didn't recognize you when you walked in with Alex, I don't remember Em in suits." He shook his head, looking nervous. With a laugh, I patted his hand.

"I promise I'll wear jeans to the shoot. I only dress like this to impress the record company."

"Good. Was Alex lying when he told me you're dating Tony Childe?"

I shook my head. "No. I was seeing Tony, for a brief moment. Not any longer."

"How is he?"

"He's good. He asked after you, said to apologize that he's bad at keeping in touch."

Graham shrugged. "So am I. Did he..." He trailed off, not sure how to phrase the question.

"Does he know anything about M? No, he doesn't. He hasn't stopped looking, though."

Graham's voice was barely a whisper. "I know."

"Em! You have to have dinner with me and Justine." Damon sat on the table next to me, distracting me from Graham.

"When?"

"Now, of course. You two can giggle over your new hairstyle."

"I think Justine and I can find more interesting things to talk about than my haircut, Damon."

He grinned at me. "But its a very good haircut."

"I'm tired of talking about my hair. It's the all everyone can talk about lately, its getting dull. But, anyway, I have a date this evening."

"But she's already making dinner!"

"Well, you shouldn't have assumed that I didn't have plans," I teased. "Have Graham come over instead. How about tomorrow? I can do tomorrow."

He nodded. "Tomorrow it is. Seven, our place?"

"Great."

"She'll be pleased. Graham, do you want to come over?"

Graham shrugged and I gathered my things, glad to know that someone would take care of him this evening.

Ringing the bell to Nick's apartment, I tucked my hair behind my ears. Of all the people in the world, I knew Nick would have to comment on the new cut.

Maddie answered with a squeal of delight and I got a brief reprieve. "I love it!"

"Did John tell you, or has the new cut made the gossip columns?"

"John wrote me an email just to tell me how gorgeous you look. Come in, Nick will be ready in just a minute." Shutting the door behind me, she yelled towards the bedroom. "Nick, the film starts in 20 minutes, hurry up!"

I checked my watch. "Am I late, I thought we had more time?"

Leading me into the living room, she lowered her voice. "You have to lie about starting times with him or we'd never see the coming attractions."

I laughed. "True."

"Sit down, do you think we have time for a glass of wine?"

Shaking my head, I sat in my favorite chair. "I'm fine, thank you." I loved this apartment. The furniture was comfortable, pale colors so that all your attention was focused on the art on the walls. Somehow it managed not to be pretentious. "What was John doing talking about my beauty when he's living with that stunning woman?"

Maddie looked puzzled as she settled on the couch. "Stunning... oh, Salem? She is gorgeous, isn't she?"

"Fantastic hair. What's the story there?" Maddie would know. Maddie knew all the best Duran gossip.

But she only shrugged. "There's no story. Salem's been friends with them forever. I think she started out as Renee's friend, actually."

"What's she doing living with John?"

"They're only friends. She..." She considered me for a moment, wondering how much to tell me, surely, then went on. "She was in a bad relationship in New York. Terrible, abusive, she needed to get out and John offered her a place to stay in Los Angeles. She's just staying with him until she gets some money together."

I nodded at her. "Uh-huh. They just need to realize they're perfect for one another. Have you ever noticed the way they finish one another's sentences?"

"Johnny and I finish one another's sentences all the time, Em." Nick had joined us, and I smiled at him standing the doorway. Even for a casual night at the movies with a friend he was wearing pressed trousers and a silk shirt.

"True, but you're not a gorgeous single woman living under his roof, are you?"

"Thankfully, no. However the two of them do need to realize they’re madly in love, and put the rest of us out their misery."

"I knew it! I didn’t think I was just making that up." I agreed.

He raised an eyebrow at me with a smile. "Worried your jealousy was getting out of control?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "As if."

We exchanged a smile, then he surveyed the room slowly. "Mads, where did you hide my shoes?"

She shook her head. "They're under Em's chair, right where you kicked them off when you came in."

Smiling at their old married couple bantering, I leaned over and picked them up for him. "Nick, why do you wear scuffed shoes with those perfectly pressed trousers?"

Maddie laughed. "See, Nick, what do I tell you?"

With an aggravated sigh, Nick took the shoes from me, sitting next to Maddie to put them on. "The dry cleaner does not polish my shoes for me. Em, your hair looks very nice."

I grinned. "Ah, the god of ever changing hair approves. It must be good."

"My hair has been blond for years now, do stop. These are for you." He handed me some papers sitting on the coffeetable in front of him.

It was a list of website addresses. "Oh, Nick, how can I thank you enough for looking at pornographic websites for me? Maddie, you must be so proud."

We both snickered as Nick sighed at us yet again. "You both have to stop or I'm going to the movies by myself. Em, I'm going to bill you for all the fees I had to pay to get into those sites."

"Please do, we're making them pay us back for the fact that we had to pay to see my photos. Hey, I haven't seen all these, thank you. Seriously this time."

"You're welcome. Let's go, or we'll miss the coming attractions."

Maddie and I giggled, following him out the door.

The next evening, as I stepped into Damon and Justine's house, I realized yet again how much I hated my apartment. Their home was so comfortable, overstuffed sofas and crimson walls, warm and inviting.

