I came in the back door to their dressing room just as they tumbled in the front. I usually watched their show from the wings, I'd drag one of the others with me, and Rachel would wink at me to start some rumors while I tried not to be too obvious as I stared at James' ass. I loved watching them perform. I think we all did. They still had so much energy, it was so much fun for them. It amazed me hear Rachel and Jeremy fight just seconds before they took the stage, then forget it all when the crowd roared for them. It amazed me more that they changed the set nearly every night, mixing up the order of the songs, doing songs that they'd written that day. If we didn't have so many damn things blowing up, we might be able to be a bit spontaneous.

But tonight I hadn't been able to get free, we had an interview run long, and I kept glancing at the clock, calculating their set, knowing at 8:10 they were done, and on their way down to the dressing room. We had 20 minutes until the meet and greet, so I grabbed Chris and we snuck into the Sudden Silence dressing room, plotting to see if we could get them to believe that we'd seen their set.

I wouldn't be able to touch him, but I wanted to see him. He'd snuck out of my room around nine and I'd been doing press all day. Damn New York, we were always too busy here. Maybe tonight we could go to his place. I loved going to his place, it was like walking right inside his mind. I felt safe and comfortable there.

I walked into the room and he didn't see me.

He always saw me. That was one of the many things I loved about him. I loved that his eyes would light up when he saw me, no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

But he had stopped right inside the door, staring at something as the others bounced around him. I followed his gaze to a man sitting on the couch in the middle of the room, meeting his stare evenly. He was attractive, dark hair, cut short, green eyes. I couldn't tell how tall he was, but certainly not as tall as James. Looked like he had a bit of a tummy. Not a pop star, he had on old faded jeans and a black turtleneck. More like a lawyer. Or an accountant…

Fuck.

"Michael!" Rachel squealed, running over to him. He smiled as she launched herself at him and I suddenly knew him. His hair had been longer, and he'd been skinner, but there were pictures of him in James' apartment. That grin, his arm around James, a look in his eyes that always made me wonder why they weren't still together.

And now he was live and in person, and James couldn't see me. There was activity everywhere, Chris going over to Darien to see how the show went, Rachel sitting next to Michael and talking a mile a minute, grabbing his hands, even Jeremy was grinning at him. But all I could see was how James was looking at his ex, like he'd seen a ghost.

We'd talked about Michael, many times. James insisted he didn't want him back, but a part of me wondered. They'd been happy, really happy, up until the very end when it just exploded. He admitted that he begged Michael a couple of times to take him back. I think that was something even Rachel didn't know.

Rachel hadn't even noticed me, and she always did. My heart twisted a little more at that. I thought she was my friend. I thought I was the favorite. That was our little joke, that I was her favorite N Sync. If I pissed her off, she'd tease me that Chris or Lance was moving up in the standings.

But I wasn't. I wasn't either of their favorites. They both wanted this marginally attractive boring guy.

"What the hell are you doing here?" James asked him, a smile starting to dance around his mouth. He'd just looked shocked before, but now it was sinking in and he was… happy.

Of course he was happy. Why wouldn't he be happy? This guy was his true fucking love, not some closeted pop star. He was always out with Michael, they lived together and walked down the street holding hands and went out to dinner alone and didn't worry about what people thought. All those little things that we never talked about and I knew he wanted.

"I wanted to see my favorite band, but I got so much hell at the front door, I missed your fucking set!" He stood up, kissing James' cheek with a grin.

He could kiss him. He could kiss him and not have to wonder about who saw. He didn't care that people knew he was gay. It didn't matter.

"How did you get back here?" Rachel asked, jumping up.

"Even accountants sometimes have connections. Rachel, James, this is Connie, and you remember Mark?" They all nodded, shaking hands, and Michael went on. "Connie does N Sync's books, she hooked us up."

She was so fired. Who the hell was she? Why the hell were our fucking accountants getting all access passes?

"You could have called me!" James protested. "I could have gotten you on the list."

Michael rolled his eyes. "Let's see, the cell phone number I have is no longer in service. You changed our home number after two years, even though I knew you wouldn't be checking that. And if you check your Sudden Silence account, you'll have about 50 emails from me, just sitting there, lonely. Unread."

OUR? OUR home number? They were over two years ago. More. And it was 'our home'?

James didn't seem to notice, he just laughed and shrugged at Michael. "The life of an internationally known pop star. Sorry, I'll give you the new details. I'm glad you figured it out. It's great to see you."

How long had it been? James had never mentioned seeing Michael to me, and we'd been together about six months now. I'd never asked that question.

Maybe they had seen each other recently and James just hadn't mentioned it. Which cell number did Michael have? I got him a new phone for Christmas, that changed his number. I never had his home number, so I didn't know when he changed it. And he'd had the same email since at least September.

"Jace!" Chris called my name from across the room. At least someone knew I was here.

"What?" I yelled, heading towards him and Darien. James caught my eye, looking so guilty in that brief second. I just raised an eyebrow at him and went over to Chris.

"We saw their show, right?"

