"I have to go."

Pasting a casual smile on my face, I turned to look at him. "I heard."

He started towards me and I went back to chopping. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't let him know how disappointed I was.

"I'm sorry, James. I really am, you're doing all this, and I'm bailing on you. I didn't plan this, I thought I had tonight."

I waved him away. "It's fine. I understand. Work happens."

He leaned his forehead on my shoulder. "You're mad."

Damnit. Damnit, damnit, damnit. If I'm mad, then I care. And he can't know that I care.

I turned around, smiling at him. "Jace, I'm fine. Hell, that could have been Jeremy on my phone, we both know that. Go and do your secret boyband things. Are they going to at least feed you?"

"Yeah, Joey has this pizza place that he has to order from whenever we're in the city. It's good, but it's not all this." He motioned around the kitchen. "I'm sorry, it's half done, and I won't be here to eat it."

I shrugged. "No biggie. I'll call a friend, someone will surely be glad to eat with me."

Bullshit. There was no one I wanted to be with tonight, except maybe Rachel, and she was in fucking Japan. What time was it there? Could I call her?

He took my hands, backing out of the kitchen and pulling me along. "Next time. I owe you dinner."

"And hot sex," I had to joke. My disappointment was more than just sexual frustration, but that was certainly a bit of it.

Grinning, he let go of my hands, looking around for his shoes. "Well, that's a given. After the Bahamas, we're off for a while. You're touring in December, right? When are you in LA?"

There is not going to be a next time, James. Remember?

"Dunno," I shrugged. "We might be swamped when we're there. LA is always all about press and stupid label crap."

He stepped into his shoes, then turned to look at me. "Oh. Well, give me a call. I'd like to catch your gig, even if you won't have time to get together."

He shoved his hands in his pockets, not looking at me, and there was a second of uncomfortable silence.

"You should go," I finally said.

"Yeah. Oh, I have stuff." He found his bags and stood at the door for a second, before coming over and kissing me. It could have been a goodbye peck on the cheek, but no, he had to put his heart and soul into it. Bastard. We swayed apart and when he spoke, it was barely a whisper. "I had a great time today."

"Me too," I admitted, removing my hand from his hair. How did it get there?

Smiling, he opened his eyes slowly. "I'll talk to you soon."

"Yeah." He kissed me again, quickly, and left.

I shut the door after him and leaned my head against it, trying to breathe. How stupid can you be, James? How can you fall for him? This was just an amusing fling, nothing else. Then why was I so sad that he was gone?

It took 15 minutes, but I finally got Rachel on the phone. "James? What's wrong?"

"Did I wake you up?"

"It's nine in the morning here, yeah."

"Sorry." I didn't even know where to start.

"James!" she snapped, and I jumped. Shit, I was so caught up in my problems I didn't even think how she might be panicking.

"Oh, Rachel, I'm sorry. I didn't even think. This is nothing, I'm just having a lovelife crisis and I miss you."

"Aw, honey… lovelife?" she perked. "You have a lovelife? What did I miss?"

"JC," I whined, staring at the wall.

"What happened?" she said, excited and giddy for me. Then her voice got softer. "It's James, bunny. Go back to sleep." I could hear him mumble something, and her giggle, that laugh she used only for him.

I wanted that. I wanted to wake up next to someone in the morning and have him reach out for me if I left. I didn't want stolen moments.

"James, let me call you back. Two minutes. I'm going to go into the other room."

"No, you can stay with the boy toy. I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Are you fucking joking? This must be good. What time is it there?"

"Seven. In the evening. He just left."

"He was there?" she screeched.

"Was is the operative word. Duty called and he left me with half a dinner ready."

"Good lord, you're cooking for him now? What did you make?"

I smiled. Rachel always wanted to know about food. "Garlic mashed potatoes, salad, grilled veggies, and steak. It's all ready but the steak."

"Go throw your steak on and fix a plate. I'll order breakfast and call you back in a few minutes. OK?"

"Rachel?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I know, sweetie," she smiled. "Three minutes, your phone will ring. Nicky can pay for this call." I heard him whine, and her giggle again. "We'll take it out in trade, baby. James, three minutes!"

The line went dead and I hung up the phone. I knew it would ring again. I might not have someone to wake up to in the morning, but I had her. Halfway across the world, I still had Rachel.

<JC>

"JC?" I wasn't even in my room, and I had Chris staring at me like I was a freak.

"What?" I snapped, juggling my bags along with my key card.

"Nothing. Just wasn't sure if that was you, or your long lost frat boy jock twin brother."

I kicked open the door and went inside, Chris on my heels. This is why I didn't even call in today. I had no fucking privacy, ever. I dropped my bag, and was about to ask him what the hell he was talking about when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Damn, I didn't look like myself.

"It was an incognito day," I told him, taking off my hat and running a hand through my hair. An hour ago, James had done that, teasing me about how he missed the 'fuck me' hair all day.

An hour ago, he was teasing me, and 20 minutes ago, he was blowing me off. Damnit. What did I do? It was business. He had to understand that. He knew what it was like, the unexpected meetings, how days off suddenly turned into work.