Damon called for Justine from the kitchen, so she left me alone in the living room with a glass of wine. The photos I'd given them several Christmases ago hung above the couch, and I giggled at the thought that they'd pulled them out of a closet to impress me. There were snapshots of what must be Iceland on the bookshelves, and I went to look at them.

And there it was, Damon and Alex setting up equipment on a small stage in Boston. I kept seeing that photo where I least expected it. It was a good photo, Nick had convinced me of that. It was perhaps the first example of what would be become my signature style, finding defining moments in the commonplace.

It was also taken the day Alex and I had admitted to each other that we were in love, which was why I didn't have it in my portfolio.

I picked it up, examining it closely. I had been attempting to take a picture of Alex as he struggled with his amp, but he'd turned away at the precise moment that Damon had looked up. So instead I had gotten Damon looking directly into the camera, glaring suspiciously.

"So, how much would I get for selling that to the tabs?"

I rolled my eyes at Damon as he smiled at me. "Nothing, no one’s naked." Shaking my head, I placed it back on the shelf where I had gotten it. "You didn't like me then."

"I didn't even know you, darling."

"Did I give such a bad first impression?"

He leaned against the wall, pondering. His hair was all mussed from working on our dinner, no doubt, and I wondered if I should tell him about the tomato stain on his shirt. Still, he was lovely. "No. I quite liked you from the start."

I crossed the room, settling onto the sofa. "Then why all the suspicion in that photo?"

"Because you were at the bar flirting with Jarvis. Or Jarvis was flirting with you, depending on how you looked at it. I knew that Alex cared for you, and I knew it was going to end badly."

"Funny, that you were suspicious of me then. Since Alex was the one that broke my heart and he escaped with no ill effects."

Damon looked taken aback. "Do you really think that, Em?"

I hesitated a moment, but yes. "I don't think that he was unable to leave the house like he told me he did with Kate."

Rolling his eyes, he sat in the chair across from me. "Kate. Let's not even begin that conversation. No, Em, our Alex was quite heartbroken after you left him."

I looked away from him, tracing the pattern in the fabric on the arm of the sofa. "He wanted me to leave. You've said as much yourself."

"You left and he realized what he had lost. The one and only time I ever saw him cry was over you."

How did I get in the middle of this conversation? This was only marginally better than talking about my hair. "He cried more tears over Kate, I'm sure. You just didn't see them, and you never liked her anyway."

"Why would I? They were awful together, all she ever did was make him miserable."

I met his eyes. "But he loves her regardless."

"He loved you, too, Em. Don't ever try to convince yourself otherwise." Justine had come into the room, and I hadn't even noticed. I had to wonder how much she had heard.

I smiled at her. "I know he loved me for a moment, a long time ago. We're friends now, and that's a very good thing. But he adored Kate, I wouldn't begin to compare the two."

"God forbid. You're far better for him than she ever was," Damon snorted.

"Sometimes you love the ones that are bad for you," I shrugged.

"And then you realize who was good for you."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Is this dinner just a plot to get me to save Alex's sorry life?"

They both laughed. "No, we wanted to see you," Justine offered.

"Good, then. There are other things I'd rather talk about than Alex."

"Like your hair, for instance?" Damon teased. "Jus, isn’t it lovely?"

We decided to go the Groucho for a drink or two after dinner, and I was heading back from the restroom when my name was roared across the bar in a familiar accent. "The divine Ms. Em!"

"Keith!" I grinned, making my way over to him.

"What happened to your hair?"

I hadn't seen the man in more than a year, and he has to mention my hair. I was considering buying a wig, just so I could talk about something else. "I cut it, darling."

"Fucking gorgeous, you are." He threw an arm around my shoulders. "C'mon, then, Em, help us get these two sorry cunts speaking to one another again."

"Which two?" But I could guess. Keith was the other part of the Alex/Damien friendship. Damien and Keith were both several years older than Alex, but that mattered little as they raised hell across London. I'd always far preferred Keith to Damien. A comic actor with a silly putty face, he often had me in fits of giggles. And for all his roistering, he had a wife and children whom he adored, which endeared him to me all the more.

"Those two! Did you ever have your two best friends fighting? It's bloody fucking awful!" He motioned across the bar. Alex had found Damon and Justine, and they were laughing over something. Not 20 feet away, Damien was laughing with someone I didn’t know. It was obvious to anyone that knew them that they were studiously ignoring one another.

"Is this still over that stupid picture of Damien and Kate Charms?"

"No, this is about certain photos of you and Alex." I looked at him questioningly and he rolled his eyes in an exaggerated show of annoyance. "Precisely that Damien showed them to Kate and let her believe that they were rather... recent."

"Why would he do that?"

"Because Damien rather wished that Kate would fall from Alex's arms into his."

I had to take a step back. "No. He would do that to Alex?" I glanced over at Damien, who caught my eye and smirked insincerely. I returned the smirk and looked back at Keith. As much as I disliked Damien, I knew he'd never do anything deliberately to hurt Alex. He'd disliked me because he thought I wasn't good enough for Alex. Since I'd agreed with him on some level, I couldn't fault him on that one.

"Well, it wasn't quite like that... Damien did think that Alex was treating her badly. And he knew that Alex wasn't happy with her."