"Totally, yeah," I insisted. "You did all covers, right? I thought Jeremy did a masterful rendition of 'I Wanna Be Bad'."

"Fucker," Darien said, whacking Chris in the stomach. "You almost had me going." He glanced back at the crowd surrounding the fabulous Michael, the center of fucking attention. "What's going on over there?"

I shrugged, hoping I looked unconcerned. "Some old friend. Michael?"

Darien wasn't over there yet. Maybe he didn't like Michael.

"Dude!" he exclaimed, leaving me alone with Chris. "Michael! The Marvelous Mike!"

Fuck.

"Who is that?" Chris asked me, peering around to get a glimpse of the amazing one.

"James' ex," I muttered.

"Ooooohhh…" Chris whistled, his eyes wide. "Competition?"

I whacked him. Hard. "Shut up."

"Ow!" he protested. "What the fuck? Like there's one person in here who doesn't know?"

"There's a gang of accountants over there," I hissed.

Good enough. I did not want to discuss this. But it was too late. Chris had that look in his eye. He'd be good now, but back in our dressing room, he'd tell the others 'ooh, James' ex is here, JC might have to share tonight…' I could just hear it.

They all thought it was just sex. None of them knew that I was with James every night. They definitely didn't know that he was all I thought about, they had no idea how he'd changed my life. I couldn't tell them, they wouldn't understand. They thought it was amusing that I liked boys, something to tease me about. James was certainly my most serious, but I knew they were all waiting for me to find some nice girl and move on from this little fling.

Fuck, maybe after tonight, he'd leave me. Why not? I could tell Michael wanted him back, he kept touching him, smiling at him, catching his eye. All those things I couldn't do. Why the hell should James stay with me when he could go back to the love of his life and not have to hide it?

Rachel broke free of the crowd and came over to us, taking our hands and dragging us over. "Come meet our friend Michael, guys! He's awesome, you'll like him."

Not fucking likely.

But I smiled and shook his hand, got introduced to his friends. Our accountant. Who knew? She made a joke about cooking the books and we all laughed.

I couldn't even get James to meet my eyes. We'd perfected that, the way we'd glance at each other and say something with our eyes, no one else would ever guess. Our timing was perfect, we'd both know when to look up.

But not right now, he was laughing with Michael, his arm draped around his shoulders. Familiar, comfortable, like they'd never been apart.

Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken? Because I could barely breathe around the ache in my chest.

Johnny barked my name and I whirled around, finding him at the door. "Five minutes, guys! Wrap it up here, we've got a crowd tonight."

"Yes, sir!" Chris saluted and Johnny left us alone. I knew he'd be back in about two minutes.

"The big show starting?" Michael directed at us, and Chris answered.

"Not yet. Grope and greet first. You guys might want to go up soon, get settled in the pit."

"Hey, we're not staying," Michael joked. "Who wants to see you bunch of fags?"

Chris protested and reached out to slug him, and they got in a tussle.

Even my own fucking band likes him better.

<JAMES>

My cell phone still hadn't rung. It was after two, they'd been off stage for hours. I know Rachel told him to call us, I saw her run over to him as we were leaving before their encore. He nodded at her, and smiled, but I knew he was angry.

I couldn't believe no one else did. The show had been interesting, to say the least. The whole crowd of us was in the pit, even Jeremy, he never stayed. We laughed and sang along and danced, but all I could feel was JC's eyes not on me. Normally when we watched their show, I could feel how he tried not to look at me. Tonight he just didn't. He found some girl in the front row, and another in the wings, and he turned all his attention on them.

"So…" Michael started, and I looked over at him. We were alone, I realized. His friends had bailed hours ago, and Rachel was dancing with Jeremy and Darien. "Are you seeing anyone?"

I hesitated for a second. "Why do you want to know?" Could I tell him? Did I want to?

"Because…" He met my eyes. "Because it's been two years and I haven't found anyone. I see you everywhere now and it's gotten me to thinking…"

He trailed off again and I could only blink at him. "Thinking what?" Is he saying what I think he is?

"Thinking that maybe it was all a mistake. Maybe I should have been more patient. I should have known that this would happen."

"Now that I have money, you mean," I snipped. I knew this would happen, I knew someone somewhere would love me more now that I was successful. I just never dreamed it would be Michael.

"No!" he protested. "God, no. It was never about money, James."

"I seem to remember a certain relationship ending argument that was all about how I never paid the bills." Oooh, bitter much, James?

"That wasn't it, and you know it. It was far more about the time we didn't have together than the money. It was that I was always second to the band. But maybe I should have been more supportive."

I took a deep breath. I couldn't believe he was saying these things to me. I'd waited for two years for these things and now I had no idea what to do. "You should have been," I admitted quietly, and he nodded.

"I'm sorry. I fucked up. I shouldn't have let you go."

Our eyes met for a long moment, and he was so familiar and so safe that my heart ached to hold him. I could be with him. I could lean over right now and kiss him and not have to worry about who was watching. He could move his stuff back into my apartment and he'd be there when I got back from the tour. He could bring the cat. I missed that damn cat. I loved how she slept in between us every night.

