<Chapter 1>

"You think you know…"

"But you have no idea!" Rachel finished for me, giggling and taking another sip of champagne.

This was an awfully nice green room, but one could expect nothing less of MTV, right? We had champagne and food and a nice girl named Rebecca who could get us anything we wanted. Anything, she stressed.

We all knew she meant drugs, but I asked for JC Chasez. We didn’t do illegal substances. Well, at least not before a show.

And this show… every week the stakes got a little higher. Our video was on the countdown every day, we were live on TRL a couple of weeks ago… now they’d flown us in to do a couple of numbers of the end of the season Labor Day bash at the MTV beach house.

I was going to throw up. This was a live show, broadcast to millions. What if the crowd hated us? We were used to our devoted following by now, we had fans who screamed along to every line and looked at us with adoration every night.

We were in a room where we could look down at the crowd, and I glanced out the window. There were a million tanned, perfect bodies out there, the prime MTV demographic. They didn’t like us, did they? It was just our street team calling and emailing every day that got us on TRL, not the trendiods out there. The people out there were the kids that made fun of me and Rachel in high school. We weren’t cool. We were never cool.

They were going to hate us. We were going to tank, and this ride would be over. That’s it. No headlining stadiums, no MTV’s Diary, no Behind the Music. Sudden Silence, one hit wonder.

"Mr. Packard?"

I turned around from looking out the window and felt my jaw hit the floor.

"James, this is JC Chasez." Rebecca smiled at JC. "Just so happened that James wanted to meet you as well, JC."

"Holy shit," I heard myself whisper. I was just joking. I didn’t expect Rebecca to get me the boybander of my choice in three minutes.

JC smiled. "Yeah, I’ve heard rumors that you think I’m sorta cute."

I couldn’t speak. I should really say something.

Fuck, he was hotter in person. Black T-shirt with something glittery on it, jeans… was N*Sync allowed to wear jeans? We’d had discussions about this on the tour bus, hadn’t we? Man, he looked good in jeans. It was those skinny little hips he had.

God, he knows I have a crush on him? How mortally embarrassing.

The entire world knows you have a crush on him, James. Get over it.

"Close your mouth, dear," Rachel said, grinning at me for a second before she held out a hand to JC. "Nice to meet you, I’m Rachel Connor."

"The wanton sex goddess herself! Charmed." He kissed her hand.

He was gay. He was so gay! Who kisses girls’ hands like that?

Was N*Sync allowed to be gay? He wasn’t gay. That was my wishful thinking. He was just being charming and boyband-y and… fuck, I should really say something.

I was so bad at this. I had always been bad at this, I was bad with girls, then I figured out I liked boys and I thought it would get better, but no, put a cute boy in front of me and I couldn’t speak.

And this one! Christ, he was hot. Watching the videos was one thing, and the entire band delighted in buying me teenybopper magazines for the photos, but now he was live in front of me and he was gorgeous.

The rest of my fucking band was doing fine, chatting to him like they were old friends. Bastards. Rachel was teasing him about his curly hair.

He had hair issues. Rachel and I had discussed this at length. It was curly, so for years, he had it short. This album, he let it grow, and we imagined it took some doing to make it appear straight. But I loved that big straight hair. Today, it was curly.

It didn’t matter. He was still fucking hot, curly hair, straight hair. Hell, he’d probably be hot with no hair.

Especially when he smiled right at me, like now. "What happened to the blue?"

Blue? What blue? The only blue I could see was his eyes, a silvery bluey gray. They were really nice eyes.

Hair. He means my hair in the video. "This is the blue. Manic Panic fades after a few weeks," I managed. Brilliant repartee here, James. I’m supposed to be the funny one, goddamnit.

"The trials of being punk rock," Rachel teased, and I rolled my eyes at her, relaxing at that familiar tone.

"Yeah, well, someone has been too busy to fix it for me."