"Still, that's a bit of low trick, isn't it? Even for Damien."

"All’s fair in love and modern art. So, it was a low trick, as you said. But all for the best. Kate will lick her wounds and rebound to Damien, who can handle her far better than Alex ever did, and Alex is free to return to you."

I laughed, but noticed that Keith was completely serious. "Who says I'll take him?" I joked.

"Well, someone's got to deal with him! Me wife's had enough of him sleeping on our sofa."

"We'll find him some nice girl to wash his socks. Back to the subject at hand, did Damien actually try to steal Kate away from Alex?"

"Not as such."

"Well, then, they should at least talk. Go and play some snooker with Damien, I'll see if I can't get Alex to join you."

He kissed me soundly. "Bless you, love!"

"I haven't done anything yet."

"Alex has always done everything you tell him to."

I grinned and made my way back to our group at the bar. Alex jumped up as I approached. "I was just saving your seat."

Shaking my head with a smile, I slid onto the stool. "Of course. Keith accosted me."

"I noticed, what were you talking about so intently?"

"You and Damien." He rolled his eyes and turned away, about to rejoin Damon and Justine's conversation, but I caught his arm. "What's going on there? It's unlike you and Damien to fight. Especially like two jealous boys."

"We’ve never been attracted to the same woman."

"Really, Alex, what's the harm done? Damien or no, you would have broken up with Kate anyway, and probably because of the pictures. You've admitted yourself that you weren't good together." He glowered at me, and I threw up my hands. "Whatever. I just think its ridiculous to ruin a friendship like that over a member of the opposite sex."

"Why do you care? You never liked him."

"But you do." Our eyes met for a moment, then there it was, yet another fucking comment about my hair.

"Em! Your hair is fantastic, did I not tell you months ago to do that?"

That could only be Kate, my Kate. Indeed it was, she was next to us in an instant, Jarvis following in her wake. "Where have you been, Katie? I've called you a million times."

"Paris, didn't I tell you? I know, I know, we have much to discuss, I never did get all the details about Tony, but mostly importantly, your hair! Did I send you to a fabulous stylist or what?"

I grinned at her torrent of words, glad to see her. I'd missed her more than I'd realized. "You did, he was wonderful."

"You are chic and beautiful, isn't she, Alex? I love the blond, how did he talk you into that?"

"He didn't even ask! He just did it!"

"Good for him, you needed someone to take control of that hair. Alex, is she not gorgeous?"

"She's fucking breathtaking." Charming as always. I shook my head at him with a smile. "She'll love the tattoo, won't she, Emmie?"

Kate shrieked. "A tattoo? Who told you to do that?"

"Astrid."

"I will shake her hand the next time I see her. Have I ever met her?"

I had to think for a moment. "No, I don't think you have."

"Well, where is it? Let's see!"

"Perhaps its somewhere intimate, Katie." We had Jarvis listening in now, and Damon and Justine were looking at me curiously. Alex was grinning at me, watching me squirm. I never should have told him, now he had me showing the damn thing to the entire bar.

"If Alex has seen it, unless I'm completely out of the loop, it can't be somewhere intimate."

They went on about where my tattoo could be while I considered what I was wearing. Jeans, and my favorite loose blue sweater that made my normally grayish greenish eyes positively turquoise. Was I wearing anything under the sweater? Yes, one of the many strappy tank tops Kate and I had bought on our trip to New York last month. Good, it was getting warm in this bar. I pulled my sweater over my head and suddenly I had what seemed to be millions of pop stars staring at my tattoo. "It's the Chinese symbol for 'strength,' is everyone happy now?"

There was a general chorus of appreciation as I was stared at, and I looked up when I felt Alex smoothing my hair down. "Your eyes were so blue with the jumper on."

I blinked up at him for a moment, not sure how to react. The color of my eyes was a subject of much debate when we had been together. He'd been fascinated how they changed color with what I was wearing or my mood, he draped scarves around my neck and noted the changes in hue like I was one of his science experiments. I didn't mind, I found it endearing, flattered that I was the subject of so much scrutiny.

I was saved from further contemplation by Kate. "Now, Em, why were you showing off your tattoo to Alex?"

"It was nothing, he touched my shoulder and I had to explain why it hurt." This of course resulted in a discussion of tattoos in general, and we were ordering another round of drinks when I realized that Alex had left us.

"So, tell me everything about Tony. And what's this I hear about you and Alex suing everyone in the free world?"

I turned to her, surprised. "Where did you hear that? We only just met with the solicitor a couple of days ago."

"I have my sources," she grinned. "It's true then?"

"Yeah, it is." I glanced over at our friends, deep in conversation. "Come with me to the snooker room."

"Fancy a game?" she laughed. We liked to take over a table in the boy's club down there and play badly. It drove them crazy, having women in their supposedly secret lair.

"No. I ... want to see something. Besides, its quieter down there, easier to talk."

She gave Jarvis a peck on the cheek and we headed downstairs. The snooker room was full of men playing a game I never understood, but the tables along the edge of the room were empty. No one even looked up as we occupied one in the corner, and I grinned to see Alex, Keith and Damien laughing together over some arcane rule of play.

"Did you want to come down here to see Alex?"

