I laughed, running my fingers over his chest. "Baby, you need someone with experience. Last week, I picked up a perfectly respectable gay boy and we had a perfectly enjoyable evening together."

He didn't sit up, he flew. Across the bed, out of my arms. "You fucked someone else?" he shrieked, and I just blinked at him.

"There was no penetrative sex, but certain oral activities were engaged in," I told him calmly. Was he freaking out? Or was I making this up to satisfy my own twisted ego?

"You blew someone else?"

He was freaking out. I sat up to see him better. He was furious. "I didn't mention your name, if that's what you're worried about." Why was he furious?

"That's not it. Christ, James, you were with someone else?" His voice was so fucking judgmental.

I snapped. "Fuck you, JC! You call me when you pick up some little boy toy, I know you're not fucking faithful, whatever that might mean. Are you pissed off because I didn't call?"

"No, I-" he sputtered, then stood up, grabbing his pants. "Fuck you, James."

"Are you leaving? Because I was with someone else? Why is OK for you and not for me?" I got out of bed, stepping into my shorts. This was somehow not an argument I wanted to be having while I was naked.

"Because I have terrible sex when I'm not with you!"

If I hadn't been so angry, I would have laughed. "So I should be having terrible sex with I'm not with you? Why even fucking bother? I don't even know if I'm ever going to see you again every time you leave! I'm supposed to just wait around for your fucking calls?"

"No! Don't be an idiot! But you should have told me before now!"

"Why? Do you tell me every time you're with someone else?"

"Yes! I call you as soon as they leave!"

"Every time?" That was such bullshit. It had to be.

"Yes!" he insisted, stomping his foot.

"How the fuck was I supposed to know that? For all I knew, you only called me after the bad sex."

"That's all I have without you! So, yes, I've called you every time!"

"Is that a rule, then? We can have bad sex with other guys, but we have to call each other afterwards?"

"Yes," he insisted again, still pouting, and I moved towards him, threatening with every word.

"Rules? We have fucking rules? That sounds like a fucking relationship. And I know we don't have one of those, because JC fucking Chasez does not fucking have relationships with boys! He would rather have bad sex and pretend to have relationships with girls!"

I had him pinned against the wall, and he just glared at me. "Fuck off, James." He pushed me away and walked into the living room, finding his shirt.

"No, you closeted little bastard! How dare you impose rules upon this? You don't even want to speak to me in public because I'm too gay for you, and you have the fucking audacity to tell me I can't fuck whoever I chose?"

"You can fuck whoever you want. I just think you should tell me about it!"

"Why? Give me one fucking reasons why I owe you an explanation!"

"Because I-" He stopped, meeting my eyes. "Because you're mine."

"I am not your token gay boy! I am not here solely on this earth to get you off!"

"Do you know why I call you after I have sex with lame closeted boys, James? Because I miss you. Because in one fucking night, you made me realize that my life is fucking empty. I was happier before I met you!"

"Fine. Go. Forget you every met me." I screamed it, but I fell into the nearest chair.

Oh, god, he misses me? This isn't just me?

"Don't you think I've fucking tried that?" he spat.

"Then why are you here?" I growled, looking up at him.

He leaned down, his hands on the arms of my chair. "Because the sex blows my mind."

"Say it," I hissed.

"And because I fucking love you!" he exploded, and I pulled his face down to mine, kissing him madly. He met my tongue hungrily, falling to his knees in front of me.

"Oh, god," he whispered. "Oh god oh god oh god."

I ran my fingers through his hair, raining kisses on his face. "Breathe, baby. Just breathe."

He looked up at me, panicked. "James, I-"

I shut him up with a kiss. "Don't you dare take it back. I don't care why you said it, and I won't insist upon a thousand yellow daisies."

He tried to smile, but I could see that he was terrified. I stroked his face, trying to get him to relax. "It was horrible sex. He sucked me off and all I could think about was you. I returned the favor, only because I am a gentleman, and left. I love you. I don't want to, but I do."

"Why don't you want to?" he asked quietly, and I held his head in my hands so he couldn't look away from me.

"Because I don't apologize for being gay. I can't be closeted. I can't go back there."

"That's one of the reasons why I love you. I couldn't ask you to go back."

I smiled at him. "You said it twice now."

"It's true," he confessed. "I didn't know that until about thirty seconds ago, but it's true. I'm not taking it back. And I-" He sat back, moving away from me. "I don't know what I'm doing." He covered his face with his hands, screaming quietly. "I just don't know, James."

I slid off my chair, sitting next to him on the floor. "It's OK. I don't know what the fuck we think we're doing, either."

He looked at me, shaking his head. "How could I miss this? You are all I think about, every minute, I'm thinking about how I can see you again, or talk to you… I told myself it was about the sex."

"Maybe it is about the sex," I shrugged.