Chris picked up the ball cap I'd tossed on the coffee table and examined it. "Royal Canadian Pancake House? What the fuck is that?"

"Pancakes make people happy!" Joey crowed, elbowing his way in with a stack of pizza boxes. "Party in JC's room!" he announced to the hallway.

Ten minutes. I couldn't get ten fucking minutes to change into my clothes and get James out of my head. The cab ride wasn't enough, I was wearing his clothes, looking at stuff I'd bought with him today.

Joey dropped the boxes on the coffee table and looked at Chris. "Why are we discussing the fabulous Pancake House?"

"Dunno," Chris shrugged, offering the cap to Joey. "Ask C."

Joey looked at me. "How did you find the Royal Canadian, Columbia boy?"

Chris snickered, and I crossed my arms over the logo on my sweatshirt. James' sweatshirt. I should have it washed and send it back to him. But if I keep it, then he'll have to see me when he's in LA.

Great, JC, holding a sweatshirt hostage. That'll work.

"A friend took me there this morning."

"What friend?" Lance asked, walking in and sitting down on the couch. "Do we have plates or are we going to eat like animals from the box?"

We all gave him an eye roll. Plates just got in the way of the pizza experience. "We're eating pizza from the box and beer from the can," Justin asserted, sitting next to him and depositing a six pack on the table. "We're regular guys."

"Whatever, diva," Chris grumbled, opening my mini bar and pulling out all the beer. "What, no wine, JC?"

"JC wasn't home last night," Lance ratted me out. "No time to stock the fridge."

They all hooted at me and I gave up, throwing myself into a chair. "Where were you, lover boy?" Joey teased. "With a Columbia grad, I bet."

"Yeah," I admitted.

"Was she hot?" Justin leered.

It had probably been a year since I'd slept with a girl. Not that I saw any reason to tell my band about my lame sex life, but they at least knew that much.

"He is really fucking hot, yes," I answered, and Justin laughed. "James Packard."

"The Sudden Silence guy?" Lance asked.

"Dude, at least bag the chick! That would make Backstreet insane!" Joey had to offer, and I sighed at him.

"She's not my type. And she's in Japan at the moment, so that would be a bit difficult."

"Weren't you with him once before?" Lance continued like there had been no interruption, and I looked at him. Lance knew more about my sex life than the others. He knew the rules. Never more than once with the same guy, never give out the phone number, never call. Return visits to the same city were meaningless. This was not about having a relationship, it was sex. I had friends for my emotional needs.

"Yeah." That was a lie. It had been a few times, and more phone calls than I could count.

That stopped the teasing for a second. They all knew the rules, didn't they? My being in the closet was essential to the band. Rumors were one thing, but James might be undeniable.

"He must be fucking hot, to make you go back a second time," Chris accused.

Fifth, I think. Didn't matter. I just got the brush off.

"I was bored, he's in town. No big deal."

"But, all day?" Lance questioned. He worried about me sometimes. He wanted me to find someone nice and settle down. I don't think he really cared about the gender.

I shrugged. "We had lunch. Hung out a little. Just like I would with any of you guys."

"Only without the hot male on male action," Justin teased, and normalcy returned. Fine. I didn't want to talk about James any more. I grabbed a beer and a slice, and let them tease me. Connie walked in five minutes later with a stack of papers and shook her head at us.

"JC, nice of you to join us."

I smirked at her. Whatever. We had today off.

"Connie, what would happen if JC announced his undying love for James Packard of Sudden Silence on the special this week?" Chris had to sneak in there, and everyone looked at her, waiting for her answer.

"It's entirely possible that the world as we know it would come to a crashing halt, Christopher," she told him, sitting across from me. "Something you need to tell me, JC?"

I glared at Chris. "No. We're friends!"

"I believe the term is 'butt buddies'," Justin snickered, sending himself into gales of laughter.

Connie just kept looking at me, one eyebrow raised. "Not that you need to know everything about my sex life, Connie, but we've been together a few times. He's discreet. It's cool."

"It might not be cool if you're seen together. He's rather… out. Isn't he?"

"He's not a raving queen," I snapped. "He's just gay. With some people, it's a non issue. His band has certainly survived."

"There was nothing to survive with them. It's not like they're changing public perception of him. If you-"

I interrupted her. "If the world knows I'm gay, the little girls will think everything is a lie, and they'll stop buying pillowcases with my face on them, and the American economy might come to a crashing halt. Yeah, I've heard this one before. I repeat it to myself every fucking night, Connie. Believe me. I know."

They all looked at me, shocked. I sounded perhaps a tad bitter. I rested my elbows on my knees, running my fingers through my hair. None of them knew. None of them had any idea what the inside of my head was like. Fuck, I wasn't even sure why I was so pissed off right now. I just knew I hated talking about James like he was a business decision to be made. He was my friend.

"Well, if you know, JC, perhaps you should watch yourself a bit more closely," Connie warned, and I sighed.

"It's my fucking life, Connie. Does every single thing I do or touch or say have to be about the band? Can't I just have a friend?"