"I could get my stylist to fix it for you now," JC offered. "Not that it’s bad," he backtracked, when Rachel and I both looked at him.

"You’ve got a stylist with you?" she squeaked, making him laugh.

"What, do you think I picked out this outfit on my own? They follow me around and stick sequins on everything I put on. And attack me with hair products," he squealed, batting at a woman reaching out to him with a comb. "Leave me alone!"

If I looked at Rachel, I would burst into hysterical laughter, so I didn’t look at her. He was adorable. Not only was he sex on a stick, he was freaking adorable.

The woman sighed and put down her comb. "I could have made it straight," she insisted, and JC shook his head at her.

"You couldn’t. It has a mind of its own, I don’t care what hair magic you think you have, it’s humid out there and in two minutes I would have curls again. So stop."

"Fine. We need to get out there anyway," she informed him, then looked at me. "I could fix that."

"Fix what?" I asked, defensive. Thank god we didn’t have a stylist. I never wanted a stylist. They scared me.

"Your hair. It used to be blue, right?"

"Shut up, Sarah!" JC insisted. "His hair is fine. Come on, attack me and leave my new friends alone."

He rolled his eyes, letting Sarah lead him away. "I have to go do this. I’ll see you guys later?"

"Sure," I nodded, waiting until he left the room, trailed by a crowd of management and stylists and bodyguards, to look at Rachel and scream. She laughed at me.

"He’s as obsessed with his hair as we are," she giggled, and I fell into the nearest chair.

"I made such an idiot of myself," I wailed, and Rachel sat on the arm of my chair, patting my head. My head covered with horrible faded blue hair. Two minutes ago, I’d liked it, it was sorta a sky blue, but obviously it was awful. I had to be on stage in about twenty minutes, I couldn’t fix it that fast. Maybe a hat?

"You didn’t. You were fine. He likes you. He’s coming back, he said so."

"He’s not coming back. He’s going to do his bit and leave."

I was hanging on his every word. I was so lame. He was talking to Carson about the tour they just finished, and the new video they’d just done, and I was paying attention.

I don’t think Rachel paid this much attention when Nick was on screen. But she got to see him all the time; I just had occasional glimpses of my entirely unobtainable crush.

"I’m totally looking forward to Sudden Silence, actually," he said, and I grabbed Rachel, making her look at the screen. "Love their album."

The crowd screamed, and Rachel and I blinked at one another. This crowd cared about us?

"You might want to watch out for the bassist," Carson teased, and I could barely watch. "I hear he’s got a crush on you."

JC just smiled. "Yeah, I heard that. They were on your show a couple weeks ago and he mentioned that."

Oh, Christ.

He saw that? I said the stupidest things when I was nervous. I’d been scared to death that day, live in the MTV studios, and of course Carson brought it up, and of course I had to say something, and of course, two minutes later I was outed to the entire world.

Not that I cared if the whole world knew that I was gay, but I never really dreamed I’d meet JC.

"Too bad he’s not my type, but it’s flattering anyway. Now, Rachel…"

Darien whacked Rachel. "You get all the attention, Diva Princess. Where is Britney, talking about the cute drummer?"

"Probably sucking face with Justin," she teased back, and I couldn’t hear what JC was talking about anymore as they taunted each other. JC was surely just talking about how hot my best friend was. Story of my fucking life.

Impossible that a boy band-er is gay, James. Relax and talk to him if he comes back. Watch Rachel flirt with him, she was good at that.

His presence was just one more thing to make me nervous today. Better to obsess on him than on the many ways I could fuck up out there in front of millions.

The screen cut to commercial and I looked out the window almost involuntarily. JC was kneeling down on the stage, signing autographs and smiling for photos, and I just watched him for a minute, until I felt Rachel’s arm around my waist. "He is so pretty," she said, smiling up at me.

"He is," I agreed. "Tell me I would be less of a freak if I wasn’t so nervous about the show."