He caught my eye and grinned, shaking his head in a "you're always right" gesture that I knew well. "No. Just to see if he'd made up with Damien or not."

"Were they fighting?"

"Something about Kate Charms. I'm not entirely sure what. Keith pleaded with me to talk some sense into him."

"I sometimes think you're the only one who can. How did you talk him into suing tabloids with you?" Suddenly there was an arm around my shoulders, and I jumped.

"Emmie, darling, you have saved me life!"

I smiled up at Keith as he bent down to kiss me heartily. "I merely pointed out the truth of the situation to him."

"But he listens to you."

"Precisely what I was just telling her," Kate added.

"Your shot, Keith!" Damien bellowed.

"One moment," Keith yelled back before giving me another kiss. "Thank you." With that, he ran back to his friends and I turned back to Kate.

"What were we saying?"

"Suing the free world. Did you just point out the logic of that situation to our dear Alex, as well?"

"I just asked. Our pictures are fucking everywhere, and there are porn websites that are charging a fee to view them. It makes me ill."

"Indeed! I haven't seen all those fucking pictures, they're going to charge me to do it?"

I laughed. "I'm not planning on showing them to you anytime soon."

"Bitch. So, are you going to make a million dollars off of this?"

"Probably. If anyone is going make money off those photos, it had better be me."

Two drinks appeared on the table in front of us, and we glanced up at the server. Had we ordered anything? "From Mr. Hirst, with his undying gratitude."

I blinked at him for a moment, then leaned back in my chair to see Damien. Gratitude, from Damien? He caught my eye and bowed deeply in an exaggerated display of thanks. Giggling, I raised my glass to him in a toast and was rewarded with a rare smile.

Well, not rare that he smiled. Rare that he smiled at me. Shaking my head, I turned back to Kate, who was looking at me quizzically.

"Damien never liked me."

"You gave him back his best friend. I’m sure before he thought you were stealing him away."

"No, Damien never liked me. We had intrinsic personality differences."

She shrugged, bored with this topic. "Whatever. You did him a favour, Damien’s not so mean as to ignore that. Back to suing the free world, I'm glad you're talking control of the situation. It's about time."

"What do you mean?"

"You've been hiding out in your studio ever since they got published, trying to ignore it and hoping it would go away. Screw the bastards! Take them for every dime you can, they fucking deserve it, the vultures."

I had to laugh at her vehemence. "Thanks for the support, I think."

She waved my thanks away, moving on to the next subject. "So, Tony. I have only the barest fucking details, you bitch! Tell me everything! Was he wonderful? Are you going to be seeing him again?"

"Where should I start?"

Two hours later, we were well smashed, our frequent laughter surely annoying the snooker players. Quiet for a moment, I leaned my head on my hand, looking at Alex. "Want to know why Tony decided not to see me again?"

"Why?"

"Because he thought I was still in love with Alex. Isn't that ridiculous?"

She sighed. "The only ridiculous thing is that you continue to deny it."

I sat up, shocked. "What?"

"You are so in love with him. Why are we sitting down here, for god's sake? There are tables upstairs, but he's not there."

I shook my head at her. "It's quieter down here. That's why. Please, Kate, Alex and I are so long over."

"That doesn't mean you're not still in love with him."

"It's an old habit. We're still figuring out how to be friends, just because we enjoy one another's company doesn't mean we're in love." I lit another cigarette, shaking my head at her. Alex and my hair, my life was reduced to ridiculous conversations.

"He has barely taken his eyes off you all night."

I glanced over at Alex, and he was indeed looking at me, flashing me a quick smile before leaning over to take a shot. "If anything- and I'm not saying I believe you for a second- he finds me safe and familiar after the whole mess with Kate Charms. He needs all the friends he can get right now."

"Why an old girlfriend?"

"Why is it so impossible that we can just be friends?"

"Because you were madly in love. Madly."

"You didn't even know me when I was with Alex!"

"Jarvis told me. We were just talking about it the other night."

"Katie, Jarvis was a tad besotted with me at the time. I rather think he was exaggerating. Alex and I were a perfectly average couple. I cared for him far more than he cared for me."

"Bullshit. You shattered him when you left. He's never been the same."

I shrugged, shaping the ash on my cigarette very carefully against the rim of the ashtray. "I haven't been the same, either. How could I be, how could he? No one is ever the same after a failed love affair. But he certainly picked up the pieces of his shattered life and moved on."

"He moved on and came right back, as did you. What was that fling with Tony? A non committal fling is about anti-Em Evesham as I can imagine."

"What was Courtney, then?"

"Courtney was sex because you hadn't been laid in months. That's just fucking human. But Tony would have been good for you, and you know it, and you couldn't do it. You couldn't make that leap to be with him, because your heart is still with that man over there in the corner."

I looked up at her, feeling myself growing angry. "I'm not having this conversation with you, Katie."

"Well, you fucking need to."

I was outside the club, the cool air shocking me back into reality, before I knew how I got there. Did I just walk out on Kate? She would be furious. And why, over Alex? I should just be laughing about this. Alex wasn't in love with me, and I surely wasn't in love with him. I cared for him, I enjoyed his friendship, why was she attempting to force love on us? And what was Keith saying earlier, that now Alex was free to come back to me?