"How's Buffy?" I asked, and he gave a little start. I suppose it was a bit of a non-sequitor, at that.

"She's lovely. Lazy as ever. Asked after you," he smiled.

I was thinking like JC. He never had a linear thought.

"You can come see her," he said. "Right now, you have some time, don't you? You're here tomorrow night, too."

I could go home with Michael and talk to JC tomorrow, tell him it was over, it was nice, but I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be in the closet, I deserved to be with someone who wasn't ashamed of me.

"I can't," I said to Michael.

I couldn't say that to JC. He wasn't ashamed of me, somehow I knew that. He loved me heart and soul, he just had to find the courage to tell everyone else in his life that. What we had was so sweet that I could give him all the time he needed. He loved me, and he loved my band and he was so proud of everything we ever did.

Michael left me when I needed him the most. He wanted me to settle down and get some boring job and he never understood how much this band meant to me.

"Why now?" I asked him. "I begged you. I got down on my knees and I begged you to take me back and you wouldn't do it. I would have done anything for you."

"You wouldn't have given up the band," he said.

"I won't now. That hasn't changed. I haven't changed."

He shook his head. "You have. You're… more settled. Confident. You were so scattered before, always running off to a show, or to rescue Rachel from her latest crisis with Jeremy." He gave me an arch look. "You begged me when she was gone, you know. You must know that. And when she came back into your life, you got over me."

I guess he didn't have to be nice, now that I'd rejected him.

"Don't blame this on her. You always liked to do that, and it never fucking worked, did it? I begged you because that was the lowest point in my life. I'd lost everything."

"Was I supposed to take you back out of pity?"

"Am I supposed to take you back because now everything is OK and you don't have to fix my problems?"

We just looked at each other for a long moment, silent. I broke first, leaning forward, close to him. "I'm sorry. I'm probably being mean and defensive."

He moved closer to me, and I could see the tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I was mean and defensive two years ago. I should have known how low you were."

I kissed him, quickly, taking his hand. "It's the past now. I need it to stay there. So as much as I appreciate the offer, no."

His eyes closed, he nodded. "You're always going to be the one I was too stupid to appreciate."

"You're always going to be the one that got away. I miss you all the time, but… I need to move on. My life is good now."

Opening his eyes, he considered me. "You're in love with him, aren't you?"

I tried to remain calm. "Who?"

"The one with the initials. AJ? CJ?"

Sitting back, I took a sip of my drink. "JC," I corrected him. Damnit. How did he know?

"I saw your face when you realized he was there. I thought maybe it was just a crush, but now I'm thinking that I wasn't imagining that he was glaring at me all night. Does he actually have you in the closet?" he hissed.

"I'm not in the closet. I just kissed you, didn't I?"

"But your relationship with him is! Christ, James, I was with you when you came out. How can you go back there?"

I ask myself that every day. "I'm not going back. It's… it's complicated, and I don't think I need to explain it to you."

"Have you been able to explain it to yourself? He's hot, but … you're in love with him! How can you be in love with him?"

"Because he makes me laugh and he has this amazing mind that constantly surprises me. Please, don't give me the boyband lecture."

"I'm not! I can't believe you're having a relationship with someone who will never come out of the closet!"

"Know what, Michael? Sometimes things happen that you don't plan. I know your life is ordered and comfortable and that's the way you like it, but I don't mind it when life throws me something great like this. It's my life, and I'm going to love whoever I want to. It's not like he's closeted because his parents might disapprove, he's in there because his career is over if he comes out. Maybe that will destroy us down the line. I don't know. But right now it's good, and I'll be damned if I let you or anyone else ruin that."

That stopped him. He just looked at me for a moment, blinking. I heard Rachel's voice, and glanced over, seeing that they were heading back to us.

"Does she approve?" Michael asked quietly, and I nodded at him.

"She thinks covering for us is a riot."

I knew what he was asking. Rachel would never approve of something that would hurt me. If she thought I was miserable with JC, she never would have agreed to this tour, she would be horrible to him. Michael knew that as well as I did.

She slid into the booth next to me, grabbing my drink as Jeremy and Darien sat down. "What time is it?" she wondered, looking at her cell phone on the table.

"2:35," I told her.

"No calls?" she asked, looking at me, and I shrugged.

"Expecting the blond god?"

"Nah, I talked to him already."

She meant JC, and I had nothing to tell her. I might have just rejected Michael, but I wasn't sure if JC was speaking to me. Not that I did anything wrong, but he was hurt and angry and jealous. I could read that from his silence.

I looked up when Michael stood up. "Been fabulous, but some of us have day jobs." Everyone protested, but Darien let him out of the booth, and he handed me a business card. "My info. Email me with yours?" he questioned, and I smiled at him.

"Absolutely. I'll hook you up with backstage passes from now on. Promise."

He grinned and everything was all right again. We might make a go at being friends. Maybe it had been long enough.

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