"It's not about the sex!" he snapped. "Has it ever been about the sex? Haven't we spent every night together talking through half of it? I don't talk to the pick ups, James."

"Then stop picking them up."

He just blinked at me, stunned by the thought. "But… I… I never know when I'm going to see you again."

"We can change that. Maybe now that we've said those three stupid words, we could try and be in a relationship. You know, where we call each other every day, and say mushy things, and arrange visits to see each other, not just run into one another at stupid industry parties."

He shook his head. "I don't know. I've never done that before. Well, not for real. There are no mushy things said when it's all a cover."

I leaned my back against the chair, smiling at him. "Won't it be interesting to cover up the mushy things, then?"

Shaking his head, he looked away from me. "Maybe. I don't know. What… what happens now?"

I'd only said 'I love you' to one other man, and it certainly wasn't earth shattering. With Michael, it had just been an affirmation of what we both knew was true. It had led to living together and sharing bills and lives, but none of it was ever secret. "You tell me, JC. Tell me what we're allowed to do."

"Shit, James. I have no fucking idea. I've never done this before."

Leaning over, I stroked his face, and he turned terrified eyes to me. "This is supposed to be a good thing," I said quietly.

"I've never wanted anyone to know that I was gay before," he whispered. "But I'm thinking of a relationship with you and all I can see is what we can't do. If I told, we could do anything."

I held up my hand, shaking my head. "Not my decision, dude. There are too many things that could happen if you suddenly came out of the closet."

"Why would you want to be with me if I didn't?"

I considered him. Why did I want this? Up until a few minutes ago, it was just a hopeless crush, but now… was I trying to torture myself with closeting myself again? Did I just have some strange self destructive impulse all of a sudden? Maybe I should take it back and let him walk away…

"Because I love you. I love to listen to you talk, I love the way your mind wanders. I love your laugh, I love that you know everything about the business, and I love that you are completely neurotic about your underwear. I don't want you out of my life, so I'll take what you can give me."

"I don't know what I can give you, James, and that is so unfair to you." His voice shook, and he looked away from me again.

<JC>

How could he possibly love me? I couldn't do this. I couldn't be with a man. It was risking too much. I knew every time I was with him more rumors got started.

"Let me decide what's unfair to me. Believe me, I'll let you know if it's unfair."

Unfair was the fact that I was 25 fucking years old and I'd never allowed myself to fall in love. Unfair would be forcing myself to walk away from this guy who said such amazing things about me.

"We've been seen in public now. It happens all the time, and no one seems to care. I'm sure there are rumors, but I can't stop those. I've been out, I can't suddenly say 'oh, wait, I like girls.' I don't think anyone would believe me."

I looked back at him with a smile. "You'd have to get a new wardrobe."

He grinned at me, that goofy stupid grin that made my heart melt every time I saw it. "See? It would never work." Our eyes met for a long. "Tell me what you want, Jace. Maybe we can figure it out."

I leaned over, kissing him. "I want you. I want to stop making up excuses to call you and just call you to talk to you."

"So you were having lousy sex just as an excuse to call me?"

Was I? "I guess I was. Yeah… I was." I took mental notes during sex, trying to remember details to tell James about.

"Well, while I did find those phone calls amusing, I don't need to get any more," he smiled. "You can call me and we'll skip to the phone sex part now."

I laughed. "And the real sex? Can I know there will always be more real sex in the future?"

"Shall we get out our schedules and figure it out?"

"Yes," I said, starting to get up, but he pulled me back down.

"I don't have my schedule with me, Jace. We'll figure it out later."

"When? When am I going to see you again?"

Suddenly, I needed an answer to that question. I'd never been able to ask it before.

He smiled, kissing me quickly. "I have to finish this tour, and I doubt you'll be coming with me. Maybe when we're done, right before Christmas. Is that good enough?"

"No," I said. That was a couple of weeks away. That was too long.

"We can call," he offered. "We'll talk a lot, I promise."

Talking would be okay. Maybe.

"Jace," he said softly, and I turned to him.

"I love that."

"What?" he asked, his original statement forgotten.

"Jace. I love that you call me 'Jace'."

"Doesn't everyone?"

"Maybe. But I like it from you more."

Smiling, he kissed me again. I was calmer when he kissed me. He needed to keep kissing me, and maybe I would stop freaking out.

He must have seen something in my eyes, because he stroked my face, making me look into his eyes. "This is a good thing, Jace. I love you. Don't ruin it by freaking out over the big picture. We'll just take it one minute at a time, okay?"

"But…"

He shook his head. "Be happy."

"But you-"

"I am happy. I am so fucking happy right now, believe me. Stop talking and stop thinking and let's enjoy this for a little, okay?"

"Kiss me," I told him. "I stop thinking when you kiss me."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Right now, it's the perfect thing."

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