I sighed, rummaging in my pockets for my cigarettes. I was tired and drunk and overreacting.

"Did you just walk out on me? You don't walk out on people and cause scenes, Em, I do that!"

I turned to her, trying not to smile at her normal diva behavior. "I guess I've fully morphed into the evil Em. Careless flings, short hair, causing scenes."

"But you're still-"

"Em! Good, you didn't get far." Alex burst through the door to the club, thankfully cutting off Kate's attempted statement. "You left your jumper." He held it out to me, attempting not to let his curiosity show on his face.

"Thank you." I pulled it on, grateful for the warmth in the cool air.

"Are you OK? Kate, what did you say to her?"

Kate opened her mouth, but I spoke first. "Nothing. I'm just tired and snappish. Jet lagged still. I overreacted to one of her normal stupid statements." She began to say something and I silenced her with a look. "I'm going to go home. Could you make my excuses to Damon and Justine for me?" I knew it was rude to leave without saying goodbye, but suddenly I couldn't bear the thought of going back in there. It was noisy and crowded and smoky inside, the clear air outside was precisely what I needed.

I wasn't in love with Alex. Kate was being ridiculous. So what if my heart melted a bit, looking at him all disheveled and drunk and adorable? I'd had too much too drink, I'd go home and sleep it off.

"Tell Jarvis I'm going with her, I'll see him at home later." This was not a request. It was an order.

"Did I invite you, Katie?" I wondered aloud.

"I've still got a key to your fucking flat, I don't need to be invited."

Our eyes met for a moment and I finally sighed. There was no reasoning with Kate when she got like this. She was going to fix my life, whether I wanted her to or not. "Fine. Goodnight, Alex."

"I'll walk you to the corner, help you get a cab."

I waved him away. "I can get my own fucking cab, go back in and make our excuses." Turning, I started down the street, not caring who followed me. Kate caught up with me halfway down the block.

"Stop walking so fucking fast!"

"I don't know why you're following me. I told you already that I don't want to have this conversation."

"He followed you out to give you your fucking jumper!"

"Its a sweater, and so fucking what?"

"He noticed. He noticed that you left, he noticed that you left something behind. Alex James never notices a fucking thing in other people's lives, but he pays attention to you."

"You're the one that claimed I made a scene. I would think that everyone noticed me leaving. Goddamnit!" I stopped walking, glaring at the McDonald's on the corner. "Isn't that McDonald's usually open?"

She looked across the street. We usually cruised in for fries after a night at the Groucho. "Its October. No longer tourist season."

"I hate this fucking country. Don't they know that drunk people need fries at two o'clock in the morning?"

"Natives need chips."

"Fuck chips! Only incredibly interesting natives like us are awake at two o'clock in the morning in this godforsaken city and I want fries!" My eyes met hers and we burst into giggles at my melodrama.

"We're not even natives!" she had to remind me, which made us laugh even more.

"The life of the rich and famous, Katie. Screaming about McDonald's in the middle of the night."

"C'mon, the cornershop next to your apartment building is open 24 hours."

I followed her to the corner with a sigh. "I want an all night diner and a bottomless cup of coffee if you're going to force me to have this conversation."

She jumped up and down, trying to get the attention of a cabbie. "Just as well, there would probably be a journalist or two lurking in the corner."

"Fucking journalists. Hey, isn't there a cafe down the street? Alex and I went there that night you stood me up."

A cab slid up to the curb, attracted surely by her tiny skirt, and she shook her head at me bemusedly. "Also only open late during the summer, and even then only on weekends."

Sighing heavily, I opened the cab door for her. "I hate my apartment. I don't want to go there."

She crawled into the cab, barking her address at the driver. "Fine, we'll go to our place. We've got an all night shop down the block."

We bought a small feast of sandwiches and chips and chocolate, and she lent me some of Jarvis' clothes to be comfortable in. We settled into the couch and I was unwrapping my sandwich when I noticed the music.

"Hey, where did you get the new Blur?"

She shrugged. "Damon." She said this like Damon did her every bidding. In Kate's world, we were all there only to do her bidding. "This is the one you're doing the video for, right?"

"Beetlebum, yeah."

"Damon insists that they didn't know it was you when they picked your treatment for the video."

"Alex said the same thing, I have no idea if it's true."

"I don't know, you know them so well, you must have known they would like it."

I considered for a moment. "Probably. It was easy for me to come up with a visual for the song that seemed to fit."

"When did you do that, when you were with Tony?"

I could feel where this was going, and I dreaded it. "Yes."

"Was he jealous?"

"No. Why should he be? It was a job."

"But when Tony first met you, you were with Alex, right?"

"Yes." I reached for the chips, avoiding her eyes.

"Well, Tony must have gotten the idea that you're still in love with Alex from somewhere. I doubt he just made it up." I tried to say something and she went on. "I know you, Em. You talk about Alex more than you realize. Here you are, working on a project for your ex-boyfriend's band, and talking about him all the time. It doesn't take much to figure it out."

"I do not talk about Alex all the time!"

"Not all the time. But enough."

Sighing, I shook my head. "What do I need to do to convince you that I'm not still in love with him?"

She laughed. "You can't. Neither can he."