"You weren’t a freak at all, sweetie. You were just… quiet. I knew you were freaking out, but I doubt he did. He probably just thought you were being mysterious and aloof."

"Whatever," I rolled my eyes. "He thinks you’re cute."

She grinned. "Everyone thinks I’m cute. I’m the ‘it girl’ for the summer."

I shoved her away from me. "Shut up. I’m gonna start selling old pictures of you to the tabloids."

She squealed in mock horror. "Oh, no, don’t ruin my mystique!"

"Easy enough to do, Rache," Jeremy said from behind us. "They can just look at our first album cover."

She scowled at him, and I watched them fight for a minute, until movement at the door caught my eye.

"I’m going to stay and watch Sudden Silence," JC was saying to one of the many in his entourage. Whoever it was started to argue with him, and he sighed, interrupting them. "I don’t need the car, I don’t need anyone else, I am fine."

Rachel poked me. "Told you he’d be back."

"Only because he likes you," I teased, and she shook her head.

"I am so holding out for Justin. He’s the one with all the talent."

I gave her a look and we both fell into giggles. Justin annoyed the hell out of both of us, he was all ego.

"Hey, Rachel," JC called, walking over to us. "I just plugged you on national TV, can we date now?"

Rachel giggled at him. "I might have to hold out for the opportunity to have a cat fight with Britney over Justin. Just think what a story that would be for the ‘Behind the Music.’"

"Entirely unfair, Justin gets all the best girls!"

Entirely unfair, Rachel gets all the best guys.

Well, not that I had any interest in Nick Carter, but whatever. Couldn’t I just get one hot famous guy to like me?

He sat down on the couch next to me and I tried not to sigh. Rachel handed me a beer and I watched them flirt for a few minutes, talking about Justin and Nick and boy band intrigue. There was a story about Nick getting Britney’s cell phone number that had Rachel and I both in hysterics.

"So, JC-" Rachel started, then stopped herself. "Is it always ‘JC’? Or are you like AJ, and cool people get to call him ‘Alex’?"

"Its ‘JC,’ has been for years. My family calls me ‘Josh,’ and that’s about it. Do you call him ‘Alex’?"

She grinned at him. "I can call him whatever I want."

I rolled my eyes. "Like the rest of the world, AJ thinks Rachel is cute."

"He was my first Backstreet boyfriend, don’t forget that!" she giggled, and JC gave her a questioning look.

"Really?" he asked.

"No," she laughed. "When I first started hanging out with them, the kids online couldn’t figure if I belonged to AJ or Nick, when I wasn’t with either of them. They have this problem with girls just being friends with their pop idols."

JC nodded seriously. "Yeah, I know that syndrome. Been there." He smiled at me and I might have blushed. He had a really pretty smile. "Is it always ‘James’? ‘Jim’? ‘Jamie’?" Are we back to nicknames?

"James," I told him, as Rachel giggled.

"I get to call you ‘Jamie,’" Lola protested, joining us, and I looked up at her.

"You do. Not that I like it, but you do call me that."

"Because I run your life and don’t you forget it. I hold all the power here. Now, why are you wearing Darien’s hat?"

"Because it’s cool?" I tried.

"It sucks," she told me bluntly, as Lola normally did. "Gay poster boys do not wear baseball caps!"

Rachel snickered, dancing out of my way as I tried to whack her. "JC told him his hair sucks, and he’s all self conscious now," she tattled.

"I did not!" JC protested next to me, and I looked over at him. "My stylist is an idiot, your hair is great."

He looked sincere, too.

Was it possible that my raving insecurity was clouding my judgement?

"The lovely JC Chasez!" Lola exclaimed. "Are you going to sit on his amp in place of the puppet?"

Fuck my insecurity, I was going to kill Rachel and Lola both when I got them alone. JC laughed, and I went to whack Lola, but ended up hitting Rachel. "Hey!" she whined. "I didn’t say anything."

"You will," I muttered, making JC laugh harder.

"The puppet goes on stage?" he giggled, and I sighed.