"Well, when he's so high profile, it becomes about the band. And half of their last video was him with that doll of you, they got all sorts of press about that, the entire world knows he has a crush on you. Now you're with him? That's going to be hard to combat."

"I'm not 'with' him! We're friends. Why can't I do that?"

"Because it doesn't look good. It's going to lead to rumors."

I glared up at her. "Maybe I should just get some girl pregnant, then. That evidently doesn't look bad." I stalked into the bedroom, kicking open the door to the balcony.

Shit. Five minutes ago it was fine, it was a non-issue, and I just made it into a fucking issue. The last thing I ever wanted to do was discuss my sex life with my manager. Fucking Chris had to say something in front of her. Now I was going to have to clear my every step with Connie first.

I should have lied. I should have said it was nothing, and it was over and then just been quiet about it.

That would have been worse, if they'd found out later that we'd been together a few times, it would have blown up even more.

I should have lied. He'd definitely given me the brush off. It was over. I was fighting with my band for nothing.

"JC?"

Lance. I didn't turn around from staring out at the view, my hands clenched around the railing. "Tell Joey I'm sorry, would ya?"

"He knows." He came to stand next to me and we stood there for a moment, looking at the skyline.

"They used to be right there." I pointed to a blank spot in the sky. We were in the middle of Manhattan, but I'd seen the Twin Towers from this hotel before.

"Yeah," Lance said quietly.

James and I had seen some of the memorials today, and he told me the stories of his friends that got out. On September 11, he was one of the few people I couldn't contact, and the one that I panicked about. What did that mean?

"What's going on, JC?" Lance asked.

"Nothing," I shook my head. Nothing. It all meant nothing.

"Bullshit. That was not fucking nothing. I've never heard you talk like that."

I started to say something, then shook my head again. "It doesn't matter, Lance. I don't think he wants to see me again, so I blew up for no reason."

"He doesn't want to see you again? Does that imply that you're… together?"

I blinked at the blank skyline. "I don't know what it implies. Nothing. I got the brush off, so it doesn't matter." I pushed myself away from the railing. "I'll go apologize now."

"Is that it?" his quiet voice stopped me. "Is that why you're upset?"

"I don't know," I admitted.

"I'm sorry, man. I didn't know he mattered to you, but I'm sorry if it's over."

"There was nothing to be over, Lance. It was just a thing. We had fun together, and we were in the middle of making dinner when Joey called. So my plans got fucked up, and I got annoyed. I shouldn't have taken it out on you guys."

"You could have had dinner."

I whirled around. "Yeah, I could have told Joey that I was hanging out with my fuck of the week, and we were having dinner. I would have lived that down sometime next century. I'd rather not have the band involved in my sex life, thanks."

"We don't care," he told me. "None of us care that you're gay. We all know what's going on, we see you pick up guys, we know that you don't look at women they way we do. And none of us care. It just gives us something else to pick on you about," he tried to joke.

"I know," I sighed, trying not to get mad again. They might not care, but management did, and so did the rest of the world, and it was absolutely taboo that I might come out. Not that I had ever wanted to, That would mean telling my parents, and that wasn't gonna happen in my lifetime. But still. It wasn't an option that I had.

I knew that was why James gave me the brush off. I knew it. There was no way I was imagining that we had a great time today. He liked me. The first time he might have gotten off on my celebrity, but I knew it was more than that now.

If I could be out, if we could have walked down the street holding hands, what might happen? We understood each other. We were both in the business. That was the sort of combination that might… work.

"Hey, you better get out there or the pizza will be gone."

I turned around, finding Justin at the door to the balcony. "Yeah, I'd hate to have two dinners fucked up tonight," I joked, then realized Justin had no idea what I was talking about when he gave me a blank look. "Nevermind, Just. I'm coming."

"We told Connie to get lost and stop telling you who to be friends with."

"Thanks, man."

"Yeah, that's up to us," Justin went on. "What are you hanging out with that pansy for? Tell me he gives you good gossip on Nick Carter, at least!"

I slugged him. "He and Rachel broke up a couple of months ago because he was cheating on her. But she took him back."

"Damnit," Justin grumbled. "I would so be in there."

"Yeah, right," I replied sarcastically, walking back into the living room. "I know for a fact that I am her favorite member of Nsync. No, the biggest gossip I have on Nick Carter is that James actually likes him."

Chris and Joey turned to look at me, disbelief written on their faces. "Someone likes him?" Chris asked incredulously. "How is that possible? Rachel is way too much woman for that pansy ass."

I flopped back in my chair, grabbing my beer again. "Even I know that. But they're happy. One six day breakup. Hell, she's in Japan with them right now."

"Kevin and the dancer," Justin prodded, and I smiled.

"Well, that… that has all sorts of juicy details. Hand me a slice of pepperoni." I had four boys hanging on my every word for the next twenty minutes. I figured if James knew, and told me, it couldn't possibly be a secret, right.

Chapter added 03.19.06 Email feedback to The Paperbag Princess

Chapter 1: Our Heros Meet Chapter 2: Let Them Eat Cake! Chapter 3: VMA's Chapter 4: Day Off Chapter 5: Three Small Words Chapter 6: Complicated

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