"Oh, please. He is certainly not in love with me."

"He most certainly is!"

"Did you ever see him with Kate Charms? Hear him talk about her? She's the one he's still in love with, not me. She's everything he ever wanted, talented and passionate and brilliant and sexy." And that didn't hurt, not one bit.

"You say that like you're none of those things."

"If I was all of those things to him, he never would have left me."

"He left Kate!" she responded.

"No, she left him. Evidently at Damien's urging, but the details are fuzzy to me. I only know that she left him, he told me so."

"He seems to be fine with it, no matter who did the leaving. They were miserable together, everytime I saw them, they were fighting."

"You and Jarvis are always fighting, and you're happy."

She shook her head. "Completely different. I'm always a bitch, he has to deal with that. No, Em, Kate Charms was not Alex's great love, you are. You turn him into a fucking gentleman, for godsakes! Buying you drinks and attempting to flag cabs for you, always in the same room as you are."

"He's just making up for past mistakes. He knows he fucked up. He'd better buy me a drink or two in penance."

"He's not like that with anyone else. You make Alex James almost ... sweet."

I had to laugh at how she spit out that word. "He is sweet. He just doesn't want anyone to know it. He loves his mum and holds open doors for ladies."

"You bring that out in him."

I shrugged. "He likes to be protective of me. I don't really need that any longer." Although it might not be a terrible thing... "I'm not interested in going back to the relationship we had. I was a scared little thing, and he was the biggest thing in my life, that's why it hurt so bad when he left. I did everything for him, everything. We never argued, there was never anything to fight about, because I did everything he wanted. That's all he wants, if he's looking at me with fondness. He wants something that simple again. It must be nice to be adored that way, who wouldn't want that back? But I'm not the person I was then. Thank god."

She laughed with me. "I'm not saying you have to go back, Em. I bet Alex would love the new and improved Em even more."

Shaking my head, I poked through the chocolate bars scattered on the table. "Its just so fucking Jane Eyre, like I had to go off and get my own money and my own life before I could deserve the dashing Rochester. I don't really want to have to prove myself to him, or anyone, for that matter."

"You deserved him before."

"I never felt that way." Picking a perfectly decadent confection of chocolate, caramel and cookie bits, I leaned back against the sofa.

"Do you feel like you deserve him now?"

I considered for a moment, breaking off a piece of chocolate and handing it to Kate. "I'm too good for him."

"Precisely right!" she laughed. "See, now you can have an adult relationship, just like the rest of us." I giggled with her. "Seriously, Em, you need to have your own life to be with him. It was unfair that you never felt like you deserved him."

"That was self inflicted. He never made me feel that way. It wasn't like he was evil and domineering, I just gave him everything without being asked. Hell, no wonder he left, it must have been annoying."

Rolling her eyes, she shook her head at me. "Two minutes ago you said that sort of adoration must have been wonderful, and now you're saying its annoying. Which is it?"

I shrugged. "Both. Neither?" I wasn't making much sense, and I looked out the window for a moment. It was easy to see why Jarvis had fled that soulless apartment to return to this one. The top floor of a crumbling brownstone, it had character in every corner, doors that led to surprising rooms, and the decor was a mix of Kate's impeccable taste and Jarvis' thrift store finds.

"You didn't give him everything."

"Excuse me?" I looked back at her, lost in contemplation of their view.

"You didn't give Alex everything."

I never should have told Jarvis anything about my life. He could keep no secrets from Kate. "No. I never told him I was raped."

"Do you still feel guilty about that? I know you used to."

"Jarvis tells you too much."

She shrugged. "I could never figure out why you would feel guilty about that. It took me five years to tell Jarvis that I'd been raped."

"Four."

I screamed, noticing Jarvis standing in the doorway. "How long have you been there?"

"Only a moment. I didn't get to hear any good secrets yet."

"Well, you're not going to. I don't want to be having this conversation in the first place, I refuse to be tag teamed."

Kate waved a hand at him imperiously. "Go to your flat, Em will give you the keys."

He leaned his head against the wall with a sigh. "May I go to the bedroom if I promise to fall asleep right away and not listen?"

"I suppose. Em?"

I had to smile at their interactions. They were such an odd couple. "Good night, Jarvis."

He came over, kissing us both lightly. "May I at least assume that you're talking about Alex?"

"Of course. What else is there to talk about besides Em and Alex?" Kate answered.

"Oh, my hair seems to be attracting quite a bit of attention lately," I grumbled.

"But that doesn't warrant chocolate at 3 a.m., does it? I like it, by the way. Alex doesn't."

Kate and I both looked at him as he straightened from kissing her. "He doesn't?" I wondered. Didn’t everyone love my hair?

"I think that Alex would prefer it if you were still that grad student he fell in love with."

"See?" I exclaimed to Kate. "He doesn't want me at all!"

Jarvis turned to me with a smile. "Give him time, Emma. He just needs to get used to the changes."

"For what? To fall in love with me again and find new and interesting ways to fuck up my life? I'm not interested."

They looked at me with the same amused but disbelieving expression on their faces and I glared at them both for a moment before getting up and stalking into the bathroom. I could hear their voices as I slammed the door.