"It’s a good luck charm! The video did well, now if I get rid of it, something terrible will happen," I grumbled, trying not to sound like an idiot.

"Then what’s the excuse for the Kevy action figure?" Rachel wondered innocently and I gave her a ‘duh’ look.

"He’s hot!"

"Hey, my toy is bigger," JC boasted, and I grinned at him.

"But it has strings, they really get in the way," I deadpanned.

"GI Joe can beat up those pansy ass boy band toys any day," Darien bragged, coming over and snatching his ball cap off my head.

"Yeah, there was a war of some sort in the video," JC noted, and I tried not to groan. Why had it never occurred to me that he might actually see that video? I’m sure he watched as much TRL as Nick and the other boys did. "Did it really only take a day to film?"

Darien and Rachel were teasing one another about something, so it was up to me to answer. "That’s it. Em kept saying we could have been done in the first hour."

"Emma Evesham, how the hell did you score her?"

Emma? We never called her ‘Emma,’ it sounded way too formal. I pointed at Rachel. "They’re good friends." Em ended up Rachel’s best friend in those few months that we weren’t speaking, and sometimes I was still weirdly jealous of that. I didn’t find another best friend in those long sorry weeks, and I could have used one.

"Can she put in a good word for us?"

I laughed. "It doesn’t work. She won’t do Backstreet, either, and she likes them better, sorry."

He wrinkled his nose at me. "We know. Believe me, we know. We’ve only gotten to work with her a couple times, and it seems like everything they do is with her. She’s great to work with, how is she with the video? Did she have it all planned out ahead of time?"

I had to laugh again. "Dude, seriously, we were making it up as we went along." He didn’t believe me, so I went on. "Really. She made up storyboards for the label and trashed them all. We did the department store thing because we needed to buy a stereo to play the track on, and we ended up in the toy store from there."

"No way!" he exclaimed, and I nodded.

"Way. Totally. Nick said the same thing, that Em’s always all organized, and I guess I’ve never seen her in action. He was all freaked out all day, said Em usually yells at him all the time."

"She does," he said seriously. "I think she hates Justin. She’s got this teacher voice that just freaks him out."

"Nah, she loves Nick and uses that tone on him all the time. That’s just Em."

"So, how did you meet her?" he wondered.

"We opened for Blur a few years back and she’s married to the bassist. Well, she wasn’t then, but they were together. Then Rachel dated the lead singer for a while and she and Em got to be friends."

"I thought Rachel was with Jeremy before!"

What, was he doing Rachel research? Of course he was, he thought she was hot, like the rest of the fucking world did. "She was. She gets around. She’s easy."

Yeah, I thought that would make her whack me, and I ducked. "I am not easy!" she complained.

"Whatever, Rache. You keep telling yourself that," Jeremy drawled. "You like singers, admit it."

"Maybe because you ruined me for guitar players, Nolan." They didn’t get two steps into their joking tussle before Lola yanked them apart.

"Quit it! It’s time for soundcheck."

"When?" Darien questioned.

"Right now. At least on stage you don’t act like first graders."

"Usually," Rachel finished for her, giggling.

"Whatever," Lola rolled her eyes. "Let’s go."

Rachel pulled me out of my seat, smiling at JC. "I have to take him back now, JC. Will we see you later?"

He hesitated a second. "What are you doing after your performance?"

Rachel and I exchanged a look and shrugged. We hadn’t gotten that far. I was about to throw up, knowing we had to go soundcheck, and then we’d have to actually play for all those tanned MTV-ers out there. We were going to tank.

"I know a good seafood place, not far… want to do dinner?"

"Sure," I answered. Did that sound casual? I knew he liked Rachel, but I think he was asking me, too, and I’d be happy to just stare at him for a couple more hours.

"Cool," he smiled. "I’ll get us a car and stuff, see you after the show."

"Fun!" Rachel grinned at him. "See you in a bit, then."