How could they be amused by this? How was this funny? I didn't find it funny at all, I found it... exhausting. My face in the mirror looked tired and drawn, the set of my mouth downright cranky.

I was just jet lagged, that's why this conversation was upsetting me so. I hadn't slept more than a few hours since I hit London soil, and it had been a long two days. It wasn't Alex, it was my tired overreaction. No wonder I sounded like such a confused mess. Kate was twisting my words around to support her own theory of everlasting love. Perhaps for her and Jarvis, not for me and Alex.

I splashed some water on my face and returned to the livingroom with a deep breath. Jarvis was gone and Kate offered me another chocolate bar.

"No thank you. I've had enough. Jarvis go to bed?"

"Yeah."

I sat across the room from her in the armchair near the windows, lighting a cigarette. It was warm enough for the windows to be open, and I liked the silence of London in the early morning, just the occasional car driving by. Kate and I were quiet for a moment. "Why did it take you so long to tell Jarvis that you had been raped?"

"We're not talking about me."

I wrinkled my nose at her. "I'm tired of talking about me."

She opened her mouth to argue and I shot her my best teacher look. That one always got her. "Fine, I'll give you a break. I didn't tell him because I didn't see a reason to. I mean, fuck, I was raped when I was 16 years old. I was living on the streets and it was part of my life. By the time I met Jarvis I was a completely different person, what was the point of reliving the horror of my past? Why didn't you tell Alex?"

I sighed. It wouldn't be fair for me to avoid the question, as much as I would have liked to. "Because being with him made me forget, and I liked that. I didn't want to risk it. I didn't want him to treat me differently. I liked having wild sex with him, and I was worried that if I told him he'd look at me differently."

"What, he'd think you were damaged goods?" she exclaimed.

"Katie, I might be uptight, but I realize that we live in the 20th century. I know the rape wasn't my fault, and I know that Alex wouldn't have thought so, either. But I was worried that protective streak would take over, and he would think twice about touching me. I didn't want that. I liked the way he touched me. He made me enjoy sex for the first time in my life, and I didn't want that to end."

"He didn't make you enjoy sex. You did that." I began to argue and she went on. "He didn't cure your scars from being raped. You made the decision to stop letting that one act define your life. Maybe your lust for him finally outweighed that scared voice in the back of your head, but you made that choice."

I could only blink at her for a moment. I'd never thought about it quite that way before. For years, I'd been so fucking thankful to Alex for helping me, and maybe I should have been thanking myself.

"You enjoyed sex with Tony. You enjoyed it with Courtney. Its not like Alex fucking James has all the answers. If there was one thing you needed to realize before you could go back to him, its that he's only a man."

Stubbing out my cigarette, I considered her point. "You may be right. But it doesn't really matter if I want him back or not, because he's still in love with Kate."

"Bullshit."

"Everyone keeps attempting to convince me of that, but I don't believe you."

"Why not? Why do you want him to be in love with her so much? They weren't good together, they created one neurotic mess after another. You can't possibly think he was truly happy with her."

Drawing my knees up to my chest, I pondered my answer. "No. I don't think he was. But he was madly in love with her, and I would hate to be a rebound."

Kate's eyes lit up at my first confession that perhaps I might want Alex back in my life, but she controlled herself. I tried not to laugh. "All that is much easier than admitting that you don't want to be hurt again, isn't it?"

Bitch. I hated her penchant for the truth. Avoiding her eyes, I reached for my cigarettes again. "Why are you insisting upon this so much this evening?"

"Because I want you to be happy."

"I am happy, Katie. I whine a lot, and my apartment is awful, but I'm happier now than I ever have been. That includes my time with Alex. I have a big successful life and amazing friends and I love what I do."

"A career isn't everything. I learned that the hard way."

"I've been a career girl for about six months, Kate. I think I have a while before I need to settle down."

"That's not what I mean, Em. You... you pine for him, and he can't keep away from you. I'm tired of watching the two of you dance around the subject."

"I don't pine for Alex." Pine... since when was I the heroine in a stupid romance novel?

"You do too."

I shrugged. "Perhaps he is my true love that is never meant to be. I reserve the right to pine over him once in a while. But that doesn't mean my life isn't good without him."

"I never said your life wasn't good. It just might be better with him in it."

Shaking my head, I yawned at her. "Ok, ok, it might be. Point conceded, if you let me go to bed."

With a truly defeated sigh, she threw up her hands. "Fine, this conversation is getting repetitive. But the two of you will be back together before the end of the year, mark my words."

"Whatever."

But I caught myself looking at him differently the next time I saw him, at a pre-production meeting for the video. What if I did throw myself at him? What would happen? How could I be sure that he wanted me for the me I was now and not the insecure girl he first fell in love with?

Did I really want him? He was selfish and spoiled, far too accustomed to having his own way and having things done for him. And his bad habits were catching up with him, he wasn't quite the sleek gorgeous man I'd fallen in love with.

But when his hair fell into his eyes and he laughed, my heart stopped, beer belly or not. He had a quick, amusing comment for everything, and I followed every tangent he had, even as the others were telling him to shut up. I liked his tangents.

We called a brief recess when lunch was delivered, and I sat back in my chair with a sigh, rubbing my eyes. Was I tired because this was a big job, or because I was too busy worrying myself over Alex?

"Are we too much for you?"

I opened my eyes to find him looking at me. "No. Just a headache, I've been working too much lately."

"And staring at too many naughty webpages. Why didn't you tell me you'd been to the solicitor's again?"

I laughed. "Oh, did you get the papers? I didn't find those sites, actually, Nick did."

"Nick?" He raised an eyebrow. Did he seem jealous or was that my imagination?

"Rhodes. I was oh so touched that he was trolling porn sites in my best interests."

"Hell, none of my friends do that sort of thing for me." I had to laugh. "But, seriously, Emmie, you should have told me. I would have gone to the solicitor's with you."

"I can handle going to the lawyer's, Alex. Really." I patted his hand, lying on the table, but he took my hand before I could pull it away.

"I just want you to know you can ask for my help."

"I already did, you're signing all the suits, and I appreciate that."

He began to say something, but instead shook his head. "Yeah. You are fine, aren't you?"

"Do you want to see the sites? I'm sure someone can get us on-line."

"Um... yeah. I just got the papers this morning, I haven't had a chance to look at them."

I grabbed my planner and asked one of the record company people if they could get us on-line. She led us to an empty office and then left us alone. "Do you have the website address thingies?"

I had to smile at him. "URL. Uniform Resource Locator. And I have my very own webpage dedicated to them."

"You do not."

"Look." It came up slowly, a long list of links and a picture of Tricia and Emily. "They keep me sane."

He shook his head at the page. "You were always incredibly organized."

"Well, this made sense, I work on so many different computers, and this way the solicitor's office and I can keep track of them. These are also links directly to the pages with my photos, its bad enough without wading through all those fucking intro screens." I scanned the list, looking for the latest entries, and he tapped the photo of Emily.

"Do you ever regret it?"

I hit a link and glanced at him. "Regret what?"

"2.5 children in the wilds of suburbia."

He was only sitting a couple of inches from me, I discovered as I turned my head to search his face. Why this question now? "Why?"

"I was reading one of your old emails, one that you wrote to me while you were home, and you sounded... wistful about Tricia and her family."

"I... I suppose. They are very happy, and I wonder if I'll ever have that sort of security if my life continues on this path."

"You're only just 27, Emmie. You're hardly an old maid."

"But I don't meet the sort of men that would be happy in the wilds of suburbia when I'm taking pictures of pop stars all day."

"Would you honestly be happy in suburbia for the rest of your life?"

I considered for a moment. "Probably not."

"I didn't think so." His eyes flickered away from mine to glance at the computer screen, then he did a double take. "Nick Rhodes saw this? I'll never be able to go to an industry function again."

Ah, yes. "I'm friends with the man. He handed me the names of some sites, and we spent an entire evening together before I went home and discovered what he had seen."

"Have you spoken to him since?"

"Uh, no, actually."

"I don't blame you." We both leaned forward a bit, studying it. I was on my hands and knees as Alex thrust into me from behind. It was just a touch graphic. The joy of automatic timers on cameras. What had we been thinking? "How much is embarrassment worth on the litigation scale?"

I laughed. "Quite a bit, I believe."

"Good. Are there more?" He reached across me to use the mouse and our hands touched. I moved away before I could blush again. We surfed to a few sites before we agreed that we'd had enough, unable to look at one another. Context was everything, at one point these photos had been almost unbearably sexy and now they were unbearably embarrassing.

"I hate that they've ruined some beautiful memories for me." His voice was quiet, barely a whisper as I busied myself clearing the cache. I didn't want someone else stumbling across them if I could help it.

"I know."

"Em..." He stroked my cheek and I turned to look at him, unable to stop myself. He was so lovely, his eyes full of affection and concern as he studied my face. "Don't let them ruin it all, please. Our relationship was about more than a bunch of pictures."

"Of course it was." I will not cry. I will not throw myself at him. I couldn't stand it when he was sweet to me. His hand was on the back of my neck, his fingers laced in my hair, and all I could think of was kissing him.

"I'm going to refuse to continue this if it threatens the friendship we're building. I ruined one good friendship with sex this year, I'm not willing to do it again."

Kate. It always comes back to Kate. "It won't. Promise, I'm good with this. The photos and the friendship."

He searched my eyes, reassuring himself that I was truthful, finally dropping his hand just as the door opened. "Are you looking at naughty pictures on the internet again?"

I looked up at Damon, glad for the reprieve. Sweet Alex was more than I could ever take, it was too close to the tender, affectionate man I fell in love with two years ago. "Perhaps."

He leaned over the computer, disappointment showing in his face when he realized there were no naked pictures on it. "When are you going to show those pictures to me?"

"Fucking never. Get on line and figure it out yourself if you're so fucking eager to see me naked," Alex snapped.

Damon rolled his eyes at Alex. "I've seen you naked, nothing interesting there. But, Em..."

Shaking my head, I stood up from the desk. "In your dreams, darling. Did anyone think to leave lunch for us?"

"I protected a tuna sandwich for you. Alex can get his own." They bickered good naturedly as I gathered my things and followed them out of the office, back to our conference room.

Alex only wanted to be friends, I had to accept that. He was still hung up on Kate, not on me.

Friends was good, right?